Apple has curtailed the iPod Store’s practice of summarily assigning all Apple products a rating of five out of five but has implemented the same practice for executive reviews, which help determine compensation.
From now on, all Apple products in the iPod Store will not be rated, while Apple executives will all be given five stars out of five on their performance reviews.
“There was a lot of customer complaint about the iPod Store ratings of Apple products,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.
“You know… how they were really self-serving and talked down to our customers and were completely meaningless and just showed we can only get so close to being a truly customer-oriented company.
“Any-hoo, we canned the store ratings, but we really liked the whole ‘We’ll tell you the rating!’ idea, so we said what if… what if… our executive reviews were all five out of five?”
According to sources, the executive group slipped the proposal to Steve Jobs in the form of a birthday card for Senior Vice President of the iPod Division Jon Rubinstein. The card featured a collection of whimsical animal characters by Sandra Boynton, each identified with the name of the Apple executive.
Jobs unknowingly signed the proposal and put his own name next to the little kitty.
Schiller shrugged off the deception.
“We do good work,” he said. “I’m sure Steve would have given us fives anyway. Just like Apple customers would give fives to all of our products.”
If not for a few na’er-do-wells, Schiller claimed, Apple would happily have allowed customers to rate the company’s products.
“We must constantly be vigilant for subversive PC elements within our very midsts. They seek to destroy our very way of life. That’s why we… uh… couldn’t allow people to rate… um…
“You know, I have a 3 o’clock, so…”
Schiller indicated that he is looking forward to his next review.