13 Apr 05Union Army Razes One Infinite Loop.


In a devastating blow to Apple and Apple fans everywhere, the Union army under the command of General William Tecumseh Sherman, marched on Cupertino today and razed One Infinite Loop to the ground.

While historians and military experts were at a loss to explain how the incident could have occurred, Apple executives were defiant in their repudiation of the act and vowed revenge.

“These cowardly yankee scalawags shall have their comeuppance!” vowed Senior Vice President of Worldwide Sales and Operations Timothy Cook. Cook, along with Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson, indicated that they planned to enlist immediately in order to defend the honor of Apple, swearing the company’s stock would rise again.

Meanwhile, dressed in a gown he sewed himself from green curtain pulled from the smoldering ruins of the Apple campus, CEO Steve Jobs attempted to put a positive face on the damage during today’s quarterly conference call with financial analysts.

“Ah certainly don’t know what you all are frettin’ about!” Jobs exclaimed, vigorously waving a fan in front of his face. “Our Mac sales are up 48% and our iPod sales up 558%! And this lemonade is absolutely de-licious! Have you tried it?”

After completing the conference call, however, Jobs was rushed to a settee, having been overcome by “a case of the vapors.”

Also, while seemingly unrelated to Apple’s current woes, Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand Serlet was heard to remark that he don’t know nothing about birthin’ no babies.

No Responses to “Union Army Razes One Infinite Loop.”

  1. Finally. Now I can post again and claim to have read the article.

  2. Anyone know where I can rent a live Tiger? It’d be totally cool to bring one to an Apple Store on the 29th. Or maybe next Tuesday, just to catch them off-guard.

  3. Ok I’ve now read it a few times, and still cannot picture Steve saying the word “frettin’.”

    You kids seen the full-length 1984 video yet? It’s right here: http://www.esm.psu.edu/Faculty/Gray/graphics/movies/1984complete.mov

  4. And a green curtain? Does CARS know anything about Steve’s ways? Lemonade? I thought he was vegan.

  5. cali says:

    sixth

  6. I should also point out that the 1984 Steve Jobs believed that America contained only “235 people.”

  7. K.S. 2.7.8 says:

    third

  8. Carl says:

    Vegan lemonade– because sugar tastes good, it’s probably a kind of meat.

  9. I’m not sure if Carl is mocking or agreeing with me. Lemons are people too. I mean they’re animals. No? Well, lemmings are. And you can’t make lemonade without well-trained lemmings. The untrained type buy PCs and walk off cliffs.

  10. Streetrabbit says:

    On the bottom right hand corner of this page http://www.sonofthesouth.net/leefoundation/civil-war-battles.htm

    ..is a space.

    Now we know what it’s for.

    11 (tentatively)

  11. John C. Randolph says:

    Damn yankees!

    ..one of my favorite musicals.

    -jcr

  12. Invisible Evil Scarlet O'Hara Choir says:

    FIDDLE DEE DEE! FIDDLE DEE DEE! FIDDLE DEE DEE! FIDDLE DEE DEE!

    FIDDLE DEE DEE! FIDDLE DEE DEE! FIDDLE DEE DEE! FIDDLE DEE DEE!

    FIDDLE DEE DEE! FIDDLE DEE DEE! FIDDLE DEE DEE! FIDDLE DEE DEE!

    FIDDLE DEE DEE! FIDDLE DEE DEE! FIDDLE DEE DEE! FIDDLE DEE DEE!

  13. Bellidancer says:

    Wall is hell.

  14. Ace Deuce says:

    Lordy!

    Never you mind, the Mouth will rise again!

    Umpteenth, by the way.

  15. JCR-

    I noticed that you’re an Apple engineer. I think you know what we’re all wondering… how are the sexbots coming along?

  16. Annoying guy says:

    Where IS my Chomsky-hat? I can’t seem to find it anywhere.

  17. William Gates says:

    Frankly, Jobs, I don’t give a damn.

  18. 2000guitars says:

    …gnad a evig t’nod I ,raed ym ,ylknarF

    heh heh–dang in DelSpeak is gnad…

    isn’t life great?

  19. Jon says:

    I am terrified.

  20. John C. Randolph says:

    Michael,

    Sorry, I’m not in the need-to-know category for hardware under development. I’m not sure I even know anyone who would know how the sexbots are coming along… I mean, *if* they’re coming along. I mean, I deny that I may or may not have ever heard anything about sexbots, unless it was on a rumors site that I’ve long since forgotten.

    Clear enough?

    Anyhow, if you’re a major geek like Vink, and you want to see something really sexy, check out the Core Image, Core Data, and Core Video[1] pages on Apple’s web site.

    -jcr

    [1] No, not Hard-core video, just Core Video.

  21. John C. Randolph says:

    BTW, Moltz: I must consider you remiss, having failed to mention General Lee’s heroic defense of the DeAnza 3 lobby, General Stonewall Jackson’s re-taking of the Fitness Center with 500 volunteer troops raised from the small towns of Valley Green 5 and Bandley 3, or even General Beauregard’s brilliant, but ultimately futile deployment of the Café Macs umbrellas as a diversionary tactic. Why, that alone should have historians’ rapt attention for at least the next century and a half!

    -jcr (Posting dejectedly from the Appomatox Conference Room)

  22. Apple Maid says:

    Tarnation! The curtains are charred!

  23. The Apple will rise again!

  24. UhhhDude says:

    Well, *I* tried the lemonade. Seems like someone spiked it with sour mash whiskey.

    Mm. Tart, tangy flavor with just a bit of a–

    (thud)

  25. Anonymous says:

    UhhhDude, your timing, ah say, your timing is impeccable.

  26. Del says:

    (In continuation of yesterday’s comments that I missed out on answering)

    The *cold* tub is still filled with ice wine. (Hot ice wine seems very wrong). I don’t think we ever filled the humongous Hot Tub with anything. Cai’s put ramps in it and is using it for Skating.

    !detnecs nomel dna ,ynihS ,ytfiN si 2.0.0 kaepSleD !noisrev wen eht daolnwod saw yadot BP ym pu derewop I nehw did I gniht tsrif ehT .ecneidua sih fo sisohcysp dna stnaw ,sdeen eht ot snetsil yltinifed repoleved ehT .looc yrev si 2.0.0 kaepSleD

  27. Ayn Rand says:

    Steve Jobs is a REAL man. He makes Howard Roark look like Mahatma Gandhi. And when he gets a case of the vapors, you better watch out.

    Must have eatin’ some chili.

    Ah, yes, worship Steve Jobs! There is no God. I said so when I was 12 years old and I have no reason to change my mind! I am right, and cannot possibly be wrong about anything.

    But I must correct myself. Thereis a God, and his name is Steve the Vapors Jobs!

    Ayn

  28. rwp says:

    ROTFL – stop so I can breathe!!

  29. CTHULHU says:

    PUNY MORTALS! IT IS OBVIOUS THAT GLAARKU HAS POSSESSED STEVE AGAIN!! I WILL HAVE WORDS WITH HIM (GLAARKU, NOT STEVE) ABOUT THAT!!!

    HE KNOWS THIS SORT OF THING WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!!!!!

    BAD DEMON-GOD, NO UNSPEAKABLE HORROR FOR YOU!!!!!!!

  30. Alright JCR I’ll believe you for now about the sexbots.

    As for Core Image and Core Video, yes, thank you very much for all the drool that is now on my keyboard. I’m not a developer, but I can appreciate Core Data as well. It looks like you will also be responsible for causing me to upgrade my graphics card, so I can take full advantage of all the goodies. I can’t wait to see how this fits into the pro apps at NAB next week… (I’m a video/DVD editor)

    Umm, this is getting too serious for a CARS comment, so I’m gonna get out of here.

    Wait, do I have to leave? I was first post… I OWN this article.

  31. Ace Deuce says:

    Michael, you mustn’t hog the conch. Others have equally useless and petulant comments to contribute. Plus if your post density is too high, you are suspected of not having a life.

  32. Admiral Kirk, starting to get all whiney says:

    C’mon, Moltz, jol yi freakin’ choo already.

  33. John Moltz says:

    That was “Maltz”, played by none other than the hi-larious John Laroquette of “Night Court” fame.

    Interestingly enough, though, I did nail Markie Post once.

  34. Anonymous says:

    Growing boys need Tang.

  35. Homer Simpson says:

    Mmmmm….. Tang……

  36. Cthulhu, I believe that Glaarku never left Jobs in the first place. In fact, they are probably peacefully cohabiting Jobs’ body (rather than forceful possession), having realized that they can be a powerful team together, with Glaarku’s hunger for souls, and Jobs’ extensive list of sworn enemies.

    That explains the recent disappearance of Nick DePlume from Think Secret (notice that all the recent stories were posted by one Ryan Katz). Jobs/Glaarku obviously devoured his soul.

  37. Admiral Kirk, watching nervously as the Genesis Planet crumbles around him says:

    Damn. No wonder I wasn’t getting beamed up. Well, can anyone at all help (Denny Crane)?

  38. Jim Alchin says:

    I don’t think I want to comment on what Steve Ballmer is full of.

    Longhorn is going to kick Tiger’s ass! Yeah, and we’re going to ship it this decade! No fooling! And our searching capability will make it easier than ever for trojans and viruses to find all of your friends, and infect their machines!