Concerned Apple employees note today that CEO Steve Jobs has again drunk too much soda, leaving him temporarily incapacitated.
Lying like a beached whale on a couch in the lobby of One Infinite Loop, Jobs has reportedly been moaning for several hours and clutching at his distended belly, which is exposed from under his black mock turtleneck.
“I drank too much soda!” Jobs shouted, as if in explanation to a tour group of curious school children, frightening many of them.
Several of the boys from Ms. McReedy’s Social Studies class, however, were undaunted by Jobs’ belligerence and began to poke at him roughly with a stick.
“He can’t even get up,” noted an unconcerned Tristan Meyer, age 11.
Asked why he was poking the visibly uncomfortable Jobs with a stick, Meyer shrugged and said “Ahdunno.”
“Aaaaagh!” Jobs cried out. “Stop poking me! Can’t you see I drank too much soda?! Oooooooh!”
Standing nearby, Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller shook his head.
“We’re not sure why he does it,” Schiller explained. “But every once in a while Steve will guzzle three or four 2-liter bottles of Pepsi, Coke, Diet Rite – really anything he can get his hands on – all in about five minutes. Unfortunately, the effect is always the same.”
“Clearly he has a very high metabolism,” claimed Senior Vice President of the iPod Division Jon Rubinstein. “Much like the hummingbird. This would explain his vigorous nature.”
“No, no, no,” said General Counsel Nancy Heinen. “It’s a comfort thing. He’s seeking solace in the sugary goodness of today’s carbonated beverages.”
“You people are nuts,” opined Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian. “He’s simply attracted to the bright labeling and the soft sound of fizzing. He seeks to own these things… to be the soda, if you will.”
Whatever the motivation behind Jobs’ unfortunate compunction, it has taken Apple’s CEO out of the technology game mostly likely through the weekend while the damage done to his system dissipates.