27 Jun 05Apple Special Event To Reveal New Music Features.


At an event scheduled for July 7th, sources indicate, Apple will announce iTunes 4.9, an entirely new lineup of iPods and the ability to play AAC-encoded music on ham sandwiches.

Apple will improve upon iTunes by adding podcasting, will upgrade the storage capacities of all iPods and, most excitingly, will do the seemingly impossible: allow music to be played on pork-based meat between two pieces of bread.

“Pork fat is highly magnetic,” an Apple engineer on the project said. “Thus it retains digital files in their purest form.”

According to our source, the AAC on ham effort is the result of a meats-as-storage-medium skunk works project in the mid-1990s during Apple’s heyday of research into pretty much anything anyone could think of no matter how high they were.

Several sources in the know indicate the guy who thought up this was extremely high.

“Black Forest ham works best,” the engineer said, “but any ham will do. Even your generic Safeway or Giant-brand hams. Ham in a white box that says ‘HAM’ on it in black letters will even work. But it has to be ham. We tried turkey, roast beef, salami… baloney… Braunschweiger…

“By the way, don’t try Braunschweiger. Ever. For any reason. Even if it points to magnetic north and you need to find your way out of a canyon filled with rabid coyotes. Better to turn and charge headfirst into the coyotes than to taste Braunschweiger.”

Reportedly, mustard, cheeses and the type of bread have no impact on the audio quality, but bread must be present for loss-less playback. With no visual interface, the functionality is similar to the iPod shuffle, but with a rainbow shine after several days of play.

Asked how Apple intends to make any money off of this discovery, the source said that the company will port the operating system powering the iPod shuffle to the ham sandwich and provide a whole series of ham sandwich peripherals, perhaps even ham sandwich socks.

Users will be free to make their own ham sandwiches, but Apple is confident that the tight integration the company will be able to make between the ham sandwich and the Macintosh will even lead to a ham halo effect, increasing the Mac’s market share.

Apple declined to comment for this story, but area residents report that representative from Carl Buddig have been seen coming and going at One Infinite Loop.

No Responses to “Apple Special Event To Reveal New Music Features.”

  1. stststeve says:

    first! and I’m only a lurker…

  2. tehdely says:

    hot damn, second

  3. K.S. 3.0.9.9.2 says:

    three

  4. PoisedNoise says:

    yo four

  5. Coffin Dodger says:

    Once again the Imperial Running Lackey Dogs insult the Islamic, Jewish and Rastafarian communities by using pig meat.

    Why no experiments with chicken soup?

    Why no experiments with kebabs?

    Why no experiments with jerk chicken?

    Jobs, you should be made to eat all your pig meat iPods, only please remember to chew each mouthful at least 32 times, or you might get indigestion.

    Just going off for a little lie down. My brain hurts Brian…………

  6. stststeve says:

    OK 4 is enough, right? (I’m new here…)

    Isn’t this just another example of Apple adapting third-party software into their system? See iham on irye for itunes

    http://swssoftware.com/products/iham/. Very cool app actually, but it didn’t occur to me to try it on actual ham.

  7. Carl says:

    It’s totally ironical that Jobs is a vegetarian.

    That means, he wouldn’t kill a man for 11th, like most of us.

  8. Streetrabbit says:

    It still doesn’t solve the dilemma of how best to carry your portable audio device.

    Belt clip, armband thingie, iskinny dipping or lunchbox.

    If it is somehow possible that ham possesses the stated properties then I’m excited. I’m excited because I see a future where music is played through live pigs which walk alongside you eliminating the daggy ininess, trouser pull downiness of an iPod attached to your belt.

    Bravo Apple.

  9. 2000guitars says:

    Aha there, CARS staff, isn’t it “Carl Buddig” ham? Å Budding ham is what you get when you leave it in the fridge too long.

    Not to be ham handed or anything…

  10. John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith says:

    What’s so bad about Braunschweiger?

    What is it, chopped liver?

  11. vans says:

    Insult. We don’t get FM receivers, so we have to go with a ham radio that doesn’t even get radio stations?

    Do you need a license from the FCC for this sandwich?

    On the up side, Firewire data transfer means we’ll get a nice toasted sandwich out of the deal. Fine by me.

    A++++ WOULD BUY AGAIN

  12. Aaron says:

    As usual, CARS hams it up with more than a little baloney.

  13. Bellidancer says:

    “Several sources in the know indicate the guy who thought up this was extremely high.”

    word

  14. David says:

    14th!

    *sigh*

    that’s the closest I’ve ever come…

  15. Anonymous says:

    On the other hand, I would face multiple canyons of rabid coyotes for some paté de fois gras.

  16. Coffin Dodger says:

    Just downloaded update 4.9 and it has done absolutely nothing for my toasted ham sandwich, with or without mustard. How do I load it into a Sanyo EM-5153 Microwave oven. (240 volts)

    More important, and I quote “09:30-09-45 Checked entire body for wood ticks. Dress.” This occurred on Tuesday October 7th 2003. Did you find any and how are they at interpreting Mozart or paté de fois gras.

    301, will I ever succeed?

  17. one man and his mac says:

    finally, socks for my sandwiches.

    i am content.

  18. The Invisible Evil Swedish Chef's Choir says:

    PORK! PORK! PORK!

    PORK! PORK! PORK!

    PORK! PORK! PORK!

    PORK! PORK! PORK!

  19. Carl says:

    It’s BuddIG, not Budding.

    Aside from that, i cannot confirm or deny anything.

  20. John Moltz says:

    Gah. Damn Internets. Buddig it is.

  21. blank says:

    At last! I’m so tired of vegans like Steve lording it over the rest of us omnivores with the whole moral superiority thing. Ham is my favorite of all sandwiches!

    I guess the downside to all this is that I really have to make sure my music files are backed-up. If the only copy of a song is on the player and I get hungry… well, I’m sure the possibility of data-loss is apparent here.

  22. I can’t believe nobody has made a reference to “ham radio” yet.

    You’re all fired!

  23. greenacres says:

    and nobody mentioned the possible Trichinosis you might get if you start listening to infected ham. Those damn Trichinosis worms…from Windows no doubt.

  24. Huck says:

    Hahahaha, so much for July 7th, eh? “Oh, iTunes 4.9 is going to be released a week from thursday”. Lol! I’ve never seen anyone be wrong so quickly!

    BwahahahaHAHA!

  25. Younghart says:

    I hate this. I actually am from Braunschweig, GER. Once and for all: we are not responsible for spreadable liver sausage. Jägermeister: sure (although more from a village 8 miles south called Wolfenbüttel).

    By the way: liverwurst can store much more calories than ham.

  26. Ace Deuce says:

    Didn’t Sony beat Apple to the punch with Spam casettes years ago?

  27. Anonymous says:

    Todays episode is the direct result of a bet the Moltz made with the other rumor site authors. Whoever could use the phrase “ham sandwich socks” in context.

  28. One of the missing kids says:

    Ref:- Younghart from Braunschweig

    Hamelin Town in Hannover

    Near Brunswick’s mighty city

    Where the River Weser etc. etc.

    Eureka

    or something foreign.

    You are uncovered.

    The Pied Piper of Hamelin was carrying out beta tests on the ham sandwich iPods.

    Didn’t Bratwurst work?

  29. Meow… did I just say meow?

    Actually all this talk of ham, and samiches made me hungry and so I just got back from lunch. Guess how much my lunch cost!? Go ahead! Okay, it was $487! Ha, and that was just for me! Top that, Jobs. *And* I ate meat, just regular meat, none of that pussy rainbow shit.

    Oh, have you heard the good word of HD-DVD, friend?

    It’s far superior to Blue-Raid, or whatever that other one that we don’t have our hooks into yet is. We’ve got easier DVD mastering and a smaller available storage space. What more could you ask for? Ask for it by name, HD-DVD. That’s the one you want. Don’t let some huckster mogul in a turtleneck fool you into believing that 50GB of storage is better than 30GB… oh, nevermind.

    Where’s Balmer?! I feel a prank coming on…

  30. haineux says:

    Silly people, don’t you remember the immortal lyrics:

    LOBSTER STICKS TO MAGNET!!! (roar)

    LOBSTER STICKS TO MAGNET!!! (roar)

    LOBSTER STICKS TO MAGNET!!! (roar)

    LOBSTER STICKS TO MAGNET!!! (roar)

    http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/lobster.php

  31. UhhhDude says:

    On a related note, Steve Jobs also announced an agreement with Apple UK and Apple Records, Ltd., to encode lossless CD technology to Spam.

    Or more precisely, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam and eggs.

    The new technology, known as MontiPod 1.0, will be licensed exclusively to the UK and all former British colonies.

    The surviving members of Monty Python were unavailable for comment due to a prior commitment to being squashed by a giant cartoon foot.

  32. jinzo012 says:

    I hope Apple will make silhoutte ad of some guy, or……..NO no wait sorry…Naked girl..eating a ham sandwhich really slow then a solhoutte of Steve Jobs coming up behind her and reaching around to put his moisterized hands around her perfectly sized breasts saying “Who’s your daddy?” then both of them falling down off the screen and, some “uh, uh, uh, oh, yes, oh, ah, Yes.” then Steve will say “Want a, iHam?” then she’ll say “suuuure.” then ending with the Apple logo………….so now we get Jobs having freaky sex with a mysterious hot girl, and meat with the ability to play music. Wut culd be beter?

  33. jogz says:

    Woz in the girl’s part?

  34. jinzo012 says:

    nah, Woz has a beard thing going on, instead Bill G His silhoutte will look much more lady like

  35. Elton John says:

    It’s well-known fact that diamonds attract grease. Liberache told me so!

    So all this talk about pork fat, it’s a ploy by Elizabeth Taylor to attact diamonds to herself. She uses them to soak up the bacon fat in the frying pan when she makes breakfast for Michael Jackson.

    That’s what you get when you have more money than taste or sense.

  36. Piglet says:

    Oh thats it! First Apple isn’t doing the right thing in recycling its antiquated hardware and now this! Harvesting my poor, innocent swine brethren just to get your groove on! I’m outraged! Infuriated!

    Oh yeah, I’ll show you senseless violence. I’m gonna listen to the cool tunes Pooh makes when I kick his friggin’ fat, stuffed bear ass all over the place!

  37. ld2d says:

    i got laid today.