At an event scheduled for July 7th, sources indicate, Apple will announce iTunes 4.9, an entirely new lineup of iPods and the ability to play AAC-encoded music on ham sandwiches.
Apple will improve upon iTunes by adding podcasting, will upgrade the storage capacities of all iPods and, most excitingly, will do the seemingly impossible: allow music to be played on pork-based meat between two pieces of bread.
“Pork fat is highly magnetic,” an Apple engineer on the project said. “Thus it retains digital files in their purest form.”
According to our source, the AAC on ham effort is the result of a meats-as-storage-medium skunk works project in the mid-1990s during Apple’s heyday of research into pretty much anything anyone could think of no matter how high they were.
Several sources in the know indicate the guy who thought up this was extremely high.
“Black Forest ham works best,” the engineer said, “but any ham will do. Even your generic Safeway or Giant-brand hams. Ham in a white box that says ‘HAM’ on it in black letters will even work. But it has to be ham. We tried turkey, roast beef, salami… baloney… Braunschweiger…
“By the way, don’t try Braunschweiger. Ever. For any reason. Even if it points to magnetic north and you need to find your way out of a canyon filled with rabid coyotes. Better to turn and charge headfirst into the coyotes than to taste Braunschweiger.”
Reportedly, mustard, cheeses and the type of bread have no impact on the audio quality, but bread must be present for loss-less playback. With no visual interface, the functionality is similar to the iPod shuffle, but with a rainbow shine after several days of play.
Asked how Apple intends to make any money off of this discovery, the source said that the company will port the operating system powering the iPod shuffle to the ham sandwich and provide a whole series of ham sandwich peripherals, perhaps even ham sandwich socks.
Users will be free to make their own ham sandwiches, but Apple is confident that the tight integration the company will be able to make between the ham sandwich and the Macintosh will even lead to a ham halo effect, increasing the Mac’s market share.
Apple declined to comment for this story, but area residents report that representative from Carl Buddig have been seen coming and going at One Infinite Loop.