Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, in honor of Apple’s release of Tiger, the Help Desk answers Tiger-related questions!

Q: I just got my copy of Tiger and installed it on my Yikes! G4. I’ve been trying it out for the past couple of hours and already I feel that I have widget fever. I really expected to get Automator frenzy or maybe Spotlight affective disorder, but it’s widget fever. How can I combat this before it becomes acute?
A: Widget fever is no laughing matter. Automator frenzy is, but that’s neither here nor there. No, you’ll want to make sure you purchase Dori Smith’s excellent book on Dashboard Widgets and begin coding your own widgets immediately.
Q: What? Won’t that make it worse?
A: No, no. Learning to code widgets is like taking an injection of a disease to help fight it off. Once you immerse yourself in the world of widgets, you’ll find your widget fever has broken. Once you master the widget, you will find it holds no power over you.
Q: … Do you have any idea what you’re talking about?
A: Sure. Well… no. Not really.

Q: I was standin’ in line to get my copy of Tiger tonight and there were these punk-assed PC loozahs sitting at the Orange Julius drinking their frickin’ Orange Juliuseseses… eses. And they start mouthin’ off about Longhorn and how it’s gonna kick Tiger’s azz and how Mac users are such pohzahs and me and my buddy Stan are like “You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? ‘Cause, other than the rest of the mall, I don’t see nobody here!” Ha-ha!
A: …
Q: So anyways… oh, we’re at the Rockaway Mall by the way…
A: Well, sure.
Q: … and these PC loozahs are startin’ to really piss me and Stan off. So I’m like, Stanny, we gonna take that crap? And Stanny – you know Stanny…
A: Not so much.
Q: Stanny’s like “No way.” So he takes his Mr. Pibb and he throws it at the guy! Oh, man it was awesome! Ha-ha! Booj! Well, not really, because there was just a little backwash left in it. But, man!
A: Huh. Then what happened?
Q: Huh?
A: What happened after that?
Q: Oh, we ran like hell! No way we’re sticking around after that!
A: Um. Oh. OK.
Q: Heh-heh. Yeah. It was awesome.
A: So… you didn’t get Tiger.
Q: Um, no. I’m not even sure we can go back to the mall, now.
A: Right. Well, did you have a question?
Q: Oh, yeah! Where’s the best place to buy Tiger online?
A: Um, Amazon.
Q: Ah, cool! Thanks!
A: S-sure.

Q: I don’t have Tiger yet, but I was curious if my hardware would be Core Image compatible.
A: What type of Mac do you have?
Q: Well, it’s a Mac Classic II, but I upgraded the video card on it.
A: Uh… a Classic II.
Q: With an upgraded video card.
A: No. And, actually, I’m pretty sure you can’t upgrade it from 1-bit, so I’m not sure what modification you made to it…
Q: Well, it involved some welding… a little hot glue… some paper mache…
A: Uh-huh.
Q: Some glitter…
A: Glitter?
Q: But, no, huh? Man, that’s disappointing. I mean, doesn’t Apple have any concern for the investment people have made into their machines? Constantly making systems obsolete with new OS updates really puts the screws to their loyal users.
A: Let me get this straight. You’re complaining because the latest update to OS X won’t run on a machine introduced in 1991?
Q: Well, yes. But I just bought mine a month ago on eBay.
A: Ah.
Q: I got it for a dollar.
A: I hope that’s all you paid for it.
Q: I paid more for the glitter.
A: Well, maybe you should be contacting the glitter company. It could be their issue. Maybe it’s not the machine, it’s the… glitter.
Q: Oh. You think so?
A: … No.
Q: Oh.

40 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Well, here’s my rant tonight!

    While the rest of you are offline, busy installing a new system, enwrapped in all that Tigery goodness, I am sitting here still awaiting the FedEx Man ( Do you think he still might deliver after 10:30 P.M.?) Sure, the Help Desk can mock the process, but that is poor consolation for those of us too far from an Apple store, at the mercy of impersonal unfeeling delivery companies, waiting by the door for a little relief.

    And who is even going to see this tirade? Probably only some of the overseas guys.

  2. If I were a post stacker like SOME people, we’d already be at eleven. Therefore, I will go ahead and claim it now. The rest is left as an exercise for the reader.

  3. Bellidancer, if you have the right FedEx guy, he ALWAYS delivers.

    Especially after 10:30.

  4. well, as an oversea people myself, though it depends on which side you feel you are (in fact, I often feel like oversea, even here), I have much compassion to offer to those who are at FedEx unworked hours. It’s noon here, and I’m going to eat. After that, I’ll have a nap. I told you I was definitively oversea’s.

  5. So, I guess everyone is too busy now to post because you’ve got spotlight finding all sorts of things from the ’70s you’d totally forgotten about.

    Well good for you.


  6. Actually, Bellidancer, I was particularly impressed with your fifth post – an elegant, almost sublime, use of nihongo!

  7. “Tigery goodness”… Hmmmmmmm

    *heavy breathing ensues*

    Does that come with pie? I love pie.

  8. Please note the our attorneys will be asking each and every one of you to cease and desist commenting on Apple’s newest operating system, as wel feel the name of said system infringes on our copyright.

    As a purveyor of PC computers and other electronic peripherals you really don’t need (but gotta have! You know it!), we feel that we cannot be associated with a quality product such as OS X 10.4.

    So stop talking about it. Now.

    Now! I mean it.

    You! Over there! In the painted on stripes! Cease! Desist!

    I’m warning you!

    OK, that does it. I’m taking names. Bellidancer, iTiger, Streetrabbit, scared monster…ESPECIALLY you, iTiger. We know where you live. Remember that digital camera you bought from us in 1997? Huh? Did you think you could get away that easily? WE KNOW WHERE YOU LI-

    *wham* *smack* *thud*

    Masako: Idiot spammer.

  9. Does just purchasing the book on writing Widgets count, or do you actually have to have it? ‘Cause, uh, I haven’t finished writing it yet…

    If just pre-ordering it works, then you’re fine.

  10. If you didn’t receive Tiger on time, and you ordered from Apple, call the phone number in your shipping email, speak to an operator.

    They’ll offer you a free copy of iWork, or a free copy of iLife, or $30 at the apple store. That’s what they did for me, I took iWork.

  11. Thanks, Masako, I appreciate your anti-spam work. Aaahh, did you think to delete TigerDirects hard drives while you were there? I actually use to get their catalogs so they probably do know where I live.

    What the hell, we know you do good work and are thorough, so here goes.

    Tiger is the best OS Apple has ever produced!!!

    Everyone know when you’re talking about Tiger, you’re talking about Apple’s new OS!

    Apple’s new OS is full of Tigery goodness. Buy it now from Apple and get a slice of delicious Spotlight Pie.

    Masako, if you didn’t crash TigerDirect’s systems, I’m in big trouble.

    Oh, and I just got mine, so I’m offline for the next few hours (days?) while I fire this baby up!





  13. Hey TigerDirect! I’m holding my finger in front of your face (real close). Does that bother you, huh? Does it?

    *iTiger slowly moves his finger back and forth breathing heavily from Tigery Goodness and pie*

    Does IT bother you?

  14. BTW… are our sexbots going to get an the “Tigery Goodness” upgrade?

    I have to KNOW!

  15. Well, I bet I’ve topped all of you in what the Fed Ex guy dropped off at my door, not one but 2 (count ’em) boxes full of Tigery Goodness. The people who were doing the shipping accidentally sent 2 exact copies of the same order (educational discounted, too). Now I have one for the wife’s iBook, too. Not that I couldn’t have used the one copy for all, but, ya know from a legal perspective…well, not that the second copy is quite legit, but…OH, DAMN, now I have to return it!!!! %$#^%$^ morals…

  16. when i put the tiger install disc in it doesn’t run then!

    what gives????

  17. The disc doesn’t have legs. ‘Tiger’ isn’t to be taken literally…

    On a corny note, we rented ‘Two Brothers’ last night which is about two Tigers split apart by ***hole humans only to find themselves again and go home. Not a bad movie at all and my 3 1/2 year old daughter loved it.

    First install, after backup, went like a charm. Works grrreeaaat!!!

    (For all the Brits out there, Tony the Tiger says ‘The’re grrreaaat!!’ in order to sell lousy sugar-frosted corn flakes. I can’t remember seeing them when I was in England last…)

  18. Whooops, forgot to leave the tag line in case someone wanted to rip on me. I made the last post about the movie…

  19. Dear No Name Poster:

    You have used the trademarked words “Grrreeaaat” and tiger in the same sentence. We are seeking an immediate injunction. We promise you daughter will never go to college.

    Additionally, if you put a fake tiger tail to hang out of your gas cap on your car you will be hunted down and…. and…

    Damn…… I dropped my pie.

  20. Pie!? What kind of pie?! Better not be Pecan, that would be a collosal waste. Unless Baker’s Square made it, then it is pure gelatin. Bleagh. Uh, oh, I used another trademark name…Better make sure I don’t miss the Target next time…Aaaugh, again! This post certainly won’t be a Jewel in my collection. %$#%&^$, did it again…Best not to talk…

  21. We the Tamil Tigers of Eelam request Apple change the name of the new os x.

    We feel the calling of the new osx tiger demeans our cause.

    we suggest the name big cat.

  22. err General sir…

    We don’t actually make Frosted Flakes. that kellogg guy does. Please don’t shoot!

  23. The scary thing is, I’m pretty sure that widget fever advice would work. I remember having shareware fever back in the day. Killed it with coding knowledge. Darndest thing.

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