15 Sep 04Scheduling Snafu.

Due to a scheduling snafu, there will be no story today.

Sadly, yesterday’s story was actually supposed to run today and yesterday we were supposed to have all three parts of our five-part exposé on… uh… Exposé.

Next Tuesday’s story on guys at Apple with man-breasts was to have run on Thursday, but Tuesday’s story was actually ripped into small pieces by an enraged Avie Tevanian. The funny thing is, it wasn’t even about him. It was about someone completely different named Avis The Raynian. We deny any accusations that it was secretly about Avie.

That story – the one secretly about Avie – is actually scheduled to run in March and will be entitled “Artie Smelvanian, His Magical Water Pipe, Thirteen Stewardesses and Seven Days In A Tennessee Correctional Facility.”

Our award-winning series on home-schooling your children using nothing but Apple software manuals from the early 1990s, a picture of Chairman Mao Zedong and a stick of butter continues next week when Mao says “Capitalist running dogs will succumb to the revolutionary LC II, which brings affordable computing power to the farmers of the world!” Mao’s hi-larious sidekick Jojo the Monkey Boy will then deliver his patented catch-phrase “And how!” while mugging to the camera.

Sadly, due to budget constraints, we have been forced to cancel our in-depth analysis of the moles on Apple Chief Financial Officer Peter Oppenheimer. We hope to be able to fund this in the next fiscal year or when we take our empty bottles back for the deposit. I know a lot of people were really looking forward to that so I promise we’ll make it up to you.

I’m thinking of maybe an all-day event where you get to shave a section of Steve Wozniak’s back for a dollar. Something like that.

Maybe kiss Jef Raskin full on the lips. I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud.

In a hopefully unrelated note, Howard’s photo shoot on “Things at crotch level in the Apple campus” will make its triumphant return shortly after the World Series, which will feature the Yankees and the Cardinals.

Apple has asked that all Danika Cleary fans please move three feet to the left as you’re blocking the sweeping view of the elk preserve.

And, finally, we’d like to announce that the lunch special in the CARS cafeteria tomorrow will be grilled cheese, a cup of tomato soup and a small soda.

That is all.

27 Responses to “Scheduling Snafu.”

  1. Ricky says:

    But… Where are all the Crazy Apple Rumors?

  2. Hunter says:


  3. Ricky says:

    You second my comment? Alright!!

  4. PoisedNoise says:

    How many times people… it’s crazy apple rumoUrs. Well, without the silly capital in the middle obviously. Or should that be “Well, withot the silly capital in the middle obviosly”. I tell you, this misspelling lark is getting rediculos.

  5. Ozi says:

    But getting them to spell “rumours” correctly is as likely as the US of A converting to Metric. It just aint gonna happen, regardless of how much sense it wold make. 😀

  6. a CARS staff member who wishes to remain aonymous says:

    I’m not all that into grilled cheese, Mr. Moltz. Can I get a second cup of soup instead of the sandwich and still get the special price? If not, I guess Howard can have my grilled cheese.

  7. Huck says:

    This a warning that I wish to make the eleventh post. Do not take it.

  8. Post Stealer says:


  9. Anonymous says:


  10. Anonymous says:


  11. Post Stealer says:

    Ha! Take that, Huck!

  12. EMan says:

    So do they use Danika to model the sexbots, or as a lesbian ninja example? I mean, she can’t just hawk iSights all day long, can she?

  13. fahlman says:

    I struggled to get through the first 12/17 of the article but the ha ha really picked up with the bit about Howard’s photo shoot and then again with the lunch special spot. BTW, stealing Huck’s post is really not nice. Funny, but not nice.

  14. Jon Wedaman says:

    My wife does not want to talk about a “store”….

  15. iPodguy says:

    On a side note, I’m sure Danika Cleary fans will get to eat some tomato soup with Jef. However, Avie (once again) was not invited for reasons which are unlikely to become clear to the reader. Wozniak declined to comment.

  16. UhhhDude says:

    See! I TOLD you AtAT was more reliable….

    Oh, and will that be a brushed aluminum grilled cheese sandwich?

  17. bear says:

    …..with Clausen’s Pickle Relish????

  18. pran says:

    i’d like tp post now in case i’m unable to post later.

    thank you

  19. GLAARKU says:

    “Scheduling Snafu. Due to a scheduling snafu, there will be no story today.”

    But, isn’t the “Scheduling Snafu” itself a story? And if it’s not, then why is it taking the place of today’s (yesterday’s (today’s (yesterday’s (today’s (yesterday’s (today’s (yesterday’s ()))))))) story?

    syntax error: got (, expecting Newline

    Nevermind, I crashed.

    “See! I TOLD you AtAT was more reliable….”

    Reliable and with that Springtime Fresh Scent!

  20. please darling says:

    Save the last post for me.

  21. Brother Mugga says:

    What was that you said?



    Sorry about that.

    I was distracted by the preserved elk.


  22. Snafu Coordinator says:

    Due the a scheduling snafu, the next post will acturally be the eleventh; the last post will remain last, however.

  23. Fred the Wonder Elk and his Rather Large Penis says:

    No one believes this is my real name.

    Mom wanted an elk. I think she was bitter.

  24. Huck says:

    Crappity CRAP!