08 Oct 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I recently bought an Apple Keyboard which I like very much. It’s a nice compact design with an excellent feel to the keys. However, I’d like to overclock it to make it run faster. Can you tell me how?
A: Um… I don’t think you can overclock a keyboard. It’s not really processing anything…
Q: Oh. Well, how about my printer?
A: I’m… not sure. I doubt it, though.
Q: Huh. Well… I have an orange. Can I overclock this orange?
A: Do you even know what overclocking is?
Q: It just makes things go faster. I want things that are faster.
A: Well, yes, but it also makes them run hotter.
Q: Ahhh, really? Well, then can I…
A: You cannot overclock your pants.
Q: Dammit, why not?!


Q: I’ve been reading this and other rumor sites for a long time and, as there doesn’t seem to be much to it, I’ve decided to start my own rumor site. The problem is, all of the good domain names are taken. SpyMac.com… AppleInsider.com…
A: Ah, I see.
Q: So, I’ve got it down to MacSkizzleFrizzle.com or AppleSkizzleFrizzle.com. Which one do you think is better?
A: Uh… are you sure those are the only ones available?
Q: Yes! And I’m really worried that they’re going to get taken! So, c’mon, which one?
A: Um… well… they both suck, so…
Q: Yes, yes! Hurry!
A: I don’t know. I guess…
Q: AGH! Dammit! They’re gone! They’re gone! Someone else snatched them up. That’s great. That’s just great. Thanks for the timely help! [click]
A: Hello? Hello? Huh. … MacSkizzleFrizzle?


Q: HELLO, FRIEND!
A: Ah, crap…
Q: DO YOU LIKE TEXAS HOLD ‘EM?!
A: No.
Q: OH. HOW ABOUT GAY BONDAGE SEX?!
A: Um… hmmm… well… No! No, no.
Q: THEN PERHAPS I CAN INTEREST YOU IN PAI GOW?
A: I… don’t even know what that is. Is it dirtier than gay bondage sex?
Q: UHHH… ACTUALLY, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS EITHER. IT’S JUST ON THIS LIST…
A: Look, I’m just not interested in anything you have. And if I were, I wouldn’t click on your link because I loath and despise your tactics.
Q: AH. I SEE. ACTUALLY… YOU KNOW… I’M NOT REALLY ASSOCIATED WITH ANY OF THESE SITE.
A: Oh.
Q: I’M JUST VERY LONELY, YOU SEE…
A: Then… why are you typing like that?
Q: WHAT? OH! I’m sorry. My caps lock key was on.
A: Ah-hah.

27 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Duh, the only overclockable fruit is the lemon.

    phurst

  2. Bellidancer says:

    What about the Kiwi? Cut one open and it even looks like it is booting up.

  3. Brother Mugga says:

    ‘(Over-)Clockwork Orange’

    Could that even get a certification?

    Then again, ‘Hawk the Slayer’ did, so I guess the censors must think we’re pretty robust.

    I’m so tempted to hang around for 11th before toddling off to bed…

  4. UhhhDude says:

    I’M OVERCLOCKED!!

    (Also, fourth.)

  5. OverclockedLemon says:

    Fuck yeah, Mr. Blatz!

    Goats rules!

  6. Anonymous says:

    6

    or is it?

  7. mr. conspiracy says:

    [ComicBookGuy}Worst Post Ever.{/ComicBookGuy}

    And I’m drunk. I just want you to remember that. I’m drunk, and this is “worst post ever.”

  8. I’m SOOOO gonna overclock my girlfriend’s pants. It’s gonna be HOT!

    Oh, and where can I get a lesbian ninja sexbot? We’ve totally been thinking about having a threesome, but we’re too chicken to actually ask anyone.

  9. Huck says:

    *looks around furtively for Brother Mugga*

    Don’t even!

  10. Brother Mugga says:

    Don’t even what, Huck?

    Don’t even…

  11. Brother Mugga says:

    …POST you mean?

    I am *KING* Eleventy – all other eleventy variants must look upon my prime-numberish works and despair!

    Bwah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    Curiously, that feels better than performing a semi-illegal act (even in Holland) with my brand-new butt-ratchet.*

    (*Copyright 2004: Son of Megapost)

  12. younghart says:

    Is the domain “www.learntocountonmovabletypecomments.com” still available?

    I am glad you’re finding a working and entertainable (at least for you) way to overcome your underfunded-highschool deficiencies.

    By the way, I overclocked my Bluetooth – it’s sending and receiving on X-ray wavelength now.

  13. NOTHING says:

    THAT LAST ONE WAS SO UNREALISTIC. NO ONE EVER FORGETS TO TURN OFF THEIR CAPS LOCK LIKE TH… Ohh, sorry. Never mind. My mistake.

  14. younghart says:

    And what is all the fuzz about this caps lock? I don’t get it. I’m not wearing any, they look stupid. Who wants to steal caps anyway? With all these stupid company logos, like “Steve’s Leather Outlet, Coxsackie NY”. That’s so 1980’s.

  15. Garnack says:

    Brother Mugga, don’t you mean “butt-ratchet OF DOOM”.

    Has anyone else noticed that CARS gets these support calls, but they never post the phone number. How are we supposed to call in with our support questions on Fridays if they don’t post a phone numer or maybe an iChat address?

    I’ve had this real bad problem with my Quicksilver thinking it’s Napolean. It keeps commanding me to capture Europe and bring it short women. Sometimes it refuses to save my documents unless I lie to it and tell it that Britan is about to fall or the girls are on thier way. What a pain!

  16. Brother Mugga says:

    The ‘OF DOOM’ deluxe variant was all sold out.

    Suspiciously.

    Is there something you’d like to tell the group, Garnack . . . you sly old fox you…?

  17. Baal says:

    Gosh, another prime number comment! (17th)

    Can you tell me why I can’t log into the Sourceforge server? It’s pissing me off!

  18. Anonymous says:

    Sourceforge hates you.

    Obviously.

    BTW, so does everyone else.

  19. Garnack says:

    Eggs are sold by the dozen. Socks in six packs as well as beer. But try to order a gross of the ‘Butt-Ratched of Doom’ and everyone starts looking at you funny and making comments. What can I say, I have friends, and I like to give them gift that keeps on giving.

    Although I was told they were out of stock because they are getting in the new ‘over-clocked’ version that is 20% faster. I’m also told they have solved the overheat/smoking problem. Now, when your butt-ratchet of doom starts to overheat, you have a REAL problem on your hands. Err, on your butt? Whatever, you have a real problem.

    Now Brother Mugga I know you have the pink version and the merlot version, so what color can I send you when I get my order in?

  20. Brother Mugga says:

    I prefer ‘puce’.

    I tends not to show the . . . well, you know the, um…

  21. Anonymous says:

    pimples on your ass?

  22. Zweben AKA Zweben says:

    The comments made me laugh more than the actual help desk….

    Sad.

  23. MacStansbury says:

    A little bit of history here. I went to school deep in the middle of nowhere in the mid-90s where I met several people from a small town called Decatur, MS. One of those people was named Chris.

    He had this habit of coming up with memorable catch-phrases that the rest of us would pick up on. I still use “Stop Sucking” to this day.

    One of his most memorable was the phrase “That’s great. That’s just great.” Whenever you hear that, you think about this guy Chris. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever heard another human being on the planet ever utter it that was not in our sphere of influence.

    Now I find it odd that there were about 10 or so of us Macintosh lovers that all came from the same town, and now I find, on a Macintosh site, that same catch-phrase. Where could it have come from? Hmm?

    Could it have been that somebody just happened to read an email sent by YOURS TRULY™, MACSTANSBURY™ ©2004?!?! Hmmmmmm?!?! Or is Chris working for you guys?!?!

    Or just a random choice of words? I THINK NOT!!! Come clean CARS! The American people want the truth! Admit it, you catch-phrase stealers!

    Oh, and come to my two new websites, MacSkizzleFrizzle.com and AppleSkizzleFrizzle.com, ideas that I came up with completely on my own with no stealing of intellectual property or nothing.

    © 2004 Macs-Ahoy.com All Rights Reserved

  24. Anonymous says:

    mmhhhhhhhhhhhh…

    AppleSkizzleFrizzels

  25. Ozi says:

    Im all for overclosking of pants. Lederhösen should also be overclockable. 🙂 then Germans can join the fun.

    We need to include everyone in this craze.

  26. Anonymous says:

    Last Post!

  27. not quite says:

    Mwaa haa haaa