According to sources who work on Apple product design, Jonathan Ive has designed a brushed metal sandwich. Apple has no plans to market the latest entrant to the list of brushed metal products that includes the Finder and the Cinema Display.
“Jonathan just did it to see if it could be done,” a source said. “He’s weird, which makes him creative.”
While many at Apple were excited by Ive’s achievement, some expressed skepticism.
“It’s pretty…,” said Chief Software Technology Officer Avie Tevanian. “But you can’t eat it.”
“It is not to be eaten!” Ive said sharply. “It is to be respected! Loved! Honored!”
“I… guess I’ll just send out for something then,” Tevanian concluded, reaching for the phone.
Sources indicated that the sandwich was not any particular type of sandwich, such as a ruben or grilled cheese. Instead, it represents the concept of a sandwich, as a perfect construct of Platonic logic.
“This is what a sandwich would be if it were perfect,” Ive said, idly stroking its cool surface. “Hence the brushed metal, making it durable, clean, smooth to the touch…”
Watering at the mouth, Ive suddenly grabbed the sandwich and attempted to shove it into his mouth.
After unsuccessfully attempting to chew it for several moments, he slowly put it down and wiped it off.
“… cold and unforgiving. It is a sandwich without remorse. Without pity on the peckish. A harsh sandwich… for a harsh world…”
Observing the entire scene in shocked silence, Tevanian finally asked “You… want me to order you something?”
Ive would not confirm that he is also working on a line of brushed metal condiments.