19 Nov 04Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, because you asked for it, an all-Sexbot edition!


Q: OK, I came in late on this whole “sexbot” thing. Can you sum up?
A: Love to. See, the whole thing started when Apple got all full of itself and decided to hype the hell out of Macworld January 2002. Apple said it would be “beyond the rumor sites.” Can you believe that?! Well, we responded. Oh, yes we did. We responded big time. We stood up for rumor sites. For the parasites of the Mac community. We stood tall! We said “Oh, yeah? Bitch? Well, bring on the sexbots, baby! C’mon! Bring ’em on!” And those lame-assed pu-
Q: You know what? I don’t really care anymore.
A: Oh. Fine. Fine. Just go ahead and ignore our moment of triumph. Even if it was almost three years ago.

Oh! Oh! We also got called by Apple Legal! Hello? Hello?


Q: I would just like to say that when testimony before congress clearly shows that we are faced with a world-wide masturbation epidemic of Biblical proportions, it is nothing short of irresponsible for Apple to not release sexbots.
A: FIrst of all, I will never figure out how we talk in links like that! But I think it’s totally cool! Don’t you think it’s cool?
Q: Uh… what?
A: Second, if you’re concerned about saving the moral fiber of those addicted to Internet porn, I don’t see how getting them to have sex with robots is really an improvement.
Q: Oh. It’s not. I’m not really interested in saving anyone’s moral fiber. I’m just trying to get Apple to release sexbots.
A: Ah. I see.
Q: Yeah. I’ve actually run out of Internet porn, you see.
A: You’ve run… out?
Q: Well… yeah. There really isn’t that much out there.
A: Are we talking about the same thing?
Q: Oh, look, I just want my sexbot, dammit!
A: You know, it’s not the sexual depravity I mind. It’s the lying.


Q: I agree with the previous caller. I totally want one. I mean… I really need one, if you know what I mean. Need. Deep down inside. In an almost… fluid place. Mmm, fluid’s not the right word. Squishy. That’s more like it. It’s a yearning… a longing that will not be sated by other means. Am I making myself clear?
A: Uh, yeah, dude, we get it. You’re randy.
Q: How did you know my name was Randy?
A: Um… randy… with a small… “r”… Look, it doesn’t matter…
Q: Oh, no, no, no. I mean, well, yes, but it’s not the “sex” bit as much as it is the “bot” bit! It’s one thing to have the latest gaming machine or a blazing fast G5 or a cool phone but a robot? That you can have sex with? That’s technology gold right there. I mean that would put my 46-inch Samsung to shame!
A: Please tell me you’re talking about a television.
Q: Uhhhhhhhhh… yeaaaaaaaahhhhh… a television. Right.
A: Oh, for the love of god.

23 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Daddy bartholomew says:

    FIRST again!

  2. Leibnitz, N. says:

    First, perhaps, but still sad.

  3. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    How did you know I teach high school?

  4. UhhhDude says:

    Third! Sexbots! Yah! Whatever.

    Still thinking of pie.

    Mmmmmmm…pie.

  5. UhhhDude says:

    I mean, fourth.

    See? If it isn’t about the sexbots, then it’s all about the pie.

  6. Dinu. says:

    it seems odd that the Answer-er asks about learning how to speak in links in the second question, when in the first question he speaks in links himself as he says/links we responded!

    You better get your act together Moltz, this kind of shoddy work just won’t fly!

  7. MacStansbury says:

    you need to cut him some slack. he’s been battling spammers and Pennsylvanians.

    I mean SEXBOTS! Frickin SEXBOTS!

    what more do you want? his first born? his porn stash? his Wayne Newton albums?

    and what about waiting till, like, the 15th or 16th post before we even get into the story?

    Standards, people.

  8. Anonymous says:

    My Samsung is WAY bigger than 46 inches.

    My Magnavox is nothing to sneeze at either.

  9. Huck says:

    I want sharks with freakin’ lasers, but no, everyone else has to have sexbots. For Christ’s sake people, we’ve got women! Even women like women — or at least I like women liking women, which is pretty close.

    I dunno, maybe the sexbots could have lasers too. That wouldn’t be horrible…

    BTW, Squishy *is* the right word.

  10. Huck says:

    Ooh, how about an 11th post bot? I could really use one of those — with or without a freakin’ laser.

    Mmm… yeah, an 11th post bot. Thaaaaat’s the ticket. Ooooh, yeah baby. That’s just perfect. Hits the spot. Oh, no baby, don’t stop. Keep goin’… maybe a little to the left…

    Sorry, I was getting a massage. And, I… just… kept typing for some reason.

    Anyway, yeah an 11th post bot would be pretty damned nifty, but I guess not a must-have as long as the 11th post is…

  11. Dougward says:

    Nertz.

    Speaking of sexbots, well… Do we have that kind of battery technology yet?

    And has anybody else thought of combining a G5 with a blanket to make an unholy, super electric blanket?

  12. Bludge says:

    I’ve heard you have to keep them at least 50′ away from pregnant women and ghosts.

  13. Angel Of Toast says:

    “Someone threw out “iWear”, a collection of Apple-inspired fashion wear. ”

    And what do we have two years later?

    CARS is the only rumor site you need.

  14. MacStansbury says:

    I, for one, am sick of all the sexual connotations on the CARS these days. Why, I remember a day when you could take your kids to see a post and then wish there were a comments section.

    But nowadays, it’s all sexbot this and masturbation that. This is as bad as wrestling. But at least with wrestling we get naked Diva pictures.

    I apologize for that last statement.

  15. Anonymous says:

    Wrestling with naked Divas.

    yyyyuuuuuuuummmmmmm!!

  16. caerulea says:

    SEVENTEENTH! because everyone knows that 17 is the new 11.

  17. Abe Linconlogski says:

    Are Sexbots in development somewhere? Do they need Beta Testers, or prehaps someone to lead the Beta Testers? You know, kind of a Master-Beta Tester??

  18. pmsg says:

    …will these sexbots be AC/DC? Will I have to have one of those three-prong converter thingies? How long of a cord will it have? Will there be a piggyback outlet like on a VCR, to plug in another appliance? Will there be a “replay” mode? Will there be a black “U2” edition sexbot? Can I use my existing bluetooth headset with it?

    These are all things I need to know…

  19. MacStansbury says:

    Behold! What all you’se fanboy’se want’se:

    http://www.applegeeks.com/comic_archive/viewcomic.php?issue=150

    got some power management issues, it appears…

  20. Del says:

    I heard the rumor that the sexbots converted the ambient radiation normally found in cities to energy. So no battery packs or wires unless you live in the country/lead lined cement bunker.

  21. GLAARKU says:

    “How did you know my name was Randy?” <== That’s called Comedy Gold, and I can dig it, baby!

    How about a Sexbot that can *MAKE* pies too?! Huh?! Huh?! Tell me that’s not a good idea?!

    Sexbots run on AC *OR* DC, but for my money, and I mean that figuratively, nothing beats a Sexbot inspired Led Zeppelin remake… I give you, Whole Lotta Sexbot:

    Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down inside

    Sexbot, you neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it!!!!

    Wanna whole lotta Sexbot?

    Wanna whole lotta Sexbot?

    Wanna whole lotta Sexbot?

    [eh, it sounded better in the meeting…]

  22. MacStansbury says:

    well, G, if you would ever show for rehearsal, maybe we could make it sound better. seriously, you’re such a diva.