10 Nov 04Apple Stock Up On Rumors Of Boss New Product.


Apple’s stock traded up to $54.75 today on rumors of a boss new product that will put even the iPod to shame. It is said to be wicked cool and is guaranteed to make you more confident and attractive to members of the opposite sex. And, actually, members of the same sex.

While little is known about the rumored device, it is said to be the Holy Grail of Apple technological design: as beautiful as the G4 Cube, as cutting edge as the Newton, as marketable as the iMac and as desirable as the iPod.

The device is so amazing, sources say, many engineers on the project do not even understand what it does.

“When I was coding some of the core software,” one source said, “it was as if my body had been taken over by the very essence of the universe. I coded in a perfect state of selflessness, allowing the Objective C to flow through me as water through a hose. I was but a vessel for a convergence of forces beyond our reckoning.

“Also, I’d had a lot of soda, so I was a vessel for something else, if you know what I mean.”

Unsubstantiated rumors about the device are that it:

  • is wireless
  • is chrome and white, except for the special edition which is made of adamantium and humanely collected unicorn horn
  • is so beautiful that it blinded several beta testers
  • cures leprosy
  • does something cool and useful and, dude, you gotta get you one of these

The only detractor to the buzz around the uber-product was a rumor that, in order to maintain balance in the universe, Apple was also forced to create an anti-uber-product. This device is purported to have the practicality of the Apple Portable, the timeliness of a IIvi, the long-term marketing strategy of the Newton and the “what the hell were they thinking?” nature of the iPod socks.

Actually, some sources indicate that it may indeed be the iPod socks.

Whatever the case, the bossest Apple product of them all is expected to be announced at a special event in January to be held in a silvan glen populated by talking woodland creatures and attended by a chorus of angels. It will also be catered and feature some really good brownies and free booze.

38 Responses to “Apple Stock Up On Rumors Of Boss New Product.”

  1. Collin says:

    Actually I was first.

  2. MacStansbury says:

    Hey, don’t ruin this for me.

    Time to gloat and stuff

  3. Logitech MX 510 says:

    This could be it! Female robots who won’t say “no, only bad girls do that kind of thing.”

  4. Logitech MX 510 says:
  5. Ozi says:

    Why are you named after a computer mouse? I mean, really. Thats just wierd. I dont go around calling myself “Logitech MX900 Bluetooth” do i? even if it is a superior mouse to yours. ๐Ÿ˜›

    :shamelesss self promotion: http://forums.appletalk.com.au/index.php?showtopic=985 :end self promotion:

    Anywayd, i think this new device will in fact BE the much-mooted sexbots Rev. B

    Del and others have discussed this much anticipated offering of eroticism, cutting edge technology and Chez Wiz at length in the MEGA post. Which is HERE: http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-comments.cgi?entry_id=230

    Have a great day everyone. ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. MacStansbury says:

    Speaking of shameless self promotion:

    http://www.macstansbury.com/news/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=67&Itemid=1

    Copy and paste this link in your browser to see what happens when you give a guy some time, Photoshop, and the First Post.

    And shameless self-promotion.

  7. markeddy says:

    Congratulations, MacStansbury. I know the first post has been a dream of yours for some time now.

    I may be more influenced by the five Sam Adams I ingested earlier this evening than by, say, reality, but this post fills me with anticipatory joy for the product that Apple will surely announce in January that will be so cool it may actually cure leprosy.

    And yeah, WTF is the deal with iPod socks? Are iPods complaining about the cold linoleum floor in the bathroom when nature calls in the middle of the night?

  8. 2000guitars says:

    macstansbury, you rock. You should have your own site. er…, oops.

    *quickly backs out of the room*

    *scurries back to the Mega Post*

  9. Anonymous says:

    Brownies and Free Beer! WooHoo!!!

  10. Huck says:

    Oh man, I really had the 11th post there, didn’t I? She was MINE. I had her so good, I haved her (note that I didn’t halve it, because that wouldn’t be an integer at all).

    I knew it so good, so… in the religious sense. Like, even in the Jeopardy sense.

    Alex Trebeck was all:

    “This babe is the best post evar!”

    And I was all:

    “Who is the 11th post!”

    And he was all:

    “Dammit Huck, stop sucking on the answer board”

    Sweet.

  11. Ozi says:

    Huck likes Celebrity Jeopardy? *hugs Huck*

    Connery: “I noticed you didn’t sit down during the break, Trebek; What’s wrong sweetie? have a date last night?”

    LMAO oh that show rocks hard. ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Del says:

    MacStansbury got the first post because of the Power of the Mega-Postย™. Yes you to can get the coveted “First Post” by visiting and taking part in the Mega-Post shenanigans.

    It worked for me, and it worked for MacStansbury. Let the Mega-Post work for you.

  13. John Moltz says:

    “One of the lamest CARS stories ever”, MacStansbury?

    You know… I COULD take away your first post.

    I could make it disappear and change the space/time continuum to make it so that it never existed.

    OK, maybe not that last part, but I could make it disappear.

    But I won’t. Because I am a compassionate god. Not an angry, vengeful god.

    Except a couple of days out of the month when I get all angry and vengeful. Luckily for you, today is not my “special day.”

    But let this be a warning to you and to all first posters…

    Uh…

    Never leave dirty dishes in your sink overnight. Because fruit flies will breed on them.

    I have spoken.

  14. Del says:

    “This device is purported to have the practicality of the Apple Portable, the timeliness of a IIvi, the long-term marketing strategy of the Newton and the “what the hell were they thinking?” nature of the iPod socks.”

    Apple is Programing Microsoft Bob 2?

  15. MacStansbury says:

    “”One of the lamest CARS stories ever”, MacStansbury?”

    I was misquoted. It should’ve said “One of the nicest, kindest, most gentile, loving posts by that really cool guy Moltz that the CARS has ever seen.”

    I still don’t know how she messed that up. She messed up my Safari, too. Been crashing like crazy.

  16. username says:

    FIRST POST!

  17. Don't look at me. U said it happens to all of the posts says:

    MacStansbury, we all understand what happened. It was the heat of the post. There you were. All snuggled up to the warm glow of your monitor, hands moving furiously to finnish in time before someone else posts just before you get to press the return button. And there you are, all alone, and vulnerable. Your post just lying there, like a limp, useless……..

    Hey, when did this become about me…… (sobbing uncontrollably)…. I didn’t think it was all about how many times I made you post.

    I thought it was about communication, and maybe a little cuddling.

  18. Shaggy says:

    Hey, are those going to be the “special brownies”? ‘Cause I’m hungry.

  19. UhhhDude says:

    November 11th Post! Woot! Woot!

    Oh.

    I guess they all are, today. Hm.

    Nevermind….

  20. Mac Whore says:

    As my grandpappy would say… I’d give my eyetooth for one of those (boss thingies)

    Or should I say “iTooth”

    err…nevermind

  21. Bludge says:

    I’ve heard that if you use one of these new devices, your eyesight clears, your scabies drop off, and your departed loved ones rise from the grave.

    However, it must be kept at least 50ยด away from pregnant women and ghosts.

  22. A commentor of the CARS website says:

    Has anyone seen my A? It fell off whilst ROF L it O.

    Pls. Advise ASAP may be needing it soon.

    $8 reward!

  23. Grubs 'n Cakes says:

    Jeezum crow, ten minutes earlier and my post would have gone down in history as the Great 11/11 11:11 post of Aught Four.

    ~ Crab Cake William-fish

  24. GLAARKU says:

    Not just special brownies… “really good brownies”

    ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰ Say no more. Say no MORE!

    “You mileage may vary”

    “These go to eleven”

    “I’m on top of the world, Ma!”

    “Shut down all the garbage mashers on the detention level!!!”

  25. Anonymous says:

    There will be another chance for “the Great 11/11 11:11 post of Aught Four.” Now lets all see if we can bring down Moltz’s server at 11:11 tonight.

  26. GLAARKU says:

    What time zone is that?

    I just encased my iPod in carbonite… but I forgot to plug in the cables. ๐Ÿ™ Looks really cool though!

  27. iPod Socks says:

    The iPod socks are actually real! Check the Apple Store.

  28. MacStansbury says:

    But are the iPod Socks…

    REAL ULTIMATE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

    That’s what I was getting at…

  29. Boss Product says:

    For REAL ULTIMATE POWER check out:

    http://www.badgers.org.uk/

    Badgerz RULE!!!!

  30. MacStansbury says:

    This is like the frickin Mother Lode…can it get any better than this?

    I love you Comments on Story#343. I love you.

  31. GLAARKU says:

    Cool! You ROCK, my man! Have you been here (http://badgerbadgerbadger.com/) yet?

    It freaks me out!!!

  32. poopooman says:

    for real, ULTIMATE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    go to http://www.tubgirl.com/

    or http://www.lemonparty.org/

    or look up goatse on google, then you willl have 1,000,000,000 fall from the sky in to your lap.

  33. Um, okay, so if – and I am not implying that they are – the iSocks ARE indeed the anti-uber-product, and if in fact the uber-product does cure leprosy, then that would mean the socks actually cause it?

    Not that I’m worried about leprosy on my feet, but, um, eh, well…what if you put them on some other “appendage” so to speak – and I’m not saying which one that averages six inches in the human male and some refer to it as Johnson – does that mean I need to go see my…um…doctor with an “ologist” on the end of the name of his specialty? Will I be banned to that obscure Hawaiian island of lepers?

    Gee…well…I sure hope you were joking…

  34. MacStansbury says:

    or, while we’re on the subject of badgers…

    http://www.footballbadgers.com/

    I’m amazed this post still lives.