Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I was fortunate enough to be able to purchase an iPod shuffle just a couple of days after the Macworld Keynote. Initially it was working very well and I was really enjoying it, but lately I haven’t been as pleased with it.
A: What seems to be the trouble? Is the way it shuffles confusing? Is the Autofill feature? How to use it as a flash drive?
Q: Um, no. No. Actually, the problem is I lost it.
A: You lost it?
Q: Well, it’s so damn small that I…
A: No, no, no. You do not just lose the hottest selling device out there. That’s unacceptable.
Q: I didn’t mean to.
A: It doesn’t matter! There are people out there dying to get their hands on these things!
Q: Ah, so you think someone stole it.
A: No! Well, maybe, but don’t change the subject! You don’t know where it is! It could be in your smelly sock drawer!
Q: I’m… not at liberty to discuss the condition of my socks.
A: Ugh. You make me sick.
Q: Sheesh. You’re overreacting. Man, I’m sorry I called you. You know, I’m not even going to ask you to help me find my Mac Mini now.
A: Good because… WHAT?!
Q: I, um, may have lost that, too.
A: I’m… I’m just going to go lie down now.
Q: Um… Hey, do you want to do something later?
A: N-no. No. I would think that would be obvious.
Q: Oh, because of the… losing… stuff… Right. OK.

Q: I’m an avid Mac user and I like to take my Mac everywhere. I have an Airport network set up in my house and it allows me to enjoy my Mac in the kitchen, the bedroom or even on the porch. But I’m wondering which Mac is the best to take with me into the tub.
A: The bathtub?
Q: Yes.
A: Well, I would say one that’s not plugged in.
Q: Well, if you don’t mind me saying so, dur-hey. But isn’t there some sort of waterproof container for an iBook or PowerBook that allows it to be taken into the water?
A: Uh, you mean you want to buy an expensive laptop waterproofing system like the ones used by researchers who are forced to use their equipment in inclement conditions so you can take your Mac into the bathtub?
Q: It’s just… see, I’ve reached a stage in life where boats and duckies are no longer enough to keep me interested long enough for me to get really clean.
A: Right.
Q: Don’t get me wrong. Pushing them around in the water and making quacking noises or acting out naval battles is still really thrilling for about fifteen minutes, but my servants can’t even get to my naughty bits in that amount of time.
A: Look, Avie…

Q: I’m a scientist who currently uses Windows but is considering the Mac because of the dual-processor G5s. My main complaint about Macs, though, is the lack of scientific software applications.
A: There are many scientific software applications for the Mac, such as Elements or SunGraph or Freefall. What do yo need?
Q: I have a need for software that allows me to model the energy output of the sun. The sun, as you may or may not know, is a giant nuclear thermos.
A: Um… thermos? Don’t you mean furnace?
Q: Are you impugning my scientific credentials?
A: Well… yes.
Q: That’s highly offensive to me as a scientist. Which I am.
A: OK, if you’re a scientist, what are the first four digits of pi?
Q: Um… well… is there a six?
A: Uh, no.
Q: Uh… how about an “H”?
A: An “H”?
Q: No! No! An “E”!
A: There aren’t any letters.
Q: Oh. Are you sure? Well, regardless, I’m pretty sure the guy on the Discovery Channel said “thermos.”
A: The… guy on the Discovery Channel.
Q: Just because I use a television channel as my source material…
A: You know what? Why don’t you just stay on Windows?
Q: Oh. Well, I would, but the guy at the Windows help desk told me to switch to the Mac.
A: Ah. Did he.
Q: He did.
A: Well, have you considered Linux? All the top scientists use Linux.
Q: Lin… ux? Hmm. Is it easy to install?

42 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Um, actually, Streetrabbit, I meant getting first post. The story’s OK. If you like that kind of thing. Some of the kids nowadays seem to like it. Along with the rock music and the violent driving games.

  2. Hey Moltz, if I give you my iChat address will you inform me of when you are going to post the next article? That way I can always get first post. Or hey, maybe you can just post in my name as first post, but only when it really is the first post.

  3. Ok, Verse 3

    her mummy cried Gloria No!

    her daddy said Gloria Whoa!

    they wanted her back

    and out of the sack

    and none of her body to show



    Mmmmmmmm pi

    as a current story comment.

  4. I can relate to this article. I lost the first TWO flash USB drives I purchased within a day of buying them. I swear the damn things must have wiggled out of my pocket and slide across the floor, jumped out a window and escaped. I think there must be some place where “lost” flash devices go. Either some pocket dimension or a “Liberty Village” some where is Eatern Europe, (yes that is an Alias reference.)

  5. Not just *any* nuclear thermos, but a *gigantic* nuclear thermos where hydrogen is built into helium at a temperature of millions of degrees.

  6. Boom hey….. steve says boom a lot. I wonder if he’ll ever say, “now i click this and Boom, Big Boom”

  7. I had a feeling I lost something.

    Then I saw Steve Jobs at the keynote and he showed me the iPod shuffle and then a knew what it was.

    Now he’s sending it to my house.

    He demanded € 99,- for finding it, though.

  8. Streetrabbit, don’t hurt his feelings. He is what we normal people call “special.” It isn’t nice to bicker with their kind. We must make them feel loved.

  9. Do you realize that National Pie Day was LAST WEEKEND? D’oh! How could I have missed it?

    (BTW, my pie doesn’t have any letters in it, either.)


  10. You go ahead and eat your pi, but that means you are going to fail your engineering classes. You won’t have it to use now. I think I will stick with the usual, chocolate pudding pie.

  11. It all just depends on which one you read first greenacres. He is completely right about his first and eleventh posts. It just depends.

  12. Well, it was his first post.

    Sorry about being so late but I save fridays till I get to work on Monday. 🙂

    Mmmm eta beta pi

  13. terry pratchet rules!!!

    I usually start by reading the latest post…

    a cheasy line about us all being winners springs to mind for some reasion. But that would be cheasy and chease deffinetly isn’t my style.

    mmmmm Chease …

  14. I..I…take it all BACK! I was crabby and it was late…My apologies MacStansbury. Psyko is right. If my work yesterday had only gone a little smoother…up till 3 is not my idea of fun. And for all of you stuck working on IBM Stinkpads from work, have you ever tried to get work done while the damn thing is making a backup of your hard drive? You can’t kill the process. The only solution is to kill the Epic connection, log back in and get 5 minutes of speed before it kicks in again. Maddening, I tell ya. And this backup I didn’t even schedule! Having a fraction of the download speed for upload just doesn’t cut it sometimes. Even when you’re on cable.

  15. Don’y worry greenacres, we forgive you. I know I do at least. I understand what you had to go though and am here to say that is is okay. You are back on CARS where you can belong and be happy. Just breath.

  16. It’s just not fair. I’m about to leave work and drive home and by the time I get there you’ll all be whooping about frosty piss or whatever.

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