Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I was fortunate enough to be able to purchase an iPod shuffle just a couple of days after the Macworld Keynote. Initially it was working very well and I was really enjoying it, but lately I haven’t been as pleased with it.
A: What seems to be the trouble? Is the way it shuffles confusing? Is the Autofill feature? How to use it as a flash drive?
Q: Um, no. No. Actually, the problem is I lost it.
A: You lost it?
Q: Well, it’s so damn small that I…
A: No, no, no. You do not just lose the hottest selling device out there. That’s unacceptable.
Q: I didn’t mean to.
A: It doesn’t matter! There are people out there dying to get their hands on these things!
Q: Ah, so you think someone stole it.
A: No! Well, maybe, but don’t change the subject! You don’t know where it is! It could be in your smelly sock drawer!
Q: I’m… not at liberty to discuss the condition of my socks.
A: Ugh. You make me sick.
Q: Sheesh. You’re overreacting. Man, I’m sorry I called you. You know, I’m not even going to ask you to help me find my Mac Mini now.
A: Good because… WHAT?!
Q: I, um, may have lost that, too.
A: I’m… I’m just going to go lie down now.
Q: Um… Hey, do you want to do something later?
A: N-no. No. I would think that would be obvious.
Q: Oh, because of the… losing… stuff… Right. OK.
Q: I’m an avid Mac user and I like to take my Mac everywhere. I have an Airport network set up in my house and it allows me to enjoy my Mac in the kitchen, the bedroom or even on the porch. But I’m wondering which Mac is the best to take with me into the tub.
A: The bathtub?
A: Well, I would say one that’s not plugged in.
Q: Well, if you don’t mind me saying so, dur-hey. But isn’t there some sort of waterproof container for an iBook or PowerBook that allows it to be taken into the water?
A: Uh, you mean you want to buy an expensive laptop waterproofing system like the ones used by researchers who are forced to use their equipment in inclement conditions so you can take your Mac into the bathtub?
Q: It’s just… see, I’ve reached a stage in life where boats and duckies are no longer enough to keep me interested long enough for me to get really clean.
Q: Don’t get me wrong. Pushing them around in the water and making quacking noises or acting out naval battles is still really thrilling for about fifteen minutes, but my servants can’t even get to my naughty bits in that amount of time.
A: Look, Avie…
Q: AAAGH! NO NAMES! NO NAMES! YOU SWORE THERE’D BE NO NAMES!
Q: I’m a scientist who currently uses Windows but is considering the Mac because of the dual-processor G5s. My main complaint about Macs, though, is the lack of scientific software applications.
A: There are many scientific software applications for the Mac, such as Elements or SunGraph or Freefall. What do yo need?
Q: I have a need for software that allows me to model the energy output of the sun. The sun, as you may or may not know, is a giant nuclear thermos.
A: Um… thermos? Don’t you mean furnace?
Q: Are you impugning my scientific credentials?
A: Well… yes.
Q: That’s highly offensive to me as a scientist. Which I am.
A: OK, if you’re a scientist, what are the first four digits of pi?
Q: Um… well… is there a six?
A: Uh, no.
Q: Uh… how about an “H”?
A: An “H”?
Q: No! No! An “E”!
A: There aren’t any letters.
Q: Oh. Are you sure? Well, regardless, I’m pretty sure the guy on the Discovery Channel said “thermos.”
A: The… guy on the Discovery Channel.
Q: Just because I use a television channel as my source material…
A: You know what? Why don’t you just stay on Windows?
Q: Oh. Well, I would, but the guy at the Windows help desk told me to switch to the Mac.
A: Ah. Did he.
Q: He did.
A: Well, have you considered Linux? All the top scientists use Linux.
Q: Lin… ux? Hmm. Is it easy to install?