Jonathan Ive Designs Brushed Metal Sandwich

According to sources who work on Apple product design, Jonathan Ive has designed a brushed metal sandwich. Apple has no plans to market the latest entrant to the list of brushed metal products that includes the Finder and the Cinema Display.

“Jonathan just did it to see if it could be done, a source said. “He’s weird, which makes him creative.”

While many at Apple were excited by Ive’s achievement, some expressed skepticism.

“It’s pretty…,” said Chief Software Technology Officer Avie Tevanian. “But you can’t eat it.”

“It is not to be eaten!” Ive said sharply. “It is to be respected! Loved! Honored!”

“I… guess I’ll just send out for something then,” Tevanian concluded, reaching for the phone.

Sources indicated that the sandwich was not any particular type of sandwich, such as a ruben or grilled cheese. Instead, it represents the concept of a sandwich, as a perfect construct of Platonic logic.

“This is what a sandwich would be if it were perfect,” Ive said, idly stroking its cool surface. “Hence the brushed metal, making it durable, clean, smooth to the touch…”


Watering at the mouth, Ive suddenly grabbed the sandwich and attempted to shove it into his mouth.

After unsuccessfully attempting to chew it for several moments, he slowly put it down and wiped it off.

“… cold and unforgiving. It is a sandwich without remorse. Without pity on the peckish. A harsh sandwich… for a harsh world…”

Observing the entire scene in shocked silence, Tevanian finally asked “You… want me to order you something?”

Ive would not confirm that he is also working on a line of brushed metal condiments.

22 thoughts on “Jonathan Ive Designs Brushed Metal Sandwich”

  1. That’s a coincidence, because when sitting in my cave the other day, I noticed fire-shadows forming images of a brushed metal packet of Walkers crisps on the wall (cheese n’onion, if you must know).

    And I think there was a brushed metal can of Tango in there as well. And a similarly shiny slice of Dairylea.

    Synchronicity of what?

    I must be the Ideal Form of Macolyte . . . iness.

  2. [QUOTE]

    “It is not to be eaten!” Ive said sharply. “It is to be respected! Loved! Honored!”


    Dude. Ive is from the UK. He would have said “HONOURED”.

    Hmm.. Makes me question the autheticity of this website.

  3. I will say my thoughts. I will speak what I think Jonathan should be working on right now. But first, I must digress.

    A long time ago, Steve showed a grid. iMac/PowerMac – iBook/PowerBook. Then there was the cube, and we wondered where that fit in. Now there is an xServe, and I wonder where that fits in.

    I think I’ve right now is or should be honing the G5 Cube, a headless, personal workstation server and x-grid client.

    I would buy that to host my stuff. Maybe stick a screen on it when someone stays over, but just for – you know – hosting.

  4. Another great CARS! The highlight for me was:

    “… cold and unforgiving. It is a sandwich without remorse. Without pity on the peckish. A harsh sandwich… for a harsh world…”

  5. Bah!

    I’ve gone for real Evtreme(tm)ness.

    The entire surface of my skin is now…

    *Brushed Metal*

    Luckily it’s rust-proof. Good for those… moister regions.

    Top that, Ive!

  6. No, you don’t spell Extreme(tm)ness with a ‘v’

    That’s what the wibbly red underlining was trying to tell me. But did I listen? No.

    I might’ve paid more attention if it had been a brushed metal underline…

  7. Slightly more successful, was the double-shot polycarbonate hot dog. (Available on alternate Thursdays at Café Macs.)


  8. Not to be outdone, Microsoft and Dell announced their latest joint project: The Pewter Hoagie(TM).

    Industry analysts lauded the two companies for their latest innovation, as the stock of both companies rose in response.

    Shortly thereafter, Jared Fogle, president of the Platinum Subway Sandwich User’s Group, filed a lawsuit alleging copyright infringement, i.e., “look and taste.”

  9. Hey! I have a metal widget around here somewhere.

    They stole my idea!!!

    (okay i used to work at Apple and knew they were working on metal sandwiches but that’s not the point).

    Leave us little developers alone! Let’s start an online petition! Yeah, and boycott metal Apple products!

  10. Pssst, hey you. Yah you, over here.

    I’ve got this cool ham-oney that turns any ham sandwich into a brushed metal sandwich. Or you could make it into a pewter hoagie if you want to. You choose!

    As a special introductaory offer I’ll also give the ham away at half price if you try my ham-oney sandwich metaller thing out. Tell your friends. Everyone wants a nice metal sandwich and should be able to choose any kind of metal if they want!

    While I gotcha here, want to sign my petition?

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