John asked me to take today’s post to introduce myself. He explained that Crazy Apple Rumors Site readers are notoriously skittish about changes to the site.
He also said you’re skittish about miniature ponies and mixed green salads.
I can assure you I’m neither.
But what can I tell you about myself that you haven’t already read in the pages of Esquire, Maxim, Playboy and Macworld?
Enough to fill volumes.
Every day I take life by the neck and suck it dry, much like the grapefruit-sized spiders of the Brazilian rain forest (several of which I keep as pets) do to small monkeys and tapirs. My appetites are voracious, my methods of satisfying them direct and expedient.
For example, the other day I had an itch on my left thigh. Rather than scratch it idly for several minutes, I deliberately dragged a sharp wire brush across the area once, scoring it deeply and raising pools of my own blood. Several of my personal entourage of bisexual nymphomaniacal Greek coeds quickly drained and bandaged the wound, saving the fluid for donation to my program of providing my own plasma to the victims of Bengal tiger attacks in Bhutan.
That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about.
I live large. I own a miniature daschund that I’ve had genetically altered so he’s the size of a Chevy Suburban. I likewise own a special edition Mac mini – given to me by Steve Jobs himself – that you could land a Piasecki H-25 Army Mule cargo helicopter on.
Long ago I recognized the superiority of the Mac and made it a point to form a lasting bond with the company. When Nancy Heinen’s niece was held captive by Basque separatists, I led the strike force that rescued her and eliminated the threat. When Jon Rubinstein needed a Biggs Darklighter action figure to complete his original Star Wars set, I personally worked George Lucas over with a stone rolling pin until he revealed the location of one. When Avie Tevanian wanted tickets to see the Spin Doctors, I talked him out of it.
My knowledge of the OS X operating system is only surpassed by my familiarity with the folklore of Hmong tribes of Thailand, whom I spent several years with as a teenager. I hope that my expertise in all Apple matters will prove useful in my tenure at CARS and that my frequent dalliances with buxom celebrities will not be too much of a distraction.
For you, the reader, I will endeavor to entertain as well as educate. If I can provide you valuable insights to the personal lives of Apple executives by relaying stories of the sex parties, drug addled vision quests and tearful recriminations the next day, I will.
I may also just relay those because they make good copy. And that’s what I’m about. Good copy.
So here’s to it.