08 Mar 05Apple To Open "Apple Baby" Stores.

Building on the success of its retail stores, Apple will announce the opening of a series of “Apple Baby” stores that will occupy space adjacent to its existing Apple Stores. Specifically designed for children five and under, Apple Baby will feature the same products as the regular Apple Store, but target marketed specifically for babies.

While the company’s products seem ill-suited for those five and under, Apple’s marketing division has been working creatively to cast them in a new light.

According to new Apple literature, the PowerBook G4, for instance, is for ages “6 months and up”, as it has rounded edges that are safe for baby. Further, PowerBook may be placed in the freezer and then given to teething babies who crave cold items to chew on and sooth their sore gums.

This will, of course, destroy the PowerBook and void your warranty, Apple notes, but it will make your baby happy.

“And don’t you love your baby?” asked Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson. “Well? Don’t you?

Apple apparently also hopes to heavily push the guilt angle on technology-savvy parents hoping to endear themselves to their children in a vain attempt to correct the mistakes their own parents made.

“100 Mac minis makes a great set of blocks and will certainly take away the pain of all those times your father missed your little league games,” Johnson noted, standing in front of a display of Mac minis stacked to look like a fire truck.

“Provided, of course, you love your baby enough. Some people may not love their baby enough. And that’s fine. For people who don’t love their baby. If you want to be that kind of person. A baby-hater, if you will.”

Apple’s repositioning of products for Apple Baby does not stop with the PowerBook and Mac mini. From calling the iPod shuffle on a lanyard “the perfect pacifier” to claiming the 30-inch Cinema Display “makes a great changing table”, the company’s entire lineup is somehow now kid-friendly.

Oddly the only product not featured at Apple Baby will be the iPod socks. No explanation was given.

No Responses to “Apple To Open "Apple Baby" Stores.”

  1. Psyko says:

    Moron, you are in there 1,527 times already. Granted, 1,249 of those times are honorable mention, but thats okay.

    Bellidancer, I know you kid, so I kid back. 😀

  2. Streetrabbit says:

    Bellidancer, the following is an extract from Psyko’s “Big Book of Handy Hints”

    Chapter 3 CARS Commenting.

    The frequent CARS poster a.k.a. commenter must learn to take full advantage of the features of the comment box. One such feature is the Remember info? checkbox. When checked, this will remember your Name, Email Address and URL for future posts. This is an invaluable resource for those of us who tend to forget our names from time to time.

    On the other hand, for those of you who are tired of your meaningless, empty shell excuse for a life, the Forget Personal Information button is a literal life saver. It will allow you to leave your present existence like a moth from a cocoon and flap your wings into a new life filed with groovy friends who love you simply for who you are.

  3. Spell Czech says:

    That’s it! I quit!


    (If you need me, I’ll be over at ThinkSecret.)

  4. Bellidancer says:


    I am aware of the Remember Info box… and the Forget Personal Information button, too. In fact, I once took John Moltz to task for the button not working. On balance, I think in everyone’s life there are probably as many things we would like to forget as we would like to remember. One’s first kiss… remember, one’s first (through fifth-eighth) rejection… forget. I was overjoyed to see John include a Forget Personal Information button. Certain high school episodes shouldn’t darken your memories for your whole life, should they? Imagine my delight at the thought of finally putting that unpleasant and slightly bizarre humilation in 12th grade British Literature behind me forever! And then to find the button doesn’t work!!! No matter how many times I clicked and that damn button I could still remember the band teacher asking me not to take band any more. *sob* And that’s just high school.

    So yes Streetrabbit, I know all about the Remember info? box. But if CARS can’t help me forget, hell if I’m going to accept its help in remembering!

  5. Bellidancer says:


    Can I order a copy of your, “Psyko’s “Big Book of Handy Hints””?

    Oh, and put me down for a copy of the “Psyko’s “Big Book Of Morons.””?

    Spell Czech,

    please come back we need you.

  6. Psyko says:

    Good point Bellidancer. If the Forget button doesn’t work then the Remember button probably works a little too well to compensate.

  7. Psyko says:

    Sure you can order the one and put you down for the other, but as a friend I must warn you not to pay no matter what I say. I don’t know that I will ever get around to shipping them out, but don’t tell anybody that. So far I have made $238 off of the books.

  8. Bellidancer says:

    I hope the “Big Book of Morons” isn’t one of those vanity publications. You know like the Who is Who in High School books that list hundreds of honor role students and then sell the books to the parents. Thankfully my parents never had the opportunity to fall for that one on my behalf.

  9. Psyko says:

    Trust me on this one, this book goes in the complete opposite direction of vanity.

  10. ijit says:

    I have a very small book of extreemly moronic morons; I’m the only entry. You see I was the only person moronic enough to enter my name in it…

  11. Psyko says:

    Ijit, put Moron’s name in there too. He was moronic enough to ask to be put in.

  12. Ijit says:

    Morons name is going in … going, going … no … wait, this is going to get confusing; by definition any name in this book is synonymous with the word moron ….

    so it’ll look like I entered my name twice… and I know I’m not that stupid …

    … wait a second there are already two names in here, why are there are two names in here? …… oh, no … only one name … I already put mine in twice.

  13. Anonymous says:

    not quite

  14. First Post says:

    FIRST POST!!!!!!!!!

  15. Psyko says:


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