14 Apr 05Jobs Full of Soda.


Concerned Apple employees note today that CEO Steve Jobs has again drunk too much soda, leaving him temporarily incapacitated.

Lying like a beached whale on a couch in the lobby of One Infinite Loop, Jobs has reportedly been moaning for several hours and clutching at his distended belly, which is exposed from under his black mock turtleneck.

“I drank too much soda!” Jobs shouted, as if in explanation to a tour group of curious school children, frightening many of them.

Several of the boys from Ms. McReedy’s Social Studies class, however, were undaunted by Jobs’ belligerence and began to poke at him roughly with a stick.

“He can’t even get up,” noted an unconcerned Tristan Meyer, age 11.

Asked why he was poking the visibly uncomfortable Jobs with a stick, Meyer shrugged and said “Ahdunno.”

“Aaaaagh!” Jobs cried out. “Stop poking me! Can’t you see I drank too much soda?! Oooooooh!”

Standing nearby, Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller shook his head.

“We’re not sure why he does it,” Schiller explained. “But every once in a while Steve will guzzle three or four 2-liter bottles of Pepsi, Coke, Diet Rite – really anything he can get his hands on – all in about five minutes. Unfortunately, the effect is always the same.”

“Clearly he has a very high metabolism,” claimed Senior Vice President of the iPod Division Jon Rubinstein. “Much like the hummingbird. This would explain his vigorous nature.”

“No, no, no,” said General Counsel Nancy Heinen. “It’s a comfort thing. He’s seeking solace in the sugary goodness of today’s carbonated beverages.”

“You people are nuts,” opined Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian. “He’s simply attracted to the bright labeling and the soft sound of fizzing. He seeks to own these things… to be the soda, if you will.”

Whatever the motivation behind Jobs’ unfortunate compunction, it has taken Apple’s CEO out of the technology game mostly likely through the weekend while the damage done to his system dissipates.

No Responses to “Jobs Full of Soda.”

  1. Annoying guy says:

    Arrggh!!!! I told you guys to leave my testicles alone!!!

    Oh. Wait. Who am I again?

    I think I’ll just go over here and… uh… go over here. And stand.

  2. Insider says:

    We’ve been through this before. There is no couch in the 1 Infinite Loop lobby.

  3. Bellidancer says:

    Ok, Insider, now I’m starting to wonder about you. First, Apple HQ has several different lobbies. I’ve been in at least three, and while they didn’t have “couches” they did have comfortable overstuffed chairs. (not unlike Steve… wait make that uncomfortable overstuffed for Steve!)

    I admit I haven’t been to 1 Infinie Loop in a year or two, and what with the recent razing there probably isn’t much left. But remember, Steve has that link with IKEA. Even if he isn’t yet the CEO of IKEA, I’ll bet he has an insane soon-to-be CEO discount!

  4. Bellidancer says:

    Well, Del, you have made me curious. Problem is the nearest store that may have Faygo is 45 minutes away and Faygo is listed as an “Olde Time” soda so the price is jacked up. So is Izzie. I’ll probably sitll try them sometime as long as you can assure me they are not “health drinks”, I hate those overpriced foul tasting perversions of good American sugar waters.

  5. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA!

    SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA!

    SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA!

    SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA!

    SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA! SODA!

  6. Sigmund Freud says:

    ‘zis is so sad really.

    Ze Apple CEO has ze sexual problem. He cries out to us! He is binging on bubbly beverages because he can’t perform adequately in order to satiate his desires. It is not so strange really, but such disappointment for one used to so much success! Oye vay!

    Just look at ze language:

    “Stop poking me”

    “He can’t even get it up”

    “Anything he can get his hands on”

    “In about 5 minutes”

    “You people are nuts”

    Can’t you see ze pain and ze frustration? It is as plain as the little music player in his pants!

  7. John C. Randolph says:

    Personally, I’m partial to Standard Programming Fluid, also know as “Coca-Cola”. Royal Crown Cola is nice too, but somewhat hard to find in California. I found it a lot more often back east.

    As for Steve, every time I’ve ever seen him drink anything at all, it was bottled water…

    -jcr

  8. Willy Wonka says:

    It is NOT pop, it is NOT soda, and it is definitely NOT tonic. It is surely “fizzy lifting drinks”! Jeeez… where did you guys grow up… in a box?

  9. Brazil Guy says:

    Agua san gas.

    No?

    Aqua con gas.

  10. A-Treat supporter says:

    I am a supporter of A-Treat.

    An Allentown, Pa maker of great tasting soda.

    Available on line

    http://www.a-treat.com/

    I was wonderinf if they might wish to become the Apple official soda sponser !?!?!?!?

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