03 Sep 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I have an existential Mac question…
A: Oh, Larry, no you don’t.
Q: Yes, I do! One I thought of all on my own!
A: Get out!
Q: I shall not! Now… the question is, if I use someone else’s user account, do I in any way… become them? Mmm? Mmm?
A: OK, technically that is existential…
Q: Ha!
A: …if somewhat tepidly so.
Q: Hey!
A: But the answer to your question is found in… are you ready for this? The Accounts control panel!
Q: Ahh! Now it is you who must get out!
A: Nay! If you open the control panel and hold down the control key, you will see a button that says “Assume all essence of user’s being.” Clicking this button will mean that any person who logs in as that user… becomes that user.
Q: Wow. Really?
A: No! Are you an idiot?
Q: Sorry.
A: No, no, no, a thousand times no. This is done in the Security control panel.
Q: Ahh…


Q: Hey, have you seen the Dell laptops recently?
A: Uh, yeah. Black keyboard, silver face and whiter around the edge. What about them?
Q: Well… doesn’t that look seem familiar?
A: Mmm… noooo…
Q: You know… like a certain laptop made by another company a couple of years ago… made out of titanium…
A: Titanium… titanium… hmm… Seems like the wireless reception would be really bad in a laptop made out of titanium…
Q: Well… yes, but the point… the point is… the point… oh, look, it’s the titanium PowerBook! It’s exactly the same as the G4 PowerBook!
A: I know. I’m just messing with you.
Q: Well stop it. I’m at a very fragile time right now.
A: Oh. I’m sorry. What happened?
Q: I stubbed my toe earlier.
A: Oh. That’s it?
Q: Well… it really hurt.
A: But… it’ll get better. Probably before the end of the day.
Q: I… I just… Hold me.
A: N-no.


Q: I have a question about the G5 iMacs.
A: Lay it on me.
Q: OK. One of the features people liked about the G4 iMac was being able to adjust the height of the screen.
A: Yes. It was so.
Q: Could you stop talking like that please?
A: Sorry. Go ahead.
Q: Well, the G5 iMac doesn’t go up and down, it just tilts. Will any third parties be able to create stands that will allow you to move the G5 iMac vertically?
A: Ah. Good question. The issues here revolve around torque, gravity and the mass of objects falling in a gravitational field.
Q: I see.
A: Third parties will need to compensate for the G5 iMac’s quantum mass and counterbalance that mass with a stream of anti-gravitons.
Q: Uhh… huh.
A: These anti-gravitons would need to be tightly controlled so they do not come flying from the stand and, potentially in a worse-case scenario, rip apart the fabric of space/time.
Q: Rrrrrrright.
A: Now, a containment field will require 18.9 trillion megajoules of energy. This amount can be achieved by tapping into a quantum singularity of…
Q: Um, let me stop you there, Mr. La Forge. See, I was thinking they could just use springs or something. Maybe some hydraulics.
A: Oh. Yeah. Sure. They could do it that way. You could also just put your G5 iMac on a stack of books. Or old potato salad containers.
Q: True. But… why potato salad containers?
A: No reason. I just eat a lot of potato salad.
Q: Oh. So there’s nothing specific about those containers.
A: No. I know it’s not really very good for you, but I like it.
Q: I see.
A: Yep.
Q: Uh… are we done here?
A: Yeah, I think so.

27 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. iamsupermac says:

    FIRST POST to notify the staff of a spelling error but not point it out.

  2. PoisedNoise says:

    oooh second!!!

    closest yet.. 🙂

  3. PoisedNoise says:

    ..and btw, the spelling mistake is in the title – it’s spelt RUMOURS you dolts. \o/

  4. PoisedNoise says:

    …but more likely iamsupermac had megajoules in mind. Fix the rumours one while your at it though.

  5. PoisedNoise says:

    I’ll shut up now and let someone else post.

  6. Someone Else says:

    Thanks

  7. iamsupermac says:

    Close PoisedNoise, but I was thinking “jiggajules”.

  8. GLAARKU says:

    I have a powerbook stand made entirely out of travel sized shampoo bottles!

  9. bear says:

    Clausen’s Pickle Relish jars work, too…….

  10. Martin Heidegger says:

    I vote for best ever Help Desk and Comments section!

    Well…it would be if this was more existential or self referential.

  11. me again says:

    I’m just shouting out another “atta-boy” to CARS for making my cheeks ache!

    … from grinning, you freaks!

  12. What, Moltz, do you think the Joule was named after Jules Verne?

  13. Huh? says:

    I refuse to post first.

    It hurts too much.

    …and it chafes.

  14. Huck says:

    The keyboard is a device intended to be used by fingers, not anuses. Ponder this truth.

  15. SEXY KING BITCH says:

    15th Post! BITCHES WHO AREN’T SEXY KINGS!

  16. Ralph Nader says:

    This is all just a political ploy by the duopolists Bush and Kerry.

  17. UhhhDude says:

    Who needs all that? I got this neat tachyon emitter thingie from http://www.theentityshop.com for my monitor. I swear it floats in mid-air, 18 inches from the desktop. No brackets, no hooks. In fact, no hardware of any kind.

    It does have its drawbacks, though. Every so often it will malfunction and send my entire desk into the 3rd century. Very disconcerting, but those 3rd century types think I’m God now, since I have a Mac and they don’t.

  18. SEXY KING BITCH says:

    UhhhDude…thats like so total AWESOME… 😛

  19. Ralph Nader says:

    This is all just a political ploy by the duopolists Bush and Kerry.

  20. UhhhDude says:

    Thanx SKB – flattery will get you everywhere. Wanna come with to the 3rd century?

  21. Anonymous says:

    OMg?

  22. Broon says:

    So… now that it’s September, it’s back to posting every day…. right guys?….. please…… Tofu?……

  23. Small Paul says:

    I once put my G4 iMac on a stack of old potato salad containers. For some reason, it ran 63% faster and glowed in different colours depending on my mood. It also suddenly grew an extra 512Mb of RAM,.

    I took it down though, cos it was too high and I was craning my neck.

  24. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    Would that be German potato salad or American potato salad? I’d hate to make an embarrasing mistake.

    Not that I have a G5 iMac or anything. I’m typing on an Apple ///. Funny, the monitor only adjusts for height…deja vu!

  25. Anonymous says:

    How many of you tried opening the accounts or security control panel and holding the control key after reading this?

    …’Cause I didn’t. I swear.