15 Apr 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Do to our very heavy workload following Tiger release date rumors (is it the 18th, the 22nd, the 29th? It’s all so tiring!), we’re running a “Classic” episode of the Crazy Apple Help Desk from 1988!

Q: I recently purchased a Mac SE and I was astounded at the speed! What an excellent machine! My question is, can I use this machine to do video editing?
A: Oh, sure. The Mac SE excels at video editing. What you’ll want to do is create 10,000 bit-mapped drawings and then splice them together and then scroll through them really quick!
Q: Um, isn’t that just making a flip-book?
A: Yeah. That’s what you said.
Q: No, I said “video editing.”
A: Right. Flip-book.
Q: N-no. Video editing.
A: Flip. Book.
Q: Video editing!
Q: What the hell’s the matter with you?!
A: Me?! You’re the crazy-assed freak who wants the Mac to do video editing! Sheesh, why don’t you just ask for jet packs or… or… sexbots or something?
Q: Oooh. Sexbots? Really?
A: No! Gah!

Q: I bought a Mac Plus two years ago and I am furious! The Mac II that came out last year is twice as fast! Now my investment is useless! It’s yesterday’s business! It’s a $2,600 paperweight! Why…
A: Dude! Dude!
Q: What?! What?!
A: Dude, it’s an 8 MHz difference.
Q: Oh. Oh, yeah. I never thought of it that way.
A: Yeah. That’s like… nothing.
Q: Totally. I don’t even know what I was upset about anymore.

Q: I’m a long-time user of the Apple II and I’ve recently been thinking about switching to the Mac. My only concern is, will all of my ASCII porn be viewable on the new platform?
A: That’s a common question we get here at the Help Desk…
Q: Wow! Really?!
A: Um… no, but we haven’t been open that long.
Q: Oh.
A: But, anyway, rest assured your ASCII porn will be viewable on the Mac.
Q: Hmm. OK. Well… great, I guess.
A: What? You seem kind of down about that.
Q: Well… it’s just that… I was kind of looking forward to re-typing it all. It’s really hot.
A: Uh… huh.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. K.S. 2.8 says:

    first post

  2. Sembazuru says:


  3. 2000guitars says:

    ah well, ya can’t have everything

  4. francsapa says:


  5. francsapa says:

    well, now, let’s read it…

  6. francsapa says:

    i got a confession to make: at the time i was using a commodore 64. fast as the wind, indeed!

  7. Bellidancer says:

    Wow! It may be an oldie, but this “reprint” has more actual Apple advice that we’ve seen in months!

    However, there are severe problems with this story.

    John, we’ve seen your photo in the Meet the Staff page. I doubt you had even started school (grade school) back in 1988.

    Second, In 1988 1200 baud modems were the king, text bulletin boards were cutting edge, and the Internet was big only on college campus among the geeks.

    Third, transfering even text files between and Apple II and a Mac SE was not trivial! Apple II used 5.25 floppies, SEs use 3.5 floppies. And Apple IIs did not use Appletalk so you could not network them.

    Fourth, the real difference between the SE and The Mac II…Color!

    On the other hand, could this be the origin of the sexbots rumor?

    Great, great story!!!

    Lucky Number Seven!

  8. cdn, eh? says:


  9. 2000guitars says:

    my Vic 20 was it on a stick

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    Tenth or eleventh!

  11. K.S. 2.8.1 says:

    eleventh too!

  12. Rev says:


    …and as Mac people, wouldn’t you think we’d have something better to do than to race for pole position on the message board that officially unofficially skewers the product we are so addicted to?

    Guess not.

    Steve wants us to get jobs.

  13. Huck says:

    I’m sorry, but there is nothing hot about typing ascii porn. It’s freaking *tedious*.

  14. Ace Deuce says:

    It is tedious; that’ why we have the secretarial pool. We dictate, they type.

  15. Pffft says:

    What?… no reference to the 128k MAC? or even the mighty 512? You are foooools? Such fools! Hahahahaha….

    MacDraw is the most powerful flip book editing program on the planet! Video? Pffffft! Pffffft I say.

  16. Someone you hopefully don't know says:

    Græt stori todae. Give me my shoe back.

  17. leftshoe says:

    This is pretty funny, almost as good as the poetry class one.

    I’ve still got one of those mac II’s lying about…..

  18. Streetrabbit says:

    It’s not about your vorsprung durch technik you know.

    And it’s not about your joggers go…..

    I confess, round about this time I paid $A2000 for a clone XT.

    Ah, glory days. And porn? Man the nights I would spend typing rude, green words on that thing.

  19. Flip book?! Bah! Hrrph! VideoWorks, dude, VideoWorks! Does sound editing too. It’s the future of computing.

  20. Tristrami says:

    a low ebb

  21. mac user 02 says:

    Is this an apple support site?

    I have a b& w g3 400 256m 6g

    the hd, widescsi is wiped.

    Installing os 9, says g3 firmware needs updating.

    Cannot update firmware from boot disc.

    what to do?

  22. honer the cloner says:

    I think apple will license clones in the near future.

  23. post or get lost says:

    Last post!

  24. so there! says:

    Laster Post!

  25. Haha! Ah, man, mac user 02, you’re a riot! “Is this an apple support site?” he asks. Ha!

    *Wiping tear from eye* Wait, were you like… serious? Because that really could be a problem… I’ve had to deal with that when updating iMacs at work recently. This is where an emergency boot partition or bootable external drive comes in handy. I still have a tiny, bare-bones 8.6 partition on my B&W G3 that I can use if things get really messed up. Sadly, B&W G3s can’t boot from FireWire. If you have an bootable external SCSI drive you could try that. Otherwise, your best bet is probably to install OS 8.5 or 8.6 onto your hard drive since 8.x shouldn’t require the firmware update, then run the firmware updater from 8.x, then install OS 9.

    In the future, you can always take this kind of issue to http://www.apple.com/support/ or to your local Apple Store’s Genius Bar (the latter will probably prove more helpful).

    And– D’oh! Now look what you made me do! Man, I was doing really well for a while, and now you’ve got me desecrating the good CARS name by posting useful information again! Never again, I tells ya, never again.

    Well… maybe once again.

    Or twice a-googoly.

  26. Oh yeah, and Lasterest Post!

  27. Future Guy on April 32, 20X6 11:65 PM, not says:

    Lasterester. And I’m from the future.

  28. mac user 02 says:

    the JoshMeister


    here’s what i did:

    sytem wouldn’t boot from 0S 8 disc.

    took internal drive with 9.1

    booted up g3 with it!! then updated firmware!

    installed /updated to 9.2

    will install osx 10.2 on seperate drive tonight.

  29. Way Ting says:

    Dear Cars

    I just found out about this apple support site.

    I have a Macintosh Quadra 800, in 1994, i broke part of plastic tray that holds the hard drive, rendering this system unusable.

    I have been looking “everywhere” for a replacement -to no avail!

    Please help.

  30. johnny rocket says:


    trying to install osx panther on my

    Macintosh Performa 200.

    However, it won’t install as it is an unsupported machine.

    (according to the apple.com web site)

    My question is:

    How much more do i need to support it?

    The desktop upon which it sits is very sturdy!

    HEavy duty metal frame, 2 inch thick top.

    How much more support will it need?

  31. johnny rocket, you need to buy Tiger. Panther won’t run on a Performa 200. Tiger will. Don’t listen to what Apple tells you. Just buy it.


    $94.99 after this rebate! —


    If it won’t install, that’s probably because your flux capacitor is discombobulated. Zap the PRAM by holding Command-Option-P-R when the computer starts up until you hear it do the Mac chime exactly 87 times. If your fingers get tired trying to hold the keys that long, ask someone to pour some Kool-Aid on the keyboard while you’re holding the keys. This should keep the keys stuck in place. Don’t forget to keep counting the chimes in the mean time. If you accidentally let it chime 88 times in a row, your mouse will catch a virus and Windows 3.1 will begin to automatically install on your computer. And there’s nothing worse than a sneezing, mucousy mouse. Except for Windows 3.1, of course. That’s a lot worse.

  32. Oh, and as for you, Way Ting, your system has no hope of ever working again. Plastic trays are completely essential to the operation of a Quadra. Or a 16th-century fish tank. I forget which.

    Actually, you might want to try installing Tiger. That could fix it.


  33. Psyko says:

    I am king.


  34. Carl says:

    No, you’re not. I’m Neptune, and you know nothing of my work!

  35. NEW USER 1 says:






  36. nonayoughbiz says:

    Macromind Videoworks? Nahhh… Adobe will buy them someday.

  37. mac user says:

    Dear Cars community

    I own several power computing machines.

    Where can i find pram bateries, cheap?