Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today, in honor of Apple’s release of Tiger, the Help Desk answers Tiger-related questions!
Q: I just got my copy of Tiger and installed it on my Yikes! G4. I’ve been trying it out for the past couple of hours and already I feel that I have widget fever. I really expected to get Automator frenzy or maybe Spotlight affective disorder, but it’s widget fever. How can I combat this before it becomes acute?
A: Widget fever is no laughing matter. Automator frenzy is, but that’s neither here nor there. No, you’ll want to make sure you purchase Dori Smith’s excellent book on Dashboard Widgets and begin coding your own widgets immediately.
Q: What? Won’t that make it worse?
A: No, no. Learning to code widgets is like taking an injection of a disease to help fight it off. Once you immerse yourself in the world of widgets, you’ll find your widget fever has broken. Once you master the widget, you will find it holds no power over you.
Q: … Do you have any idea what you’re talking about?
A: Sure. Well… no. Not really.
Q: I was standin’ in line to get my copy of Tiger tonight and there were these punk-assed PC loozahs sitting at the Orange Julius drinking their frickin’ Orange Juliuseseses… eses. And they start mouthin’ off about Longhorn and how it’s gonna kick Tiger’s azz and how Mac users are such pohzahs and me and my buddy Stan are like “You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? ‘Cause, other than the rest of the mall, I don’t see nobody here!” Ha-ha!
Q: So anyways… oh, we’re at the Rockaway Mall by the way…
A: Well, sure.
Q: … and these PC loozahs are startin’ to really piss me and Stan off. So I’m like, Stanny, we gonna take that crap? And Stanny – you know Stanny…
A: Not so much.
Q: Stanny’s like “No way.” So he takes his Mr. Pibb and he throws it at the guy! Oh, man it was awesome! Ha-ha! Booj! Well, not really, because there was just a little backwash left in it. But, man!
A: Huh. Then what happened?
A: What happened after that?
Q: Oh, we ran like hell! No way we’re sticking around after that!
A: Um. Oh. OK.
Q: Heh-heh. Yeah. It was awesome.
A: So… you didn’t get Tiger.
Q: Um, no. I’m not even sure we can go back to the mall, now.
A: Right. Well, did you have a question?
Q: Oh, yeah! Where’s the best place to buy Tiger online?
A: Um, Amazon.
Q: Ah, cool! Thanks!
Q: I don’t have Tiger yet, but I was curious if my hardware would be Core Image compatible.
A: What type of Mac do you have?
Q: Well, it’s a Mac Classic II, but I upgraded the video card on it.
A: Uh… a Classic II.
Q: With an upgraded video card.
A: No. And, actually, I’m pretty sure you can’t upgrade it from 1-bit, so I’m not sure what modification you made to it…
Q: Well, it involved some welding… a little hot glue… some paper mache…
Q: Some glitter…
Q: But, no, huh? Man, that’s disappointing. I mean, doesn’t Apple have any concern for the investment people have made into their machines? Constantly making systems obsolete with new OS updates really puts the screws to their loyal users.
A: Let me get this straight. You’re complaining because the latest update to OS X won’t run on a machine introduced in 1991?
Q: Well, yes. But I just bought mine a month ago on eBay.
Q: I got it for a dollar.
A: I hope that’s all you paid for it.
Q: I paid more for the glitter.
A: Well, maybe you should be contacting the glitter company. It could be their issue. Maybe it’s not the machine, it’s the… glitter.
Q: Oh. You think so?
A: … No.