13 May 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

These days many businesses are taking a long look at the Mac. Today’s Help Desk answers their questions.

Q: Hmm.
A: It’s a Unix-based operating system.
Q: Hmm.
A: Have you looked at Spotlight? It’s a powerful search utility.
Q: Hmm.
A: Uh… Did you know you can connect a Mac client to a Windows network using Active Directory?
Q: Hmm.
A: And viruses and other malware are currently not a problem.
Q: Hmm.
A: So… what do you think?
Q: Hmm. I… I don’t know…
A: What?! What?! What?!
Q: It’s nice and all… it just… it just…
A: What?! What is it?!
Q: Well, Microsoft gave us t-shirts and stuff.
A: I’m sure we can get you some t-shirts.
Q: Hmm. That’s nice, but…
A: Were there… sexual… favors?
Q: I’m… not at liberty to say.
A: I knew it!
Q: You won’t… tell anyone will you?
A: Oh… no. No one reads this site.
Q: Wait… “site”?

Q: I have a Dell Dimension and I’m very eager to switch over to the Mac.
A: Excellent! Well, let me tell you, you won’t be sorry. Mac OS X 10.4 is the best operating system currently available. And the Mac hardware is second to none. You’re going to find your computing experience is going to be a lot more enjoyable from here on.
Q: Great! So, where do I go to get my free Mac?
A: Free…?
Q: Yeah. I was going to go with Linux because the OS is free, but then I thought, why not the Mac? Then I get the hardware for free, too!
A: Uh…
Q: I’m eager to get started. Do I just walk into an Apple Store and pick one up off the shelf or…
A: Uh… yeah. Yeah. That’s what they’re there for. Just… pick out one you like.
Q: OK! Thanks!
A: … Is he gone? Good. I just… I didn’t have the heart to tell him. I’m sure the whole thing will get straightened out at the Apple Store.

Q: Our enterprise environment has a client/server architecture that uses SQL Server as the back-end database platform and Terminal Services to deliver applications to Windows XP clients. How can the Mac fit into this environment?
A: The Mac is a superior client operating system. Deploying a Citrix client to Macintosh desktops will create an environment that will make your users more productive while reducing your support costs.
Q: …
A: …
A: Oh, jeez.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. math says:


  2. Feiler says:

    damn… only 2nd

  3. Chuckles the clown says:


  4. Bellidancer says:

    *looking around carefully*

    hello? Hello?


    Is this really CARS? WOW, the level of answers has gotten so much more professional. I am impressed!

    If this keeps up I just might start submitting tech questions too.

  5. Fifth!! says:

    Highest I’ve ever gotten!

  6. Jon says:

    Misplaced 11th!

  7. May says:

    I hear Apple may subcontract out their technical help to CARS. ……Of course, I just heard that a group of monkeys in the Cleveland Zoo have just completed Hamlet.

  8. Elijah Wood says:

    Q: I can’t do this Sam.

    A: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

  9. 9th! says:

    Last single digit post! Ha!

  10. appletweak says:

    premature eleventh postulation

  11. Streetrabbit says:

    On the money eleventh!

  12. Red Lantern, no batteries says:

    Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.

    — Homer Simpson


  13. Red Lantern, no batteries says:

    I’ll sacrifice myself for the 13th place, sparing all of you the trouble.

    You can thank me later.

  14. Grateful 14th says:

    Thanks, Red Lantern!

    Was that later enough?

  15. scared monster says:

    14th. I knew I should have waked earlier.

    I had the free Microsoft sexual services, too. Not worth the fuzz you make it. Bill makes it the same way you can imagine he does when you look at him. Like…er…press any key to continue, and so on…blue screens…boring, with an ugly interface…

    Steve does that better.

  16. scared monster says:


    I shouldn’t have told!

  17. Psyko says:

    I eat glue sticks, plastic and all. 🙂


  18. MacPower says:

    If you start giving the right answers to real questions, why is it a rumor site?

  19. scared monster says:

    I’m now unable to see if it’s a right answer; or the right question.

    I’m unable to distinguish right from wrong, so far.

    Or brushed metal from stripped thingie.

    Oh…that was yesterday.

  20. Lorem Ipsum says:

    Check this thing, Microsoft needs Macs to demo its xbox. Impressive.


  21. In danger of violating the posting rules by staying on one topic through more than one post, I’ll add to the post above, that Xbox 360 developers will have to develop on PowerMac G5s running the Xbox development software inside a special version of Windows.


  22. Rev says:

    Why couldn’t there have been a link for “Sexual Favors?” There was a link for “T-Shirts.” Wait…

    Is Ugluk putting out?

  23. 2000guitars says:

    here’s your link–


    oh, sorry–fervor, favor, schmavor, whatever

  24. Del says:

    Yes, but you are missing the point. As nifty as the G5 is It will be running WINDOWS.

    I am at a loss of what to even say about that.

  25. greenacres says:

    It’s not much of a sexual favor for ‘Micro”Soft’ types…30 seconds over Tokyo and…it’s over. Why one hooker could handle the whole IT department in 15 minutes! Now that’s bang for your buck!

  26. Sexbot says:

    I have told them over and over again, don’t send an engineer to do a sexbot’s job!

    I’ll leave the punnery to others.

    Terminating communication