18 Apr 05Unverifiable Apple Store Stories.


Unverifiable Apple Store stories are coming in in droves these days. From the celebrity who demanded several free iPods because she’s “a celebrity, dammit!” to the staff member who insists Apple never sold any black Macs, stories from Apple retail that cannot be corroborated are all the rage.

Not to be outdone, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has sent its squid-like tentacles out and snared these tantalizing Apple Store tales that may be real but have not be checked.

  • At the Westfarms Apple Store, an Apple Genius flew into an insane rage when the 23rd customer that day left a C out when saying “PCMCIA.” He took four hostages and demanded a sack full of Scrabble Cs and a getaway car before he was wrestled to the ground by two 18-year-old mall security guards.
  • Four Power Mac G5s got up and just walked out of the Shadyside Apple Store one day last fall. Just walked out. Damnedest thing you ever saw.
  • The undead rose under the powers of a zombie master and wandered the aisles of the Clarendon Apple Store, making several purchases and then staying to watch a theater presentation on iPhoto.
  • The Southcenter mini Apple Store was stolen in its entirety and sold out of the back of a 1978 Lincoln town car, with the staff and customers still in it.
  • A 12-inch PowerBook G4 was returned to the Rockaway Apple Store because of a warped frame and was immediately replaced without question. With a vat full of pudding large enough to be of equal value, per the terms of Apple’s standard return policy.
  • The Glendale Galleria Apple Store was forced to reveal to the Casual Corner that it had an illicit affair with the Victoria’s Secret, but noted “it meant nothing, baby, nothing.”
  • A blueberry USB hub was finally purchased after sitting on the Tyson’s Corner Apple Store shelf for four years.

We will pass on all unconfirmed Apple Store stories as they come in.

This is a rumor site after all.

44 Responses to “Unverifiable Apple Store Stories.”

  1. Biff says:

    I read it, yet I believe it not!

  2. number two says:

    second!

  3. Ace Deuce says:

    Third

  4. I heard that some Apple stores sell computers, and no actual apples. Never seen it myself, but I have very good sources.

  5. Anonymous says:

    I say it’s Jef Raskin’s ghost.

    Who’s with me?

  6. Won't Shan't says:

    I’m not posting today.

    Sixth!

  7. PoisedNoise says:

    damnit, can’t think of a funny rumour. Too early in the morning over here in the UK….

  8. Streetrabbit says:

    It’s true. I was in that Southcenter Store.

    My new master paid $17.99 for me. A bargain!

    I’ve got to go to the loo. Can someone mind eleven for me?

  9. Barry and Levon says:

    That’s a whoooole lotta puddin’. Uh huh. Aw yeah.

  10. gnaahh says:

    Need more G5 rumors! gnaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

  11. appletweak says:

    I heard several Redmondites walked into an Apple Store with the intent of bashing mac users, but were so enraptured with the store and its distant but helpful staff (stangely all wearing black mock turtlenecks), that they renounced Windows and PCs forever and joined a local squirrel union (Woodland Local 1509 if you must know) where they now ponder the meaning of life sniffing acorns that have been fermented in Finlandish ice wine.

    I swear.

    I’d also like to point out that was the longest run on sentence I’ve ever written.

  12. Ugly John says:

    UGLY JOHN!!! UGLY JOHN!!!

  13. the Ugly John impersonator says:

    UGLY JOHN SUCKS! UGLY JOHN SUCKS!

  14. 2000guitars says:

    All Right! A rumor site that actually posts rumors! You could knock us over here with a feather. That is, you could “knock us over” “with a feather”, rather than “knock us” “over here” “with a feather” which sounds uncomfortable.

  15. Bellidancer says:

    Grade A Choice Rumors!

    Here’s one I heard:

    A San Francisco teenager was found to have his iPod ear buds permanently embedded in his ears. Doctors at UCSF hospital found that the youth’s ears actually grew over the buds leaving only a small opening for the wire. The strange medical condition was not noticed by the youth or his parents, but by the Mission district high school the teenager attends. The school’s vice principal had demanded the youth remove the ear buds while in class only to be astonished to find the ear buds permanently attached. Apparently both the youth and his parents refused surgical removal of the ear buds.

  16. Carl says:

    “but have not be checked”?? John, am you need grammer chek agen?

  17. Psyko says:

    That Southcenter Mall Apple Store is-err, was the closest one to me. Now I am going to have to go the the one in Bellevue, and you know what that means. I have to drive further now, and on 405 (I hate 405). At least the Bellevue Square one is bigger with the 30″ displays. 🙂

    MARK

  18. Psyko says:

    Oh yeah, here is a good rumor for you guys. It is even a true one. My G5 kicks PC @55.

    MARK

  19. Apple Storey Teller says:

    It’s true. It was the damnedest thing—that’s no rumor; whether it happened, well, that’s a horse of a different color.

  20. Barry and Levon says:

    We could’ve had $100 worth of pudding…

    And that would have been a lot of pudding.

    But we had to go all the way, baby. $240 worth of pudding. Awwsyeah.

    Now’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. Awwwsyeah. Kiss the sky! Awwwsyeah.

    *Gratuitous rubbing of ass in pudding*

  21. post or get lost says:

    last post!

  22. Barry and Le Von says:

    LeVon: Aw yeah.

    Barry: Aw yeah, baby.

    LeVon: It’s that time.

    Barry: Aw, you know it’s that time.

    LeVon: I’m Le Von.

    Barry: And I’m Barry, Sagittarius.

    LeVon: And it’s time, it’s time for two-hundred

    Barry: and forty dollars

    LeVon: worth of puddin’.

    Barry: worth of puddin’.

    LeVon: Aw yeah, Mr. Bouche, come on in here, and let’s get a shot of this puddin’.

    Barry: Now that is the kind of puddin’ that only two-hundred forty dollars can buy.

    LeVon: Aw yeah. We had the two-forty

    Barry: (praying hands) we had to have the puddin’.

    LeVon: Aw yeah. Now we could have bought, a hundred dollars worth of puddin’

    Barry: (huge eyes) And that would have been, a lot of puddin’.

    LeVon: Aw yeah, but we had to go all the way, baby.

    Barry: All the way home.

    LeVon: Uh huh. With two-hundred

    Barry: and forty dollars

    LeVon: worth of puddin’.

    Barry: worth of puddin’.

    LeVon: Aw yeah.

    Barry: Now I know what you’re thinkin’

    LeVon: “Barry and Le Von, where did you get two-hundred and forty dollars?”

    Barry: (shake head and put finger to mouth) Shhhhhh.

    LeVon: Aw yeah.

    Barry: Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, baby

    LeVon: It ain’t your concern.

    Barry: Now if you excuse me, I gotta whisper some sweet nothings to this puddin’.

    LeVon: I’ll just be over here, mindin’ my own.

    Barry: (whispers)Oh baby, you know you got it goin’ on. Aw, you lookin’ so good, you lookin’ so right.

    LeVon: Barry baby, Barry baby, you see what I got here

    Barry: what have you got there?

    LeVon: This is a box of puddin’, Barry

    Barry: what does it say?

    LeVon: It says “cook, and chill”

    Barry: Aw yeah.

    LeVon: and baby, that’s what I do every night. I cook, and then I chill.

    Barry: (bump and grinding) Aw yeah.

    LeVon: (bump and grinding) Aw yeah.

    Barry: And chill!

    LeVon: Yes sir! Barry, baby, I think it’s that time.

    Barry: I think it’s time to do the deed.

    (both whip off jackets)

    LeVon: Aw yeah, here’s the moment you HAVE been waiting for.

    Barry: Now if you, will excuse me while I kiss the sky.

    LeVon: Aw yeah (both wiggle butts in mound of puddin’) Aw yeah!

    Awww Yeah…Barryandlevon.com, baby

  23. Anonymous says:

    Hi! I just bought $241 worth of pudding. Hey, you know what time it is? Well…It’s probably time to clean up this mess.

  24. Anonymous says:

    Did Apple Stores even exist four years ago? Has it been that long?

    I think that blueberry “USB hub” was actually a blueberry muffin that one of the employees brought in for breakfast and then left on a shelf while helping a customer.

  25. Del says:

    Speaking of black mac’s: why go back all the way to the Mac TV. The pismo PBG3 was released on 2000.

  26. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    Blueberry hub

    http://www.moretech.com.tw/p-html/usb/usbhub/html/usbhub.htm

    “Since the opening of the first Apple retail store in May 2001”

    Almost 4 years!

  27. Ace Deuce says:

    Okay–this is kind of freaky, but since we’re talking about Apple Stores I had to mention it.

    I was talking to a Genius at the Genius Bar at Washington Square mall about my difficulty installing Halo, and we got to talking about birthdays since it happened to be mine. I asked him when his was, and he said November 9th. No big deal, but when I came back a few days later to test my Halo CD on their hardware, I got a different Genius. I asked where the other Genius was, and the new Genius said, “Which one?” and I said “The one whose birthday is November 9th.” He said, “My birthday is November 9th too. Tall guy? That’s Tom–he’s out today.”

    Well I got Halo installed okay, but I thought, what are the chances that two Geniuses at the same store would have the same birthday? So I went back a few days later and independently asked some other Geniuses what their birthdays were. November 9th! All five Geniuses at this store were born on the same day, and they kinda look similar too. Either they are quintuplets or clones!

    I haven’t checked any other stores, but it wouldn’t surprise me if there were more clones.

  28. I do believe I saw the Virgin Larry appear in the metal grating of the the front of a G5 at the North Michigan ave Chicago Store.

  29. Del says:

    If we are talking about cool hubs I suggest:

    http://www.charismac.com/Products/firedino/

    My firewire hub can beat up your firewire hub.

  30. Psyko says:

    Del, I can beat up your firewire hub, so get over it.

    MARK

  31. Psyko says:

    Then again, I wasn’t “MacAddict RATED AWESOME…” 🙁

    MARK

  32. Del says:

    Exactly!

    What I like best about it is that it ate my co-worker so now I have my office to myself. That and it is shiny!

  33. Del says:

    I just updated to 10.3.9 w/ Safari 1.3

    I give it 4 thumbs up (okay two thumbs up and two big toes)

    Now on my PBG4 500mhz I can reload the Mega-Post and switch freely amongst my other tabs without my laptop performance taking a massive nose dive. Also Java stuff like Cisco PDM is way faster. I know that isn’t a technical term, but I used to have time to go and get a cup of coffee while waiting for it to load and now I just have enough time to get a sip of coffee.

    Also Safari 1.3 is blocking the pop-ups that have been getting through lately.

  34. Psyko says:

    I have the G5. It screams through everything, but would be faster with more RAM.

    *Psyko holds out a cup to collect donations.*

    MARK

  35. Del says:

    Yeah and my PB isn’t shiny enough so I’d like a 17″ PB.

    *Del holds out a cup to collect money or a 17″ PB g4. She doesn’t trust what you people would put in a cup just labeled “donations”, and yes it is a really big cup that a 17″ PB would fit in.*

  36. appletweak says:

    Del, the PB G4 17″ is VERY shiny, but wouldn’t you rather wait for a shinier G5?

    *plunks a couple of bills in Del’s collection cup*

    Speaking of which, I was at my local Apple Store and I asked my emotionally distant, but helpful, AS employee about when they’re gonna have G5 PowerBooks and she said that her uncle who’s neighbor is a guy who works at IBM who cleans the cube of this support guy who was talking to this chip designer who works with Apple that they’re working on mobile G5’s, but the flames that shoot out the side of the new PowerBook (code named ‘sexbot’) keep incinerating peripheral devices and onlookers. Once they get that taken care of, they should be good to go.

  37. appletweak says:

    Coooool, thanks to Del about a previous post that said ‘if you’re working on a newer mac, spell czech should be built in’… it is! I just never knew I could enable it, woot! There must be a bug, though, ‘cuz ‘sexbot’ keeps getting flagged as a misspelling and I KNOW that’s wrong.. secksbot, no, sexbought, no, sixspot, segsbaut, no dang!

    hmmm, perhaps more misdirection my Jobs/Moltz…

  38. nrk says:

    When I read the title, I thought they were real stories from unverified Apple Stores.

  39. Del says:

    No prob. Appletweak and I couldn’t live without it.

    BTW right click on the word sexbot then click Learn Sexbot. No more problem. If your using a one button mouse then you have bigger problems than what I can help you with.

  40. ...House says:

    Oh man, if only it were that easy for _me_ to Learn Sexbot! As it is, I just keep getting freaked out and running to hide under the hot tub with my inhibitions swirling wildly about. Then again, I haven’t actually tried right-clicking since I use a 15″ PB…. Wait a minute…I can try control-clicking…that just might work! Hold on, I’ll be right back…

    * ducks out and makes way over to the Mega Post *

    * returns an indefinite period of time later with a black eye, broken nose, and a distant, blissed-out look *

    Wow…so that’s what I’ve been missing….

    Just, um, don’t try it with the lesbian ninja sexbots – they’re definitely not into the whole “control” thing, unless they’re the ones in control – probably also didn’t help that, umm, unlike me, they’re, well, lesbians….

  41. not received says:

    my issue of schillermania has not arrived.

    what to do?

    (rebooted sevral times, do i need to reinstall entire 10,2,8 ?