Please Welcome Apple's All-New Confusing Lineup Of Products.


The introduction of the Mac Mini and the iPod shuffle was resoundingly hailed by pundits from both the Mac and PC side. However, concern by some that these new devices signal not just an attempt to grab the low end of the market, but a return to a highly confusing product lineup that existed in the mid-1990s, was apparently warranted.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple is set to introduce a dizzying array of products in the coming months that will completely obliterate the simplicity of the company’s product matrix.

According to reliable sources, Apple is currently working on:

  • The Pro Mac – It’s not a G5, it’s a Mac for Mac pros only. This Mac is not for you. It’s for pros. Are you a pro? I don’t think so, Gordy.
  • The iPod Pro – What did I say, Gordy? What. Did. I. Say?
  • The Consumo-Mac – These Mac Minis are freshness dated. Once they expire, simply toss them in the garbage and return to your area Apple Store to purchase a new one. No, no, don’t ask questions. Just shut up and do it. Monkey. Stupid dancing monkey.
  • The One-Song iPod – Let’s face it, you spend most of your day scanning the FM bands for that one song you really like this week. Well, it’s on this iPod, and it’s playing all the time! The One-Song iPod will be available as a purchase option on all iTunes Music Store songs, but is particularly recommended for one-hit wonders.
  • The Mac Mac Macky Mac Mac – Like the 10th Anniversary Mac, this Mac is everything the true Mac lover wants. Which apparently is something underpowered and overpriced. Signed by Andy Hertzfeld and Steve Wozniak, the Mac Mac Macky Mac Mac is a Mac mini in a Mac SE shell with a retro-appeal 1-bit CRT. It’s utterly unsuited for actual computing… but it’s the Mac Mac Macky Mac Mac! You gotta get one of these! Oh, and take pictures of you unpacking it and post them on your blog, dude, because that’d be so boss! It’s the perfect complement for that Mac IIvi and the G4 Cube you bought!
  • The Deep friMac – Cashing in on the deep-frying trend sweeping the nation, this iMac G5 has been beer-battered and deep fried for the discerning watcher of the Food Channel who thinks anything is haute cuisine as long as some woman with a Southern accent tells him how many sticks of butter to add. Like all deep-fried white meat, it comes with your choice of a side of deep-fried chips (in this case, RAM chips) or cole slaw. Um… RAM cole slaw. Mmmm.
  • The U2 Mac – following up on the success of the U2 iPod, Apple is slated to announce a new Mac in black and red. As the U2 Mac only boots into System 7.6.1, rumor has it these are Mac TVs that turned up in a warehouse somewhere that someone has spray-painted some red onto. But they’re signed by Bono, so, whatever.
  • The iPod Carl – iPods pre-engraved “For Carl.” For that special Carl in your life. Isn’t it time you started thinking less about you, and more about Carl? Hmm?
  • Flavored Mac Minis – Yes, it’s the triumphant return of the Mac feature that made rumor reporting easy: different colors! Pull out that dusty USB hub with the five plastic covers (two of which have since gone missing)! Turn off the TV and send the kids to your sister’s, because Tangerine is back, baby!
  • The iPod ribbed – For her pleasure.

Apple declined to comment, stating the company does not comment on unannounced products, but many noted that the front page of Apple’s online store was bleeding.

55 thoughts on “Please Welcome Apple's All-New Confusing Lineup Of Products.”

  1. Oooh and Moltzy takes the 11th from under Huck’s nose. That’s gotta hurt. Almost as much as Huck’s iPod ribbed clearly does….

  2. I’d just like to say that there is an appalling lack of decorum in the comments here lately. why, there are posts talking about the story well before even the 10th post. as we all know, it’s unseemly to talk about the story till well after the gloating of the 11th post is well over. I’m writing a letter to the editor!

    oh, and Huck, you’re either cleaning that up, or buying us a new couch. I’m serious.

  3. It’s “complement,” not “compliment.”

    Unless you really meant “compliment.”

    Which I doubt.

    Although, knowing you….

  4. I ribbed my ex for *my* pleasure.

    Mercilessly.

    Note, though, the use of the term ‘ex’.

    Now where can I get me one of those Pro Macs…?

    PS: Actually, that first line sounds a lot smuttier than I intended. Which is nice.

  5. MOOOOLT-wait, pete? What the heck are you yelling for? He took my 11th post! Granted, I was… distracted, so I completely forgot about it, but you’d think the impatient bastards could wait a few posts…

    Next time, NEXT TIME!

    !!!!!!

  6. Moltz, what are you doing? Don’t hail Matthew, you are supposed to hail me, Psyko. ALL HAIL PSYKO!!! ALL STONE MATTHEW!!!

    As for the Quadra, that is a stupid question. They have four “ra” thingies duh.

  7. Wait–How many sticks of butter do I add to my Flavored Mac Mini? Ah, crap.

    I guess Carl will know. From what I understand, he’s freshness-dated, too.

  8. And what about this Bill Palmer? Can anyone get close enough to turn it off? How can something like that keep going without collapsing under its own weight? And how many questions can you ask in one post?

  9. CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL!

    CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL!

    CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL!

    CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL!

    CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL!

    CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL!

    CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL! CARL!

  10. I thought that I had something to add to this, but…no, I got nothing.

    Still nothing.

    Just like to see my name in print again somewhere. Anywhere.

  11. Sorry.

    It wakes it believed and when in well-informed to persona, was which

    it it follows after, apple works above the prisytstvyyushchim time,:

    By assertion there wakes occupation Mac-G5, by them the

    mackintosh of the mackintosh of the danger of rank. This mackintosh

    does not wake extensive svedeniyey danger. Assertion there wakes by

    danger. Occupation does extend outside it it does occur? 4 it as this,

    Gordy, it is which he does not think.

    IPod- ii1 occupation Gordy pogovorilo? . I something did say?

    ChonsumoChonsumo-.Makintosh – this MacMinis must flew newly and

    freshly- were entered i. when they this it they lose force as soon as,

    it wakes by breach and bros’te them inside the garbage and stocked up

    new thing in region apple your pliability of stack back, it will not

    ask query. Comfort, it is which it closes only if it. Monkey. Monkey

    of dance li 3 u.

    1 iPod song – the song of writing 1 it records to a maximum quantity

    of your day to this checking indivisible the unit of danger FM most

    evil together with your realness it your flaw of confrontation. In the

    best way, this wakes to this iPod, always there wakes iss,! the

    version of pokupky, specially but in the entire song of the stack of

    notes iTunes riskuyet 1 extensive iPod song of road 1 which

    recommended interesting it it strikes purpose it wakes actually.

    MacMacMackyMacMac, this mackintosh – y0tyu the mackintosh of the day

    of the celebration

    – the lover of the mackintosh of truth of one wants all. Was yasn and

    to descend the silence of thing thin overpricedunderpowered.

    AndyHertzfeld and SteveWozniak, it is which it signs, it the small

    mackintosh of size inside MacSE where in shell MacMacMackyMacMac retro

    it apelliruyet 1 crt bit. It the actual danger of calculation is

    finished and it nedostatochn… But this wakes MacMacMackyMacMac,! it

    poluchilo fact that it it is obtained by this one thing which it it

    extends outside! That it was as this it wakes by leader, also, because

    of the description below, it is produced your its and Ogay of Ohio and

    image captured and dandy arrange them, in your blog! You the cube of

    mountain G4 and that danger MacIIvi budete by addition finished,!

    Deep friMac – nation inside inward and sweepback jumping aside

    in the tendency with the available money toward the change, by this

    week IMPA of ul’s iMacG5 being clanked repeatedly, will apply also to

    crust one which that the form of woman is had a talk to it in a

    certain accent of knob southern of the responsibility of the

    designation of oil of the channel of food to which it he thinks haute

    cooking danger which it otrezhet chaff any thwi in the best way! 4 it.

    Completely deep-fried huyn the flag of nose joined together, it

    deep-fried fragment (to the case, oblomoku of ram) or was come to your

    selection of side coleslaw. Um… Coleslaw RAM. The mmmm.

    U2Mac- reported new mackintosh inside the red color so that it would

    be black with thu following-up and sul apple ley s occur roof in

    success U2?.iPod. U2Mac with the system 7.6.1 s booting rank, extended

    rumors these people theyl nMac pebble of tin of comfort, was which in

    ley rain cyen it it wakes by them inside the warehouse where it threw

    about it risuyet a certain red color. But this case, they are signs

    Bono as this.

    Knife iPod – iPods before the danger in vysekli knife, “.” The danger

    of writing knife it is special inside your living. You against you

    pytayetes’ not with hour when thought it he does begin a few takings,

    and was counted knife? Hmm?

    MacMinis- kladet outside taste it as that, easily it vozvrashchayushch

    of the victory of the characteristic of mackintosh of which it

    presents report against the rumors and: In different ways color! That

    (2 they emerge for the misalignment of axes from) handguard 5 thwu

    raised dust the characteristic plastic hubs usb! theyl ley rain cyen

    after it is assumed outside for that NOP of pomerayets, it is which

    necessarily it returned and baby they send to child, to your sisters!

    Fastened danger iPod – – to its rib of pleasure.

  12. Thank god that was just a translator, I got five lines in and I was sure that it was just some sort of rehash spam that would end with “Come to Bet-All-Your-Moneys-Away.com!”

    Also, we could seriously use a good stoning around here. I think Moltz volunteered to be the first stonee.

  13. Which I’m sure he’ll start off with a mixed drink of 150 proof liquor….in a VERY large glass….Ever see someone down a large glass of vodka and behave really strangely at his own bachelor party to the point where he chased someone into a tree and knocked himself out cold? Well, I haven’t….

  14. I took the stick of butter, and put it inside the ribbed iPod and had barbecue ribs. Of course, it must be playing Elvis songs when I eat that ribbed iPod.

    Her pleasure? She don’t need no steeking pleasure! She’s there to pleasure me! With a butter-filled ribbed iPods.

    As for Huck, that wasn’t a ribbed iPod you were using. That was a ribbed rhinocerous horn.

    The iPod is in the LEFT hand drawer. Right? Hold up your right hand, palm facing forward. You’re thumb now points LEFT!

  15. Not enough swearing for the Merchant of Venice.

    “Every time I think I’m out, they ++++ing pull me back in . . . the ++++ers.”

    Note the use of ‘+’ signs instead of ‘*’; that’s how they did it back in Fhakefpearf day.

    True story.

  16. Wait, when I hold up my right hand, palm facing forward, my thumb points to the right! I thought all right hands were made that way.

    OMG, does this mean I’m left-handed?!

  17. Oh yeah . . . or am I thinking of the time Shylock had that face-to-face stand-off with Travis Bickle? In L.A.

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