21 Dec 04Apple Sues Developers, Plumbers.


Macworld reports that Apple has sued three developers over leaking Tiger to the public on the Internet.

In a related development, the company has also sued a Cupertino plumber for leaks in the One Infinite Loop executive washroom.

“This is inexcusable,” Apple CEO Steve Jobs said. “Look at this mess. And I can’t get this damn faucet to shut off. I tried turning it really hard and I tried jiggling it and I tried… I tried everything!

“I must stop these leaks!”


MOLTZ: Stop. Stop. Stop.

MACGRUDER: Oh, now what?

UGLUK: Yes. What? What?

MOLTZ: This is no good. This isn’t a Mac rumor. This is a pun. We are a respected Mac news and rumor site. We don’t pun.

UGLUK: Grrn? Me pun all the time. Chet pun. You pun. I think the Entity pun once.

MACGRUDER: That wasn’t a pun. It was irony.

UGLUK: No, not that time. Other time.

MACGRUDER: That was static.

UGLUK: Oh.

MOLTZ: Look, guys, we can’t be taken seriously in the Mac community – the community that we support, the community that depends on us – if we base stories on lame puns.

MACGRUDER: OK, pun, yes. But it wasn’t that lame.

UGLUK: Little lame.

MACGRUDER: What are you talking about? You came up with it.

UGLUK: Not Ugluk’s best work.

MOLTZ: Look, look, look. Let’s just fix it, OK?

MACGRUDER: Fix it? John, it’s 6:45 on the Tuesday before Christmas. Who the hell am I going to call?

UGLUK: You know, today Solstice. Big Neanderthal holiday. Me should not even be working.

MOLTZ: [sigh] OK. OK. OK. Let’s just… um… maybe Howard has some art we can post.

HOWARD: [from the break room] Whaaaa-haaaaa!!! Whoooooo-hoooooo!!! Yeeeeeeeee-haaaaawwwww!!!

MOLTZ: What the…?

MACGRUDER: He ate that whole Macworld promotional rum cake that guy from My Personal Getaway sent over.

MOLTZ: Guys, you can not leave that stuff out on the table when he’s around!

UGLUK: You send out email! You say rum cake in break room!

MOLTZ: Well… well… I… I don’t know what I’m doing! Isn’t that obvious by now?

UGLUK: Me… not want to say anything earlier.

MOLTZ: I mean, Jeez, look at this place! I try to implement standard management techniques, many pioneered by geniuses like W. Edwards Deming, Peter Drucker and Karl down at the Frisco Freeze!

UGLUK: Oh, he very good.

MACGRUDER: Totally. Killer burgers built just-in-time.

MOLTZ: But no matter what I do everything just ends up being what it is anyway! You know? I don’t manage this place. It just… is.

MACGRUDER: Mmm.

UGLUK: Mmm.

MOLTZ: Yeah. Huh. Maybe… maybe we need another team-building exercise.

MACGRUDER: No!

UGLUK: No!

THE ENTITY: [hovers in] No! [hovers out]

MASAKO: [over cubicle wall] No!

MOLTZ: OK. OK. I get it. Fine. Whatever. Well… let’s just call it a night, shall we?

HOWARD: [from the break room] I like the bitches!!! Whoooo-haaaaa!!!

UGLUK: Ooh.

MOLTZ: Uh, boy.

MACGRUDER: Have you considered neutering him?

MOLTZ: He is neutered.

MACGRUDER: Wow.

MOLTZ: Yeah. You know… I’m gonna get out of here before something happens in the break room that I don’t want to have to clean up.

MACGRUDER: Uuuuuh, yes, let’s.

UGLUK: Me go too.

MASAKO: [appearing from around the corner, coat in hand] The Parkway has Winterfest on tap.

MOLTZ: Oooh…

MACGRUDER: Oooh…

UGLUK: Arrrroooo…

HOWARD: [from the break room] And then I told him, because I can, Senator! Ha-ha! Yes!

THE ENTITY: [floats in] Buying.

MOLTZ: That’s all I needed to hear.

36 Responses to “Apple Sues Developers, Plumbers.”

  1. Bellidancer says:

    The First …for, apparently, awhile.

  2. macattacks10 says:

    Gah! This close to getting the first post 😛

  3. Bellidancer says:

    Merry Christmas John …to you and the whole staff down there at the CARS HQ.

  4. Jason says:

    whoo hoo! not the first post!

  5. markeddy says:

    After a long day of getting paid to archive CDs onto DVDs and a long night of drinking Sam Adams, finishing with a glass of port, it’s nice to be able to laugh.

    Thanks, John, Chet, Ugluk, Masako, Howard, the Entity.

    “. . . because I can . . . ” (hee!)

  6. Hoo boy that break room is gonna be a mes in the morning. Pew!

  7. Anonymous says:

    What a coincidence. I like the bitches too!

  8. Psyko says:

    Dang you Bellidancer, you stole my line. Or most of it at least. You didn’t get the part where I was going to say Merry Christmas to all the posters, like you, too.

    So, Happy Holidays people, keep up the good work and pointless posts.

  9. Tim says:

    Happy Christmas to all you sad CARS addicts. Your bon mots put a smile on my face most days.

    Happy Christmas Mr Moltz. I still think you should do CARS 3 days a week and write a book with the time liberated.

    Happy Christmas to you pathetic first posters. I hope that next year your life will finally arrive and it will be worth the wait.

  10. Hank the plumber says:

    Look all I’m saying is this…everything was fine and I was just clearing up when Jobs comes in and starts jiggling and pulling at the faucets. I didn’t know what the hell he was doing. When he went for my pipe wrench I knew he was losing it and something was seriously wrong. I mean dude! Heh! Sheesh! If you ask me the guys just got a problem with plumbing in general if you know what I mean. Well lets just say he spent quite a bit of time in the stall after that.

    But it wasn’t my fault OK. So if your guests get a bit rowdy over the festive season give me a call. OK?

  11. David says:

    Moltz, you’re going to write a book, aren’t you? No? Oh… Well you should. It’s a good idea. But it’s *my* idea so… um, I’ll let you have it for 60% of the book’s royalties.

  12. Olgluk says:

    First p … oh bloody hell 🙁

  13. Olgluk says:

    Merry xmas from europe to cars team and cars fan !

  14. UhhhDude says:

    Mair-EEE Ex-muzz! In Duh Heh-pee Gnu Ye-yar!

    (Happy Hanukkah and Happy Kwaanza, while I’m at it…)

    And Masako…I’ll be looking for something extra special from you in my Christmas stocking, OK? Thanks! You’re the best!

  15. Confuzed says:

    Since when does Howard talk? Did I miss something? Has he always been able to talk? Do I need to turn in my CARS Fanboi card? Next you’ll be telling me that Masako is a lesbian.

    Merry Christmas!

  16. UhhhDude says:

    Oh yeah. I forgot to mention that my Christmas stocking is actually a pair of pantyhose. Please fill them appropriately.

  17. Howard says:

    Dude, are you retarded? OF COURSE I CAN TALK! I’m a dog, dang it!

  18. Sigmund F says:

    Howard is simply Moltz’ alter ego.

    Howard is a projection of John’s repressed self freed from John’s responsibilites as a manager and human being. Without self control and the huge expectations John has placed on himself, Howard is able to reflect John’s true desires and needs. Thus while John frets his lack of management control in this story, Howard is off drinking and hooting, as John wishes he could.

    We all need a Howard.

    Happy Holidays CARS Staff and all you depraved posters creating your own alter egos.

  19. Me says:

    Happy Winter Solistice.

  20. John Moltz says:

    Uh, then why is Howard neutered? I certainly don’t want THAT.

    Sometimes a talking dog is just a talking dog, Dr. F.

  21. Sigmung F says:

    John, we do not always have logical control of our uninhibited minds. Your subconcious self created Howard, but as with all human creations, he is imperfect.

    Perhaps there is some sexual expisode or exploit from your past that you are ashamed of and have repressed the memory of. You are punishing yourself for it through Howard’s neutering (which you admit you would not want done to yourself). With a few affordable sessions I could help unearth these deeply buried sexual experiences and maybe you wouldn’t have to feel so bad about them.

    Perhaps there is a paper in this for me. Oh yes, and a theripeutic treatment for you.

    All this psycho-bable mumbo jumbo may sound silly, but it’s a living (or at least it was, for me).

  22. Bellidancer says:

    Cool! This is like sitting in on one of Big Tony’s sessions. Without the threat of violence if the therpist pisses him off, of course.

    I guess the sexbots = the badabing girls.

  23. blank says:

    I don’t know what I’m doing, either.

    It’s okay John, most people are that way most of the time, even if they won’t admit it. There is something to be said for honesty in this matter. Just repeat to yourself, “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

    For extra credit, try: “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!” I bet you feel better now, right? If not, keep at the brews as long as The Entity is willing to keep buying. Just don’t get into any drinking games with him. Trust me, you’ll lose. Those non-corporeal beings can really put it away.

    Of course, there’s something to be said for trying…

  24. CTHULHU says:

    TRY THAT WITH ME, PUNY MORTAL, AND I’LL CONSUME YOUR MARINATED SOUL!

    JUST DON’T TRY IT WITH JAEGERMEISTER!! I CAN’T STAND THAT STUFF!!! PICK A MARINADE THAT TASTES GOOD OR RISK FACING HORROR EVEN MORE UNSPEAKABLE THAN CAN BE RENDERED IN YOUR PUNY MORTAL LANGUAGE!!!!!

  25. Sigmund F says:

    Shock! Dismay!

    Private session notes to self: After a therapy session with Howard I have learned a disturbing truth. John was right, Howard is just a talking dog. However, John is actually a manifestation of Howard’s subcontious self! Howard is a free-wheeling sole whose alter ego craves power, management responsibility, and sexual freedom. This remarkable twist of events was unexpected and unprecedented. Must stop to ponder ramifications.

    Mommy!

  26. Personally, I like Bombay Sapphire.

    MMMMM..mmmmmm……….yummy…yummy gin.

  27. Del says:

    I’m a big amaretto fan. I can drink it in shots or mixed.

  28. Anonymous says:

    Masako is a prototype sexbot.

    John, Howard, and all of us are all figments of her imagination.

    Vermouth is a horrible thing to do to vodka.

  29. Patrick from Auntie Mame says:

    Recipe for perfect martini.

    Step one: pour 1/2 shot of vermouth into martini glass

    Step two: Swirl vermouth around in glass to coat every part of said glass

    Step three: Pour out vermouth from glass

    Step four: fill glass with vodka or gin (your choice though gin is traditional)

    Step five: enjoy

  30. Del says:

    Man I love that movie! Both of them.

  31. Del says:

    Oh and Patrick I got you long pants for Christmas.

  32. Streetrabbit says:

    Whoa! I’m getting a little tipsy just reading these comments. Thank goodness there’s a psychoanalyst here also. A nice balance of poison brain, heal brain.

    Merry Festivus to all. Overindulge while you can!

  33. cars, no, not that cars says:

    happy holidays, cars (no, the rumors cars, not the pixar movie cars).

  34. Skip C in NYC says:

    No fair, John, to throw in references to classic Tacoma dives like Frisko Freeze and the Parkway Tavern. Tacoma transplants now living in Manhattan (and I think there are three of us)don’t need reminders of what we’re missing, particularly around the holidays.

    Besides, does John really read the comments once they are three days old?