12 Nov 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I’ve been using iPhoto to store all the photos from my digital camera and recently have been playing around with the Enhance feature. It seems to do a decent job of adjusting the contrast and brightness, but the color tints are often wrong. How can I get better color correction from iPhoto?
A: Oh, yes, that’s right. Blame the software! I’m sure it hasn’t occurred to you that it could be your fault! That you just take crappy pictures!
Q: Uh, well, sort of, but…
A: But I’m sure you just see iPhoto as an application. A collection of ones and zeros that, when put through certain hardware gateways, performs an automated function designed to make your life easier!
Q: Um… is that not exactly what it is?
A: Can’t you see?! Can’t you see beneath its brushed metal exterior to what it is on the inside?
Q: Uh… well, why don’t you just tell me what it is on the inside since I don’t seem to be very good at this game.
A: I will tell you what it is on the inside! A beautiful woman! And a woman who loves you! God, can’t you see that after all these years?!
Q: I’m gonna go with “no” and I think I’ll just not bring up my issues with iTunes.
A: I just… I just hate to see you throw away the love! When it’s right in front of your face!


Q: I have a Wall Street PowerBook that I’ve been using for years and it’s been a good machine but lately I feel that it’s time to let go of the past and upgrade. This is a big step for me, as this PowerBook has been a big part of my life for the past 6 years. We’ve been through a lot together. I hate to give up on it.
A: Ted.
Q: Hmm?
A: Ted.
Q: Uh… yes?
A: Ted. Isn’t there more to it than that? Just wanting to upgrade?
Q: Well… there have been issues…
A: Mmm-hmm. Of course. There are always issues. But I’m talking about… abuse.
Q: Well…
A: The temperamental performance. The crashing. The incompatibility with the latest applications. How long do you think you can be a victim, Ted!
Q: But I know it loves me! I just know it!
A: Ted! I want you to listen to me! You are a strong, lovable person who needs better from a machine! Break the cycle, Ted! Break the cycle of abuse!
Q: But… if I get a new PowerBook won’t I just be in the same place a few years down the road?
A: Uh… probably. But, jeez, Ted. A Wall Street? Buy a new damn PowerBook for Pete’s sake. Move into the 21st century.
Q: Uh… OK.


Q: I AM TENTACULOUS, DESTRUCTOR OF WORLDS. HEAR ME! THE APPOINTED DAY OF YOUR PLANET’S DOOM APPROACHES. EVEN NOW MY DREAD ARMADA DRAWS INEXORABLY CLOSER TO YOUR TINY WORLD. SOON YOUR EARTH WILL SHATTER BENEATH THE FORCE OF MY DEATH RAYS. TENTACULOUS HAS SPOKEN!
A: Mmm. I’m listening to you speak, Tentaculous, and you know what I’m hearing?
Q: THE SILENCE OF ENTIRE WORLDS BEING VAPORIZED IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE? THE CRIES OF A THOUSAND CIVILIZATIONS THAT HAVE BEEN DESTROYED BECAUSE IT WAS MY WILL? THE CRUNCHING OF BONES AS I STRIDE ACROSS THE RUINS OF ONCE PROUD CITIES?
A: Noooooo… I hear fear.
Q: AH! THE FEAR ENTIRE GALAXIES EXPERIENCE UPON THE MERE MENTION OF MY NAME?
A: No, no. I hear the fear that’s inside you.
Q: WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL YOU TALKIN’ ‘BOUT? YOU’RE CRAZY. THAT’S CRAZY TALK. TENTACULOUS DOES NOT FEAR. TENTACULOUS IS FEAR! LOOK! IT EVEN SAYS THAT ON MY BUSINESS CARD…
A: Tentaculous.
Q: WHAT?
A: Tentaculous.
Q: WHAT?! GOD, THAT’S ANNOYING!
A: You can go around crushing worlds, destroying civilizations and ruling with an iron fist…
Q: I KNOW I CAN! THAT’S WHAT I DO!
A: …but you’re really just hiding. From yourself.
Q: YOU KNOW, I DON’T HAVE TO SIT HERE AND LISTEN TO THIS. I ONLY CALLED BECAUSE MY GRAND INQUISITOR SAID I SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT MY “ISSUES”. WHAT THE HELL DOES HE KNOW? I SHOULD HAVE HIM THROWN OUT OF AN AIRLOCK.
A: Making the Grand Inquisitor go away won’t make your problems go away. Besides… I don’t think you’re mad at him.
Q: NO?
A: No. I think you’re mad at… your father.
Q: [Begins to tear up] HE… HE… HE NEVER SAID HE WAS PROUD OF ME! WAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAA!!!
A: Mmm-hmm.
Q: I WORKED SO HARD TO TRY TO PLEASE HIM! AND DID HE EVER SAY “YOU DID A GOOD JOB DESTROYING HALF THE GALAXY” OR “I ENJOY SEEING YOU SUCCEED IN THE DOMINATION OF STAR SYSTEMS”? NO! HE’D ONLY SAY “JEEZ, IN MY DAY WE WOULD HAVE FLAYED THEM ALL BEFORE INCINERATING THE PLANET.” OR “THOSE FANCY DEATH RAYS YOU HAVE SURE MAKE IT EASIER TO OBLITERATE YOUR ENEMIES! WE HAD TO USE LASERS!” WAA-HAA-HAAAAAAAAA!!!
A: Well, if your father was alive today I’m sure he…
Q: HE IS ALIVE! HE’S RIGHT HERE!
TENTACULOUS’ FATHER: I HAVE NO SON!
Q: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
A: Umm, I think our time is up…

34 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Aimon says:

    First Post.

    Finally I get one!!!!!

  2. MacStansbury says:

    first post was only lost because of a dumb caching problem

    oi, I need to get out more

  3. UhhhDude says:

    Third!

  4. Hanji says:

    nth!

    Go on, steal that one from me. I dare you.

  5. Joe says:

    How many posts before someone comments on the feature?

  6. Adam says:

    The eleventh, of course. Before that is just anticipation. Of course, there could still be more trollish off-topic discussion after that… in fact, probably a vast majority of the comments here are not related to the articles.

  7. MacStansbury says:

    I, for one, welcome our-oh what? not yet? but it’s the-oooooooh.

    oops, I wasn’t watching the post count.

    be back, um, later, I guess.

    but this one will be funny, I swear!

  8. 8th says:

    Hi i got 8th yea

  9. Anonymous says:

    blua

  10. Tard says:

    First Post!!!!!!!!!!

    yay……

    I got Mail!!!!!!! I Got Mail!!!!!!

    What is wrong with you people?

    CARS is funny. Very funny.

    Moronic comments from desperate people who want to be ‘first’ are not. They’re just sad!

  11. 9th says:

    oo eya i got eleventh post

  12. Tentaculous needs to meet Cthulhu.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Man, that Tentaculous is just a big wuss. What a crybaby.

  14. MacStansbury says:

    I, for one, welcome our new Tentaculous-y overlord.

    Worth the wait, if you ask me.

  15. mikeylikesit says:

    Nice hitchhiker’s allusion… throw him out of an airlock? Nice…

  16. PoisedNoise says:

    tbh I don’t see it as specifically a Hitchhiker’s allusion – I mean it is the obvious way of getting rid of someone in space. Witness Alien, Aliens, ummm, I’m sure there are loads more, wait…

    It’s like someone saying “I should have thrown him overboard” and you say “oooh, nice Wlll and Grace allusion there…” or something.

    What the hell am I going on about anyway? What suddenly made me all cranky? Geez, I need to go get some breakfast.

  17. Denis says:

    Talking about tentaculous…

    I am sure you already noticed the copyright on this site:

    All content copyright © 2001-2004 Giant Squid Productions, LLC.

    Good that the CARS staff didn’t mess further with the boss. Implying he died of old age — Sheesh.

  18. RM says:

    I. . . I have to go call my son.

  19. Anonymous says:

    brussel sprouts

  20. Mrs. Potato Head says:

    I can hardly wait ’til one of the ‘Comment’ regulars calls into to Help Desk. Talk about issues….

  21. blank says:

    I think the whole TENTACULOUS thread is a transparent attempt to fish for posts from CTHULHU, GLAARKU and the rest.

  22. MacStansbury says:

    Again I’ll reiterate again that I too also say as well that Moltz is all about the pandering. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of Moltz and his pandering.

    Where is MacGruder? Where is Yamamoto? Where is the Entity? I want to hear pandering from them! I want to hear how great Chet thinks we are! Something about Ninjas or hot tubs.

    And for those of you wondering, it’s Masako. That’s who Yamamoto is. Masako Yamamoto. She’s the-er, um-we called them the “alternative lifestyle girls” when I was in band.

    Well, I did. Everybody else just threw snowballs with batteries in them at me. I hated band.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Lesbians?

  24. username says:

    YES!!! 14th POST!!! YEAH!!!! I AM SO COOL!!!!!!!! 14 RULES!!!!!!

  25. username says:

    did i say 1

  26. Anonymous says:

    agha, i hit enter, or something, i don’t care, i should be sleeping, i can;t see my keyboard, screw you guys, im going home, ya breaking my balls, not thinking clear either

  27. That's Mr. Spam to you says:

    Just pork shoulder. Hold the ham.

  28. GLAARKU says:

    “CTHULHU, GLAARKU and the rest….” are here on Demongod Island!!!

    As for Air Lock references, James Bond almost got “airlocked-out” in Moonraker, and I think there was some Air Lock hijinx in one or more of the Austin Powers movies. And I heard from this guy that there was an Air Lock scene in Hitchcock’s Rear Window that got cut… and who can forget the Air Lock scene from Monty Python’s Holy Grail!?!

    If for one welcome TENTACULOUS! We could use more Demongods around these parts, if you ask me. And no, I know you did not ask me, but you thought it. Not about TENTACULOUS, but that you thought about not asking me.

  29. Anonymous says:

    dick chainy is all demongod I’ll ever need

  30. Man, when are you reading this slop when you could be reading real comedy. Or politics. Or something.

    What are you looking at? What? What?

    Just go to this site and no one gets hurt.

    http://theaggpro.blogspot.com/

  31. MacStansbury says:

    Hey! No grandstanding and shilling your own web site!

    It’s like I tell everybody at http://www.MacStansbury.com, don’t go around grandstanding and shilling your own web site.

    John

    Founder & CEO

    http://www.MacStansbury.com

  32. WhatTheFojjie says:

    What the hey? A few days ago this post only said that there was no posting today. I was thinking hey, what about the friday help desk. Now there is one in the Friday posting. Yo, am I trippin’ or what?

  33. Anonymous says:

    I’m guessing that “a few days ago” was actually last Friday, when there was no post. Sounds like you slept through most of the week again.