07 Feb 05Please Welcome Apple's All-New Confusing Lineup Of Products.


The introduction of the Mac Mini and the iPod shuffle was resoundingly hailed by pundits from both the Mac and PC side. However, concern by some that these new devices signal not just an attempt to grab the low end of the market, but a return to a highly confusing product lineup that existed in the mid-1990s, was apparently warranted.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple is set to introduce a dizzying array of products in the coming months that will completely obliterate the simplicity of the company’s product matrix.

According to reliable sources, Apple is currently working on:

  • The Pro Mac – It’s not a G5, it’s a Mac for Mac pros only. This Mac is not for you. It’s for pros. Are you a pro? I don’t think so, Gordy.
  • The iPod Pro – What did I say, Gordy? What. Did. I. Say?
  • The Consumo-Mac – These Mac Minis are freshness dated. Once they expire, simply toss them in the garbage and return to your area Apple Store to purchase a new one. No, no, don’t ask questions. Just shut up and do it. Monkey. Stupid dancing monkey.
  • The One-Song iPod – Let’s face it, you spend most of your day scanning the FM bands for that one song you really like this week. Well, it’s on this iPod, and it’s playing all the time! The One-Song iPod will be available as a purchase option on all iTunes Music Store songs, but is particularly recommended for one-hit wonders.
  • The Mac Mac Macky Mac Mac – Like the 10th Anniversary Mac, this Mac is everything the true Mac lover wants. Which apparently is something underpowered and overpriced. Signed by Andy Hertzfeld and Steve Wozniak, the Mac Mac Macky Mac Mac is a Mac mini in a Mac SE shell with a retro-appeal 1-bit CRT. It’s utterly unsuited for actual computing… but it’s the Mac Mac Macky Mac Mac! You gotta get one of these! Oh, and take pictures of you unpacking it and post them on your blog, dude, because that’d be so boss! It’s the perfect complement for that Mac IIvi and the G4 Cube you bought!
  • The Deep friMac – Cashing in on the deep-frying trend sweeping the nation, this iMac G5 has been beer-battered and deep fried for the discerning watcher of the Food Channel who thinks anything is haute cuisine as long as some woman with a Southern accent tells him how many sticks of butter to add. Like all deep-fried white meat, it comes with your choice of a side of deep-fried chips (in this case, RAM chips) or cole slaw. Um… RAM cole slaw. Mmmm.
  • The U2 Mac – following up on the success of the U2 iPod, Apple is slated to announce a new Mac in black and red. As the U2 Mac only boots into System 7.6.1, rumor has it these are Mac TVs that turned up in a warehouse somewhere that someone has spray-painted some red onto. But they’re signed by Bono, so, whatever.
  • The iPod Carl – iPods pre-engraved “For Carl.” For that special Carl in your life. Isn’t it time you started thinking less about you, and more about Carl? Hmm?
  • Flavored Mac Minis – Yes, it’s the triumphant return of the Mac feature that made rumor reporting easy: different colors! Pull out that dusty USB hub with the five plastic covers (two of which have since gone missing)! Turn off the TV and send the kids to your sister’s, because Tangerine is back, baby!
  • The iPod ribbed – For her pleasure.

Apple declined to comment, stating the company does not comment on unannounced products, but many noted that the front page of Apple’s online store was bleeding.

55 Responses to “Please Welcome Apple's All-New Confusing Lineup Of Products.”

  1. Streetrabbit says:

    “You talkin’ to me?”

    “I’ll have my bond; speak not against my bond.”

    “You talkin’ to me?”

    “I am not bound to please thee with my answer.”

    “Then who the hell else are you talkin’ to?”

    “What! wouldst thou have a serpent sting thee twice? “

  2. Brother Mugga says:

    Hah!

  3. Anonymous says:

    68040

  4. Switcher says:

    68060

  5. A.A. says:

    What’s next?

    I would sugest:

    iPod-the Carl one would be of limited appeal to those, who aren’t called Carl, then the iPod Biil, Joe, Sue, John.

    REmac an disposable eMac, or a eMac that can only be controlled using 10.4’s VoiceOver feature.

    iPod Spongebob (white or a deep blue with orange back, for those who are fans of Spongebob Squarepants)

    iPod Alien Special edition (green with a gg.low in the dark clickwheel, suits Star Wars/Star Trek/Invader Zim fans).

    The Beatles iPod special edition (no, wait-Apple Corps and Apple wouldn’t release such a thing due to legal issues)

    iPod X-a iPod which runs faster than the speed of sound

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