21 Mar 05League of Evil Pundits Works On Next Apple Hurdle.


With the announcement of the Mac mini at January’s Macworld San Francisco, the League of Evil Pundits was dealt a serious blow to its continuing efforts to hold back the progress of Apple.

In their secret lair hidden under a volcano on a remote tropic island, John C. Dvorak, Paul Thurrott, Richard Brooks, some guy from the Chicago Tribune with a prodigious scar vertically traversing a lidless left eye, a leather-clad woman smoking a cigarette from a long black holder and several others discussed their next move.

After years of proclaiming that Apple must release an affordable Mac, the League of Evil Pundits is currently at a loss as to where to turn next for an insurmountable hurdle to set for the company.

“I really didn’t think they could do it,” said the guy with the scar over his eye. “Their margins have to be somewhat higher to support their higher R&D costs per unit. A $500 Mac? It’s just insane.”

“Ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha!” cackled the woman smoking the cigarette.

“Um… don’t pay any attention to her,” the guy with the scar said. “She’s insane.”

Drinking the blood of a freshly killed kitten, Dvorak thundered “Steve Jobs will pay for the humiliation he has heaped upon me!” possibly referring to a modestly favorable article he wrote about the Mac mini.

“He shall pay most dearly! My next column with be doubly scathing! The game’s not over, Mr. Jobs! Nooooo! The game is just beginning! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

His laughter trailing off unconvincingly, Dvorak cried out to a flying monkey dressed in a tuxedo, “Bring me more kittens!”

Some in the League feel that it may be time to move on to more important issues and forget their obsession with bashing Apple.

“Personally, I’d like to start bashing Linux,” said a brain in cylinder mounted on a crab-like mechanical device. His suggestion elicited a chorus of groans from the other pundits.

“Oh, he’s been saying that ever since Linus Torvalds defeated his human body in mortal combat, forcing him to live as a disembodied brain,” Thurrott said, idly dismembering some bunnies.

Most members of the League are currently leaning toward demanding that Apple convert to Intel, while a small minority are for forcing the company to open up the iPod for licensing.

The woman smoking the cigarette favored making Steve Jobs eat his own liver. The other pundits where unsure which publication she wrote for.

No Responses to “League of Evil Pundits Works On Next Apple Hurdle.”

  1. David says:

    First Post

  2. Anonymous says:

    Second Post, and I read the article

  3. Ace Deuce says:

    Third, I think!

  4. Anonymous says:

    I wish they would bug Apple about getting some decent viruses for os X, I mean, were missing out on the hours of fun that the Windows users get to have every month, thoughoughly cleaning their computers of lovely viruses and spyware. It’s just not fair. I want some viruses too! and pie… mmmm….

  5. Psyko says:

    Symantec said that we need to start worrying about viruses, but I think that is because they sell anti-virus software…Go figure.

    I found an error Moltz (Might as well call you by your alias.)

    “Most member of the League.” There should probably be an “s” at the end of “member.”

    MARK

  6. MacMastery says:

    Eleventy-somethingth?

  7. Jon says:

    Sextus.

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    In Dvorak’s defense, kitten blood is quite nutritious. A good source of iron.

    And hey, we were saving those bunnies for Easter!

    (Umpteenth!)

  9. Psyko says:

    Easter is so close too. We almost made it this year. We should be proud. Just think of how long they lasted last year. I believe it was about four days after we got them that he had snatched them already.

    MARK

  10. ? says:

    perhaps next year you should guard them with sharks with frickin’ lasers on their heads.

  11. Guy who's irritated by the Amazon ad says:

    You know, that Amazon ad is really irritating, how part of it is stuck to the left side of the window and covers part of the comments. This is in Safari, when you view the archives version of the article (for example, http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/archives/000424.html).

    That’s just irritating, is all I’m saying.

  12. K.S. 2.12 says:

    the sacred number 12!

  13. UhhhDude says:

    The not-so-sacred Thirteenth!

    The whip-cracking gal is my kinda person (when she’s not showing up in every other “Sin City” graphic novel).

    Who knew she was a Windows user….

  14. Memo to Streetrabbit: Stay away from Paul Thurrott.

  15. Psyko says:

    Memo to K.S. 2.12: Twelve isn’t sacred. It is only somewhat special because you happened to be at version 2.12 at the time.

    Yes, the Amazon ad is annoying.

    Moltz changed his mistake. Yay.

    MARK

  16. Streetrabbit says:

    Can’t post. Must save bunnies.

    Off to Volcano Island on black hang glider.

  17. 2000guitars says:

    I only read CARS for the articles. Honest.

    And I like Hooters for their hot wings.

  18. Huck says:

    Awesome!

    Bring me some cute meats!

  19. appletweak says:

    We must fight the League of Evil Pundits (LEP). LEPr’s are everywhere, in every PC user!

    I say we band together to become the ARSEHOLES!! (Association of Rumor Site Experts Horny and Obsessed but Lacking Evil Sides).

    I know it’s a little contrived but I just want to be in a club. Really. Any club. Oh wait…off to the MP!

    (Side note: I wonder if those were Del’s kittens? I hope not!)

  20. dodecagenarian says:

    20 rocks.

  21. doesntknowgreek says:

    Apologies for the above post. Had I known my Greek, I would have correctly posted as icosagenarian (20’s), instead of ‘dodecagenarian’ which means a twelve-year old. Wait, maybe I was posting my maturity level…hmmm.

  22. Psyko says:

    applegeek, it is now obvious that you did not read all the posts in the MP. If you had you would know that Del’s kittens are masters of the ancient art of kitten-fu. There is nothing (and boy do I mean nothing) that can touch them.

    MARK

  23. The Invisible, Allergenic, Evil Boys' Choir says:

    KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS!

    KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS!

    KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS!

    KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS!

    KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENS!

  24. Alternate Universe Schiller says:

    I’m pretty sure that Steve wouldn’t eat his own liver, even here in the alternate universe, where he’s not all that strict a vegan.

  25. A Random Shrink says:

    I think it’s pretty clear that the major hurdle facing Apple is the Microsoft User’s Syndrome (closely related to the Battered Spouse Syndrome.) 90+ percent of the computer users in the world have become accustomed to computers that treat them very badly, and they lash out at the therapist who offers an alternative.

    And man, do they lash out.

    I told this one nutcase on my couch the other day, I sez: “So, you had another weekend scrubbing the viruses and zombieware off your XP machine, but you won’t get a Mac, because you like to be a Power User, eh, Mr. ‘I know more about computers than those Mac users'”? and he sez: “You Mac users are all gay!”, like that has anything to do with his problem!

    I’d rather have Mac users for patients, but their computers don’t drive them crazy. Oy, Veh ist Mir!

    -Siggy

  26. Streetrabbit says:

    Today I washed the last of evil from my home computers when I flattened XP with Fedora.

    And this is true…butterflies flew out from each and every orifice of the PC and it was reborn.

    Butterflies everywhere.

  27. Guy who's irritated by the Amazon ad says:

    Well, I was so focused on being irritated at the Amazon ad (which, as everyone knows, is very irritating) that I failed to notice that I scored post number 11.

    Go me!

    I’m still irritated, though.

  28. appletweak says:

    Psyko, I freely admitted that I did not read the entire MP. After about an hour of:

    ‘*scratches head*

    And WHO are YOU?

    *voice from nowhere*

    BATMAN!

    Aiieeeeee!

    heh!’

    I admit I buckled. I did recall mention of Kitten-Fu, but was unsure of the might of the LEPr’s. They’re evil, you know. Of course good Kittens will always triumph over evil because evil monologues.

  29. JYF says:

    SEGUNDO !

  30. Bellidancer says:

    Appletweak, I would love to be a charter member of your club, but I just can’t wrap my brain around your acronym.

    Streetrabbit, your imagery, (“butterflies flew out from each and every orifice of the PC and it was reborn.”) is either lovely or revolting. I can’t decide which, but the really stunning revelation was that you have home computers with XP (or had). Frankly, Streetrabbit, I can accept people sometimes HAVE TO use PCs at work. But at home?!?!?! I am shocked and horrified. and saddened….

    30

  31. Psyko says:

    Bellidancer, I was thinking the exact same thing. When I heard him utter the most evil combination of letters ever, I almost died. Then I realized that he said he put Fedora on them. That makes up for it since Fedora is slow and crappy, suits the Ickies quite well.

    MARK

  32. Streetrabbit says:

    It’s not easy taking of the black mask of evil and leaving the easy living of the Imperial Corporation to join the Rebel Geek Alliance.

    Still another week and I should have my wireless network card all NDISly wrapped and working.

  33. Steve Jobs says:

    I know who the insane woman is and who she works for.

    Mary Jo Foley, and she writes for Micrsoft Watch.

    And I won’t eat my liver. But I might be willing to cut yours out…

  34. Anonymous says:

    Paté, anyone?

  35. Psyko says:

    That sure isn’t Jobs. He isn’t that sick.

    MARK

  36. Rev says:

    She doesn’t write. She represents the tobacco industry. Nothing gets done without them.

  37. greenacres says:

    …it off as done!

  38. greenacres says:

    Damn, that Rev. Of course, I was stupid and forgot to refresh my screen as the wife had me off doing chores….sigh…next time…

  39. Psyko says:

    I am sure in a hurry to marry. *rolls eyes*

    I finally don’t have my parents telling me to do chores and I can’t wait to have a wife telling me to do chores. Crimany.

    MARK

  40. ...House says:

    Actually Psyko, I’ve discovered that doing chores at home is rather akin to programming a sexbot. Admittedly, I’d rather be coding, but the effect is remarkably similar….

  41. Psyko says:

    Oh, that is good news. On a sexbot you have code rules though. With a wife you have to take into account mood and whatnot before they are “programmed.”

    MARK

  42. greenacres says:

    Not all wives are always in a bad mood. But when you have a new week-old baby, you do need to jump a little until a regular pattern arrives in the house. Not too different from a re-org in business, actually…

  43. Del says:

    They were not my kittens. The masters of Kitten-Fu would not be so easily detained… though next week I have to figure out how to get the two younger ones in to be neutered. I shouldn’t even be posting this here. They’ve been checking up on me. Crap if they read this I’m screwed. Thank God they haven’t found anyone else to open their cans yet or else I would be in trouble.

    Also I wouldn’t call my kittens “good” though they are very good at being ninjas.