17 Mar 05Apple Halts Research Into Wireless Pudding.


In one of his first major acts as the new head of hardware engineering, Apple Vice President Peter Mehring has halted all research into the promising field of wireless pudding. Once hailed as a technology that would deliver creamy, cool satisfaction to users anywhere within range of a wireless connection, its bright future has been cut short.

A disappointed hardware developer lamented “[Mehring] didn’t share our vision and just completely axed the program. No chocolate, no vanilla, no butterscotch. He didn’t even let us lick the bowl. It’s completely unfair.”

While those on the project were left to turn to more pedestrian tasks such as developing wireless iPods and wireless power, Mehring defended the move.

“This wasn’t research,” Mehring said. “This was an excuse to eat pudding.”

According to Mehring, the Wireless Pudding Group produced no tangible results from its three years of research but consumed over 15,000 boxes of instant pudding.

“I like pudding as much as the next guy,” Mehring said. “But we’re decades away from a viable wireless pudding technology. This is the kind of research that’s best left to the world of academia.”

Those in the know indicate that while the members of the Wireless Pudding Group believed in the technology, they could not see the forest for the trees.

“I believe that it started as genuine research,” said columnist Andy Ihnatko, “But they lost sight of the goal and became slaves to the rich, smooth mistress that is today’s pudding product.

“My understanding is that these guys would come to meetings late with pudding smeared all over their faces and then fall asleep when they crashed from the sugar high.”

The group also did itself no favors when a major proof of concept demonstration last year consisted of one engineer throwing handfuls of chocolate pudding into the mouth of another engineer standing several feet away from him.

While this once-hyped technology appears to have suffered a severe setback, sources indicate that its cancellation may mean that more funding is available for the company’s research into fudge over IP.

No Responses to “Apple Halts Research Into Wireless Pudding.”

  1. Marc Andreessen says:

    It’s M-A-R-C, okay? I have enough trouble with the flunks at ibiblio.org getting my name wrong and now I have to put up with this?! You punks think getting bought out by AOL wasn’t bad enough?!

    Okay, Nurse tells me it’s time to go lay down now. +1 for the sexbots, though. With those, Netscape might just have lasted.

  2. Jeff Bezos says:

    I see my evil plan to put Amazon ads over the top of CARS articles so they can’t be read is falling into place!

    Bwahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!

    For real, CARS, there is an Amazon ad that won’t let me read this article. How can I have my morning laugh if Amazon is plastering an empty ad on top of the article?

  3. Walking Contradiction says:

    With all due respect Psyko Mark, if I meant “yummmmmmm” I would have said “yummmmmmmm”. I know what I said and I know what I meant by saying it. It’s like when you tell a customer to turn off his computer and they respond “you mean reboot it?”. No, if I meant reboot I would have said “reboot”, but I clearly did not say “reboot” I clearly said “shut down” instead.

    I know I’m confused, so why does everyone try to point out that I’m confused, particularly when I’m experiencing moments of not being confused?

    No, I said “mmmmmmmmm pudding” and I meant “mmmmmmmmm pudding”. You know, like Homer Simpson ….

    mmmmmmmmmm. Forbidden pudding.

    OK, that time I really meant donut instead of pudding ….

    Damn, now I’m all confused. Must be a Monday.

  4. STFU says:

    STFU.

    KRAM

  5. Anonymous says:

    IT IN YOUR PIE HOLE

  6. Walking Contradiction says:

    mmmmmmmm piehole …..

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