Apple’s stock traded up to $54.75 today on rumors of a boss new product that will put even the iPod to shame. It is said to be wicked cool and is guaranteed to make you more confident and attractive to members of the opposite sex. And, actually, members of the same sex.
While little is known about the rumored device, it is said to be the Holy Grail of Apple technological design: as beautiful as the G4 Cube, as cutting edge as the Newton, as marketable as the iMac and as desirable as the iPod.
The device is so amazing, sources say, many engineers on the project do not even understand what it does.
“When I was coding some of the core software,” one source said, “it was as if my body had been taken over by the very essence of the universe. I coded in a perfect state of selflessness, allowing the Objective C to flow through me as water through a hose. I was but a vessel for a convergence of forces beyond our reckoning.
“Also, I’d had a lot of soda, so I was a vessel for something else, if you know what I mean.”
Unsubstantiated rumors about the device are that it:
- is wireless
- is chrome and white, except for the special edition which is made of adamantium and humanely collected unicorn horn
- is so beautiful that it blinded several beta testers
- cures leprosy
- does something cool and useful and, dude, you gotta get you one of these
The only detractor to the buzz around the uber-product was a rumor that, in order to maintain balance in the universe, Apple was also forced to create an anti-uber-product. This device is purported to have the practicality of the Apple Portable, the timeliness of a IIvi, the long-term marketing strategy of the Newton and the “what the hell were they thinking?” nature of the iPod socks.
Actually, some sources indicate that it may indeed be the iPod socks.
Whatever the case, the bossest Apple product of them all is expected to be announced at a special event in January to be held in a silvan glen populated by talking woodland creatures and attended by a chorus of angels. It will also be catered and feature some really good brownies and free booze.