Inside Apple.


Microsoft spent considerable effort this week attempting to distract the technology industry and the general public from Tiger’s upcoming release by scheduling media events focusing on Longhorn, which is still over a year and a half away from being released.

Despite the already prodigious effort, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company intends to keep up the pressure next week, conducting the following activities in a continued attempt to attract attention to itself.

  • Standing on the edge of a diving board and yelling “Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!” until the technology industry looks.
  • Drinking way too much, calling its old girlfriend in a futile attempt to get back together and then sobbing and apologizing before hanging up and spending the rest of the night on the floor of the bathroom.
  • Hovering finger in front of technology industry, noting that it is not touching the technology industry and asking if that bugs the technology industry.
  • Running with scissors while flailing its arms in the air and yelling “La-la-la-la-la-la-la!”
  • Taking hostages in a Denny’s and forcing them to watch as it consumes five Grand Slam breakfasts. Then attempting to run a police blockade in its ’74 Charger before getting gunned down in a corn field after the car runs out of gas outside Tulsa.
  • Creating a media circus by announcing it’s running for public office and then tearfully dropping out of the race two days later amid allegations of an inappropriate relationship with a 19-year-old cabana boy.
  • Getting its nipples pierced.

Apple has not announced if it has any plans to counter Microsoft’s barrage with any cries for attention of its own. However, several sources indicate that the company has been practicing that trick where you spin plates on top of long sticks.

OK, just to be clear here…

Did. Not. Know. That.

41 thoughts on “Inside Apple.”

  2. I want my Tiger! Its supposed to be here tommorow and it hasent shipped yet! :sobs: :holds sexbot tightly:

  5. Missed again! But at least I already have my Tiger! Delivered today ….. mmmmm, tigerlicious!

  7. I hate you all.

    I don’t really mean that… Its the PTSD talking. (Pre Tiger Stress Disorder)… :twitch:

  9. about the shortage of grain in Hertfordshire. Everyone one of them knew that as time went by they’d get a little bit older and a little bit slower …. This was on the air force set thing

  13. I am deeply offended by Apple’s use of Khomeini. This country has a severe problem with the loss of jobs to the Far East. And now Apple starts a trend of outsourcing to the Mid East. NO GOOD can come of this!

    How’s that for a Poignant Tirade?

  16. I’d just like to draw your attention to a major new footware operating system being launched today called Shoehorn 1.0.

    Branded ‘a major step forward’ by the Hi-Tech

    sneaker manufacturers, the introduction of this new product will see huge reductions in dressing times, and its wipe clean silicon based manufacturing ensures enhanced virus protection from verrucas

    Also released today is Distraction 2.1, which reroutes fruit and wild animal dependant web searches to the Shoehorn website

    For more information see our website:-

    http://www.onecedarlane.com/itemglist.asp?groupid=5&categoryid=1

  17. I thought that Khomeini was working for Microsoft, in the Human Resources department. Does Steve Ballmer know about this?

  18. Bellidancer> very poignant!

    Question: Is head-bountying really against the law? Did someone check, finally?

    Is the expression «head-bountying» correct?

    What is the position of the new pope Benoit the 16th about this?

    And, finally, what is all this ‘tiger’ stuff you all talk about?

    Did I miss something important?

  20. Good Point Bellidancer! I am really offended that Apple would outsource the position of psychotic advisor with over aggressive tendencies overseas. There are enough Americans who could easily advice Jobs without the added cost of paying someone to raise the dead.

    In fact I think 80% of the posters at CARS could easily fill this position and only for half of those would you need to worry about them causing a Sexual Harassment Suit.

    In fact I think that position should be mine! I could do it. Just read my ramblings in the Mega-Post my sanity (or lack their of) and over-agressive nature are clearly defined. In fact I think I will use the Mega-Post as my resume for this position. Plus I have the added advantage of having kittens who are Masters of kitten-fu and a Script Kitty who could put a world of hurt on all of Wiley & Sons if needed.

    Thank you for your consideration.

  22. I had TPA reporters out covering this story, in fact Lars Lundrupp has just sent in a nice Fahrenheit 451 angle on the radio phone.

    But the Worldwide resources of the CARS organisation make it so hard for a young reporter today. We just can’t hold a candle to this. Classic.

    Can someone please tell me what I’m talking about because I just don’t know anymore?

  23. ColonelPanic’s mention of his copy of Tiger arriving prompts me to “share my pain,” which may be greater than dan’s pain (of not having a copy of Tiger yet) — my copy of Tiger arrived yesterday, but I can’t install it for up to several weeks yet!

    I need to be able to use CiscoVPN (due to that four-letter word, w-o-r-k), and CiscoVPN’s current version is broken under Tiger; Cisco is reporting that they won’t have a fixed version until mid-May!

    It’s torture! Arrrgh!

  30. I heard a rumor.

    Seems Apple iPods have become the hot thing to steal in the New York City subway. Thieves snatch the iPods off unsuspecting riders, then dash away as the subway doors close.

    The rumor: Most thieves say their victims’ music choices really suck.

  32. Hmmm… KHOMEINI = CTHULHU = MICROSOFT HR. I definitely smell a conspiracy here! Wait, oh, that’s me. Sorry.

    I am going to get my Tiger on tonight right before HHG2G!!

    ***jooooy***

    and

    grrrrrrrrrrrr.

    Anyone else bringing their towel?

  35. I’VE BEEN HOLDING OFF ON THE COMMENTS THIS TIME BECAUSE OF THE, WELL, LET’S JUST SAY THE UNSPEAKABLE HORROR OF IT ALL AND LEAVE IT AT THAT! NOW THAT MY EVIL NAME HAS BEEN KICKED AROUND A FEW TIMES I FIND THAT I DO HAVE TO WEIGH IN ON THE SUBJECT!!

    I WOULDN’T TOUCH THAT KHOMEINI GUY WITH A TEN-FOOT TENTACLE!!!

    STEVE’S GOING TO REGRET THIS ONE–I MEAN, YOU SHOULD SEE GLAARKU RIGHT NOW!!!!! HE’S MOPING AROUND WHINING “I’M SUPPOSED TO BE STEVE’S GO-TO DEMON-GOD…WHO IS THIS BEARDED WANKER ANYWAY???” THEN HE HIDES IN A BLACK-HOLE AND GOES INTO A SULK!!!!!!!

    I’M REALLY GETTING TIRED OF HEARING IT!!!!!!!!! I’D DEVOUR THIS KHOMEINI GUY’S SOUL, BUT YOU KNOW, HE HASN’T GOT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!

    I HATE “LITE” LUNCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  36. It’s simple nepotism.

    I think steve’s natural parents were Iranian or Persian or Syrian or Assyrian or Babylonian or Kurdish. Unca Khomeini!

    Besides, we’re “all God’s chillun.”

    Or is it “God, Allah’s chillin'”?

  37. Who would have thought my Mega-Post Resume would have gotten me so many job offers.

    Let me re-iterate that at this time I am interested in this position at Apple. Microsoft no matter how many times you call or email me I will not work for you. Also please stop sending the strippers. I do not find Steve Ballmer look-alikes attractive in the least! Plus they are getting sweat all over the place.

    SCO, Walmart, Blockbuster, Fed-Ex, & Hereti Corp I appreciate your kind offer,s but at this time you cannot pay me enough to help you.

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