16 May 05Stream Of Consciousness Editorial


I’d like to talk about subject that’s near and dear to the hearts of Mac users anywhere.

Ladies undergarments. I’m wearing them – something more sleek than frilly – but you’ll never guess where.

But that won’t stop certain na’er-do-wells from from complaining that Apple needs to improve its customer service or that there are massive quality control issues with Apple’s products or that the particular Power Mac they bought was filled with peanut butter and they didn’t order any factory-installed peanut butter.

Which brings me to another point: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Can I believe it’s not butter? Sure. But I’ve been eating margarine for over 35 years, often by the tub-full, and I can’t believe I’ve only now come to recognize how great I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is.

Still, there are a number of reasons one might take umbrage at claims that the Mac is not as fast as its PC competitors. The first is the sense of ennui brought on by facing an early 21st century angst about post-boom economic realities that force a certain Machiavellian necessity about one’s sense of place in a difficult job market.

The third is a quarter cup of lemon juice poured directly onto one’s eyeball, while a sack full of earwigs is emptied into the pants. It’s as painful a method I know of to attract attention to the value of using a stable, Unix-based operating system in corporate enterprise environments. But, as they say, no pain, no gain.

They also talk a lot about the need to get vertical market applications for would-be switchers in the medical colonoscopy field, but I wouldn’t want to be part of that beta program, would you?

There are several reasons to suspect that Apple Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson has been nagged by severe psoriasis over the last few weeks, not the least of which is the prodigious piles of his own skin that have been found under every chair he’s been in. That’s of little concern to PowerBook users who have spotty Airport reception, though. Tell them about it, and you’ll get hit in the head with a sock full of chiggers.

In conclusion, there are many valid arguments to be made that Spotlight is nothing but eye candy that just happens to have substantial functionality that isn’t available in any competing operating system. Unfortunately, these arguments are currently only being made by monkeys in little fez hats and can hardly be taken seriously.

No Responses to “Stream Of Consciousness Editorial”

  1. Hey, the first two posts are both by rabbits! How about that.

  2. Streetrabbit says:

    Rabbits rock.

    I know getting first post within a minute looks like I’d been hitting refresh all weekend, but the way it happened…I was working away with the Unicenters and the SQLs when at 3:22pm (10:22pm CARS Mountain Time) a strange almost ghostly presence seemed to say to me “looook at CARS, loook at CARS”

    I generally don’t pay any heed to the voices but this time I did and…well the rest as they say is history. I saw the golden glow of the (0) and a few seconds later the prizes arrived.

    It’s getting hard to explain all the ferrets running around the place so maybe just a CARS pen or t-shirt for future 1st places.

    And speaking of t-shirts, seems Moltz is not the only one with something to say.

    http://www.britneyspears.com/letters.php

  3. dan says:

    fifth again!

  4. damngoodreason says:

    yee!

  5. Senator K says:

    That’s it, Moltz has gone off the deep end. I’m taking over since I’m next in the chain of command.

    It’s all there in the CARS Constitution, check it if you like.

  6. Jon says:

    I hate chiggers. They’re nasty, useless, stupid arthropods. Any chiggers out there who got a problem with that can meet me in the church parking lot after school.

  7. 2000guitars says:

    prodigious piles of skin??? niiiiiice

  8. Huck says:

    Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeleben!

  9. appletweak says:

    I would say less stream of consciousness more stream of random-slightly-revoltingness.

    Doesn’t stream of conscious-type writing imply a connection (albeit sometimes hidden one) between thought? I that vein I will attempt to decipher Moltz’s disturbed psyche…

    Panties are what get in a bunch when a one experiences poor customer service and Power Mac’s sound like Power Bars which come in yummy peanut butter flavor. Butter obviously runs into I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, but the connection between it and 21st century angst about post-boom economies is less clear: Machiavelli used to slather his genitals with butter before eating sacks full of lemon drops (the candy, and yes, they were available), subsequently dropped into the eye which is better than using windows; and we all know that using windows is like getting a colonoscopy with a rusty spade (garden, not card suit). Nagging psoriasis is often brought on by sitting too close to an overclocked Airport base station which, if coated in afore-mentioned peanut butter, will, in fact, attract approximately one sock full of chiggers (roughly 8 luma luma stones in Balinese weight measurement). Balinese happen to coat chiggers with sweetened monkey feces and eat them for candy who then get slightly loopy and giving colonscopies to local unsuspecting monkeys.

    See, it all makes sense now. I think.

  10. appletweak says:

    CARS Grammar Teacher, please ignoring the previous post’s multiple and gratuitous verb disagreeitude.

  11. Shit I laughed reading the story today 😀

    …and since no one claimed it when it was, I’ll do it now (better late than never).

    11th post!

  12. That guy again says:

    Oh. Wait.

  13. Huck says:

    Neener neener neeeener!

  14. Bellidancer says:

    I disagree appletweak. I think this is a credible reply to the Crazy English Teacher questioning John’s ability to write in a true stream of consciousness mode. While I would agree with your critique that John’s consciousness is less a calm and mild stream that smoothly flows amidst a pleasant meadow than a mad mountain brook tumbling down a rocky cliff face, still, who are we to judge the functioning and, yes, sanity of John’s mind? I for one don’t feel qualified to comment on anothers writing after that last sentence of mine.

    Wow, there’s plenty of fodder for both the Crazy English Teacher and Dr. Freud in this story and set of comments.

  15. step says:

    Great story! hehe …. uh, hi. I’ll go away now.

  16. UhhhDude says:

    I tried writing in stream-of-consciousness once, but I forgot to bring my paddle. And I hate being up a creek without a you-know-what, because it reminds me of some Pixar movie, the title of which escapes me. Well, Steve Jobs hasn’t published a book of selected works, even though he hates his unauthorized bio enough to carpet-bomb the publisher. And are those chiggers in my wall-to-wall carpet? And what the hell does any of this have to do with the fact that I don’t have Tiger yet?

    Anyway, lesbian ninja sexbots.

  17. Anonymous says:

    Moltz, are you wearing ladies jogging socks again? That’s so lame. Surely you could get a little more risque with the ladies undergarments.

  18. blank says:

    When I first read this installment of CARS, I was impressed. I mean, two stream-of-consciousness editorials in two weeks, how can one not be impressed?

    Then I realized that this one was just last week’s pasted into Sherlock’s translation feature, translated into Japanese, then into Esperanto, then into Korean, and finally back to english.

    Try it, and I think you’ll see what I mean. It’s a simpler form of the method used to create most legal documents.

  19. appletweak says:

    Did. Know. That.

  20. Dr. Strangelove says:

    Dear Mr. Moltz,

    You know we have had this discussion before… The wearing of ladies undergarments. It is the “you’ll never guess where” comment that has me concerned.

    We have gone through the used ladies underwear on the head thing in September of last year… you remember don’t you? Clean is OK… used in not so OK (except in special circumstances with drinking involved). We discussed the advantages of “freshly used” and the “1 week in the hamper used”… remember? You admitted fresh is better.

    John, we need to talk. How about Wednesday at 2:00PM in my office. Is that good for you?

    Please respond for I think you are in crisis, again.

  21. Red Lantern, Dead Battery says:

    Okay, here goes nothing….

    Cincinnati, Ohio?

    Philadelphia, Pennsylvania?

    Tooele, Utah?

    Eureka, California?

    You’re right, I can’t guess where. *sigh*

  22. Adam says:

    “monkeys in little fez hats”

    As if there’s any other kind!

  23. John, John, John.

    I’ve looked from afar on this stream on consciousness thing, well, okay, I’ve been going through your trash (and by the way, I’m pretty sure Lesbian Ninja Sexbot batteries are recyclable, which would really cut down on your trash, you know?) and I’m concerned.

    It’s the Mariners, isn’t it? Sure they’re in last place, but so are the A’s — and that means just one thing: Billy Beane is seething, seething in a crazed Steve Jobs angry at an employee for stealing his tofu kind of of angry.

    Because, really, at the end of the day, it’s not about being happy. It’s about enjoying other people being unhappy.

    I’d suggest you stop by my site (and while the magazine staff is suffering greatly under the Jobsian whip of yours truly), except that all the Mets and Yankee fans are very happy. No, not because they’re winning, but because finally local officials have been putting tons of lithium in the water.

  24. scared monster says:

    please, someone telle me: is that me or there is no reason n#2?

    Did they get that recognition program fixed? The one that only lets me see the parts of sites I am able to bear?

    Did they crush my pills in my food again?

    Can’t I really wear throngs with a unix-based fez hat?

  25. Anonymous says:

    “Tell them about it, and you’ll get hit in the head with a sock full of chiggers.”

    Good Lord! Don’t you know they prefer being called Chegroes?

  26. Anonymous says:

    Actually, scared monster, you can’t wear throngs at all. They would surely crush you.

  27. spell Czech says:

    and really, it’s ne’er do well, but who’s checking?

    oh

  28. Mr. Tee says:

    Anonymous, I pity you, fool.

  29. Streetrabbit says:

    Shouldn’t that be Spell Czech spell Czech?

  30. Anonymous says:

    Shouldn’t that be Street Rabbit?

  31. Bellidancer says:

    Shouldn’t that be Anonymous.

  32. 2000guitars says:

    sorry that’s the first time I’ve been the spell Czech OR the Spell Czech and I guess I just blue it

    heh heh

  33. Streetrabbit says:

    Ifmyspacebarwasworkingitwouldbe.

    OhGod.

    Hurryupwiththenewstory!It’sgettin’prettylamehere.

  34. Bellidancer says:

    Whoaaaaa! You mean the Spell Czech persona is a virtual poster we can “pass around”? I’ve never posted as the Spell Czech. Kool!

  35. Spell Czech says:

    Hey Bellidancer!

    Cool is spelled with a “c”. Quit trying to be hip.

  36. Streetrabbit says:

    Would the real Spell Czech take two steps forward.

  37. Spell Czech says:

    never!!