Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today, because you asked for it, an all-Sexbot edition!
Q: OK, I came in late on this whole “sexbot” thing. Can you sum up?
A: Love to. See, the whole thing started when Apple got all full of itself and decided to hype the hell out of Macworld January 2002. Apple said it would be “beyond the rumor sites.” Can you believe that?! Well, we responded. Oh, yes we did. We responded big time. We stood up for rumor sites. For the parasites of the Mac community. We stood tall! We said “Oh, yeah? Bitch? Well, bring on the sexbots, baby! C’mon! Bring ’em on!” And those lame-assed pu-
Q: You know what? I don’t really care anymore.
A: Oh. Fine. Fine. Just go ahead and ignore our moment of triumph. Even if it was almost three years ago.
Oh! Oh! We also got called by Apple Legal! Hello? Hello?
Q: I would just like to say that when testimony before congress clearly shows that we are faced with a world-wide masturbation epidemic of Biblical proportions, it is nothing short of irresponsible for Apple to not release sexbots.
A: FIrst of all, I will never figure out how we talk in links like that! But I think it’s totally cool! Don’t you think it’s cool?
Q: Uh… what?
A: Second, if you’re concerned about saving the moral fiber of those addicted to Internet porn, I don’t see how getting them to have sex with robots is really an improvement.
Q: Oh. It’s not. I’m not really interested in saving anyone’s moral fiber. I’m just trying to get Apple to release sexbots.
A: Ah. I see.
Q: Yeah. I’ve actually run out of Internet porn, you see.
A: You’ve run… out?
Q: Well… yeah. There really isn’t that much out there.
A: Are we talking about the same thing?
Q: Oh, look, I just want my sexbot, dammit!
A: You know, it’s not the sexual depravity I mind. It’s the lying.
Q: I agree with the previous caller. I totally want one. I mean… I really need one, if you know what I mean. Need. Deep down inside. In an almost… fluid place. Mmm, fluid’s not the right word. Squishy. That’s more like it. It’s a yearning… a longing that will not be sated by other means. Am I making myself clear?
A: Uh, yeah, dude, we get it. You’re randy.
Q: How did you know my name was Randy?
A: Um… randy… with a small… “r”… Look, it doesn’t matter…
Q: Oh, no, no, no. I mean, well, yes, but it’s not the “sex” bit as much as it is the “bot” bit! It’s one thing to have the latest gaming machine or a blazing fast G5 or a cool phone but a robot? That you can have sex with? That’s technology gold right there. I mean that would put my 46-inch Samsung to shame!
A: Please tell me you’re talking about a television.
Q: Uhhhhhhhhh… yeaaaaaaaahhhhh… a television. Right.
A: Oh, for the love of god.