04 Mar 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

As Tuesday’s effort to get everyone to SIGN THE ONLINE PETITION was such a rousing success, let’s spend some more time on how Apple has wronged you!


Q: I have a problem with Apple that I’ve been unable to get resolved after months of phone calls to tech support.
A: Oh, wait, let me guess. Is Avie Tevanian banging your wife?
Q: Um, no. I’m not sure why I’d call tech support about that…
A: OK. OK. Um… let’s see. Peter Oppenheimer met you in mortal combat and beat you but to your eternal shame and the degradation of the code of your order he allowed you to continue living!
Q: That’s not it either.
A: Wait, wait, wait. I’m sure I can get it.
Q: Mmm. OK. I’ll give you another try.
A: OK. OK. OK. Um…
Q: I think you might be thinking about it too hard. Think more like PowerBook display problem than an executive involved in my personal life.
A: No. No, wait. Wait. Here we go: Stan Ng lives down the street from you and he wakes up early every day and steals your newspaper and knocks over your garbage can!
Q: N-nno.
A: And he’s banging your wife!
Q: No. No, look, I think you may have been in this rumor business a little long. You’re obsessed with these Apple executives.
A: What?! Pff! That’s crazy! That’s crazy talk! You’re crazy! I won’t listen to another word of this craziness!
Q: OK. Oh, say, what’s Phil Schiller’s hat size?
A: 7 and a half!
Q: Mmm-hmm.
A: What? Oh, c’mon, everyone knows that!


Q: I want to complain about the neck on my iMac G4. See, ever since I got it, it hasn’t held up the monitor as well as…
A: No. No, no, no. You’re going to have to do better than that.
Q: What? What do you mean? I have a legitimate complaint about an Apple product that…
A: Yeah, you know, you’re talking but all I hear is “blah, blah, blah.”
Q: OK. OK. I can play this game. Um… how about this: I went out the other night and when I came back my fish were all missing and my iMac was wet.
A: What? No. No. I don’t even get that.
Q: Well… my iMac ate the fish.
A: That’s just stupid.
Q: Stupider than Avie Tevanian banging my wife?
A: Well, I think that’s between Avie and your wife. I don’t know what she looks like…
Q: Hey!
A: Let’s just stay on task here. You owe me one juicy way in which Apple has wronged you.
Q: OK. OK. Um… Does it have to involve an executive?
A: Not necessarily. It could involve lesbian ninjas.
Q: I see.
A: I have a quota.
Q: I understand. OK. Hmm…
A: Just whatever comes to the top of your head.
Q: Uh… let’s see…
A: Just let it flow! First thing! C’mon!
Q: Uhhhhhhhhh, killer Apple cyborgs are holding my poodle hostage and won’t let him go until I buy an AppleCare protection plan for my iMac!
A: Good! Good! Excellent use of cyborgs! And a poodle held hostage is always good!
Q: Ha! Phew! OK! Now, can we talk about the neck of my iMac?
A: Nnno.
Q: Oh, c’mon!


Q: Hi, yes, I was wrongfully dismissed by Apple and I’m suing the company to get restitution.
A: Mmm. Well, that’s great and all, but I’m not feeling it, if you know what I mean.
Q: I… don’t.
A: Well, OK, so you’ve got motivation. I’m hearing that. But what I’m not hearing is sizzle.
Q: Sizzle? This is a human resources-related lawsuit.
A: I know, but bring it on home for me. Throw in the free tie!
Q: Free tie?
A: What makes me care?! Why do I want to follow your human resources saga?!
Q: Um… I was escorted out of the building by Apple sexbots?
A: BOO-YAH!

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Bellidancer says:

    First?

  2. tastefully unnamed says:

    Second. Everyone else must have gone home.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Two!

  4. UhhhDude says:

    Crap. Not two. And different browser, at that.

  5. Bellidancer says:

    I’m afraid CARS Help Desk is losing it. I don’t think he’s recovered from the Galactic Battles, the stress of the last several months of deadlines and high expectations, and the lousy winter weather. Maybe drugs would help.

  6. Me says:

    Or sexbots, that would definitely help.

  7. Spike says:

    Seventh!

  8. Jon says:

    Well, eighth, then.

  9. Spike says:

    I once bought an LC II. Can it get much more wrong than that?

    Admittedly this doesn’t involve any Apple executives, but…I just don’t get into guys who only wear a size 7 1/2 hat.

  10. Jon says:

    And that would be “could involve” and not “could involved.”

  11. K.S. says:

    eleven

  12. Psyko says:

    Why sue Apple? Without Apple we would all be using sticks to write in the dirt. Without Apple we would be drawing pictures in the dirt rather than characters. Without Apple we would be digging holes in the dirt to hide from the DOS retards. Without Apple life would just suck.

    I suggest you sue Microsoft for every bit of its worth, sue (Kill) Bill Gates for every penny he is worth and sue Dell for the he11 of it. Do it, now. They are the competition that is making Apple cut costs, plus they just suck and are bad influences. Sue them all and run them into the ground. Go……NOW!!!

  13. markeddy says:

    I used to know a Sue Dell.

  14. markeddy says:

    She was a good wife before Avie came along.

  15. Aaron says:

    Somehow I think we’re overdue for some Painfully Serious Dell Rumors.

  16. UhhhDude says:

    OK Moltz, here’s a good one. I heard that Avie “silent farts” in the elevator.

    Even when he’s the only one in it.

    Plus, Schiller’s never been quite right since he found out that the delicious meal of broiled cabrito in chipotle sauce that was sent to his office was actually taken from the Red-Eyed Evil Goat, who was sacrificed at midnite by Steve, with the Invisible Evil Boy’s Choir providing the night’s entertainment.

    Other than that, I got nothin’.

  17. Huh? says:

    aaaand cue the Invisible Evil Boy’s Choir….

    (moo.)

  18. Huck says:

    INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR! INVISIBLE EVIL BOY’S CHOIR!

  19. Aimon says:

    I always wondered, we know Phil Schiller is a fan of CARS, but does he ever grace us with his presence in the comments?

    And if so, what nick does he take?

    And 18th-odd post too!!! yay!

  20. madogdidit says:

    Maybe it’s me. Or maybe not.

  21. greenacres says:

    DAMN, I went to bed 10 minutes too early. So close to first post, but was sooo tired. One of the dogs got sprayed by a skunk, smelled like Avie’s silent farts, only worse. Fortunately, there is a cure, hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and soft soap. Leave on Av…I mean the dog, for 10 minutes. Rinse. Hard to do on the elevator. Try a shower. Er, but maybe not with Avie. Danika on the other hand…or Nancy…or that new chick from HP….

  22. Psyko says:

    Hey, did any of you people hear about the latest rumor? The one about how Apple and IBM are finally going to

  23. Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK!

    HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK!

    HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK!

    HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK!

    HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK! HUCK!

    PTUI!

    Bloody hairballs!

  24. Brother Mugga says:

    Funny; I’m away for a few days, working and yet – lured by the siren-song keywords of “lesbian” and “sexbots” – here I suddenly am again!

    *That’s* the way to raise your website hit quotient.

  25. Huh? says:

    I never would have guessed the Invisible Evil Boys’ Choir™ had a sense of humor….

  26. The Invisible Evil Boys' Agent says:

    Of course the boys have a sense of humor! They’re rolling on the floor laughing at Microsoft’s Longhorn schedule as we speak.

  27. They Might Be Steve says:

    You know, you can persuade someone to eat most anything when you slather it in chipotle sauce.

    MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, right.

    Plus, Avie can’t help himself. He is one with the skunk.

  28. Psyko says:

    Hey, I wouldn’t mind being an employee working on Longhorn right now. I mean really, how hard can their job be right now? All they are busy doing is waiting for Apple to ship Tiger so they can steal the latest and greatest code on the market. So basically they are getting paid to sit around all day and wait. Then when Tiger does ship their job isn’t going to get much worse. Judging by how many poor imitations of others work they have on the market I would assume that they have some kind of matrix they just put the good code into and wait (again) for the crappy Microsoft edition to come out. Dang, I’m starting to see why Microsoft has so many employees. It isn’t because they need then, it is just because so many people pressure themselves into the companies ranks. And I’m so close by…Sorry, impure thought, it will never happen again.

  29. Steve Jobs says:

    Psyko,

    It’s OK if you want to work for Microsoft. You can still have a Mac at home, and you can still watch the keynotes on the web.

    In fact, given Longhorn’s history to date, I’m all for Microsoft having as many employees as they can.

  30. soosy says:

    This was the best CARS post I have read in a while, great job. I especially appreciated that you brought back the “Avie Tevanian banging your wife” line from a few days ago.

    And, dare I say, after looking over the other “comments”, I have to say you comment people are sorta… weird.

  31. Iamalwaysfirst says:

    FIRST!…. I think there for I am.

  32. UhhhDude says:

    “I think there, for I am.”

    As opposed to here? And “For I am…” What? Hungry? Phil Schiller?

    Dude, I bow before your existential powers.

    Were you gonna finish the rest of that cabrito?

  33. Psyko says:

    Uhhh, UhhhDude, don’t be mean to the little ones.

  34. UhhhDude says:

    No harm intended. That last statement was kinda deep, when you think about it.

    Plus, it didn’t look like he was gonna finish his cabrito. Can’t let good food go to waste.

    (stomach growls)

  35. Psyko says:

    Quite true, my bad.