I AM RATHGOR, BEARER OF ILL TIDINGS! FOR LO, THE EIGHTH MONTH SHALL BE A PLAGUE AND PESTILENCE UPON THEE! VERILY, SHALL RUMOR STORIES BE AS SCARCE AS TIMID BUNNIES AT A METALLICA CONCERT!
UH… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.
RATHGOR HAS SPOKEN!
Oh. Uh sorry. Sometimes I’m… Rathgor.
Seems like it might be cool, but it’s kind of a pain in the ass, really.
At any rate, I am here to inform you that posting will be light over the month of August (which starts on Sunday, dontcha know), as it turns out most of the members of the fine Crazy Apple Rumors Site staff are taking vacation at some point and then moving at some other point.
In my constant attempt to stay one step ahead of Apple Legal (they called me at home once, dontcha know), I’m moving from my current luxurious home to an undisclosed location under an overpass on Interstate 5. I’ll also be changing my name to throw them further off the track. I thought I’d take the opportunity to pick something that projected a more manly image than, say… me.
Hunk Beefcake. Chad Studly. Something like that.
Thor Squarejaw.
I dunno, I’m just thinking out loud.
Meanwhile, Chet and Emily are finally tackling the next stage of their relationship: moving in together. This stage will inevitably be followed by the stages of anger, denial, and finally a grudging acceptance and sublimation of all sense of cherished individuality. And, then, ultimately death.
And, uh, decay, followed by nonexistence.
I think that’s it.
Ugluk is finally moving out of that cave on the outskirts of town and into an apartment he will be sharing with two beautiful women. Fox has apparently already optioned the whole story. “He’s a Neanderthal! They’re debutants! Can they live together without driving each other crazy?!”
I’m guessing the answer to that rhetorical question is an amusing, but also sometimes very special, “no.”
The Entity is moving to a higher plane of existence. I naively asked him which one and he said “34B”. When I looked at him blankly, he handed me one of the many Victoria’s Secret catalogs lying around here. I took that to mean 34B was sort of a cosmic cup size, but didn’t bother probing any further because I know about as much about multi-dimensional quantum geometry as he does about bras, so it just didn’t seem worth it.
Howard’s not actually moving per se, but he has picked out a nice spot on the carpet he wants to lie down on. He’s going to spend most of August circling it and then finally lie down on it toward the end of the month.
Masako’s not moving either. Except in the larger sense that we are all moving, hurtling through space on this great spaceship called Earth. And in the micro sense that the atoms that make up her body are moving, in constant interaction with each other.
And in the sense that she’s moving from her apartment into a condo.
The literal sense. I forgot about that.
So, I know this will come as a big disappointment to you all, but we’ll be in “whenever we feel like it” mode as far as posting goes.
And possibly bathing. Unless this heat continues to hold up.
Anyway, to help you get through the pain that you will feel every day of your life for thirty-one days, tomorrow’s Help Desk will be a special “coping” edition.
Because we’re the Apple rumor site that cares.
Well… not really. Some of us used to care but, frankly, we’ve been at it so long now we’re beyond caring.