18 Mar 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I have an iBook G4 that I would like to connect to an external monitor. I know that…
A: Hold it! Hold it right there!
Q: Wh-what?
A: You people always call up and whine to me for hours about your Apple problems – ooh, my iBook don’t work no good! – and, frankly, I’m sick of it!
Q: Um… OK.
A: Yeah! Today’s my day! Today I get to talk about my Apple problems!
Q: Fair enough. I’m sure it’s quite frustrating to…
A: Hey! You’re talking again! Stop talking!
Q: Right. Sorry.
A: OK! That’s better.
Q: My bad. So what’s your Apple problem?
A: I… I love Apple too much!
Q: Hey, so do we all.
A: Shut up!
Q: Sorry!
A: No, see… I really love Apple too much.
Q: Ooooh… you mean…
A: Mmm-hmm. Squishy.
Q: Aaaaah. That is an Apple problem.
A: Yes. So.
Q: Uh… so.
A: Well?! What’s your advice?!
Q: Oh! Uh… ooh… well, um… you see… uh… well, have you tried expressing your love to Apple?
A: Well… I’ve bought a mess of their products. That’s like expressing love.
Q: No. I mean really expressing it.
A: Like… how?
Q: Physically.
A: Do you… I’m not… How would that even be done?
Q: I’m totally not sure but I’d really like to see you try. So much so that I’ve completely forgotten about my iBook problem.
A: Oh, thanks a lot. I’m glad my pain is amusing to you. No one understands me.
Q: You got that right, weirdo.


Q: I support a enterprise-wide Xsan…
A: Didn’t you read the question above?!
Q: But… our users…
A: Look, the last problem didn’t go so well so let’s just move on. I’m over it. I have plenty of other Apple problems to discuss.
Q: See, I actually support a hospital so…
A: Problems like Jon Rubinstein.
Q: … some of the information we provide is used in life or death situations…
A: I don’t like Jon Rubinstein.
Q: … and the system’s been down for a number of hours now…
A: I don’t know what it is about him… maybe it’s the glasses.
Q: … a little while ago there was a code blue down the hall and then silence. I don’t think that was good…
A: Thinks he’s so big… Mr. Big Shot… Mr. Cool… Mr. iPod Division… pff…
Q: Uh-oh. There goes the power.
A: Wait a minute. You know… now that I think about it… maybe it’s Ron Johnson I don’t like…
Q: …
A: Hello? Hello? Hmm. Guess he hung up. Probably some fricking Ron Johnson fan. Don’t get me started on those people.


Q: OK, I know the drill. You’ve got some Apple issues to work out so bring it. Let me hear it. I want your deepest, darkest, most hideous Apple problem. Lay it on me. I can take it.
A: OK, this one has been bothering me for years.
Q: Right. Here we go. Bring on the weirdness.
A: If Steve was just going to not replace the Newton with a new PDA, why the whole big charade about the new PDA running some form of the Mac OS? Why not just level with us and say the Newton was canceled – we suggest you look at the Palm?
Q: …
A: What?
Q: That’s it? That’s the worst one?
A: Oh. No. There’s a really bad one but I have to show it to you with puppets and I left them at home.
Q: Oh.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Psyko says:

    Probably is. I guess Jobs-err, Moltz is too cheap for the full spectrum support.

    MARK

  2. UhhhDude says:

    I posted as Spartacus once.

  3. evil-apple-czech-jobs-tweak says:

    Dag nab it!! If it hadn’t been for you pesky kids I woulda got away with it too!

  4. Psyko says:

    La-hu-za-her

    Stick with Apple Jobs, you are a genius there and we would like you to continue your productive reign.

    MARK

  5. Psyko says:

    Oh yeah, Moltz, we know you are Jobs now. You can put a picture of the real you in the Staff section of the site.

    MARK

  6. 2000guitars says:

    what is it moltzy, do you think we’re stupid?

    (don’t answer that)

  7. Bellidancer says:

    Never, never, never, never ask questions if you don’t want to hear the answers.

  8. Psyko says:

    Yes, don’t. Especially don’t ask why though.

    MARK

  9. Spartacus says:

    I posted as UhhDude once.

  10. Psyko says:

    I’ve posted as Psyko a few times. Just a few though.

    MARK

  11. Invisible Evil Boy*s'* Choir says:

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    GRAMMAR! GRAMMAR! GRAMMAR! GRAMMAR! GRAMMAR!

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