Tiger Shipping April 29th. Apple Resting On Laurels.

Apple announced today that Tiger will ship on April 29th (NOW! Hey, it works!), ending 428 man-years worth of rumor site speculation.

As joyous an occasion as the release of a major OS X update is, it is now time to ask Apple “What have you done for me lately?” Indeed, while Tiger is slated to hit the shelves in just over two weeks (which, if you paid attention to our in-depth Tiger coverage, you would know is called a “fortnight” in the UK), new Power Macs are reported to be on the horizon and speed-bumped iBooks are just around the corner, Apple really has little else going on.

Except some medium-term work on PowerBook G5s and a Firewire media device. And then some longer-term work on an ultra-light portable, video iPods and the company’s continued research into high-speed peas and carrots.

But other than that, squat.

So, before we pat Apple on the back for a job well done with Tiger, here is a list of things that Apple has not done for you recently:

  • Apple never even responded to all those letters you wrote asking for Ellen Feiss’ home address.
  • Apple never returned your calls when you were looking for help moving, even after you helped it drag that refrigerator up all those steps that time.
  • Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian, although good at math, will not help you master basic fractions, despite your continued troubles with the concept.
  • The company has not offered to chip in for gas even though you always do the driving on your coke-fueled all-night road trips through the desert to get to Vegas in time for a weekend of hookers, booze and violent fight club initiations.
  • While not recent, Senior Vice President of the iPod Division Jon Rubinstein never sent you any support checks, even though he knocked you up in the back of a GMC Pacer during that Grateful Dead concert.
  • The company has refused to drop its lawsuit against you, despite your motion for dismissal (certain rumor sites only).
  • CFO Peter Oppenheimer has not given you even one full-body hot oil massage. Not one.

Apple declined to comment for this story, other than to ask that we not “get all up in [its] grill.”