Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’m a system administrator at a large retail corporation running the TOPS retail management application. While the point-of-sale system is Windows only, the inventory management portion has a Mac version. But how do I integrate it with a our Excel-based pipeline aging analytical models?
A: Well, while we are a Help Desk, we cannot be versed in every obscure vertical market application. We suggest contacting the vendor who may recommend the services of a knowledge-expert consultant.
Q: Fair enough. But while I’ve got you on the line, I’m curious about Spotlight. How does Spotlight index items for fast searching?
A: Uh… well, this is a complex issue involving keywords and what file experts call “meta-data.” Um… the data passes through a multiplexor where it is parsedparsed… into different buckets of maxi-data which are then passed again through the multiplexor which assembles the pieces into readable XML-based hyper-code. And, um, then you see your data.
Q: I see. So, you don’t know.
A: Haven’t a clue.
Q: OK. Well, can you tell me how French toast works?
A: Ah! Well, first you break a couple of eggs into a bowl and add a little milk…

Q: I’ve been intrigued by the Mac, particularly because of the tight integration between the operating system and the hardware. After years of suffering through problems diagnosing Windows hardware conflicts, I’m looking for something better. But the major thing I’m looking for in a Mac is, can it help me get Wanda back?
A: You dated a girl named Wanda?
Q: Well… “dated” is really not technically accurate.
A: Oh. Well, what was the nature of your…
Q: More like “monkey sex.” And “girl” is not really accurate either.
A: I’m sorry. I should have said woman. Girl is so…
Q: Not “woman” either.
A: Oh. Is Wanda a dude?
Q: Nnn…
A: Please just say yes.
Q: Oh. Um, OK. Yes.
A: OK. Well, while the Mac does have a certain panache that will increase your attraction to potential…
Q: I’ll give you a hint. Wanda is asexual. And not human!
A: I thought I made it pretty clear I didn’t want to know.
Q: I know, but I’m dying to get it off my chest!
A: No. And you know what? You can’t have a Mac.
Q: Awwwww…

Q: I’ve largely been a Safari user because I like the interface, but recently I’ve been using Firefox because I’ve noticed a problem with web pages not showing the latest versions in Safari. Do you think my cache isn’t updating?
A: Your what?
Q: My… cache. The versions of web pages that are stored on my hard drive for fast access.
A: …
Q: Um… so Safari doesn’t have to download the same data over and over again.
A: Well, you clearly don’t know much about web browsers, but I’d say you’re just not clicking the links to the pages hard enough.
Q: I’m not… clicking hard enough?
A: Yeah. Try it again, but click it really hard!
Q: OK. Um… mmm. How was that?
A: You call that clicking?! Click harder!
Q: Uh, OK. Nfff!
Q: UHNNNN! Ahhhhh, dammit. I broke my mouse.
A: You broke your…? Oh, jeez. And you want to blame all your problems on this mythical “cache”? That is so lame. I don’t know why I help you people.
Q: …
A: Lame-o.
Q: …
A: Oh, you’re mad now, aren’t you.
Q: I’m not talking to you.
A: Don’t be that way.