07 Jun 05Thor On The Floor.


First, let me admit that I may not be the right person to cover the trade show floor at Apple events. It becomes difficult to cover the news, when one so frequently is the news.

I am quite intimidating. The WWDC attendees both hate me and love me at the same time. For my coding skills are beyond reproach and I have the biceps of an Adonis, which are continually oiled by representatives of the University of California Santa Cruz women’s beach volleyball team. My intellect is cunning, my wardrobe impeccable. I cut a mighty swath through the Moscone Center, scattering spindly developers like so many high-trousered ten-pins. My bodyguard of nightmarish cyborg chimps does little to put those I would interview at ease. Several squealing coders must be violently dragged by the ankles back to me so I can ask them questions.

Questions that seem to demand answers.

Where were you the night Armin Djerjian was killed?

What have you done with the plans for the robot attack craft?

Where is the assassin code-named “Daedalus” who killed the Austrian Foreign Minister with a Batman Pez dispenser?

But, ultimately, these are questions that have no answers. Indeed, the point of these questions is simply to break the person being interviewed, to let them know that I can make them tell me anything. Anything.

Only then do we begin.

What do you think of Apple’s switch to Intel processors?

Do you already use Xcode or will you be switching?

What have you done with the plans for the robot attack craft?

I always come back to that one just to make sure they’re paying attention. Plus, the chimps love it for some reason. It makes them cackle maniacally.

So, while the sheer force of my personality hinders my skills as an interviewer, it is also what drives the interview forward. Relentlessly, like a vast continent propelled by tectonic forces beyond imagining, inexorably tearing up all in its path.

This week’s WWDC saw an announcement of tremendous magnitude for Apple. Many developers I spoke with were shaking like little bunnies, fearful of what the future will bring them. Let’s take a looks at some transcripts.


SAMSON: What’s your view about the level of reprogramming required to switch from the big-endian PowerPC to the little-endian X86?

NETNEWSWIRE DEVELOPER BRENT SIMMONS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! MY LIFE’S WORK, SHOT TO HELL!!! WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!


SAMSON: Do you have any concerns about Apple dropping support for Classic on Intel-based Macs?

ROGUE AMOEBA DEVELOPER PAUL KAFASIS: Yes! No! Oh, I don’t know! I’m so confused! I don’t know who to trust anymore! H-hold me!

SAMSON: No.


Clearly Apple has developers on a roller-coaster of emotion and the ride is just ratcheting up the first incline.

I’m Thor Samson.

No Responses to “Thor On The Floor.”

  1. UhhhDude says:

    First!

  2. UhhhDude says:

    And Second! And read the article.

  3. UhhhDude says:

    Oh, this is no fun. Everyone else seems to be distressed about some Intel thingie, or something.

    Fine. I’ll just stack some posts right here.

  4. UhhhDude says:

    Question: Does Thor ever exaggerate, maybe just a little bit? Discuss.

  5. John Moltz says:

    Oh, no you won’t!

  6. Anonymous says:

    I second the motion by Moltz. By the way, John, it seems that Thor is quite ambitious. If I were you, I would check the loyalties of my other employees before he tries to oust you like Jobs in the eighties.

  7. Zardox says:

    The longing for old Macs will remain strong for decades. Now is the time to select a favorite model and buy a fleet of G4 and G5 Macintoshes. Buy them at the yard sales and sell them on eBay!

  8. Peter says:

    G5 powerbooks next tuesday!!

  9. There’s is and an extra is in the second last sentence.

  10. PoisedNoise says:

    Once again I do the honourable thing and set up the eleventh post fooooorrrr…. who’s it going to be today kids?

  11. Streetrabbit says:

    I don’t play the numbers game anymore, bbut I can’t resist two in a row.

    11th or 12th

  12. PoisedNoise says:

    Hey, no fair – two days in a row! You set up for me tomorrow Streetrabbit.

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    OK. 10th @ 10:50PM

    It’s not as if I’ll be doing anything else. *sigh*

    I wish I had a bit more Thor.

  14. 2000guitars says:

    “let’s make love until I’m Thor…”

    “Let’s take a looks (sic) at some bunnies…”

  15. scared monster says:

    Hey! It’s been days since I posted in the first 16!

    I don’t like this Thor. I’m sure he was adopted. He had plastical surgery. His hair are fake. His mother stinks.

    Oh…Excuse me. We said ‘not the family.’

  16. JYF says:

    ¡ SEGUNDO !

  17. Huck says:

    Bad Thor! Not a sentence!

    “Relentlessly, like a vast continent propelled by tectonic forces beyond imagining, inexorably tearing up all in its path.”

  18. Skip says:

    Actress Anne Bancroft is dead. Plans for a Jets football stadium in Manhattan have been rejected, putting New York’s bid for the 2012 Olympics in serious jepoardy. And the United States is at war in a foreign placed called “Iraq.”

    I just thought the Mac community ought to be alerted to a few outside developments.

  19. soosy says:

    I’m enjoying the addition of this Thor Samson guy.

  20. appletweak says:

    blackjack!

  21. John Moltz says:

    Stay out of this, Skip! We like our community insulated from the outside world!

    DO NOT BRING YOUR OUTSIDE WORLD HERE!

  22. pmsg says:

    wait… there’s an OUTSIDE world…?

  23. Billy Gates says:

    Have you tried Microsoft Office for Mac OS X? It’s really nice. Please buy a license or two today. Thanks!

    How about that new Star Wars? I heard it did not suck.

  24. rad says:

    Ha! intel is faster and better and smarter and more fun. Mac processors are made by Motorola and they are dumbier! dumb-ber! Not fun!

  25. mac_man says:

    oh yes, it seems in the outside world, Intel has the fastest CPU’s and John is king. Oh… wait…. that’s just my shoe. STOP IT! GET OFF MY FOOT!

  26. rad says:

    how did u reply so fast?

  27. rad says:

    mac_man posted 5 seconds after i did.

  28. rad says:

    anyway macs are shinier and they look pretty. Unless u count all the ones in the world that have been used for at least a week…

  29. eros aka sore says:

    Made love to Thor Sampson ’til he cried out for more

    Made love to Thor Sampson ’til my thampson was sore

  30. Ace Deuce says:

    The robot attack craft plans are on a Powerbook at Lockheed.

    How many cyborg chimps does Thor have? My brother’s birthday is coming up, and, he really is hard to buy for.

    Umpty-Dumpteenth!

  31. Sudo Nym says:

    “How about that new Star Wars? I heard it did not suck.”

    You heard wrong.

  32. Citizen Of Trantor says:

    Skip: I reject your reality, and substitute my own.

  33. Del says:

    A bunch of Mac users were sad

    Ibm’s chips could no longer be had

    Jobs switched us to intel

    My mac’s almost a Wintel

    I sure hope this is just a fad.

  34. some black dude says:

    Who’s hungry for chickin ‘n’ waffles?

  35. Tom Negrino says:

    It’s appalling, I tell you. I come to CARS for its hard-hitting Mac news. CARS has earned my trust over the years with its solid coverage of such important Apple news as sexbots, sandwich preferences of Apple executives, and Apple’s covert teams of lesbian ninjas.

    Then this “Thor” guy shows up, and in just one post, utterly destroys my faith in CARS reporting. I refer, of course, to his claim about “…representatives of the University of California Santa Cruz women’s beach volleyball team.” Fool! Fraud! You are unmasked! As a fraud! And a fool! UCSC does not have a women’s beach volleyball team! Women’s beach volleyball is not even an NCAA sport!

    With errors of this magnitude, what will this do to CARS reputation in the Mac industry? When you get things like this so very, very, wrong, how will anyone trust you ever again?

    I call upon Moltz to sack this Thor guy at once. Only then can CARS regain its rightful place in the Mac firmament. It will take time to walk the comeback road, but I’m sure that when Moltz has shown more of the gumption and stick-to-it-iveness that he’s displayed since 2001, people will once again give him a chance.

    But before Thor goes, get to the bottom of that robot attack craft stuff. And I’d like some information about the next addition to the iLife suite. I heard it’s called iHummel.

  36. John Moltz says:

    Just because Thor forgot to put “inter-sorority” and “intramural” (and possibly “lesbian”) in front of “beach volleyball” is no cause for you to run off on one of your patented hissy fits, Tom. Because it’s not an NCAA sport, does that mean we do not like watching the nubile female form glisten with sweat during a killer smash?

    No. No, it does not.

    Good day, sir!

  37. Billy Gates says:

    I stole fizzy-lifting drinks! For that I am truely sorry. 🙁

  38. Streetrabbit says:

    I demand the right to sit in a sandbox and dream of bikini clad volleyballers when I think of California.

    I also like to think of Silicon Valley.

    Pwooaaarrhh!

    …bikini volleyball in Silicon Valley.

    Pwooaaarrhh!

    Nah. Meaty and beaty and big yes but…not the same without the bounce.

  39. The Invisible Evil Boys Choir Summer Replacements says:

    TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES TECTONIC FORCES

  40. UhhhDude says:

    Whoa. Multiple Moltz sightings. In one day!

    It truly is the beginning of the Cyber-Apocalypse.

    …Oh yeah. Thor, you ARE exaggerating.

    Aren’t you?

  41. Anonymous says:

    I’d kill the Austrian Foreign Minister myself if it ment I could get at his Batman Pez dispenser.

  42. rudy says:

    nice thor, unfortunately paul wasn’t at WWDC. quentin went, but paul didn’t. http://www.pbones.com/news/newsitem.php?blobDate=1118431943