08 Apr 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’ve recently experienced some problems with my Power Mac G5. Startup takes several minutes and I experience frequent stalls in applications. I’ve tried reinstalling the operating system, but nothing seems to work. What’s wrong with my Mac?
A: Have you run Apple’s Disk Utility?
Q: Yes. It says all the permissions are correct and the disk is fine.
A: I see. This is very bad. Clearly there’s a problem with your Hasenpfeffer manifold.
Q: My…
A: Hasenpfeffer manifold.
Q: Now… you just made that up, didn’t you.
A: I did. But the upside to me having just made it up is that you can use Monopoly money to pay for getting it repaired. You know… because it’s an imaginary part.
Q: Um… that’s great. But wouldn’t the obvious drawback to your suggestion be that I won’t actually be fixing the problem with my Mac?
A: Oh, well, fine. If you want to spend hundreds of dollars trying to diagnose and repair your precious “real” hardware problem, that’s your decision. Just remember, I’m the guy who provided you the least expensive option.
Q: That didn’t actually fix the problem.
A: Exactly.
Q: OK, I’ll remember that.
A: Good. See that you do.
Q: I will.
A: Great.
Q: Sure.
A: Fine.
Q: It’s settled then.
A: Indeed.
Q: Bully for you.
A: Right.

Q: I was having sporadic problems with my PowerBook and, as it is covered under AppleCare, I sent it in to Apple for them to diagnose. I was infuriated, however, when they sent it back without taking any action, claiming that I used non-standard RAM. That’s crap. Just because I didn’t buy Apple’s overly expensive RAM doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with my RAM. What should I do to make Apple fix my PowerBook?
A: While it is true that Apple has been making some spurious claims about third-party RAM, bad RAM can also cause problems with your system. Which third-party supplier did you buy your RAM from?
Q: Well… it wasn’t exactly a third party. It was more like sixth… or maybe even eighth.
A: Oh. Well, do you remember the name of the company?
Q: Mmm, not really. It was long with a lot of consonants in it.
A: Ah. Your RAM chips didn’t happen to come with salsa, did they?
Q: They… might have.
A: Yeah. Those are Mexican RAM chips. Mexico’s not really considered a good RAM country. You’ll want to look for RAM from almost any of the countries that Japan invaded during World War II.
Q: That’s really a rather odd way of putting it.
A: Thank you.
Q: That wasn’t a compliment.
A: Oh.

Q: Last month I purchased an Apple Cinema display and I have been very disappointed. I have the brightness turned all the way up, but the image is so dim I can’t even see it. Before I return it and write a nasty letter to Apple, do you have any suggestions for how to fix this?
A: Well, this might sound stupid, but did you take it out of the cardboard box?
Q: Uh… yes. That was one of the first things I did.
A: OK. OK. The only reason I ask is because those are really hard to see through. Did you remove the Styrofoam and the plastic wrapping?
Q: Mmmm-hmmmmmmm.
A: Oh! I know. Did you open your eyes?
Q: …
A: That was it, wasn’t it?! You forgot to open your eyes!
Q: Um… no. My eyes are open.
Q: Uh…
Q: Uh… are you saying I should go with the nasty letter?
Q: Oh. You’re just not even paying any attention to me anymore.
Q: Writing letter now.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. wouldn't you like to know says:

    Frist post. Oh wait, he’s a senator.

  2. cdn, eh? says:

    so close. so close.


  3. CT says:

    first post (of mine)


  4. 4th. I guess by now we’re supposed to be posting actual comments though.

  5. greenacres says:

    5th! Er…comments?? What article?

  6. Ace Deuce says:


  7. leftshoe says:

    Is 7th worth anything?

    Anybody else reading this on saturday?

  8. leftshoe says:

    A question to the mac using readers, do any of you use the one button mouses?

  9. Carl says:

    The actual comments come after the holy 11th post. Duh.

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    Actually, I meant six. Though I’d prefer, you know, what I said before.

    Speaking of RAM chips, the ones that came with my dual G4 had a tang to them, like vinegar. Could they have been English? It would explain the battered fish.

  11. Ace Deuce says:

    I started with a one button mouse, then switched to a five button mouse. Now I use Velcro.

  12. 2000guitars says:

    Genuine Ugly Box.

    …box not included…

  13. UhhhDude says:

    You know, if you look at the dead pixels on my LCD screen just right, you’ll see the impression of…Steve Jobs.

    (You didn’t think I was going to say the Virgin Mary, did you? Because that would be sacrilege. Plus, I’d have put the whole thing on eBay by now.)

  14. wouldn't you like to know? says:

    Hey! Someone’s trying to steal my identity!

    Well, at least they’re using it to claim first post. Could be worse.

  15. PoisedNoise says:

    I think the last guy with the monitor problem just forgot to turn it on. Much simpler explanation than the dense methane atmosphere.

    What do you mean we’re not meant to solve the problem? It’s a helpdesk, isn’t it?

  16. Streetrabbit says:

    Gee if only I’d called the Help Desk before I poured that bag of Doritos into my Power Mac.

    It is running a little faster though.

  17. Roadhog says:

    That’s funny because when I poured Doritos into my Power Mac I saw no speed increase. The odor seemed to impove though. You didn’t use ranch did you?

  18. philosopher kind says:

    Life is short. Full of stuff.

  19. micahgartman says:

    Another FANTASTIC episode of Crazy Apple Help Desk!

    Bravo, Mr. Moltz. Bravo!!!


  20. Chris says:

    Is Tiger out yet? In the meantime, a theme song idea – “Tiger Nights” by The Bongos. Lyrics below.

    Tiger Nights

    (words and music by Richard Barone and James Mastro)

    tiger, tiger

    there are some things

    i dream about

    in the bushes

    hidden kisses

    you turn around

    and i see you

    wearing something

    striped in black…

    well live

    just like a tiger

    and do what we want when we do

    well love,

    and then our dreams of the kill will come true

    winds of passion

    this is something

    ive dreamed about

    and tonight im

    gonna tell you

    what ive cried about —

    deep inside me

    there is something burning bright for you

    tiger, tiger

    in the bushes

    gonna wait for you

    and then well love

    just like a tiger!

    our friends they will call on the phone

    and well long

    for what the jungle has taken away

    well love

    just like a tiger

    and do what we want when we do

    well fight

    and then our dreams of the kill will come true

    1983 Ackee Music, Inc.Miniature MusicFire Red Music (ASCAP)

    All rights reserved.

  21. 22nd post!

    It is a hooray, for it is a multiple of the holy 11.

  22. Psyko says:

    “I guess by now we’re supposed to be posting actual comments though.”

    You couldn’t be more wrong.


  23. Huck says:

    It sure is a good thing Japan never invaded pudding, otherwise this CAHD would have been very different.

  24. Who Else? says:





  25. Travis says:

    Anyone else feel that this site is not funny at all? I really couldn’t help posting my opinion on this.

  26. K.S. 2.6.9 says:

    ever wonder why you go to sites you don’t like Travis? There are plenty out there you know…

  27. 2000guitars says:

    well, it’s just like when you pound on your head with a hammer. It feels so good when you stop…

  28. ...House says:

    ummm, pudding chips? I can’t decide if that sounds really good and why hasn’t someone invented it yet doggoneit! Or like some unspeakably hideous mutation of what happens to pudding left for too long in the refrigerator – after it forms fault zones and/or skin….

  29. appletweak says:

    Travis: I am not sure what you are getting at, this site is devoted to hard facts, insightful commentary and the dissemination of pudding, salsa and sexbots. These are all very serious subjects and should never be taken lightly. To proclaim otherwise is tantamount to sacrilege and may result in you being beaten about the head and shoulders with al dente fettuccine or ridiculed by lederhosen-clad dwarfs brandishing rabid ill-tempered hasenpfeffers, or both. Just sayin’.

  30. berli says:

    Well, a dense methan atmosphere is indeed a pain in the neck if you want to watch tv. Not my fault if I fart so much.

  31. iconmaster says:


    That *so* needs to become a household idiom.

  32. 2000guitars says:

    So apparently, the “big bang theory” is nothing more than a primitive version of the CAHD. Some cavemen were sitting around one night comparing, er, clubs, and…

  33. Friday 4pm says:

    Has anybody tried lychee, kumquat and llama saliva?

  34. Friday 4pm says:

    Sorry that was supposed to be a posting to the Crazy Snapple Rumors Site…..

  35. tim says:

    i think all this lcd screen buzziness might have to do something with cables and stuf. It happens to me every now and then. Switching on the power before connecting all wires doesn’t do the trick and the screen seems to dark. But connecting some cables here and there sometimes helps. Hope this is of use to you.

  36. 2000guitars says:

    hey hey hey

    that’s getting awful close to being actual help information…

  37. Streetrabbit says:

    I will not eat it in a house

    I will not eat it with a mouse

    I do not like Hasenpfeffer

    Not one bit

  38. PoisedNoise says:

    Surely that should be

    I do not like Hasenpfeffer

    I do not like it no not ever


    I do not like Hasenpfeffer

    I do not like it, Sam you’re never.

  39. Streetrabbit says:

    I’m just against eating rabbit.