04 May 05Our Apologies and Regrets.


Crazy Apple Rumors Site offers the following apologies and regrets in accordance with a federally-mandated court order and as part of several plea bargains with the European Union.

Ha-ha! Oh, man, did we get drunk that time in Berlin! Whoooo! Ha-ha! Yessir! Ha! Oh, my god! We were so drunk we had to get Howard to drive! Because you never give dogs alcohol. Mostly because of the gas. So, he’s going down the Autoban at like 120 MPH and we pass this busload of British retirees on holiday and Ugluk decides to moon them! Ha-ha! Now, remember, Howard doesn’t have any thumbs, so when Ugluk sticks his butt out the window… um…

Well. Anyway. That’s one of the things for which we apologize.

Ahem.

  • On several instances over the past six months we have referred to Tiger as “a large, carnivorous feline found in parts of Asia and Africa.” And, once, as “a big, man-eating kitty.” This should have read “an advanced operating system featuring file search capabilities and 64-bit technology.” These references have been fixed and we apologize for the errors.
  • Last week’s post about the thing with the guy who was suggesting the stuff and all was posted without knowledge about the other guy and the implications that the first guy had on the second guy because of his deal. This entry has been removed and we regret having posted it.
  • We’re all sitting here drinking shots of cheap rum laced with children’s Tylenol and ground-up Pez (Chet calls them “Candikazes”). This is almost certainly a mistake that we will regret in a couple of hours, if not sooner.
  • In general, we just seem to get a lot of really, really bad information and we just slap it up onto the site without thinking. I dunno. I think we’re just trying to get some attention, you know? Is that too much to ask? Huh? [sigh] We’re sorry.
  • Buying that huge cheese wheel to keep in the break room for people to snack on was a mistake. Now everyone’s all blocked up. It has been disposed of by taking it to a remote location and detonating it with several pounds of C4 explosive.
  • We bought all that crap from the Sharper Image catalog and it came yesterday. It’s just crap. It’s just a bunch of gadgety crap we don’t need. We’d send it back, but we already broke the little helicopter and we can’t find the 3-in-one flashlight, Swiss army knife and socket set. The only thing we like is the classic football game where the field vibrates and it moves the guys around. That doesn’t work at all, so it’s exactly like the originals.
  • Our Family Pack edition of Tiger arrived today and we danced around like a bunch of idiots for five minutes singing “WE ARE FAM-I-LY!” You know, it seemed kitschy and funny at the time, sort like it was OK because we knew it wasn’t cool, you know? But… now… Phew. I just don’t think any mitigating factor that makes that OK.

CARS continues to strive to learn from its mistakes and turn itself into the best darn Apple rumors and alien lesbian ninja-themed site on the Mac web.

No Responses to “Our Apologies and Regrets.”

  1. ...House says:

    First!

  2. ...House says:

    …It’s not tomorrow yet…. Well, okay, it is here, but not according to the post time.

  3. Senator K says:

    We are the THREE amigos!

  4. Bellidancer says:

    Darn! Too busy trying to compose something good. Darn you Streetrabbit! You jinked me!

    Great apologizing, by the way. I’m just sorry I didn’t get to see Howard driving a car full of CARS staffers, with Ugluk hand a moon out the window.

    Lousy Thirds

  5. mikey says:

    fifth???

  6. dAN says:

    6TH?

  7. Streetrabbit says:

    There’s no need to apologise, it’s just what we’ve come to expect from the internet these days. You can’t Google for anything without the first fifty hits being bloggers spewing their opinions. In fact just the other day I was looking for a possible cause of the sore throat I had. Next thing you know I’m taking my own tonsils out!

    Can I have one last set of free snow chains for Sixth!?

  8. ...House says:

    Soooo, that’s what happened to last Thursday’s post. I can understand now why it was necessary – what with all the implications and, um, stuff.

    Nice try Moltz, but inquiring minds still want to know the truth! (and those of you with “Enquiring” minds, well, actually that’s a contradiction of terms).

  9. Streetrabbit says:

    YAY It’s the hamsters!!!

  10. Streetrabbit says:

    No it’s not. Could it be The Lash Pit?

  11. ...House says:

    Eleventh!

  12. May says:

    I’m sorry for chewing gum in class.

  13. ...House says:

    And I’m sorry for gluing glass in chum (not that the sharks seemed to mind).

  14. ...House says:

    And I’m even sorrier that I couldn’t somehow resist that making that last post.

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    Nice quick eleven people. Tomorrow though I’d like to see the left wing used a bit more and Bellidancer sharpen up in defence. Good work.

  16. K.S. 3.0.6 says:

    SIGN THE ONLINE PETITION!!!

    SIGN THE ONLINE PETITION!!!

    details on last thursdays post NOW!!!

    MOLTZ!! are you listening??

  17. Ace Deuce says:

    I’m sorry you started without me. I thought we were a team, but all the good spots have been consumed, leaving only shards and crumbs.

    It’s like a battlefield after the fighting is over. Hey, dibs on that arrowhead!

  18. Seth says:

    May I be the first to say…. feliz cinco de mayo!

    05/05/05 bay-bee

  19. Cochrane says:

    There is no such thing as a plea bargain in most european countries, because it’s the judge who decides whether you’re guilty or not instead of you having to bargain with the other side. And 120MPH, that’s nothing.

  20. Huck says:

    “Last week’s post about the thing with the guy who was suggesting the stuff and all was posted without knowledge about the other guy and the implications that the first guy had on the second guy because of his deal. This entry has been removed and we regret having posted it.”

    Wow, I think there’s an explanation in there somewhere, but you haven’t exactly gone out of your way to call attention to it, have you? I mean, like actually telling anybody or anything.

    I did eventually find it though. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying ‘Beware of the Leopard’.

  21. Aimon says:

    I think last thursday’s post maybe struck a chord with Apple Legal…… c’mon dish the dirt or something. We are all here waiting for the dirt, it’s kinda what we live for.

    Dirt and alien lesbian ninja’s…… or dirty alien lesbian ninja’s, yeah that sounds better!

  22. scared monster says:

    And what about changing the names, like …er…let’s say Styf Works and Darth Vador? Bill G and Pope B the 16th? The Great Cool Operator and The Filthy Councellor Of Hate?

    Hell looks like a bunch of lawyer arguing about the weather together, so what’s the use to send them there?

    As John Lurie said; what do you know about music, you’re not a lawyer.

  23. Anonymous says:

    I am sorry I came to woork unzipped.

  24. Albert says:

    Is there a possibility that CARS is under threat of a fatwa though, are we more worried about apple legal or Sharia Law.

    I dunno myself having never met either of them…

  25. Small Paul says:

    Yeah, “We Are Family” singalongs *are* never justified.

    Uuuuhhhhgh.

  26. Jon says:

    I agree with K.S., Huck, et al., that a significantly less obfuscated explanation of the events surrounding last Thursday’s post is a perfectly reasonable request, Mr. Moltz, sir.

    So, then, please be so kind as to “spill the beans,” before this throng of admiring fans becomes an ugly mob (and if you think some are already ugly, you haven’t seen anything yet!)….

  27. ijit says:

    most autobahns in germany have no speed limit.

    only an advisory speed limit, which is at 130…

    I would also like to add my name to the petition. What the heck happened?

  28. RMR says:

    IRT last Thursday’s post, Moltz’s comments do not sound like he got stepped on by Apple legal. It sounds more like he found out something that made the post no longer quite as funny [“Did. Not. Know. That.”] Perhaps some sort of seriously negative connection between someone senior at Apple and Iranian religious leaders?

    So maybe it’s time to just let it go, and instead speculate whether the dancing guy in the Tiger suit may have been Rob Enderle?

    Although I have had this strange vision of a seriously weird Ayatollah “Think Different” poster in my head all morning.

  29. Del says:

    http://www.engadget.com/entry/1234000650042339/

    I don’t remember this option being available on the website when I ordered my Blue G3!

    I feel cheated.

  30. UhhhDude says:

    You can apologize for never sending me the free Mini Cooper like you promised.

    Possible hint regarding last Thursday: Avie. That’s all I’m saying. Make your own theories, and let’s all move on, holding hands together, singing “We are Family…”

    Well, OK. Nevermind on the singing part.

  31. greenacres says:

    If today’s date is 5-5-5 then next year we will have 6-6-6…just something to think about sinners! The end is coming! The apocolypse has drawn nigh! (I wonder what a ‘nigh’ looks like, or how is it drawn?) On 6-6-6, Longhorn (horn=devil) will be released! Let the suffering begin!

  32. Huck says:

    I, for one, am very ugly.

    Del! That is the greatest casemod ever!

  33. Del says:

    Huck after drinking a g3 full of beer no one is ugly.

    🙂

    Hell after drinking a g3 full of beer the one button mouse sounds like a good idea.

  34. Guessing guy says:

    I thought I heard that Steve Jobs is half middle eastern? Maybe that half is Iranian? Is that why the humor is gone?

  35. Guessing guy: His biological father was Egyptian, according to the Wikipædia. Not Persian. Hmm. (I can’t find a reliable source on that, though; WP doesn’t cite anything.)

    But the truth still must be out! Thus, even if you don’t have Freenet, you can see the Forbidden Article, right here on a fast Freenet gateway on the public web! Cookie!

    http://tinyurl.com/djng9

  36. appletweak says:

    I would like to apologize in advance for the following apology. I am sorry the the article from last thursday was removed and sorry for the irreparable harm it cause so many, and tell you EXACTLY why it happened…

    You see, the ardjnsdlvvlna snarf mj sdfnd cmm ufff owww *crash* *BANG!* skda nn,,c….

  37. Apple Legal says:

    We’re sorry, the previous poster will be unable to complete the aforementioned apology. Apple Legal makes no representations, express or implied, as to the reason that Apple Computer, Inc. of Cupertino, California should apologize for such a thing and those reading the previous should make no inferences about their involvement. In fact, such inferences may result in the intellectual property being improperly used according to our official ‘iRumors’ terms of use, which was trademarked and patented (#6,364,203) on the 4th day of April, 2004 (4/4/04). If you do not agree to the above terms or continue to make inferences despite being duly and responsibly warned, you may be subject to criminal, civil or other penalties including, but not limited to, incarceration, fines, public humiliation or being dipped headfirst into a vat of bread pudding.

  38. booby bloogerman says:

    what a great blog site!

    today i woke up made love to my girl

    Here’s how to:

    Begin by gently stroking her skin.

    then insert

    in out

    splurt.

    say i love you

    leave

  39. Streetrabbit says:

    120mph isn’t bad for a thumbless Labrador Retriever with just a hint of Wheaton Terrier.

    And don’t forget everything else that was going on in the car, jeez it’s bad enough having a couple of kids in the back but a Neanderthal mooning, I don’t know how I’d cope with that?

  40. noel aka leon says:

    Homer Simpson points out that “being dipped headfirst into a vat of bread pudding” isn’t so bad if it’s done slowly enough.

  41. JAV says:

    “Rushdie, the Indian novelist still under a death threat imposed by the now deceased Ayatollah Khomeini, has been in hiding for years, appearing only occasionally to make smart-assed and sardonic comments. Sounds like Steve Jobs to me. How do we know they aren’t the same person? Has anyone ever seen these two together? What an irony if Rushdie, when he is supposed to be in hiding from those Shiite assassins, is actually making cartoons for Disney and running Apple on the side.”

    http://www.pbs.org/cringely/pulpit/pulpit19980112.html

  42. Streetrabbit says:

    I’ve been analysing the replacement post and have discovered the following:

    If you take the original post;

    “Inside Apple.

    OK, just to be clear here…

    Did. Not. Know. That.”

    …it’s clearly the anagram of a phone call Moltz received from Jobs.

    JOBS – D.O.J. stink butt.

    MOLTZ – Woah tinker, clean sheet please.

    JOBS – Rid doop.

    The last comment from Jobs could be Klingon calling of the henchmen waiting to storm CARS central.

  43. Streetrabbit says:

    Sorry English Professor, that should be off.

  44. Adam says:

    And please behold this:

    « OK, just to be clear here…

    Did. Not. Know. That. »

    Is an anagram for:

    « Jobs, K’Twetdt, and Iran look to eech uther. »

    Yowser! Who is this “K’Twetdt,” I wonder, and how does he fit into this sinister puzzle?

  45. The K'Twetdt says:

    Behold the Rosetta Stone of the K’Twetdt, to be releasèd in four varying tongues — Australianese, Holy Roman Prussian, Megiberian, and Soviet Russian:

    I am the K’Twetdt!!!

    Ich bin der K’Twetdt!!!

    Soy el K’Twetdt!!!

    0K8g0Jon0KLQstC10YLQtNGCISEhCg== (Base64 decode it; CARS is biased against Soviet Russian, apparently.)

    Disclaimer: The K’Twetdt is not a Klingon, nor is he a supernatural entity. He is not an Iranian cleric either. But what he *is*? It is up to you — yes, YOU — to figure that out.