27 Dec 04Road Trip!


I mentioned last week that we’d have a programming note and here it is.

Um… note to you: there isn’t going to be any programming for a while.

Now, before you start jumping up and down and banging on your keyboards with your knuckles and hooting and angrily shaking your bananas at us and throwing your feces, just hear me out.

See, we work hard for the money. We could just say “take this job and shove it,” but instead we’re working it nine to five. Eight days a week, we bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan.

And, I’m not sure what this has to do with anything, but sisters are doing it for themselves.

So, it’s only natural that we’d frequently take off for a couple of weeks, leaving no forwarding address, and then show up on your doorstep smelling of gin and dressed only in a kimono that says “Rockaway Asian Massage And Go-Karts.”

That’s just what we do, baby. You know that.

OK, so it’s unprecedented for us to take off right before Macworld, but this is a special case. You see, the Entity called “road trip.”

Now, I’ve called “road trip” before and usually that means piling into the car and driving all night to Columbus to see Sleepy LaBeef at the Hey Hey Bar & Grill, spending the night in the car and then driving back. And there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.

But you know when the Entity calls “road trip” it’s got to be something special.

He wouldn’t reveal much, but he did hint that it would involve:

  • “Folding space” to travel great distances in an instant
  • A dramatic confrontation with Tentaculous, the giant octopus-like creature at the center of our galaxy
  • Pie

That’s galactic pie.

So, now, what would you do? Hmm?

Yeah, baby, you’d go for the pie! You gotta find out what galactic pie tastes like!

Now, depending on whether or not there’s an Airport network where we’re going, we might be able to cover Steve Jobs’ Macworld keynote from several thousand light years away, but at this point I can’t promise anything.

I mean, jeez, more than an Airport connection, I’m just hoping there will be a nitrogen/oxygen atmosphere to breath.

And coffee. For the pie.

We also apparently need plasma weapons for our confrontation with Tentaculous.

So, an Airport network is really like fourth or fifth on my wish list.

But, according to the Entity, if we pull this off, we will halt Tentaculous’ impending invasion of our planet. So don’t say we never did anything for you.

The top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters is abuzz with activity right now. Chet and Howard are learning how to use plasma weapons. Masako is readying our laptops (for some reason we need Xcode, MySQL and WingNuts – I have no idea why). The Entity is readying an army of other entities (the vending machine is totally out of Baked Lays). Ugluk is sharpening a bunch of sticks (I’m betting he gets more tentacled aliens with his pointy sticks than Chet and Howard do with their plasma weapons). And the guy is here to refill the water cooler.

I understand that the whole trip takes several “jumps” to various “space stations” across the “galaxy” before we reach our “destination.” If we can check in with you and provide an update on the current state of Macworld rumors, we will certainly do so.

There’s, um, also a chance our molecules could get split apart and shot in every direction across the quadrant.

But the Entity swears that only happens like, 10 percent of the time.

So, what are the odds?

Uh… one in ten, I guess.

Hmm.

Anyway, we will definitely be back after the Martin Luther King holiday.

Unless… you know… the molecule thing.

But I prefer not to think about that.

And Tentaculous’ many bone-crushing tentacles.

And the death rays.

I prefer to think about the galactic pie. That’s gotta be good.

34 Responses to “Road Trip!”

  1. Dan says:

    ok, now that i have established that I am better than the rest of you, I can talk. I just got my first mac! an orange clamshell ibook. w00t!

  2. Aimon says:

    third baby, third!

  3. Spike says:

    Hey, he left the comments turned on after all!

    I think we all know what needs to be done here, people.

  4. skitch says:

    I like a slice of American cheese melted on galactic pie.

    And ice cream. You gotta eat galactic pie a la mode.

  5. Anonymous says:

    The only people preventing the world from being taken over by Tentaculous are the CARS staff? Oh man, are we ever fucked.

  6. Aaron says:

    So, um, maybe the Entity heard about Macworld and thought it was a *real* world? Like a whole planet, with Macs? And everybody would wear raincoats and eat Big Macs and taxi drivers would pull over for fares and say “Hey, Mac!” and Bertolt Brecht would be singing that song from _The Threepenny Opera_ and… and…

    ok, it’s a dumb idea.

  7. Huck says:

    Oh! Ooooh! Oh, oh! Can I go too?

    I’m great at slaying masses of tentacled aliens!

    None can stand against me when I shake my bananas at them and throw my feces.

    Man, I can smell the galactic pie already.

  8. Steve Jobs says:

    I’d just like to officially deny any rumors that Apple has any plans to offer pie and punch at the Palo Alto Genius Bar.

    Thanks,

    -Steve

  9. Psyko says:

    Trust me Huck, that is not the galactic pie you can smell. Galactic pie is not as good as it is cracked up to be, smell or taste.

  10. The Phantom says:

    oh…my…god……

    The 11th post tastes like pie.

  11. UhhhDude says:

    Who called shotgun on this galactic road trip? And do you guys play Planetary Slug Bug and stuff like that?

    I also heard that Deep Space Nine has an excellent Deep Dish Galactic Pie. Although Quark and Nog won’t exactly say what goes into this delicacy, consider yourselves warned.

  12. greenacres says:

    Damn! I missed the 11th post…and it is surely the last one over as I will just bet someone’s molecules will be scattered across the galaxy in a short while….sigh…I guess there will be nothing to do but wait for Tentaculus to come calling. I HATE being squeezed to death by tentacles…SO annoying.

  13. Louzer says:

    OK, how smart is this. You’re going on a galatic trip to battle whats-his-name and save our world, and you post a story saying so? WTF? Its Little BigHorn all over again. There’s Custer, blogging about how he’s going to be out whupping Indian ass at LBH. And what happens, he gets his ass handed to him (seriously, some indian chopped off his ass and like presented it to him – I think it was right before they killed him).

    So, I guess its just time to say goodbye to Moltz and Chet and the others. Well, you kind of figure Masako will be smart enough to ‘get sick’ before the big battle, and miss out on the mass-slaying. And Howard, being a dog, he’ll probably get distracted licking himself, or fall for the ol’ “Go get the ball (but don’t throw the ball)” trick that he’ll miss the blood-letting. Chet, probably will blow his own foot off with his plasma gun, and be stuck in some galactic hospital for a couple of weeks. Ugluk will, oddly enough, disappear for the whole trip. Being from the past, and the entity having to fold the whole space/time continuum to travel, will somehow send Ugluk into the realm of the unknown (i.e. he’ll be stuck in the NYC subway system for the entire time of the trip). So, it’ll be just Moltz who won’t be coming back. Which is probably a good thing, as they really need to find someone ‘professional’ for this job. I mean, come on, half the time there’s not any rumors on this rumor site. And other times, the rumors have been sounding a bit too, I don’t know, in the realm of possibility.

  14. Dan Pourhadi says:

    15th!!!

    It may not be 1 or 11, but it’s after 0 and before 20, and that’s good enough for me.

  15. pmsg says:

    Mmmmmm. Galactic Pie! I loves me somma dat. As long as there are no nuts on it. Not a fan of Galactic nuts. Live long and prosper, Moltz dude. Bon Voyage and all that stuff…

  16. CTHULHU says:

    AFTER WHIPPING WHATS-ITS-NAME (IT HATES TO BE CALLED THAT, YOU KNOW) AT TENTACLE-WRESTLING LAST EPISODE, ONE WOULD THINK A CERTAIN DEMON-GOD WOULD BE APPROACHED FOR ASSISTANCE ON MATTERS SUCH AS THIS, BUT SINCE YOU DIDN’T ASK, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN!

    NOT THAT I’D AGREE TO HELP YOU PUNY HUMANS ANYWAY, SINCE I’M, WELL YOU KNOW, EVIL!! MAY YOUR ROAD TRIP BE ONE OF UNSPEAKABLE HORROR!!!

    OH, AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! YOUR SOULS WILL BE TASTIER THAT WAY!!!!!!!

  17. Anonymous says:

    Rockaway Asian Massage And Go-Karts is quite possibly the coolest place in the world.

  18. nightcrawler1089 says:

    Well, I’ll be anxiously awaiting your return! Some great stories, recently.

  19. Adam Jackson says:

    well there’s always mypersonalgetaway.com for MWSF coverage.

  20. Chris says:

    Sleepy La Beef (see homepage) in Columbus. Doesn’t get much better than that.

  21. Anonymous says:

    Rockaway Asian Massage And Go-Karts

    The happiest place on earth.

  22. Josephine Baker says:

    Shake your bananas some more please, Huck.

  23. Anonymous says:

    I’ll shake my bananas if you shake your coconuts.

  24. Aimon says:

    dude, mypersonalgetaway.com blows…. i see they have to bribe people with iPods to get them to sign-up.

    Anyways, while cars is on an extended hiatus, i’m not sure what to do….. i’m thinking hookers. Does that sound kinda weird to any of you guys?

  25. The Phantom says:

    Only because you didn’t mention booze.

    The official response to an extended CARS hiatus is……….Hookers……AND……..Booze.

  26. Ok. I guess it’s about time I said it, as it probably doesn’t get said to you guys often enough, but…

    Thanks.

    God only knows how long I’ve been reading this stuff, but it never ceases to amuse. My thanks to all of you, and lots of love to The Entity. Good luck with the molecule-thing.

  27. Ben says:

    Wait… so you didn’t already have WingNuts installed on all your laptops?!…

  28. Anonymous says:

    ALE AND WHORES

  29. Dr. Who says:

    Four weeks off? Just so you know, this will be leave without pay!

  30. ipodguy says:

    “There’s, um, also a chance our molecules could get split apart and shot in *ever* direction across the quadrant.”

    Don’t you mean “every” direction? C’mon…

  31. Ozi says:

    you KNOW that “feces” is spelt “faeces” right?

    Please nod, and tell me it was a simple typo. I dont want to be left thinking you CARS guys can’t properly spell POO in its every incarnation.

    geez.

  32. El Capitano Corelli says:

    Mmmm…. pie.

  33. time traveler says:

    I was just away for two weeks (without an airport connection) and come back to this news. The Galactic Pie was out of this world. I guess I will just work my way back each day through the stories and posts to get my fix. Folded space/time. Kind of works out nicely actually.