Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I have an 867 MHz Titanium PowerBook which currently does pretty much everything I want it to do. Well… yeah. I guess. I mean, there are some things I wish it would do that it doesn’t. You know, like the one I’m calling about. See, it’s a good machine, but it could be better of course. I don’t mean to dis it, but…
A: Look, you know, I’m really in kind of a rush today. Presents to buy. Tree to trim. You know. So, if you could get to the point…
Q: Oh. Well, see, there are some things coming out these days that have pretty high requirements. Like… um… games. I guess. I bet there are some new games I can’t play on it. I don’t know of any because I don’t play games. I do do some development work, though. Heh. “Do do.” Heh-heh.
A: Dude! The point?
Q: I’m getting there. Sheesh. See, there is a prodigious curve to the life cycle of any technology purchase. The question becomes, where is the “sweet spot” on the curve where I, as a technology user, should decide to upgrade and… Wait a minute. You know, I just realized my issue really isn’t with the PowerBook at all.
Q: No, it’s the holidays. It’s the emptiness you’re left with when you realize that another year of reckless consumer avarice and false displays of affection through the showering of others with gifts has not made you any happier, it’s just pointed out how much a lie your life has become.
A: Oh, yeah. I got that.
Q: So, what do I do? When the holidays have come and gone and I’m left alone with the empty husk afforded to me by a bleak and cruel world?
A: You’re deep, Ernie. But, why don’t you just do what everyone else does? Fill it up with liquor.
Q: Oh. Hmm. I suppose I could fill it up with liquor.
A: Yeah. Ernie, do we really have to do this every year?
Q: Well… yes.
Q: Hey, look, I know you’re in a hurry so I’ll be quick.
A: Oh, great. I’d really appreciate that.
Q: I just need to know how to adjust the strength of the quantization in Logic Pro so I can get things close to the beat but not robotic.
Q: How do I do that?
A: You made that up, didn’t you.
Q: No. No. That’s a real question. I… thought you’d know.
A: Well, I don’t. I don’t know. I’m a failure. Are you happy? Happy to point that out at this time of year?
Q: Hmm. No. See, I didn’t plan for it to be a trick question but then it was and I thought for a minute that your failure might bring me happiness but… no.
Q: Um… how… do you… reboot?
A: That’s your question?
Q: I just… thought an easy one would…
A: That’s it. I’m outta here.
Q: Hmm. Well, OK, I guess there wasn’t really a right question there. Um… hello? Huh. Looks like he left.
You know, I don’t really know how to turn this thing off.