01 Sep 04iTunes Music Store Never, Ever Coming to Canada.


In yet another bold announcement that lengthens Apple’s lead in the digital music world, Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller today declared that the iTunes Music Store would debut in two dozen new countries over the next six months, none of which rhyme with “Smanada.”

At a post-keynote event in Paris, Schiller announced that early next year Apple will launch a new “pan-Pacific” iTunes music store, selling music to Australia, New Zealand, The Philippines, Japan, China, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, and the island nation of Kiribati.

“We are thrilled to be able to bring the latest single from Five for Fighting to people the world over, from the beaches of Kiribati to the secretive halls of the Vatican,” said an ecstatic Greg Joswiak, who stood next to Schiller.

“Soon, almost everyone will be able to enjoy their touching song about… um… the fact that death comes to us all too soon,” said Apple’s chief iTunes marketing czar.

“I… probably should have used a different example.”

Speaking of czars, Joswiak added “I’d also like to announce that a Russian version of the iTunes Music Store will be debuting next spring!”

“We’ll have a lot of great stuff on that Russian store,” said Joswiak. “Like those Tatu chicks – lesbianism is so hot right now – and, um, that rock band that was really famous when Brezhnev was in power… and Billy Joel – that concert in Moscow rocked – and there’s, I think, a Sting song, too… what was that?”

In addition to the current stores in the U.S., U.K., Germany, and France, Schiller and Joswiak announced that Apple will debut its previously-announced “pan-European” store in October, bringing free weekly encrypted digital downloads by bands you’ve never heard of to Belgium, Spain, Portugal, Italy, Austria, Denmark, Luxembourg, Andorra, Monaco, Vatican City, Poland, and Melilla and Ceuta

“At long last, the long-suffering Mac users of those autonomous city enclaves on the African coast that are technically Spanish possessions can rock out to our great music store,” Schiller said. “All six of them!”

Joswiak also pointed out that the award-winning American version of the iTunes Music Store would add an “international” feature section. This new section will promote the top-selling artists from every country of the world.

“Except Canada,” Joswiak said. “Our research indicates nobody wants to hear Canadian music. If you can even call the horrible noise those flash-frozen rock curlers make ‘music’. Celine Dion and Brian Adams. Right.

Schiller, suspected by many to be Canadian himself, said nothing as Joswiak spoke, but did twitch momentarily.

When asked about future countries that might also join the iTunes Nation, Schiller dropped a hint that early next year Apple would finally create a store to meet the needs of a major North American country that has been previously ignored by every single one of Apple’s online music efforts.

“Of course, it’s Apple’s policy not to comment on future products,” Schiller said. “So all I can say is, ¡Amamos música!

Pressed by a gaggle of Canadian journalists about just when the Music Store might come to Canada, Schiller simply twitched again.

Stepping hastily up the microphone, Joswiak noted that Apple is currently extremely busy “completing deals for an iTunes Music Store Antarctica.”

39 Responses to “iTunes Music Store Never, Ever Coming to Canada.”

  1. Frist!!!!11one

    Besides, Canadians are too busy curling to download iTunes music.

  2. UhhhDude says:

    DEUX! Er, two.

  3. Mark says:

    Dude, I think you mean “Schiller” in the second paragraph, not “Jobs”

    We all miss him, but don’t teleport him across the pond without putting it in the plot.

  4. Gunkulator says:

    4th…. Yippee!

  5. Gunkulator says:

    I the Moltzster BACK!… Yippee again!

  6. Ryan Bayne says:

    The longer it stays away from me, the longer my credit card can relax and stay happy.

  7. John Moltz says:

    It’s just that I’m so USED to typing “Jobs”…

  8. Picker of Nits says:

    John,

    Glad you’re back.

    +5 points for spelling Philippines correctly. That’s right–double Ps not double Ls.

    -3 points for “every county of the world.” Spellcheck didn’t catch that one, did it?

    -2 points for relying on spellcheck too much.

    +10 points for entertaining us, the joyless masses, for little or no reward

    Hey, you’re ahead 10 points!

  9. SEXY KING BITCH says:

    CANADA IS AMERICA’S BITCH…SO LETS JUST FUCK THEM OVER SOME MORE…

  10. SEXY KING BITCH says:

    I CLAIM POSTS 10 AND 11 TO ME

  11. Canuck says:

    Hey Sexy King Bitch!

    Come and get some, eh! I’ve got a supercharged weed wacker fired up with you name on it. Yah Shistafarian Butt-Faced Monkey

  12. jcr says:

    Minus one point for going back and fixing the error in the second paragraph. Steve isn’t feeling well, and you cut him out of the story? Shame on you!

    -jcr

  13. Coombs says:

    Really FuNNNNy! You made my day jMoltz!

  14. PoisedNoise says:

    I moved to the UK because they were taking too damn long getting that iTunes goodness up to Nova Scotia.

    And come-on, Brain Adams and Celine Dion, granted. But dude, Neil Young, Rush, Barenaked Ladies, even that April Leaving girl…..all have their moments. In fact, now that I think about it, if Brian Adams had stopped with Run to You, he’d be the man. But he didn’t.

    Good call on Celine though, eh.

  15. LesbianFan says:

    First Post mentioning Lesbians!!!

  16. won says:

    And still, in the honourary, proxy, substitute birthplace of all music, no iTunes Music Store, nor mention thereof.

    Where’s the iTMS Caribbean, I ask you? And not just the English-speaking Caribbean either.

    Oh what the hell, I’ll just start one meself. Lessee, Kassav, The Wailers, Grynner, Kitch, Andy Narell…

    That’ll do for now….

    won

  17. Logitech Mx 510 says:

    It’s not that hard to buy from ITMS, you dumb Canucks. All you need is a credit card with a US billing address. Start raiding Michigan farms!

  18. UhhhDude says:

    First Paris, then Canada. Is there some kind of lesson to be learned here (like maybe a French lesson)?

    And oh yeah, it’s spelled Bryan Adams. For those who really care.

  19. Shayne says:

    Kiribati? Let me guess, someone just finished reading The Sex Lives Of Cannibals? ‘Cause if you didn’t, that’s just fucking creepy that you know where it is.

  20. the7ofSwords says:

    Hey! What about Liechtenstein? Are you telling me that if I follow my life-long dream of moving to Vaduz, I won’t be able to use the iTMS?!?

    7

    p.s. In the spirit of yesterday’s internationalisme, I’d like to add:

    Ich genieße meine Frau kleider zu tragen, und den Rasen mit meinem Barttrimmer schneiden.

    Auch werfe ich Zwerge gern.

    Ich genieße auch, wasabi in meine Unterwäsche zu setzen.

  21. I once knew someone from Ceuta. Glad to see that John is up on his Spanish enclaves.

    and Canada doesn’t need its own iTunes Music store. They have inexpensive CDs.

  22. Del says:

    Leave my farm alone you crazy canuks!

  23. PoisedNoise says:

    I know it’s spelt Bryan. I was clearly talking about his _brain_, which is after all what produced the song, unless you subscribe to the line that something that crap could only come out of someone’s posterior.

  24. Huck says:

    How much are your CDs, you Canuckian bastards? You must be stealing them all from our Michigan farm stockpiles! We should have known you couldn’t be trusted, next you’ll be wanting our precious bodily fluids!

  25. UhhhDude says:

    Hey Canada! Does Gordon Lightfoot still have a career up there?

    Yeah?

    Then that’s the reason no iTMS for you.

  26. Del says:

    I knew some of my cd’s were missing. I thought I misplaced them, but now I know those canuks stole my cd’s. That’s it next time I see one on my farm I’m going to sick my livestock on them. Or make my livestock sick on them whatever works.

  27. Anonymous says:

    i am canadian…

    and i just realised my world image is céline dion and brian adams.

    man i suck

  28. I know he doens’t sing, but don’t forget that Canada’s world image also includes Peter Jennings.

    Personally I think CBS is Rather biased.

  29. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    +15 for mentioning the Billy Joel KOHUEPT and the Sting song.

  30. lightmejohhny says:

    Apple does not give a flying toss about bringing ITUNEs to Canada. Forget the legal schmeegle bullshit about the artists union. There is no money to be made in Canada and the market is to small and the competition is to stiff!!! like my middle finger to apple. Download illegal anne murry tracks for ever.

  31. suz says:

    apple is retarded if they do not want to expand itunes into the 5th largest economy of the world. Their loss. Besides free downoloading is legal is canada so who givesa afuck about itunes

  32. suz says:

    and whats with all the bullshit stereotypes of canadians? curling? america’s bitch? fine i admit to the last one but no offense to you americans but u need all the help u can get in the world community. When i travel to europe and they think im an ameican they treat me like crap, as soon as they hear im canadian its like “WE LOVE YOU”. keep ur itunes, i prefer to be liked and resepcted

  33. Denis says:

    What the F*&^ is wrong with some of you americans. It’s really too bad that the u.s.a. have so many bad apples, because it ruins it for the ones who are no different than the people in CANADA. Do some research you dicks, and you’ll find some of the best music is written here…yes even for some of your american artists. Did you also know that CANADA is the 2nd largest export when it comes to Recording Artists. Take a look at who’s producing and engineering a huge chunk of your american artists….yes that’s right, they’re CANADIAN.

    Really, all it takes is less ignorance. Read a book sometime, less CNN, and you’ll be a happier person for it.

    CANADA wants iTunes as much as the next.

  34. Ozi says:

    A big hello to all Appletalk Australia readers!

    Im so flattered you actually followed the link to this site. 😀

    ~Ozi

  35. CDN says:

    Canada has always produced the biggest talent there is in entertainment, artists….

    Comedians like Jim Carrey, Mike Myers.

    Musicians like Shaina Twain, Alanis Morissette, Avril Lavigne

    Actors like Jason Priestly, Donald Sutherland, William Shatner

    Not to mention the hottest women like Pamela Anderson, Natasha Henstridge, Elisha Cuthbert, Jillian Hennessy, Nelly Furtado.

    Canada has even produced some pretty good athletes like Steve Nash and Wayne Gretzky.

    We may not be a big market, but PLEASE, do not bash our level of talent!

  36. US DUDE says:

    Sweet!

  37. Le Frenchie says:

    Dear America,

    Please keep sucking le Mexico’s dick and licking le Canada’s asshole. You are what, we say, le whore. No wonder zee whole world hates you!

    Love France

    P.S. I spit on you! *Ptww!!*