22 Feb 05Pundits Agree: New iPod Minis Doomed.

According to Think Secret, Apple will introduce new iPod mini colors tomorrow as well as an iPod mini with a color screen.

While lazy rumor sites looking forward to years of reporting different colors as “news” hailed the impending announcement (see our accompanying story “CARS Hails New iPod minis!”), a host of Mac pundits has lined up to announce the doom of the new iPod minis, much as what happened when the diminutive device was first announced.

“Color is highly overrated in general and Apple is making a mistake chasing the color bandwagon,” said Shawn King of Your Mac Life. “Take movies for example. All of the best movies are in black and white. Casablanca, On The Waterfront, It’s A Wonderful Life, Raging Bull… um… Manhattan was OK… uh… Was Memento in black and white? No? Oh. Doesn’t it seem like it was in black and white? Huh. That was a good movie, though.

“Anyway, I know the iPod mini is not a movie so the analogy is not perfect. But if it played movies, that’d be cool.

“Especially if they were in color.

“Um… what was the point I was trying to make?”

Other Mac pundits questioned the very physics of Apple’s impending announcement.

“What is a ‘red’ iPod mini?” asked a clearly stoned David Pogue of the New York Times. “Is it red? Ha! No, it’s anti-red! Ha-ha! See, something that we call ‘red’ actually absorbs all colors except red. It bounces red back so it hits your eye! It’s not red, it’s anti-red! Isn’t that freaky?”

Pogue then held his arm up and waved it back and forth in front of his face for several minutes before asking “Are you going to finish that sandwich? I’m like so hungry.”

Apple declined to comment on tomorrow’s expected announcement, but did turn to Pogue and say “Dude, you are so wasted!”

37 Responses to “Pundits Agree: New iPod Minis Doomed.”

  1. Kremit says:


  2. Dan says:

    It has been established that one must claim first to qualify for first post. So….

    First post!

    I was fired today. This makes the day allmost not suck.

  3. K.S. says:


  4. dcmacnut says:

    Drat. Fifth!

  5. Kremit says:

    So then crazy college students finish French paper, post again and go to bed. 6th! Unless someone else gets it before I post….

  6. K.S. says:

    see our accompanying story “CARS Hails New iPod minis!” ummmm

  7. K.S. says:

    oh, they’re kidding, or something

  8. Psyko says:

    I eat glue.

  9. Tristrami says:

    I love David Pogue! It’s great that the guy works for the freakin’ New York Times. How does he get away with it? From his blog/videos it appears that he just plays around with gadgets ALL DAY. What a life…

  10. Tristrami says:

    Oh, and eleventeenth or something similar

  11. MacStansbury says:

    well, as is the tradition after the 11th Post™, we can get back to talking about the actual story. and let me tell you, this one was funny!

    but mostly, let me tell you how disturbed I am when you use Yahoo! and search for AIM+Sexbots. I have no idea how that happened…

  12. Streetrabbit says:

    I’ve heard there’ll be an anti-radar painted model and a special invisible version for Predators.

  13. Psyko says:

    Yeah, I wonder how that happened MacStansbury.

    *rolls eyes*

    Big surprise there.

  14. 2000guitars says:

    new story headline…

    Posters Agree: New Cars Story Doomed

    …not much comment life is expected for this story, alert reader Hogart Blundendurfer was heard to comment, as he proceeded to post another comment…

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    January 27th – Layering Results in Perpetual Speed Machine.

    “Lawson digressed for five minutes while he watched the trail of his hand as he waved it back and forth in front of his face before continuing.”

    I know that this was just a test to find the most learned CARS student, not in anyway self plagiarism (which sounds quite naughty or am I thinking of flagellate..ism).

    Do I get a prize? What’s my prize?

  16. Psyko says:

    No prizes.

  17. Hogarth Blundendurfer says:

    That’s “Hogarth.” And I would never say such a thing.

    Are you gonna finish that donut?

  18. Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:






  19. John C. Randolph says:

    I’d like to thank my colleagues in the Doomed iPod Divsion, as well as those in the Doomed iTunes Music Store, and all the other people at Doomed Apple Computer, for all of their Doomed Hard Work in developing and shipping the new iPod Mini (Doomed edition).

    Special thanks to Id Software, for lending the use of the word “Doom”.

    -jcr (Doomed, and Loving it!)

  20. Alternate Universe Schiller says:

    Strangely enough in the alternate universe, whenever we bring out a new iPod, all the pundits proclaim that Jim Alchin is doomed. Go figure..

    A. U. Phil

  21. I can't open my jaw says:

    You really should try epoxy, Psyko. It’s quite tasty.

  22. John Carmack says:

    Okay, I’m getting sick of all these people using my trademarked name Doom™ in their claims of the demise of this or that product.

    I’ve made a butt-load of money with Doom™, and am making a buttload-and-a-half with Doom III™ so how is this supposed to be bad?

    Apple ought to thank me that people say the iPod is Doomed!™

    Just being Doomed™ means you’re going to be a smashing (or is that gibbing™) success? Not like your Doomed™ or anything. Oh, crap, now they have me saying Doomed™ in a bad way.

    So, pundits, use the English language correctly and stop giving faux praise with my word – Doom!!!™

  23. greenacres says:

    Hey! Nobody was nice to poor Dan, fired yesterday. Probably from reading this website, but, I understand the attraction…Excuse me, what was that? FIRED! ME! No $#@%$%^$% way, you need me! I’m the glue that held your sorry a** in a job! Well, then, MR. MANAGER, you’ll need to take away my network connection before I le

  24. greenacres says:

    Hey, how did I post that if the connection was gone?! Hmmmmmmmmm……….

  25. Forgetful Hunter says:

    I special ordered a camo iPod, but I’ve since lost it.

  26. I have nothing to comment on. I’m merely extending the name change gag in hopes of having a better idea by Friday.

  27. This Poster says:

    hey greenacres, self referential posts are not allowed, with the exception of this one you’re reading right….now.

  28. Psyko says:

    Uhh, what about the one that I read right…now and, uh,…now and about 20 seconds ago that was about you and by you, This Poster?

    As for the epoxy idea, I don’t think so. You are just trying to kill me aren’t you? Tell me, how did you know I had tried epoxy before and the allergic reaction almost killed me? HOW? WHY?


  29. Huck says:

    Damn, that sucks, Dan. I’ve been fired for not being sufficiently “professional”. Which pisses me off, because being professional is more or less pretending that a business isn’t just a group of people working together. Argh.

    However, your case is even worse: a blog trying to be professional?! WTF? Yes, let’s ruin blogs forever by starting a *professional* fad so that no one writes like humans anymore. Hooray, I can’t wait.

  30. Brother Mugga says:

    I’ve ordered a special camEo iPod.

    It’s very red.

    And oddly shaped.

    I don’t think there’s much chance of me losing *that* baby.

    Although the same cannot be said for my self-respect.

    PS: Streetrabbit – it only proves that Pogue and Lawson get their ‘shit’ from the same source.

  31. Streetrabbit says:

    Yes. Or maybe that there’s a lot of hand waving going on at CARS Manor.

  32. Brother Mugga says:

    That was my alternative suggestion.

    Indeed, one wonders whether Moltz’s posts are, to a considerable degree, the result of overindulgent ‘waving of hands’.

  33. James T. Kirk says:

    Self-referential statements, if they cause a computer to throw sparks and cease functioning, are covered by my patent: “Method of Causing Malevolent Automata to Shit a Brick”, US Pat #fifty billion, issued simultaneously in 1967 AD on the old Earth calendar and stardate 36-24-38 (hubba hubba) which I filed during one of those tedious time-travel episodes.

  34. Queen Victoria says:

    Dude, I am so high-waisted.

    Are you gonna finish those kippers?

  35. Psyko says:

    Uhhh. No.

  36. M says:

    Well, Memento was partly in sepia. That probably accounts for the impression it was in black and white.