Apple observers were disturbed today to see that the company had promoted a guy who cries all the time.
38-year-old Patrick Fogel, who reported cries at the drop of a hat, was promoted from System Engineer to Senior System Engineer despite and because of the trepidation of many.
“This does not bode well for Apple,” said the San Jose Mercury News’ Dan Gillmor. “A company must make promotion decisions based on contribution, not tender feelings.
“Except, perhaps, Hallmark. Maybe all the pansy-assed sobbers get promoted right to the top there. I don’t know.”
Apple managment was not proud of the decision, but felt its hands were tied.
“I didn’t want to do it,” said Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand Serlet, “His performance has just been mediocre. But I just couldn’t bear to see him bawling again.”
Fogel has broken down and wept during the “Areas for Improvement” section of his annual review for each of his four years at Apple.
“One year he started crying before we had even finished ‘Strengths.’ I asked him why he was crying and he said it was because he knew we were about to get to ‘Areas for Improvement’!
“I don’t need that again.”
Fogel’s presence at Apple has caused discomfort for more of his coworkers than just Serlet.
“Bertrand just has to manage him,” said Fogel’s peer Tony Perez. “He can practically get away with meeting with him once a quarter. I have to work with him. You never know what’s gonna set the guy off.”
According to Perez, Fogel once wept openly over a series of edits to some code documentation.
“I tried to go easy on them,” Perez said. “But code documentation shouldn’t make reference to your own personal ‘cycle of shame.’ What the hell is that? All I know is it doesn’t have anything to do with OS X system threads.”
Several other Apple employees indicated that after being promoted, Fogel cried at a celebratory lunch thrown in his honor when the restaurant ran out of curly fries and he was forced to have regular fries.