12 Apr 05Tiger Shipping April 29th. Apple Resting On Laurels.


Apple announced today that Tiger will ship on April 29th (NOW! Hey, it works!), ending 428 man-years worth of rumor site speculation.

As joyous an occasion as the release of a major OS X update is, it is now time to ask Apple “What have you done for me lately?” Indeed, while Tiger is slated to hit the shelves in just over two weeks (which, if you paid attention to our in-depth Tiger coverage, you would know is called a “fortnight” in the UK), new Power Macs are reported to be on the horizon and speed-bumped iBooks are just around the corner, Apple really has little else going on.

Except some medium-term work on PowerBook G5s and a Firewire media device. And then some longer-term work on an ultra-light portable, video iPods and the company’s continued research into high-speed peas and carrots.

But other than that, squat.

So, before we pat Apple on the back for a job well done with Tiger, here is a list of things that Apple has not done for you recently:

  • Apple never even responded to all those letters you wrote asking for Ellen Feiss’ home address.
  • Apple never returned your calls when you were looking for help moving, even after you helped it drag that refrigerator up all those steps that time.
  • Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian, although good at math, will not help you master basic fractions, despite your continued troubles with the concept.
  • The company has not offered to chip in for gas even though you always do the driving on your coke-fueled all-night road trips through the desert to get to Vegas in time for a weekend of hookers, booze and violent fight club initiations.
  • While not recent, Senior Vice President of the iPod Division Jon Rubinstein never sent you any support checks, even though he knocked you up in the back of a GMC Pacer during that Grateful Dead concert.
  • The company has refused to drop its lawsuit against you, despite your motion for dismissal (certain rumor sites only).
  • CFO Peter Oppenheimer has not given you even one full-body hot oil massage. Not one.

Apple declined to comment for this story, other than to ask that we not “get all up in [its] grill.”

No Responses to “Tiger Shipping April 29th. Apple Resting On Laurels.”

  1. Spike says:

    First!

  2. Hobbs says:

    Second! I don’t believe it!

  3. Carl says:

    My post is the thirdest!

  4. Carl says:

    Aw, this post is all…. fourthy. Bleh.

  5. MacMastery says:

    Is it a coincidence that the number of man years is the same as the GM build number?

  6. PoisedNoise says:

    probably.

  7. 2000guitars says:

    seven, yo

  8. mikey says:

    thirdest? I like that… that’s clever, carl…

  9. 2000guitars says:

    how about a full body high speed peas and carrot massage?

  10. appletweak says:

    doin the bump…a huh…doin the bump

  11. appletweak says:

    so i can be elevenriffic! woot!

  12. appletweak says:

    !tceffe lluf ,re ,ni si tceffE iaC ehT !!skcor kaepS leD sulP .emahs on evah I – yeh tub ,od ot gniht ypparc a ,yldettimda ,si hcihW

    *ggggniorrrrpS*

  13. appletweak, that was clearly a shameless move… posting twice in a row to take 11th.

    Having said that, allow me to do something not by any means shameless… provide happy fun direct links to buy Tiger from Amazon.com!

    Tiger for only $94.99 (single computer):

    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?tag=theonestomac&path=tg/detail/-/B0002G71T0

    Tiger for 5 computers for $149.99:

    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?tag=theonestomac&path=ASIN/B0007LW1MW

    Amazon.com rebate that gives you the 1337 prices:

    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?tag=theonestomac&path=tg/stores/detail/-/software/B0002G71T0/rebate-info?m=ATVPDKIKX0DER

    See? Not shameless at all. (Shameful is a better word, I think.)

  14. leftshoe says:

    Is it just me or does this article give the impression that the author already knows we know already(which we do)?

    This is by far the least informative rumour article I’ve seen today……..

  15. Huck says:

    Goddamn, I really hate getting knocked up by Senior Vice President Jon Rubinstein.

  16. K.S. 2.7.3 says:

    left shoe………..all I can say is……………..If you don’t have anything nice to say about CARS, don’t say anything at all

  17. GMC Pacer?

    Does this have anything to do with… the Global Monkey Conspiracy?

    Shit! They’re knocking on the door! They’re coming for me!!! THE MONKEYS ARE COMING FOR MEEEAAAAAARGRGHHHHH

  18. Streetrabbit says:

    .esorp ruoy pu yttums nac ECHP eht woh ees dna emoC

    !WON tuo si 2.0.0 kaepSleD

  19. Glenster says:

    Philistines!

    It’s AMC Pacer! Not GMC!!!!!

    That was some fine Detroit iron!

    ok, not really.

  20. Glenster says:

    um, correction:

    That was some fine Kenosha, Wisconsin iron.

    still, not really.

  21. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT!

    FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT!

    FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT!

    FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT! FORTNIGHT!

  22. John C. Randolph says:

    When are we going to see some WWDC coverage on Crazy Apple Rumors?

    -jcr

  23. Ace Deuce says:

    I have it on good authority (my brother) that the phrase “peas and carrots” is the official movie crowd-murmur generator. It’s what you say when you’re supposed to be talking, but have no clue about what.

    Kinda like posting on CARS.

  24. UhhhDude says:

    Leftshoe, you must be the one I see lying out there on the highway while I wonder, “How does somebody lose only one shoe?”

  25. Hobbs says:

    Me thinks it good that Leftshoe is haunting the CARS website. It shows a burgeoning interest in the Mac and with careful cajoling we may be able to get him or her to switch. It also adds a ‘je ne sais quoi’ or tension to the comments section: prospects of a sudden vitriolic Mac vs PC debate!-which we should avoid at all costs to maintain the feel good ambiance of the proceedings.

    Last post!

  26. Bellidancer says:

    MORE coverage?!?!? I’m exhausted with all the coverage for TIger!

    But John’s right. What has Apple done for us lately? But I think John’s list has some glaring omissions.

    Apple has, to my knowledge, NEVER responded to any requests for more (or any!) information on Apple’s sexbot research.

    Further, Apple has never responded to my generous offers to be a beta tester!

  27. weedle19 says:

    mmm….. beta testing

    sign me up!

  28. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    Who’s Laurels? And why is the whole company resting, …. on her? Did she wear them out?

  29. Del says:

    Yay! If I wasn’t stuck on this stupid PC I’d get the new DelSpeak now!

    I’m lost without it!

  30. ...House says:

    !redrah neve skcor kaepS leD wen ehT !ytiggid-toH

    *selbbiW*

    !tihS elttiL ouY

    It’s cracks me up even more when I realize just how very narrow the target audience for this application is!

  31. Streetrabbit says:

    Hang on. Tiger April 29th. Mega-Post 1st Anniversary April 30th. Can this be coincidence?

    I smell a surprise weekend long CARS/Apple sponsored binge-fest.

    John and Steve will thank us all for the great ideas we’ve given them, sexbots, iThingies, ninja kittens (not sure if the kittens are lesbian) and iFlap pajamas.

    I’m there. I’ve got to get my toga from the dry cleaners though, chocolate sauce makes such a mess!

    Thanks CARS, Thanks John, Thanks Steve.

  32. ...House says:

    Just a bit redundant there aren’t ya Streetrabbit? Thanking both John _and_ Steve…?!

    Personally, I prefer a simple leather thong complemented with a bandolier of alternating cheez-whiz canisters and iThingy power modules. By the way, anyone know if the hot tub is still filled with ice wine…?

  33. Streetrabbit says:

    I forgot they are one and the same…or at least interchangeable.

  34. UhhhDude says:

    I got nothin’. Other than to say that Apple’s fridge was really heavy going up all those steps. Apparently, vegan food weighs much more than you think.

    (Then again, most sensible people clean out the fridge before they move it.)

    But did I get anything for my troubles? Noooo. Not even a “beta test” with the protype sexbot.

    Feh.

  35. I think I saw leftshoe’s mate on the highway today. Well, it was a right shoe, in any case. Could have been a cousin or something, I suppose. Perhaps leftshoe’s sole mate.

    (Get it? Sole mate! Ha! Man… *Chortle* Heh heh. Ahem.)

  36. Lefty says:

    I had a relationship recently—Gumshoe.