Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I’ve recently experienced some problems with my Power Mac G5. Startup takes several minutes and I experience frequent stalls in applications. I’ve tried reinstalling the operating system, but nothing seems to work. What’s wrong with my Mac?
A: Have you run Apple’s Disk Utility?
Q: Yes. It says all the permissions are correct and the disk is fine.
A: I see. This is very bad. Clearly there’s a problem with your Hasenpfeffer manifold.
A: Hasenpfeffer manifold.
Q: Now… you just made that up, didn’t you.
A: I did. But the upside to me having just made it up is that you can use Monopoly money to pay for getting it repaired. You know… because it’s an imaginary part.
Q: Um… that’s great. But wouldn’t the obvious drawback to your suggestion be that I won’t actually be fixing the problem with my Mac?
A: Oh, well, fine. If you want to spend hundreds of dollars trying to diagnose and repair your precious “real” hardware problem, that’s your decision. Just remember, I’m the guy who provided you the least expensive option.
Q: That didn’t actually fix the problem.
Q: OK, I’ll remember that.
A: Good. See that you do.
Q: I will.
Q: It’s settled then.
Q: Bully for you.
Q: I was having sporadic problems with my PowerBook and, as it is covered under AppleCare, I sent it in to Apple for them to diagnose. I was infuriated, however, when they sent it back without taking any action, claiming that I used non-standard RAM. That’s crap. Just because I didn’t buy Apple’s overly expensive RAM doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with my RAM. What should I do to make Apple fix my PowerBook?
A: While it is true that Apple has been making some spurious claims about third-party RAM, bad RAM can also cause problems with your system. Which third-party supplier did you buy your RAM from?
Q: Well… it wasn’t exactly a third party. It was more like sixth… or maybe even eighth.
A: Oh. Well, do you remember the name of the company?
Q: Mmm, not really. It was long with a lot of consonants in it.
A: Ah. Your RAM chips didn’t happen to come with salsa, did they?
Q: They… might have.
A: Yeah. Those are Mexican RAM chips. Mexico’s not really considered a good RAM country. You’ll want to look for RAM from almost any of the countries that Japan invaded during World War II.
Q: That’s really a rather odd way of putting it.
A: Thank you.
Q: That wasn’t a compliment.
Q: Last month I purchased an Apple Cinema display and I have been very disappointed. I have the brightness turned all the way up, but the image is so dim I can’t even see it. Before I return it and write a nasty letter to Apple, do you have any suggestions for how to fix this?
A: Well, this might sound stupid, but did you take it out of the cardboard box?
Q: Uh… yes. That was one of the first things I did.
A: OK. OK. The only reason I ask is because those are really hard to see through. Did you remove the Styrofoam and the plastic wrapping?
A: Oh! I know. Did you open your eyes?
A: That was it, wasn’t it?! You forgot to open your eyes!
Q: Um… no. My eyes are open.
Q: Uh… are you saying I should go with the nasty letter?
A: YOU RUBBED PUDDING IN YOUR EYES!
Q: Oh. You’re just not even paying any attention to me anymore.
A: YOUR HOME IS FILLED WITH A DENSE METHANE ATMOSPHERE!
Q: Writing letter now.