23 Jun 05Apple To Embark On New Era of Ill-Advised Decisions.


Since announcing that future Macs will come with Intel Inside, much virtual ink has been spilled speculating on whether or not Apple will allow OS X to run on non-Apple hardware.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed that the company will offer a version of OS X that will run on Intel-based hardware from any vendor. The operating system is expected to run just as poorly as Windows but with fewer applications.

The company intends to make up for this by offering OS X for free. Apple will open-source the entire Mac operating system and hopes to entice people into buying Macs by selling them for $1. The company will make its revenues almost entirely off of the kind donations of elderly benefactors, who the company will cat-sit for when they go to Florida and Arizona during the winter.

Additionally many of the company’s senior executives will don leotards and fight crime, despite having no super powers or, frankly, the bodies for spandex. Tuesdays will be “free punch day” when anyone can come in and give their favorite (or least favorite) Apple executive a free shot to the gut.

But these are not the only ill-advised moves the company is making.

The Newton operating system will be brought back to life and made to run on every single hardware platform ever known to man. Apple expects a porting and code management project like this will sap all of the resources of the company, but believes that OS X’s continued development will be picked up by well-meaning elves and fairies of the Woodland Realm.

The operating system powering the iPod will be altered only slightly and then deployed to several large nuclear plants as their primary control system. Problems with the iPod where it just skips some songs or cuts them off unexpectedly or always starts up with the same song no matter where you left off the last time are not expected to effect the nation’s nuclear power program.

Although Apple admits the Bricks game will now be life-or-death.

System 7.5 will be ported to an original 1967 Amana Radarange and repackaged as Apple’s flagship product, the Retro Micro Mac, which will unevenly heat your food and crash all of your applications when you just try to print something.

The company is also reportedly considering returning to an all 16-bit lineup and speaking in pig latin for an entire week. It’s also talked about suddenly moving in with that guy its been dating for two weeks. Sure, he has a lot of financial problems and is unstable emotionally, but the company is sooooo in love with him.

No Responses to “Apple To Embark On New Era of Ill-Advised Decisions.”

  1. 2000guitars says:

    To be first or not to be….

    FIRST POST!

    SUCKERS!

    (that is, suckers in general, not first post suckers…)

  2. 2000guitars says:

    spandex. Spandex is funny.

  3. PoisedNoise says:

    How exactly?

    I like the notion of free punch day though. Should start that at the school where I teach. I can think of a few kids I’d like to…. or maybe not.

  4. 2000guitars says:

    well, there are vast hordes of people who are wearing spandex, and quite frankly, should not be…

  5. Streetrabbit says:

    I’ve got to ask how you came to be researching the history of the microwave oven?

  6. Dan says:

    Read the article, and the microwave story and still got in the top ten.

    Woohoo!

  7. K.S. 3.0.9.9.1 says:

    7 again!

  8. Huck says:

    You know that guy that discovered how microwaves cook stuff when he noticed the melted candy bar in his pocket? Was he ever able to have children?

  9. Aimon says:

    Is it wrong that I want my senior executive to be Phil Schiller on free punch day?

  10. iMac Addict says:

    WOOOOHOOOOO 1O!

  11. 11th says:

    no comment

  12. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX!

    SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX!

    SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX!

    SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX! SPANDEX!

  13. Ozi says:

    A beautiful 4-part rendition of “The Spandex Song” by the Invisible Evil Boy’s Choir. The soaring 2nd Swinging Soprano melodies were sublime.

    Jolly good show.

    Also, should it not be ill-adviseD decisions? Naughty Moltay-boy.

  14. scared monster says:

    14!!

    Now I can read.

  15. scared monster says:

    And no PowerBook Batteries as fireplace starters?

  16. El Capitano Corelli says:

    I’m a fireplace starter. Twisted fireplace starter.

  17. leftshoe says:

    I have to say, the quality of CARS has really been dropping over the last 6 months. Don’t tell me they have run out of apple gags?

  18. unfoolish mcghoulish says:

    leftshoe, don’t you get it, it’s all about the sexbots.

    nobody hear really reads the articles!

  19. Dexter Span says:

    “well, there are vast hordes of people who are wearing spandex, and quite frankly, should not be…”

    –Posted by 2000guitars

    (nice 1st by the way)

    ….and there are quite a few people who are not wearing spandex, and quite frankly, I would really appreciate it if they would.

  20. Ace Deuce says:

    Umpteenth, for the umpteenth time.

    CARS really needs an editor. Imagine if the Toronto Sun had only one headline at the top of each issue, followed by everything under the sun in no particular order. That’s what we have today.

    In other news, even people who look great in spandex should not wear it, as it sets a bad precedent, a ride down a slippery slope from which we will never return. Oh, too late…

  21. 2000guitars says:

    …he’s got his spandex suit sucked up tight in the place where the sun don’t shine but the girls don’t mind…

    Sir Mixalot

  22. Dexter Span says:

    http://www.popartuk.com/g/l/lgdp0060.jpg

    Talk about your slippery slopes. How can you not like that image.

  23. spelling nerd says:

    Doesn’t “ill-advised” have a “D” in it? Sort of? In the title, for instance?…

  24. blank says:

    Wake me when they get an 8-bit OS running on a Weber charcoal grill.

    zzzzzzzz…

  25. Walking Contradiction says:

    An 8 bit OS on a Weber? I want a 4 bit OS running on my George Foreman grill – then I’ll get excited! Pervertedly excited. Sexbots in the room kind of excited.

    Let’s get it on!

  26. Ace Deuce says:

    I’ve got a 2-bit OS running on the desktop here at the insurance company, called XP. It’s not reliable enough to trust on a hotplate.

  27. Some interesting developments.

    “[Apple] also talked about suddenly moving in with that guy its been dating for two weeks. Sure, he has a lot of financial problems and is unstable emotionally, but the company is sooooo in love with him.”

    Ergo, Apple is either female, or a gay or bisexual man.

    “I have heard that the PPC is a complete slut with lesbian tendencies. She’s seeing Sony right now! as we speak! Oh… and she diddles any server that comes along.” (A comment from a few days ago; neither Moltz nor Apple denied this, so it must be true.)

    Ergo, Sony is female, and PPC is female. Further, the possibility of Apple being a gay man is eliminated, but bisexual-maleness or femaleness are still logical options. But if “PPC [… has] lesbian tendencies”, then that probably means that such tendencies did not surface when it was dating Apple, which means Apple is not female. By elimination, Apple must be a bisexual man.

    REVELATIONS THUSLY ANNOUNCED:

    1. Apple is a bisexual man! That’s right — Apple loves the cock, but he also likes pussy!

    2. Læther uses “ergo” instead of “therefore” because it makes him sound fancier! As does using that little ‘æ’ ligature character in his name!

    3. ???

    4. Profit!

  28. ozstryker says:

    Really funny one guys – one of your best!

    Boo yah sux! to everyone else.