17 May 05CARS Hires New Staff Member!


As we announced last week, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has been in the process of hiring a new staff member.

Ha-ha! “Member.”

Anyway, what was not revealed is that the individual we’ve been interviewing is a major player in the Macintosh community, a veritable household name.

In households that have Macs, of course.

But today I am pleased – nay, thrilled – to announce that the legendary Thor Samson has joined the CARS family.

Yes, you heard right. Thor Samson.

His name rolls trippingly off the tongue. His deeds are legendary. His sinewy biceps glisten with a fine oil. Both a mover and a shaker, Thor Samson is as equally comfortable using a Mac as he is with any of the deadly arts. Renowned for his ability to speak with trees, he is equally fluent in 17 human languages, including several forms of Cherokee that are no longer actively spoken.

The negotiations were lengthy. As a matter of fact, I eventually agreed to his stipulation that, in the event of an emergency, he be allowed to use any other CARS staff member (ha-ha!) as a human shield.

I didn’t relish the thought of one of us being held in front of him, taking bullet after bullet to the torso with nothing to do about it but to jerk spasmodically. But…

Thor Samson.

That’s exactly the kind of guy you want to use you as a human shield.

Here’s a picture of Thor his publicist sent over and Howard scanned in.

He looks remarkably like a young Tony Curtis, doesn’t he?

Thor has close personal relationships with each member of Apple’s executive corps, and his beat with CARS will be something akin to a “high society” Mac column. Let’s take a peek at part of a sample column Thor provided us during the interview process:

Schiller and I pulled off the road 23 miles outside Vegas. Our all-night binge on donuts and 24-year-old scotch, slaked by nothing but bottles full of the moist dew that forms on the upper lip of female Japanese junior high school phys ed students during their equivalent of the Presidential Fitness Test had taken its toll. We relieved ourselves upon the barren sand of the desert and returned to the 1962 cherry red Mustang prototype where Gloria and Clarice lounged seductively, feeding each other strawberries and drinking whipping cream from the carton, letting it spill over their ample bosoms.

Mmm. Yes.

Please join the staff of CARS in welcoming its newest member (ha-ha!), Thor Samson.

No Responses to “CARS Hires New Staff Member!”

  1. 2000guitars says:

    First, of course.

  2. Feiler says:

    Secondest

  3. Jon says:

    Second?!

  4. Jon says:

    Dang. Not as second as I could be.

  5. cdn, eh? says:

    trois.

  6. 2000guitars says:

    Member to member, of course, he doesn’t sound too bad…

  7. cdn, eh? says:

    apparently, “trois” is the new translation for “fifth!”

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    Zeroth

    First

    Second

    Third

    Fourth

    Fifth

    Sixth

    Seventh

    Eighth

    Ninth

    Tenth

    Eleventh

    Twelfth

    Baker’s Dozenth

    Umpteenth

    Nth

    It’s nice to be reconnected after a week on vacation with no internet access.

    Thanks, CARS; I feel more like I do now than I diid before!

  9. ...House says:

    And “eighth” is the new translation for…umm…well….

  10. ...House says:

    …9th!, of course….

  11. ...House says:

    and as long as I’m stacking…

  12. ...House says:

    11th!

  13. PoisedNoise says:

    Yeah Cdn eh, your French immersion clearly wasn’t quite as immersing as it should have been…..

    …speaking of immersing, I’m glad that quote from Thor stopped where it did – I have the feeling it was about to get rather rude…

    And surely it should be that they returned _to_ the Red Mustang. No-one in their right mind would actually just _return_ a Red Mustang prototype where Gloria and Clarice blah blah blah. Particularly out in the desert where there’s no-one other than a roadrunner or something to return it to.

  14. PoisedNoise says:

    And someone ban ….House for me. That was just rude.

  15. ...House says:

    Ahem, that’s …House to you, you pretentious cacophony!

  16. We do the Tony Curtis rumors OK?

    Punk ass.

  17. Huck says:

    …House

    I don’t get it! What does it mean?

    OMGWTF pic plz.

  18. Streetrabbit says:

    What’s a Colunist?

  19. Senator K says:

    If anybody wants to discuss the PowerPC chips inside the new PS3s, I’ll be in the next room…w/Danger Samson!

  20. scared monster says:

    Where did I hear something about roadrunners with whipping cream?

    By the way, drinking whipping cream from the carton…shouldn’t it be whipped before?

    Am I 20th again?

  21. Aimon says:

    Just so you all know, i call shot-gun on tomorrow’s first post.

  22. Ozi says:

    Welcome to the new Mr. Winky of the team. Good on you.

  23. Aimon's best friend says:

    He’s gonna be first, all right. I guess you can all sleep normally for once.

  24. Ijit says:

    agreed, streetrabit, I wanna know what a colunist is.

    is it something to do with inspecting coluns? what ever they are…

    (check the meet the staff page moltzy)

  25. scared monster says:

    I think about it: maybe the schiller mentioned is the XIXth century german poet? The story with the car and all looks like it…

  26. blank says:

    I was with you up to the part about the 1962 Mustang prototype. Too bad the earliest model, prototype or otherwise, was the 1964 1/2.

    Now I don’t believe a word of it.

  27. Zion42 says:

    Sounds like someone at CARS was watching Venture Bros on Adult swim.

    Your Thor Samson sounds an awful lot like Brock Samson

    http://www.adultswim.com/shows/venturebros/index.html

    I rest my case

  28. Bellidancer says:

    I am speechless. Fortunately, this is a visual media. (**Warning** – Poignant Rant to follow!)

    Is this the best CARS can do? At first I wondered why I hadn’t heard of Thor before. I was afraid I was out of the loop, clueless. I googled “Thor Samson” to see just what his previous body of work entailed. THERE IS NO BODY OF WORK! Either Thor is a complete Internet newbie, or the whole Thor persona is a mere alias John has created to shield himself from reprisals by crazed Schiller fan. The first possibility is perhaps the most disturbing. If “Thor” is a real person, then the only body of work CARS is interested in must be Thor’s actual body. Unless Masako was in charge of new hires this week, I shudder to think what this says about the CARS staff. Especially with the TWO word plays in the final line, “Please join the staff of CARS in welcoming its newest member (ha-ha!), Thor Samson”. Aaarrgggh! Bad mental images! Bad mental images!

  29. Del says:

    Something tells me that unless Thor is short for Thorina or Thorretta Masako Yamamoto would not be impressed by his body.

    Also something tells me that Masako has a little more integrity than the rest of the staff. She would only hire someone if they could bring an important skill to the staff, you know like the ability to play Marathon for hours on end (and be good at it).

  30. Ace Deuce says:

    So his colun, er column will run every Thor’s Day?

    And he’s a Shaker! Love those chairs neatly hung on the wall.

    But what happened to affirmative action? Shouldn’t the new staff member be a heterosexual female with rainbow skin?

  31. Del says:

    If we are going to talk affirmative action I find it appalling that the squirrel & pony groups are not represented by the CARS staff at all! I understand the difficulties in getting squirrels and dogs to get along. (Especially a dog with the specieist tendencies that terriers sometimes have). But both squirrels and ponies are very avid Apple fans and could bring a lot of good information to the site. Really we all just need to get a long and CARS is the perfect place to start.

    Think about it, both squirrels and ponies make great spies and would be excellent sources for “Inside Apple” articles . When you consider that you may even be able to get the ponies of all the Apple Executives to give you info you would be WAY ahead of the other rumors sites. Ponies are such gossips and your ponies could find out lots of infomation.

    The squirrels besides being able to sneak into meetings would probably be able to scamper into labs and steal prototype products for you. (Well *small* prototype products. I have problems imagining even a fleet of squirrels getting out of Apple HQ with a G5).

    Instead you have a Tony Curtis look a like. I’m a little disappointed. Don’t you have enough hot, muscular, oiled up, heterosexual men around there? Oh, right computer geeks. Sorry, my fault, I guess you were lacking someone of that type in your office.

  32. The Sponge says:

    A new member? Wow! This means you guys are making enough money to hire a new member. Oh, and wang. Ha ha!

  33. Chris says:

    I was pulling for the brothers Thor and Big Red Heine, big names here in Ohio. You’ve heard of the Heine Winery, no?

  34. Bellidancer says:

    Del, I think you are overhyping the value of squirrels as spies. Yes, they can sneak into meetings… Yes, they can smuggle out super secret prototypes in their cheeks (I once saw a squirrel with an entire toaster oven in one cheek and a loaf of beard in the other!) But squirrels are too flaky to provide coherent reports. John should have a squirrel write the Monday column because squirrels are true masters of stream of consciousness thinking. The bigger problem, and one that also rules out squirrels out as tech cat burglars, is the only thing that can hold their attention is food. I can just see CARS send a secret special spy squirrel squad in to spy on a secret Apple iPhone meeting. On debriefing the squirrels you’d get a two hour rap on the Thai vegan appetizers and find the only thing they smuggled out is Thai Corn Fritters.

    And Ponies! Sure ponies are awful gossips. They also lie as soon as breathe. Especially the mean ones (and they ALL have a mean streak, some just more than others) And don’t think you could tell when they are lying either. Ponies have great poker faces. In fact, you’ve all seen those painting of dogs playing cards? Well ponies could clean those dogs’ clocks any night of the week!

  35. John Moltz says:

    1962 Mustang prototype:

    http://okmustangs.com/history/proto.html

    Please do not impugn our research abilities.

  36. Streetrabbit says:

    Will Thor perform feats of great strength and will there be thunder?

    What about goats, will there be a goat drawn chariot?

  37. Del says:

    Good points Bellidancer. Squirrel’s are easily distracted by food, but they tend to drag home everything they can with an apple logo on it because they think it is a food product. I got my iPod that way though it does have a few squirrel teeth marks on it and I had to clean squirrel saliva off of it.

    I wouldn’t worry about the ponies lying though. Sure you get 50% truth and 50% lies, but isn’t that 75% more truth than what we usually get from Chet’s stories?

  38. Chris says:

    Will the real Tony Curtis please stand up? (And I mean that in the best possible way.)

  39. Bellidancer says:

    Well, sure ponies would certainly be more reliable than Chet, or Paul Thurrot, or MacOSRumors, but that is actually not good. With Thurrot or MacOSRumors, I know they will be 100% wrong so I know that the opposite is 100% right! If Chet is 75% wrong, then I always bet against him unless there’s a line. With ponies, it’s a coin toss.

    In other words….

    If Thurrot or MacOSRumors told me Apple’s stock was going to fall ten points next week, I would mortgage my house and buy Apple stock.

    If Chet told me Apple’s stock was going to fall ten points next week, I would empty my checking account to buy Apple stock.

    If a pony told me Apple’s stock was going to fall ten points next week, I wouldn’t know what to do.

    See, finding someone who is always wrong is a great treasure.

  40. John Moltz says:

    For the record, we don’t watch Venture Bros.

    At any rate, “Thor Samson” is Thor’s name. It’s not like I could change it or anything.

  41. Let me know if you need me to vouch for anything.

    I have lots of extra vouchers!

    w¡nky

  42. Del says:

    Ah but Bellidancer just because they are wrong doesn’t mean the exact opposite is correct. If they said Apple stock was going to drop 10 points yes they’d be wrong, but that could mean Apple stock would drop 30 pts or drop 1 pt or eve gain a few points (though that wouldn’t be enough to cover what you’d lose in getting the mortgage.)

  43. 2000guitars says:

    Hey Moltz is reading the comments! Who knew?

  44. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR!

    THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR!

    THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR!

    THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR! THOR!

  45. Sigmund Freud says:

    ‘zis is a very interesting development.

    Apparently Howard has split off another perzonality – Thor.

    Thor is ze name of ze Norse God of War. He carried his famed “hammer”, and rode around in ze goat-driven chariot.

    Howard, who as you know is neutered (despite much humping of ze legs), seems to express his supressed sexual desires through the creation of multiple perzonalities – like John. Now he has created ze super-Male ego – Thor! Running around with Mr. Schiller and their big “hammers”.

    Very interesting in deed!

  46. Fyodor Dostoyevsky says:

    Hey what happened to my application?