Apple Promotes Guy Who Cries All The Time.

Apple observers were disturbed today to see that the company had promoted a guy who cries all the time.

38-year-old Patrick Fogel, who reported cries at the drop of a hat, was promoted from System Engineer to Senior System Engineer despite and because of the trepidation of many.

“This does not bode well for Apple, said the San Jose Mercury News’ Dan Gillmor. “A company must make promotion decisions based on contribution, not tender feelings.

“Except, perhaps, Hallmark. Maybe all the pansy-assed sobbers get promoted right to the top there. I don’t know.”

Apple managment was not proud of the decision, but felt its hands were tied.

“I didn’t want to do it,” said Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand Serlet, “His performance has just been mediocre. But I just couldn’t bear to see him bawling again.”

Fogel has broken down and wept during the “Areas for Improvement” section of his annual review for each of his four years at Apple.

“One year he started crying before we had even finished ‘Strengths.’ I asked him why he was crying and he said it was because he knew we were about to get to ‘Areas for Improvement’!

“I don’t need that again.”

Fogel’s presence at Apple has caused discomfort for more of his coworkers than just Serlet.

“Bertrand just has to manage him,” said Fogel’s peer Tony Perez. “He can practically get away with meeting with him once a quarter. I have to work with him. You never know what’s gonna set the guy off.”

According to Perez, Fogel once wept openly over a series of edits to some code documentation.

“I tried to go easy on them,” Perez said. “But code documentation shouldn’t make reference to your own personal ‘cycle of shame.’ What the hell is that? All I know is it doesn’t have anything to do with OS X system threads.”

Several other Apple employees indicated that after being promoted, Fogel cried at a celebratory lunch thrown in his honor when the restaurant ran out of curly fries and he was forced to have regular fries.

22 thoughts on “Apple Promotes Guy Who Cries All The Time.”

  1. Oh, dear. I (sniff) wasn’t… first…

    Oh, here I go again… Please don’t watch…

  2. I’m going to cry if Apple doesn’t send me a new 20″ iMac G5 free of charge.


  3. First Post!

    Hah…bite me Moltz. Boy, intolerance is cool.

    OK, off to the mall where I’ll barge in line and look down on people I think I’m better than.

    Not that I think that I’m better than Mr. Moltz, by any means. No, I’m just saying that during his watch knife fights among restaurant crews are up 23%. Ricer cars up 17%. Taxes on sportsbook badger racing up 72%.

    My fellow citizens, it is time for regime change. Crazy Apple Rumors comments section needs strong leadership in these times. We also need cheaper sexbots and a headless iMac, and he hasn’t delivered that yet.

    So I ask you, America, what do you want? 4 more years of Higher Sexbot Prices™, Late Stories™, and Anti-MegaPost Behavior™! No, sir!

    Vote for me, and I will get More MT Spam™, Lower Prices for Comments™, Affordable Sexbots for Teens™. I challenge my distinguished opponent to refute my claims, as they are based on the truth, not some fairy tale and gorilla dust that we’ve had to rely on for the past 4 years.

    Vote MacStansbury in 2004™

    I’m MacStansbury, and I approve this message.

    (paid for by the committee to give this guy something better to do with his time. and Howard.)

  4. Macstansbury,

    At least you’re not flip-flopping. Did Simon and Garfunkel have a song about that? “Flip-Flopping Away”?

    And I really like curly fries!

    And In-N-Out Burgers!!!!!

  5. I’d be crying too if I worked at Apple, but they’d be tears of joy. (Sigh…)

    Of course, it also speaks to the sensitive nature of Apple that they don’t have a designated Ball-Buster(TM) on staff to straighten Fogel out.

  6. “Affordable Sexbots for Teens™” ???

    You must have missed the video…

    Don’t Date Robots!!!

  7. What post is this? Sixteen? OMG! OMG! I’m so gonna cry right now!


    The eleventh post doesn’t care, she never waits for me!


    Um, stuff about me not getting the eleventh post.

    *sob ad nauseum*

  8. when having the courage to admit a mistake is flip-flopping, while being stubborn is praised as being consistence, we know we live in a truly postmodern world (or, no one know how to read anymore).

    I vote for the happymac to be the supreme leader of my mac life.

  9. Hot News

    I an effort to assist out of work NHL referees; Apple has announced the immediate availability of refrub equipment including iPods, iBooks, iMacs, Powerbooks and G5s. All of the above mentioned have been painstakingly rubbed down by an out of work NHL referee. Suspected canadian Phil Schiller was quoted as saying, “My heart really goes out to these guys. They never asked for the lock out and they really could use the work so, I said to Steve. “Steve, I have a great idea to market and sell our equipment!” And then Steve sort of said “Okay, go for it.” or “Skokie gopher tea” I think since his speech was kinda slurred from all the Morphine and stuff so, I ran with my idea.” Dan Gilmor was speechless after reading the press release.

  10. Oh, sorry – my mistake.

    She was a hobgoblin *with* a small mind.

    PS: Commiserations, Huck. You can make a play for 99th if you want; I think she’s still free.

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