18 May 05This Is Thor Samson.


John asked me to take today’s post to introduce myself. He explained that Crazy Apple Rumors Site readers are notoriously skittish about changes to the site.

He also said you’re skittish about miniature ponies and mixed green salads.

I can assure you I’m neither.

But what can I tell you about myself that you haven’t already read in the pages of Esquire, Maxim, Playboy and Macworld?

Enough to fill volumes.

Every day I take life by the neck and suck it dry, much like the grapefruit-sized spiders of the Brazilian rain forest (several of which I keep as pets) do to small monkeys and tapirs. My appetites are voracious, my methods of satisfying them direct and expedient.

For example, the other day I had an itch on my left thigh. Rather than scratch it idly for several minutes, I deliberately dragged a sharp wire brush across the area once, scoring it deeply and raising pools of my own blood. Several of my personal entourage of bisexual nymphomaniacal Greek coeds quickly drained and bandaged the wound, saving the fluid for donation to my program of providing my own plasma to the victims of Bengal tiger attacks in Bhutan.

That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about.

I live large. I own a miniature daschund that I’ve had genetically altered so he’s the size of a Chevy Suburban. I likewise own a special edition Mac mini – given to me by Steve Jobs himself – that you could land a Piasecki H-25 Army Mule cargo helicopter on.

Long ago I recognized the superiority of the Mac and made it a point to form a lasting bond with the company. When Nancy Heinen’s niece was held captive by Basque separatists, I led the strike force that rescued her and eliminated the threat. When Jon Rubinstein needed a Biggs Darklighter action figure to complete his original Star Wars set, I personally worked George Lucas over with a stone rolling pin until he revealed the location of one. When Avie Tevanian wanted tickets to see the Spin Doctors, I talked him out of it.

My knowledge of the OS X operating system is only surpassed by my familiarity with the folklore of Hmong tribes of Thailand, whom I spent several years with as a teenager. I hope that my expertise in all Apple matters will prove useful in my tenure at CARS and that my frequent dalliances with buxom celebrities will not be too much of a distraction.

For you, the reader, I will endeavor to entertain as well as educate. If I can provide you valuable insights to the personal lives of Apple executives by relaying stories of the sex parties, drug addled vision quests and tearful recriminations the next day, I will.

I may also just relay those because they make good copy. And that’s what I’m about. Good copy.

So here’s to it.

No Responses to “This Is Thor Samson.”

  1. Feiler says:

    Ha HAHA

  2. Feiler says:

    And it’s my BIRTHDAY, so there!

  3. K.S. 3.0.9 says:

    threeeee

  4. Aimon says:

    Fourth.

    Tomorrow the first post will be mine.

    Stupid phonecall I made stopped this time, but tomorrow nothing will be in my way mmwwwhahahahahahahahahahahaha (evil laugh)

  5. PoisedNoise says:

    Couldn’t care less were I am in the post wars (yeah right).

    Good article though. Wire brush. 🙂

  6. The Sponge says:

    *soak*

  7. Streetrabbit says:

    Yay! bisexual coeds.

  8. mutle says:

    EIGHTH!

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Welcome to CARS, Thug!

    Ninth!

  10. ergo says:

    Number nine…Number nine…

    All Lennons aside, why when I read Thor’s column do I hear the voice of Zapf Brannigan?

  11. Ace Deuce says:

    By the way, Mr. Samson: do you need a sidekick?

  12. 2000guitars says:

    What a load of trype! Wouldn’t you need THREE mini’s to land an Army Mule on? Not that I don’t believe the story or anything…

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    One wheel on each? I see what your saying.

    Yeah! What gives Thor?

  14. PoisedNoise says:

    No you dolts, the point is that it’s a MONSTER mac mini. Read the article. Sheesh.

  15. 2000guitars says:

    Riiiiight. So wouldn’t it be a mac maxi then, if it was that big?

    Huh? Huh?

  16. Huck says:

    Thor, the question everyone is asking now is:

    How big are your boobies?

  17. Streetrabbit says:

    Oh I see, one landing pad sized Mac Mini.

    ….He has that kinda pull?

    What a coup for CARS!

    (??? there’s a showtune in there somewhere)

  18. Fanboy says:

    Who would win between Thor Samson and Hercules? (Let’s say Hercules was played by Victor Mature.)

  19. Garnack says:

    Is anyone else begining to suspect that Thor may be a figment of Howards imagination? Something he dreamed up because no one would believe that a talking dog could do all those things.

  20. ergo says:

    Number nine…Number nine…

    All Lennons aside, why when I read Thor’s column do I hear the voice of Zapf Brannigan?

  21. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    I’m beginning to think that Thor is actually J. Peterman from Seinfeld. Their anecdotes sound remarkably similar.

  22. Del says:

    Yay ponies!

  23. Streetrabbit says:

    So with the bisexual coeds, is there any chance –CONTENT FILTER :Content filter has deleted this message. Content type: Adult Content. CONTENT FILTER–

  24. Ozi says:

    no tractors, though, Del. Sorry.

  25. iTiger says:

    I think Thors first duty should be to find the missing post! If anyone can Thor can!

  26. Bellidancer says:

    Streetrabbit, try putting that in the form of a haiku, The content filter usually lets those through. (I think the content filter gets bored by poetry, so it stops reading those within the first couple words.)

  27. micahgartman says:

    What’s wrong with the Spin Doctors?

    “What time is it?”

    “It’s 4:30”

    “That’s late.”

    “No–it’s early!”

    I doubt some hack named “Thor” could write anything as meaningful as that…

    mg

  28. laffin' larry LVXII says:

    laffin’

  29. Del says:

    Let’s check your theory Bellidancer. My Haiku muscles are a little rusty.

    Oh sexy co-eds

    Your Bisexuality

    intrigues me greatly

    I want you to rub

    your dripping *$ #@* *$#()%_$#

    against my $*(*#()@ #@)(#*@)#

    Hmm… the filter still got it.

    Who would have thought it would object to : waxing mittens & clean car?

    I thought this was one of those co-ed car washes. I guess not.

  30. greenacres says:

    The question is, what ISN’T wrong with the Spin Doctors. They had their moment in the spotlight (not Apple’s Spotlight, Apple Legal) and they will probably spend the rest of their lives playing for state fairs like BTO or Survivor or Quarterflash or Loverboy or Thor Sam…ooops, hehe, sorry to bring that up Thor…Really, I’m sure you’ll have another hit someday. Try pairing with someone talented, I mean, uh, someone currently with..a…hit..(digs hole deep into the earth)

  31. Bellidancer says:

    Del, I am sitting here blushing! It came through to my machine unfiltered!

  32. Del says:

    I swear I was just trying to get my car washed.

  33. Jason Young says:

    “And that’s what I’m about. Good copy”

    Pffft. The last of the first of many lies.

    And we are so *not* skittish about minature ponies. Minature clowns yes.

  34. Ace Deuce says:

    Even Thor has weaknesses, a nemesis, a Delilah. He will stumble, get his hair reprocessed, and lose the bulk of his powers.

    He’ll end up less than superhuman, mark my words.

    He’ll eventually become more Moltzian.

  35. paul says:

    If you

    want to call me baby

    just go ahead now.

    And if you’d

    like to tell me maybe

    just go ahead now.

  36. Anonymous says:

    err Ace Deuce…

    Acording to my copy of bible stories for athiests your thinking of Samson, not Thor. what keeps Thor up at night remains a mystery. Hmm maybe thunder.

  37. Anonymous says:

    err unnamed…

    That is assuming that Samson was a given name not a surname… crap! do gods and mythical characters have surnames?

  38. Chris says:

    I’m a little Thor today.

  39. Psyko says:

    Thor is stupid.

    Psyko is cool

    MARK

  40. Psyko says:

    (I’m just kidding, he really isn’t stupid. I am cool though.)

    MARK

  41. Psyko says:

    Oh wait, I just read about him on the staff page, he is kind of stupid.

    MARK

  42. Psyko says:

    HAHA, I was just kidding again. You people are too easy.

    MARK

  43. weedle says:

    Easy, yes

    Cheap, no

  44. ...House says:

    So, when Thor says, “…I’m neither”, does he mean that he is neither a miniature pony nor a mixed green salad (which certainly seems plausible albeit unnecessary to state) and thus we need not feel skittish about him. Or does he mean he is skittish about neither of them (which, frankly, seems equally plausible), and so nyah, nyah to all of those who are…? I’m sure there’s something more I could add to this to actually make it seem humorous, but it’s late (here) and I’m tired….

  45. bz says:

    Since no one has officially claimed first post, and we all know the rule…

    FIRST POST!!!!!

  46. Darth Vader says:

    SSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH….POOOOOOHHHHHH…

    SSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH….POOOOOOHHHHHH…

    LET US SEE, YOUNG THOR, HOW WELL YOU CAN RESIST THE WILES OF THE DARK SIDE!

    SSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH….POOOOOOHHHHHH…

    BESIDES, WE GOT GREAT BENEFITS. AND CHECK OUT THIS COOL HOODIE!

    SSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH….POOOOOOHHHHHH…

    SERVE THE DARK SIDE…AND GET A FREE VERIZON PHONE. I’VE GOT THE HOOK-UP!

  47. mac_man says:

    Latest first post ever! (It’s up ^^ there somewhere)

  48. Hey, you obviously are a fraud. Hmong people aren’t from Thailand, they’re from Laos. No, not the small bug that gets in kids’ hair, the country that sits on the western border of Cambodia like a boil on the rump of Scott Savol.

    I used to drive Hmong refugees to the doctor to get treatment for Tuberculosis. And they never once said they were from Thailand, or had a visit from an American egomanic who makes Rush Limbaugh (who uses Macs!) sound humble.

    So I say to you, get over yourself before we really call you to task!

    Well, actaully, I already have a task for you.

    LICK MY BOOTS!

  49. The only thunder coming from Thor these days is from that bean burrito he got at Taco Bell.

    I could use a little bolt of lightning now and again…sigh…