In yet another bold announcement that lengthens Apple’s lead in the digital music world, Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller today declared that the iTunes Music Store would debut in two dozen new countries over the next six months, none of which rhyme with “Smanada.”
At a post-keynote event in Paris, Schiller announced that early next year Apple will launch a new “pan-Pacific” iTunes music store, selling music to Australia, New Zealand, The Philippines, Japan, China, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, and the island nation of Kiribati.
“We are thrilled to be able to bring the latest single from Five for Fighting to people the world over, from the beaches of Kiribati to the secretive halls of the Vatican,” said an ecstatic Greg Joswiak, who stood next to Schiller.
“Soon, almost everyone will be able to enjoy their touching song about… um… the fact that death comes to us all too soon,” said Apple’s chief iTunes marketing czar.
“I… probably should have used a different example.”
Speaking of czars, Joswiak added “I’d also like to announce that a Russian version of the iTunes Music Store will be debuting next spring!”
“We’ll have a lot of great stuff on that Russian store,” said Joswiak. “Like those Tatu chicks – lesbianism is so hot right now – and, um, that rock band that was really famous when Brezhnev was in power… and Billy Joel – that concert in Moscow rocked – and there’s, I think, a Sting song, too… what was that?”
In addition to the current stores in the U.S., U.K., Germany, and France, Schiller and Joswiak announced that Apple will debut its previously-announced “pan-European” store in October, bringing free weekly encrypted digital downloads by bands you’ve never heard of to Belgium, Spain, Portugal, Italy, Austria, Denmark, Luxembourg, Andorra, Monaco, Vatican City, Poland, and Melilla and Ceuta
“At long last, the long-suffering Mac users of those autonomous city enclaves on the African coast that are technically Spanish possessions can rock out to our great music store,” Schiller said. “All six of them!”
Joswiak also pointed out that the award-winning American version of the iTunes Music Store would add an “international” feature section. This new section will promote the top-selling artists from every country of the world.
“Except Canada,” Joswiak said. “Our research indicates nobody wants to hear Canadian music. If you can even call the horrible noise those flash-frozen rock curlers make ‘music’. Celine Dion and Brian Adams. Right.”
Schiller, suspected by many to be Canadian himself, said nothing as Joswiak spoke, but did twitch momentarily.
When asked about future countries that might also join the iTunes Nation, Schiller dropped a hint that early next year Apple would finally create a store to meet the needs of a major North American country that has been previously ignored by every single one of Apple’s online music efforts.
“Of course, it’s Apple’s policy not to comment on future products,” Schiller said. “So all I can say is, ¡Amamos música!”
Pressed by a gaggle of Canadian journalists about just when the Music Store might come to Canada, Schiller simply twitched again.
Stepping hastily up the microphone, Joswiak noted that Apple is currently extremely busy “completing deals for an iTunes Music Store Antarctica.”