26 Jan 05Delicious Library Consists Entirely Of Porn.


Concerned friends report that Mac user David Hamlin’s Delicious Library consists entirely of pornography.

“Dave was all excited about Delicious Library and how it can catalog all of your books, movies and games,” said Hamlin’s friend, Eric Rosen.

“But after he showed me how it could scan UPC labels using an iSight camera, I started scrolling through his library and I didn’t see anything that wasn’t porn. That was more than a little disturbing.”

Indeed, Hamlin’s collection contains not a single John Grisham book, Jerry Bruckheimer film or even a copy of Halo. While friends and family have expressed concern over the single-mindedness of Hamlin’s collection, Delicious Monster President Wil Shipley said his company does not judge.

“Our policy is to provide an easy to use cataloging application with a killer interface,” Shipley said. “What the user chooses to put into it is his or her own business.”

Pressed, however, Shipley did admit “Well, OK. Maybe we judge a little. But purely by the logic of the collection, not the content.

“Hamlin, for example, has Monstrous Juggs II – The Revenge. I’m not making any comments about the quality of that particular movie based on the lighting, cinematography or even the multiple scenes that are arguably highly derivative of Gigantic Asses III – Back For More. But what I will say is that if you’ve got MJ2TR, you’ve got to have Monstrous Juggs I to make the library complete. That’s just common sense.

“Otherwise, how would you know what’s going on in MJ2TR? The appearance of Titania Mounds at the end would make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I mean… c’mon.”

Hamlin, however, was unapologetic about his collection.

Monstrous Juggs I has neither the wit nor the gripping story line of MJ2TR,” Hamlin explained. “I simply won’t have low-quality porn in my collection. I won’t.”

41 Responses to “Delicious Library Consists Entirely Of Porn.”

  1. Bellidancer says:

    Posting first is great

    It shows either luck or grit

    I rule, others drool

  2. Psyko says:

    Ohhhh. I was writing a poem for the other one.

  3. Bellidancer says:

    Well I glad CARS obsession with dead and pointlessness and depression is over. And what could be more life affirming than the act of procreation.

  4. Psyko says:

    Moltz, you HAVE hit an all time low.

  5. Aimon says:

    Damn third…. its like winning bronze at an olympics, kinda sucks really when you think about it.

  6. Aimon says:

    Sweet…. not third but fifth and sixth!

  7. Psyko says:

    Dang, I need to keep not trying to get first. I have not tried to get first once, ever, and I am moving up the ranks. Kinda amazing.

    Bellidancer, why have you not posted in the MP yet?

  8. Bellidancer says:

    There was a pointless contest on CARS,

    Where people tried to win posting Wars,

    I admit its a dilly,

    For a contest so silly,

    To keep us from drinking in bars.

    Ok, not my best effort, especially the skewed rhyme. And the Haiku in the first post stinks too, But see Psyko, you can work on poetry and still get first post. WoooHooo!!!

  9. Psyko says:

    Hey, I was WRITING my poem at the time. You were just posting and wrote the poem later.

  10. Bellidancer says:

    Pysko, I did a spreadsheet on the Mega-post awhile back. At that time you had an impressive 50+ posts considering your newbie status. I only had around 45 posts. ( But all of them high quality with much better poetry than tonights.) The big guns, Del, Huck, Cai, Ozi, and a few others have hundreds!!! of posts each. I respect the Mega-Post, I read the Mega-post, I love the Mega-post. I just don’t often have time to post in the Mega-post.

  11. Psyko says:

    Oh, I need to step it up and catch up.

  12. Bellidancer says:

    Pysko, I wrote the haiko and was working on the limerick while waiting for the story. I know that haiku is a real abomination but it is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables. And I had to type a word, refresh CARS, type a word, refresh CARS.

    Damn I have no life.

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    It was 10cc not a poem….in the last one.

  14. Huck says:

    Wow, I could really relate to this one. It’s like it was speaking DIRECTLY TO ME.

    I really think this site would do well to review more pornos. Oh, and yes, more pictures too. Movies? Uh-huh.

  15. Aaron Priven says:

    I have this urge to make a film called “Monstrous Jugs” that has pictures of actual jugs.

    Followed by “Gigantic Melons” and “Huge Tomatoes.”

    Of course, then there’s my film of young women in an archive, called “Girls Gone Filed.”

  16. MacPower says:

    Give a light version of Delicious Library with 20 porn movies free with every Mac mini. That’ll make them switch…

  17. Streetrabbit says:

    This software would be ideal to catalogue my ageing seafood collection, like the prawns from 1994.

    Or my collection of nose hairs of the rich and famous (well I didn’t always have a pen with me!).

    Would iSight be able to focus sharply on a nose hair?

  18. Hank The Baby says:

    Feed me.

  19. Brother Mugga says:

    See, I actually think there must be something wrong with the Delicious Library app itself. Because when I scanned in *my* library it seemed to consist entirely of self-help titles focussing specifically on how to avoid compulsively purchasing self-help titles.

    And, um . . . and porn.

    And surely that can’t be right?

    Is there maybe a guide to Delicious Library we can buy?

    Or better still, something that will show us how to be the best, most delicious user we can be, helping us reach our inner delicious potential and reach for the library stars?

    Anyone?

    Helloooo?

  20. Leisure Suit Larry says:

    Internet porn. Pff.

    You wanna see delicious! I’ll show you delicious…

  21. Del says:

    Aaron Priven if you would like to make a film called “Wet Pussy” you are more than welcome to borrow my kitten Nita. He loves the water (especially since he found the fishtank). I believe he could be a star.

  22. Delicious the app

    Might be, but this article

    Was without taste, Moltz

  23. Julia Child says:

    Oooooo, I must say, I wish I had this program when I was known as the French Chef! I could have kept my cookbook collection organized, and I wouldn’t have accidentally put snails in my food and today people wouldn’t be eating little creepy crawly things. Ugh, I can’t imagine how that happened. Give me a good hamburger. Or some beefsteak if ya know what I mean!

    You don’t think they called me the French Chef because I lived in Paris with my OSS husband, do you? Oh, no! It was because I could french better than Gene Simmons!

  24. Jon says:

    Did the Invisible Evil Boys’ Choir really go on strike? I hope not. I’ve got to get that “Grunda” ditty from yesterday out of my head somehow…

    I hope they don’t break up and pursue solo careers or whatever. I thought the decision to sing in lowercase letters might be a sign they were unsatified with their work and wanted to try something different. It’s not uncommon for artists to do that right before they burn out. Alcohol, then groupies, then trashing the hotel rooms and choir halls, then the experimental album and finally the angry resignation. I think that’s how it works. Maybe it’s groupies, then alcohol. Maybe they skip both if they’re underage.

  25. Psyko says:

    Wait a sec here people. We are not supposed to be on topic with what Moltz wrote. How many times will I have to tell you this? I mean really especially since he gave us such a horrible topic anyway.

    And Ijit, try it yourself. Go to http://www.apple.com/powerbook. Then, using Safari, go to View -> View Source. Scroll all the way to the bottom and look for “apple_g5_powerbook” in there. It isn’t, it says “apple_g4_powerbook.” Then do a search for “g5” in there anywhere and you won’t find anything. Interesting, eh?

  26. Brother Mugga says:

    Or maybe they’re not choirboys after all.

    Maybe they’re castrati?

    Which must have given the groupies something of a shock.

  27. Invisible Evil Scabs' Choir says:

    MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR! MJ2TR!

  28. Psyko says:

    Well, looks like they found something to believe in. Something to live for, cheer for, have me beat the living daylights out of them for.

  29. Streetrabbit says:

    Psyko, did you read The Register article? It clearly states; “next Tuesday at 10:06am, Apple will announce release of the Powerbook G5, pre-loaded with porn to suit all tastes, and a Safari browser with some of Steve’s favourite porn sites bookmarked.”

    At least that’s what I read.

  30. Bellidancer says:

    What would Steve Job’s favorite porn sites be?

    FlasherBeets – red root vegetables naked in public

    ZucchiniGoneWild – Young green squash take over the backyard

    Lettucedoitinthedirt – ….My mind is rotting out like a tomato left on the vine at the end of the summer… I am going to go take a shower.

  31. Streetrabbit says:

    I don’t know about vegetables, I think they’d be more fruit related like;

    thepeeledapple – your favorite fruit unwrapped.

    thefirmbanana – full of GI and very good for you.

    plums – if you’re feeling that way.

    Thepeeledapple. Hey that’s quite good. I might squat on that.

  32. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

    Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

    Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

    Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

    Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

  33. FVPO says:

    John Moltz

    CrazyAppleRumors

    You are here by notified that you have been placed on our Watch List of Potential Plant Perverts. If this sort of filth continues, you will be placed on our List of Positively Identified Plant Sickos. Moving from PPP to PIPS will expose you to law suits, criminal prosecution, and public humiliation. You have been warned.

    F&V Legal

    Fruits & Vegetables Protective Organization

  34. John Moltz says:

    For those of you who complained that this article was without taste, I can only suggest you try licking it harder.

  35. Streetrabbit says:

    poetry time.

    a nudist named Gloria Horn

    had a closet of clothes never worn

    in need of career

    she tatooed her rear

    and now stars in films genre porn

    There you go. Taste added.

  36. Anonymous says:

    Sounds like a DELICIOUS LIBRARY to me

  37. Bellidancer says:

    Outstanding, Streetrabbit. Salacious, yet tastefull.

  38. Spiro T. Agnew says:

    As a former public official I have had to wrestle with the definition of obscenity. It breaks down like this:

    What I like is erotic.

    What you like is pornographic.

    Monster Juggs II The Revenge is trash. Check out Monster Juggs III Saline Resurrection for a truly sublime work of modern erotica.

  39. Psyko says:

    Check out the baseball bat swinging toward your head. Oh, oops, your not a monkey. Sorry.