20 Apr 05CARS Editorial: WHAT?!


Did you see this crap?

Apple pays some network TV monkey $15,000 to promote the iPod?

$15,000?! Hell, for half that I could assemble a team of lesbian ninja coeds who would stuff Matt Lauer in a sack and beat him with hard salamis and then hijack an hour of network television to show themselves making out with each other while stroking the iPod seductively.

All for $7,500. In terms of marketing and return on investment, it doesn’t get any better than that.

Plus, you’re getting rid of Matt Lauer for 60 minutes. Apple could write the whole expense off as a charitable donation.

And for just $350 I could do the same thing, but with dudes.

But does Apple call the fine staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site? No. They call this Greenberg dude who screws the pooch.

You’ll get that from a lot of your standard-issue network TV monkeys. Pooch screwing.

I’m not sure who’s in charge of marketing at Apple (cough), but I just don’t get the point of paying someone to shill a product that people are pretty much willing to shill for free. I can’t open up my local paper or drive down the street or go to the bathroom without seeing some promotion for the iPod.

The last one, of course, is because I keep my iPod in my underwear. Purely for safekeeping.

Plus it gets nice and warm when I play it. Sure it looks funny when I want to switch to the next song, but…

Anyway, if you’re going to pay someone to shill your product, why wouldn’t you pay a long-time supporter of your company who just happens to have close ties to the lesbian ninja community?

And knows how to keep his mouth shut.

Sheesh.

36 Responses to “CARS Editorial: WHAT?!”

  1. Sembazuru says:

    WHAT?!

  2. K.S. 2.8.4 says:

    wow two

  3. Sembazuru says:

    Did you see this first post?

  4. K.S. 2.8.5 says:

    wait, did you claim it? hmmm? You need to claim it for it to count…

  5. appletweak says:

    cinco!

  6. Daddy Bartholomew says:

    And I notice NO ONE DID CLAIM IT ! HA! I’M NUMBER ONE!

    FIRST POST!!!

  7. Streetrabbit says:

    John McEnroe had a TV show!???!

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    Oka

  9. ...House says:

    Ninth!

    (hmm… pooch screwing… meh)

  10. ...House says:

    …and the coveted … aw hell, twelfth….

  11. UhhhDude says:

    If I can get a free iPod to replace the one that died on me, I’d promote the iPod for free. Hell, I’d stand out in the street naked for a free iPod.

    (Then again, I don’t need much of a reason to stand out in the street naked. The temporary restraining order sure helps, though.)

  12. Bellidancer says:

    I hear alot of anger in this story… AND JOHN HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE STEAMED!!!! I certainly would have been alot more influenced by John’s iPod “event” than this idiot Greenberg’s iPod shilling. When is Apple going to learn who their friends really are? And throw a little action their way????

    Boy, I am steamed too! I have talked up Apple for years, and when has Apple ever,,,, EVER… throw a few scraps my way?

    And Apple is still using broadcast media?!?!? How far behind the times is that?!?!? The influence peddlers today, the true modern trendsetters are the Bloggers … ( take a bow, John). Who in the world watches morning news shows any more?

    (Oh, and John, if it will help the lesbian ninja coed thing done… I’ll kick in twenty bucks.)

  13. 2000guitars says:

    too bad it doesn’t vibrate like a cell phone battery…

  14. Huck says:

    Shit, yeah. We need a Lesbian Ninja Orgy Fund. I’m good for a twenty.

  15. Carl says:

    “I’m not sure who’s in charge of marketing at Apple (cough).”

    I can’t believe I just bought a 10 year subscription to Schillerworld and 5 year subscription to Schillarmania. I feel used.

  16. Lil' Jackie Horner says:

    Sometimes you get the feeling Apple is just as big a schmo as the next guy.

  17. Wow. I actually know Cory Greenberg…and there are legendary stories about him wrecking stuff in a fit of pique at the studio for Home Theater magazine — so, honestly, none of this surprises me.

    What I’m wondering: was I the last magazine electronics reviewer in North America not getting bribed?

    I mean, on the one hand, I guess it’s good because there’s the whole ethics thing and all. But it’s kind of pathetic, too…not getting bribed and all.

    So, from now on, I’m just going to say bad things about everything, until checks show up.

    “Tiger? Let’s face it, it sucks. My old Commodore 64 had better features and didn’t take six weeks to install. Frankly, it shouldn’t cost more than $9.95 and gorgeous, scantily clad members of the opposite (or same if you prefer) sex should come to your home to do the install for free. After all, this is 2005.”

    And there’s more where that came from, Steve, that’s all I’m sayin’.

    Oh, and in case you were wondering, all electronics magazines suck.

    Case in point: while writing for one of the high-end, yet surprisingly unsuccessful magazines (cough Home Entertainment cough) I got in trouble for suggesting a $2,000 home audio server worked a lot less well than a $1,200 iMac, without offering a fraction of the functionality. (No, I didn’t get a check from Steve)

    But the editor of the magazine told me he didn’t care about Macs and that none of his readers would care and it didn’t matter that the server was much harder to configure and didn’t work as well.

    Well..now this month’s cover features what: integrating the iPod into your home theater system: the very same idea I was ridiculed for, just 18 months too freakin late.

    And they still won’t review sex bots. Losers.

  18. Oh..and by the way, while electronics magazines suck, baseball magazines are really cool.

    Okay fine. I own one. But it’s cool. Just wait for our “sex bots in the outfield feature.”

  19. greenacres says:

    John, put the pooch down and back away. Nobody wants to hurt you. Suicide by cop is not an option, here. We have your mother here to talk you down, if need be. Come off the balcony and we’ll talk…

  20. Anonymous says:

    Yes Streetrabbit, ol’ Johnny Mac did indeed have his own TV talk show for a while. Needless to say, it was pretty bad. That’s just what happens when CNBC produces a late-night talk show and gets *John McEnroe* to host it though.

  21. Harry Charisma says:

    I too am sensing much anger today, the vibes and chi of today’s posts have a negative harmonic. What is money? Just a means to an end. Let us focus on what is really important in life. See the perfect Mac system, be that system. Realize that such a system with the 23″ Monitor, the deluxe speaker system, Dual 2.5 Gig chips humming quietly would cost about $7,500 which is half of what that fricking idiot got paid to promote the iPod, yea I guess it pisses me off too.

  22. Lesbian Sexbot Ninja says:

    Hi, I’m here regarding a casting call I saw in the trade papers.

    Your only paying what!? You want me to take a post dated chec?. I don’t think so, I’m going to warn my Union Rep about this place.

  23. CTHULHU says:

    GLAARKU WILL HAVE TO TAKE THE FALL FOR THIS ONE!

  24. Bellidancer says:

    Oh great, we finally get a lesbian sexbot ninja on site and the lousy pay scares her away. John, loosen the purse strings! You can’t pay everyone like you do your permanent staff!

    (Geez, let’s think about this.

    Chet probably works for minimum wage.

    Ugluk probably works for the occasional road kill.

    Howard probably works for dog food and the occasional game of fetch.

    The Entity is the money man. He wouldn’t receive a salary.

    I think probably the only one who receives a decent salary would be Masako. )

  25. Del says:

    You think they’d pay Chet minimum wage? I figured he and Howard worked for the privilege in rolling in Ugluk’s road kill before Ugluk ate it.

  26. Ugly John says:

    UGLY JOHN!!!!!! AAAARRGHHH!!!!! UGLY UGLY JOHN!!!!!!!!! AARRGRHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

  27. Del says:

    Ugly John are you a Buccaneer-American?

  28. Glaarku Schrodinger says:

    Important sex bot news directly from Apple! In the April 21 Apple eNews in the Introducting Final Cut Studio mini-article the first line reads:

    “Its your ultimate production box set.”

    But, you and I know the real deal… sex bots!!!

    It’s an anagram at the end, and should read:

    “Its your ultimate production sex bot.”

    The future is now, almost, not quite, but very soon. There is NO DOUBT!!! SIGN THE ONLINE PETITION!!!!!

  29. support question says:

    Where can i find replacement higher velocity whisper quiet fans for my power mac 9500?

    Upgraded to 800mhz g4 of course!

    Did it myself.

  30. obsessions says:

    wots wit da sex bot obs on da site ???

  31. Streetrabbit says:

    John McEnroe?

    You can’t be serious?!

  32. PUBLICDOC says:

    Dumb … cool, but very dumb.

  33. Luis says:

    sign me for the just-dudes-allowed version

    😀

  34. ummm says:

    Did anybody else notice the line “for $350 I could do the same thing, but with dudes”?

    So… the making out with each other while stroking the iPod seductively? You sure about that one John?