Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I’ve been using iPhoto to store all the photos from my digital camera and recently have been playing around with the Enhance feature. It seems to do a decent job of adjusting the contrast and brightness, but the color tints are often wrong. How can I get better color correction from iPhoto?
A: Oh, yes, that’s right. Blame the software! I’m sure it hasn’t occurred to you that it could be your fault! That you just take crappy pictures!
Q: Uh, well, sort of, but…
A: But I’m sure you just see iPhoto as an application. A collection of ones and zeros that, when put through certain hardware gateways, performs an automated function designed to make your life easier!
Q: Um… is that not exactly what it is?
A: Can’t you see?! Can’t you see beneath its brushed metal exterior to what it is on the inside?
Q: Uh… well, why don’t you just tell me what it is on the inside since I don’t seem to be very good at this game.
A: I will tell you what it is on the inside! A beautiful woman! And a woman who loves you! God, can’t you see that after all these years?!
Q: I’m gonna go with “no” and I think I’ll just not bring up my issues with iTunes.
A: I just… I just hate to see you throw away the love! When it’s right in front of your face!
Q: I have a Wall Street PowerBook that I’ve been using for years and it’s been a good machine but lately I feel that it’s time to let go of the past and upgrade. This is a big step for me, as this PowerBook has been a big part of my life for the past 6 years. We’ve been through a lot together. I hate to give up on it.
Q: Uh… yes?
A: Ted. Isn’t there more to it than that? Just wanting to upgrade?
Q: Well… there have been issues…
A: Mmm-hmm. Of course. There are always issues. But I’m talking about… abuse.
A: The temperamental performance. The crashing. The incompatibility with the latest applications. How long do you think you can be a victim, Ted!
Q: But I know it loves me! I just know it!
A: Ted! I want you to listen to me! You are a strong, lovable person who needs better from a machine! Break the cycle, Ted! Break the cycle of abuse!
Q: But… if I get a new PowerBook won’t I just be in the same place a few years down the road?
A: Uh… probably. But, jeez, Ted. A Wall Street? Buy a new damn PowerBook for Pete’s sake. Move into the 21st century.
Q: Uh… OK.
Q: I AM TENTACULOUS, DESTRUCTOR OF WORLDS. HEAR ME! THE APPOINTED DAY OF YOUR PLANET’S DOOM APPROACHES. EVEN NOW MY DREAD ARMADA DRAWS INEXORABLY CLOSER TO YOUR TINY WORLD. SOON YOUR EARTH WILL SHATTER BENEATH THE FORCE OF MY DEATH RAYS. TENTACULOUS HAS SPOKEN!
A: Mmm. I’m listening to you speak, Tentaculous, and you know what I’m hearing?
Q: THE SILENCE OF ENTIRE WORLDS BEING VAPORIZED IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE? THE CRIES OF A THOUSAND CIVILIZATIONS THAT HAVE BEEN DESTROYED BECAUSE IT WAS MY WILL? THE CRUNCHING OF BONES AS I STRIDE ACROSS THE RUINS OF ONCE PROUD CITIES?
A: Noooooo… I hear fear.
Q: AH! THE FEAR ENTIRE GALAXIES EXPERIENCE UPON THE MERE MENTION OF MY NAME?
A: No, no. I hear the fear that’s inside you.
Q: WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL YOU TALKIN’ ‘BOUT? YOU’RE CRAZY. THAT’S CRAZY TALK. TENTACULOUS DOES NOT FEAR. TENTACULOUS IS FEAR! LOOK! IT EVEN SAYS THAT ON MY BUSINESS CARD…
Q: WHAT?! GOD, THAT’S ANNOYING!
A: You can go around crushing worlds, destroying civilizations and ruling with an iron fist…
Q: I KNOW I CAN! THAT’S WHAT I DO!
A: …but you’re really just hiding. From yourself.
Q: YOU KNOW, I DON’T HAVE TO SIT HERE AND LISTEN TO THIS. I ONLY CALLED BECAUSE MY GRAND INQUISITOR SAID I SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT MY “ISSUES”. WHAT THE HELL DOES HE KNOW? I SHOULD HAVE HIM THROWN OUT OF AN AIRLOCK.
A: Making the Grand Inquisitor go away won’t make your problems go away. Besides… I don’t think you’re mad at him.
A: No. I think you’re mad at… your father.
Q: [Begins to tear up] HE… HE… HE NEVER SAID HE WAS PROUD OF ME! WAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAA!!!
Q: I WORKED SO HARD TO TRY TO PLEASE HIM! AND DID HE EVER SAY “YOU DID A GOOD JOB DESTROYING HALF THE GALAXY” OR “I ENJOY SEEING YOU SUCCEED IN THE DOMINATION OF STAR SYSTEMS”? NO! HE’D ONLY SAY “JEEZ, IN MY DAY WE WOULD HAVE FLAYED THEM ALL BEFORE INCINERATING THE PLANET.” OR “THOSE FANCY DEATH RAYS YOU HAVE SURE MAKE IT EASIER TO OBLITERATE YOUR ENEMIES! WE HAD TO USE LASERS!” WAA-HAA-HAAAAAAAAA!!!
A: Well, if your father was alive today I’m sure he…
Q: HE IS ALIVE! HE’S RIGHT HERE!
TENTACULOUS’ FATHER: I HAVE NO SON!
A: Umm, I think our time is up…