29 Jul 04August Is Moving Month!


I AM RATHGOR, BEARER OF ILL TIDINGS! FOR LO, THE EIGHTH MONTH SHALL BE A PLAGUE AND PESTILENCE UPON THEE! VERILY, SHALL RUMOR STORIES BE AS SCARCE AS TIMID BUNNIES AT A METALLICA CONCERT!

UH… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.

RATHGOR HAS SPOKEN!

Oh. Uh sorry. Sometimes I’m… Rathgor.

Seems like it might be cool, but it’s kind of a pain in the ass, really.

At any rate, I am here to inform you that posting will be light over the month of August (which starts on Sunday, dontcha know), as it turns out most of the members of the fine Crazy Apple Rumors Site staff are taking vacation at some point and then moving at some other point.

In my constant attempt to stay one step ahead of Apple Legal (they called me at home once, dontcha know), I’m moving from my current luxurious home to an undisclosed location under an overpass on Interstate 5. I’ll also be changing my name to throw them further off the track. I thought I’d take the opportunity to pick something that projected a more manly image than, say… me.

Hunk Beefcake. Chad Studly. Something like that.

Thor Squarejaw.

I dunno, I’m just thinking out loud.

Meanwhile, Chet and Emily are finally tackling the next stage of their relationship: moving in together. This stage will inevitably be followed by the stages of anger, denial, and finally a grudging acceptance and sublimation of all sense of cherished individuality. And, then, ultimately death.

And, uh, decay, followed by nonexistence.

I think that’s it.

Ugluk is finally moving out of that cave on the outskirts of town and into an apartment he will be sharing with two beautiful women. Fox has apparently already optioned the whole story. “He’s a Neanderthal! They’re debutants! Can they live together without driving each other crazy?!”

I’m guessing the answer to that rhetorical question is an amusing, but also sometimes very special, “no.”

The Entity is moving to a higher plane of existence. I naively asked him which one and he said “34B”. When I looked at him blankly, he handed me one of the many Victoria’s Secret catalogs lying around here. I took that to mean 34B was sort of a cosmic cup size, but didn’t bother probing any further because I know about as much about multi-dimensional quantum geometry as he does about bras, so it just didn’t seem worth it.

Howard’s not actually moving per se, but he has picked out a nice spot on the carpet he wants to lie down on. He’s going to spend most of August circling it and then finally lie down on it toward the end of the month.

Masako’s not moving either. Except in the larger sense that we are all moving, hurtling through space on this great spaceship called Earth. And in the micro sense that the atoms that make up her body are moving, in constant interaction with each other.

And in the sense that she’s moving from her apartment into a condo.

The literal sense. I forgot about that.

So, I know this will come as a big disappointment to you all, but we’ll be in “whenever we feel like it” mode as far as posting goes.

And possibly bathing. Unless this heat continues to hold up.

Anyway, to help you get through the pain that you will feel every day of your life for thirty-one days, tomorrow’s Help Desk will be a special “coping” edition.

Because we’re the Apple rumor site that cares.

Well… not really. Some of us used to care but, frankly, we’ve been at it so long now we’re beyond caring.

No Responses to “August Is Moving Month!”

  1. bear says:

    First post……..have some Clausen’s Pickle Relish!

  2. eek! says:

    bye!

  3. bear says:

    honestly…I never thought I’d have this honor. I’m reporting for duty, and remember, we can do better!

  4. eek! says:

    that should have been…

    bye! [sniff]

    darn html punctuation stripping code

  5. Alias Spitzel says:

    Look, “Dr. Hassenpuffer”, we’re on to you. Have been all along. Since kindergarden, really. You can move but you cannot hide.

    But next time you move – for gods sake – at least wear that fake moustache. No, that won’t make it any more difficult for us, but at least it’ll make it a little more fun watching you.

    And btw.: You phone-skills suck, big time. You’re the talk of the Bureou. Buro. Buerau. The Burou. Whatever. We just call it the FBI for short – and not for no reason.

    Your personal Agent

    Alias Spitzel

  6. Hitching Post says:

    The comment section, in sympathy with no posts by CARS for much of the month of August, will have no posts numbering 6 through 11 today.

    Thank you for complying.

  7. Adam Jackson says:

    darn, so less posting? shoot!

  8. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    “debutantes.”

  9. Jesus says:

    I hate you all.

  10. Z. Martin says:

    You wont be here to brighten me up?

    Inconciveable!

  11. yeah says:

    bathing… 😀

  12. cream says:

    Gennessee? Cream? Ale? Number, please?

  13. lightningrod says:

    Depression sets in….

  14. Huck says:

    Elevenzors!

  15. Huck says:

    Erm… was not the, uh post… that I…

    did?

  16. Huck says:

    Thor Squarejaw sounds pretty good. Though I’ve heard Tor Coolguy is a pretty popular one…

  17. Anonymous says:

    Tor whithout an h sounds like a sissy name…

  18. bear says:

    Rathgor spelled backwards is…..

    Roghtar!

    Kind of like dog

  19. UhhhDude says:

    How about Dirk? Dirk sounds pretty manly. Or perhaps, just pretty.

    And way to go telling Apple legal where you’re moving to! Just think, that homeless guy in the cardboard box next to yours could be an Apple plant…

    (As opposed to an apple tree…oh, whatever.)

  20. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    Look, if we’re moving, all I can say is, I am *not* sitting next to Cai.

  21. “Have fun storming the castle!”

  22. Abe Linconlogski says:

    So on days your not posting, can’t you do reruns or “best of mega post”, or throw out bizzar topics and and end it with “chat among yourselves” or maybe just put up pictures of Masako and her collection of giant coffee cups. I mean come on how hard would that be. Don’t leave us hanging man. It’s not like we have lives outside of CARS. Think about Cai…. or not, we need our daily fix !!!!!

  23. ..for you guys to be moving! ThinkSecret has a story about the new 4G iPods that includes the terms “light brown stains”, “smears”, “sticky residue”, “worn plastic” and “within spec”. You could have had a field with this.

  24. What a Typo.. says:

    Field DAY

  25. bear says:

    Maybe we could all take spelling lessons………

  26. Baba Gnush says:

    My favorite:

    The 4th generation iPod has “secret features” and Apple is not talking.

  27. Pip says:

    Interstate 5 has so much traffic…how about moving into a big inflatable house on the side of SR-56. If you ask nicely you can point your cantenna at my house.

  28. CTHULHU says:

    THE DEMON-GOD’S BIG LIST OF WANKERS:

    GLAARKU

    RATHGOR

    (WHO’S NEXT?)

    HMMM…YOG SOTHOTH HAS BEEN PISSING ME OFF, WHAT WITH THE LACK OF TURN-SIGNAL USE DURING LANE CHANGES.

    NOW HE TOO HAS BEEN WARNED!

    CTHULHU KNOWS UNSPEAKABLE HORROR!