Sources deep Inside Apple bring us this special holiday edition of… Inside Apple.
SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT BERTRAND SERLET: Steve! Steve! Thank god we caught you! We… have a problem.
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT TIM COOK: Big problem.
CEO STEVE JOBS: Oh, no. Is there something wrong with the flash-based iPod?
SERLET: Um, no. More time-sensitive.
JOBS: Oh, hell. Is it the Firewire audio device about which I dare not say more?
COOK: No! No, no.
SERLET: No. It’s… the executive Secret Santa program.
COOK: Executive Secret Santa program.
JOBS: I… see. I wasn’t aware we had an executive Secret Santa program.
SERLET: Oh. Um…
COOK: Ooh. Well.
SERLET: This… is uncomfortable.
COOK: We totally meant to ask if you wanted in.
SERLET: Yes. We… uh… I thought Phil was going to tell you about it.
COOK: Me too.
JOBS: OK. Well… regardless… what seems to be the problem?
SERLET: Oh, well, where to begin?!
COOK: It’s totally hosed.
SERLET: You see, Avie got Ron and Ron got Peter. But Peter…
COOK: Tell him about the price limit.
SERLET: There was supposed to be a price limit. Five dollars.
COOK: Five dollars. But Peter clearly spent more on Sina than five dollars.
SERLET: He got him the second season of Sex in the City.
COOK: Sina loves that show.
JOBS: Well, sure.
SERLET: Who doesn’t? It’s such ribald fun… with the sex and…
COOK: What is Big’s real name?! Ha-ha!
SERLET: Right! Anyway… clearly more than five dollars.
JOBS: Oooookay. So… is that it?
SERLET: No! Oooh, no.
COOK: That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
SERLET: The tip!
COOK: Yes! The rest of the iceberg is… much bigger… and… cold…
SERLET: Quite ice-like.
COOK: Indeed, being an iceberg, actually made of ice.
SERLET: See, there’s this whole thing where you can either take the present you got or pick one that someone else got…
COOK: I think it’s complete bullshit.
SERLET: Me too. See…
JOBS: Guys! Guys, I’m gonna stop you right there. See, this is the kind of thing I keep telling you you should be able to handle on your own.
COOK: Oh, man.
SERLET: I’m afraid I have to disagree, Steve! I think we need to bring our disagreements to you for a fair and equitable arbitration.
COOK: Yes. This has set executive against executive. Coworker against coworker. Brother against brother.
SERLET: Ooh, yes. The Renaldi brothers. They won’t even talk to each other. But, frankly, seeing Ron Johnson and Peter Oppenheimer get into a hair-pulling slap fight is really more than what’s in my job description.
JOBS: OK! OK. Here’s what I want you to do.
JOBS: Take a couple of hundred dollars out of petty cash and buy everyone a copy of the second season of Sex in the City and just call it good.
COOK: Steve, pardon me for saying so, but that so misses the point!
JOBS: [exiting building] Don’t care!
SERLET: I have a funny feeling this is going to come up on our annual reviews.
COOK: Pff. Better not come up on mine. It was your idea to go to Steve.
SERLET: I… thought he was in on it.
COOK: Ooh, man, was that uncomfortable!