07 Apr 05CARS Continues 24-Hour-A-Day Tiger Coverage.


Lots of activity to report today on the imminent release of Tiger (NOW!). Apple has picked up the pace of seeding release candidates in a sure sign that the few remaining issues are being quashed with all due speed. The company hit a road block earlier today, however, when several seeds were issued with erroneous release numbers.

Sources forwarded the following sequence of events that would seem comical if we didn’t need Tiger so desperately to fill our shallow, empty lives.

9:05 AM – Apple seeds Tiger Release Candidate THX1138.
9:22 AM – Apple realizes that that seed number is actually the name of a George Lucas film and withdraws the release.
9:41 AM – Apple seeds Tiger Release Candidate Zero, Zero, Zero, Destruct… Zero!
9:53 AM – Apple realizes that that seed number actually the final destruct sequence for the USS Enterprise and withdraws the release.
10:10 AM – Apple seeds Tiger Release Candidate 18-42-35.
10:31 AM – Apple realizes that that seed number is Avie Tevanian’s high school locker combination and withdraws the release.
10:47 AM – After much consultation, the company seeds Tiger Release Candidate 576.12 – a number picked at random but finally settled upon because one guy is pretty sure they haven’t used that one yet.

While the seed number scheme caused the company some delay, the operating system is clearly just days, if not moments (NOW!) away from being released. Indeed, several Apple sources report seeing sullen marketing interns dressed in tiger costumes wandering the halls, as well as “smelling Tony”, whatever that means.

Meanwhile, in the retail channel, shelves are reportedly being cleared of Panther boxes and replaced with small scraps of paper reading “I.O.U. one advanced operating system release with built-in automation, desktop dashboard and advanced file search capabilities. Your bud, Apple.”

Plus somebody emailed us something about some inventory tracking thingy that we couldn’t really understand. Something about SKU numbers or some shit like that.

Finally, the Earth Goddess appeared to a Mac user visiting Stonehenge and said “TIGER SHALL BE RELEASED UNTO THEE IN A FORTNIGHT.”

British sources confirm that “a fortnight” is two weeks in U.S. time.

No Responses to “CARS Continues 24-Hour-A-Day Tiger Coverage.”

  1. Sexbot Union Rep says:

    First !!!

    Sexbots rule!

  2. Jon says:

    Second!

  3. Claire says:

    Third

  4. Jon says:

    Tiger still wasn’t released by the second link. What is *up* with thhat?!

  5. ___ says:

    fifth?

  6. 4538573402957342765439056781349856473153415th?

  7. sparky bob says:

    sevenish?

  8. Carl says:

    Today, I looked for release date clues in Capcom’s hit game “Street Fighter II”:

    “Balrog, when will the next OS from Apple come out?”

    “Tiger, uppercut! Tiger!”

    Hmm, I think I’m getting closer to doing the tatsumakisenpuukyaku, but no closer to learning the release date for Tiger. Grrr.

  9. Carl says:

    Disgraaaaaaaaaaaaace.

    I was fighting Sagat, not Balrog. Duh.

  10. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP!

    SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP!

    SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP!

    SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! SHIP!

  11. Alternate Universe Schiller says:

    Here in the Alternate Universe, Microsoft already shipped Longhorn, but nobody noticed.

    Love,

    Phil.

    (PS. I’m Mexican, not Canadian.)

  12. MacMastery says:

    NnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnNOW!

    Damn it!

  13. Huck says:

    Pick up the pace!

    *holds can of salsa up*

  14. leftshoe says:

    My apple obsessed friend said he heard that a Guy knew some one who had a friend thats works janitor at apple, and apprently he over heard someone saying that Tiger is comming out sometime this month!

    Time to buy apple shares!

  15. Matt says:

    Do you realize that once Apple ships Tiger, those NOW! links will become correct, and you will RETROACTIVELY BE VINDICATED!!!

  16. Small Paul says:

    Okay, I’m doing my best to help get Tiger released, but now Tony in my office says I’m invading his personal space or something.

    I’m so confused. Should I smell him without him realising?

  17. Alternate Universe Homer Simpson says:

    Mmm…. Salsa….

  18. younghart says:

    The event will be in Las Vegas. With Siegfried and Roy.

    Ellen Feiss will sing “Teach me Tiger”.

    The Server will be called “Tiger unleashed”.

  19. Streetrabbit says:

    We’re hearing the same things here John, a fortnight is indeed two weeks repeat a fortnight is two weeks.

    That’s confirmed then a fortnight is two that’s two weeks.

  20. Voice in Medicine Cabinet says:

    If you feel you are not properly sedated, call 348-844 immediately. Failure to do so may result in prosecution for criminal drug evasion.

  21. Jason Young says:

    This would have been really funny had Apple released Tiger Build# Turk182.

    As is it, it’s only mildly humorous.

  22. caerulea says:

    eleventeenth!

  23. Gary says:

    I was eating my cerial this morning and there in the flakes I saw Tony and he said its coming soon and its grrrreat!

  24. Anonymous says:

    Most combo locks only go up to 39. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen one that went to 42. I think Avie’s memory of high school must be a little fuzzy.

  25. Like dude, you expect me to really remember my High School locker number?

    Anyone who remembers high school, didn’t go to high school.

    Or was that the 60s?

    Ah, same thing.

    Here is the offical number of the Tiger release that went Gold Master about six months ago. (We’ve just been holding you in suspect to tweak you.)

    It is release build: e^i*pi + 1 = 0

  26. Streetrabbit says:

    Space Dock Tech: Ok Captain, now before we give you the keys, there’s just one last thing we need from you.

    Kirk: Oh?

    Space Dock Tech: Yes Sir, we need to programme in the code for the auto destruct sequence.

    Kirk: Right. So I can have the keys now?

    Space Dock Tech: No Sir. You need to chose a secret code that only you know, something difficult for anyone else to guess.

    Kirk: Gimme a hint.

    Space Dock Tech: I don’t know the code Sir, you have to chose it, any alphanumeric combination Sir.

    Kirk: Oh I see like numbers and stuff.

    Space Dock Tech: That’s right Sir, numbers and letters. Oh and here’s a Post-It note so you can stick it on the side of the Viewer.

  27. Ace Deuce says:

    Golden Mistress sounds more interesting to me. Might be a sexbot.

    The best build-numbering scheme uses a date/time stamp: always unique, orderly, and chocolaty-good.

  28. Release candidate 576.12? That’s the Dewey Decimal number for genetically engineered lifeforms. And that can only mean one thing … cybernetic sexbots!

    Either that, or Schillerclones. So it could mean two things.

  29. Hobbs says:

    Tiger is almost here. See the demo in full-screen mode NOW!

    http://www.apple.com/macosx/tiger/spotlight.html

    Tiger Watch @1:09 PM CST. No sign of Tiger.

  30. michael says:

    I keep clicking the link to go to buy Tiger from Apple, but it isn’t listed there.

  31. As I liger, I say:

    Hooray!

  32. Bellidancer says:

    I think the release number should be 4.8.15.16.23.42. That would give Apple a tie-in to one of the hottest TV shows of the year. We could spread rumors that clues to the show are hidden in Tiger, there by boosting Tiger sales tremenously. The number might backfire by scaring off those people convinced the numbers are evil. But then a bad boy rep isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

  33. Psyko says:

    “Do you realize that once Apple ships Tiger, those NOW! links will become correct, and you will RETROACTIVELY BE VINDICATED!!!”

    Well, that also means that everybody that has said the links are not working will be wrong at that time. And once a bit of time passes they will start to pick up more wrong time than right time. Meaning they will become Super-Mega-Mongo-Never-To-Be-Trusted Liars as time approaches infinity.

    So, to counter act this…

    LOOK THE LINKS WORK!!! TIGER IS OUT!!!

    MARK