14 Jul 05Apple's Quarterly Results Cause Analyst's Head To Explode.


Tragedy struck the Wall Street firm of Taylor and Bennet today, as long-time employee Dale Sievers died suddenly when his head exploded during Apple’s quarterly conference call.

“It’s a very sad day for us here at Taylor and Bennet,” said Nathan Funkhouser, chairman of the firm. “Dale had been with us for 15 years covering technology stocks and Apple in particular.”

According to reports Sievers had filed year after year, he was no fan of Apple.

7/15/1995: “Apple will report its quarterly financials on Wednesday and expect the carnage to be particularly acute. Microsoft has closed the gap in operating system usability and Apple has become an anachronism.” Rating: SELL.

10/13/1998: “Despite the return of Steve Jobs to the company, Apple has little chance of survival.” Rating: SELL.

4/17/2001: “Apple is doomed. It’s deteriorating relationship with retail outlets mean that it will soon have no place to sell its products. If you own this stock, it’s long past time to get out.” Rating: SELL.

1/14/2003: “Look, how many times do I have to say this: Apple is toxic. Get out. GET. OUT. Only a loser freak who finds solace in rooting for a lost cause would continue to hold Apple stock.” Rating: SELL.

Funkhouser said “Dale was listening to [Apple Chief Financial Officer] Peter Oppenheimer discussing Apple’s third quarter results and somewhere around where Oppenheimer said ‘net profit growth of 425 percent’…

Pausing to compose himself, Funkhouser continued “There was this… ‘pop’…”

Funkhouser then excused himself to consult with Taylor and Bennet’s janitorial staff.

While no other reports of the heads of Wall Street analysts exploding were received, there were reactions of surprise, dismay, fear, and loathing and several analysts were seen staring off into space in blank disbelief.

No Responses to “Apple's Quarterly Results Cause Analyst's Head To Explode.”

  1. fristage says:

    Postage.

  2. ScheisseGern says:

    I GOT IT

    YETH

    FRISTAGE POSTAGE IS MINE

    LORFSPYL

  3. third as well says:

    might as well go for

  4. Aimon says:

    Number Five!!!! Staying Alive!!!

    (only thing I could think about that rhymes)

  5. Anonymous says:

    HEHEHEHEHEHE SIX

    YUT!!

  6. Anonymous says:

    So motivated had to get 7 too!

    OOOH Raaaah!!

  7. alex Hanselka says:

    EIGHT!!! it is about time

  8. 9 says:

    Nine is so fine!

  9. Carl says:

    I regret that I have but 9 lives to give for my country.

  10. Ten says:

    I get X!

    (Setting up someone for XI)

  11. Carl says:

    How ironical: Ten is 11.

  12. Nxxx says:

    Goddamit!

    Just sold my share, and wanted to wait for Baker’s Dozen.

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    Friday afternoon and just when I thought the week would pass without an exploding head story, CARS delivers.

    Now I can enjoy a weekend without nervous twitches.

  14. someone who just wanted to put the entire post here says:
  15. androgen says:

    I have a burning sensation when I urinate

  16. Switcher says:

    This fact, my friends, is obviously the first “next big thing” from the Cupertino’s brains.

    Pete Oppenheimer’s “Scanners” Division.

    NASDAQ will never be the same.

  17. The Invisible Evil Incompetent Financial Advisors' Choir says:

    SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL!

    SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL!

    SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL!

    SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL!

  18. Gnu person says:

    Moo?

  19. Del says:

    I believe we determined in past comment sections the correct term is soda and not pop.

  20. sickandtwisted says:

    Hey Dell! Damn-it! Its tonic not soda! Jeeeeez….!!!!!

    Remember when we were kids and we would all be sitting around drinking ice cold TONIC on a hot summers day… and we would wait for the dorky guy to take a really, really big gulp and then tell a joke and watch his head explode!

    Those were the days……

  21. Del says:

    Sorry 🙂

    and it Del not DELL!!!!!

    I am insulted.

  22. Dwight Brown says:

    Why, oh why, couldn’t it have been Rob Enderle?

  23. In the story, aren’t it supposed to read ‘7/15/1995’ instead of ‘7/15/2005’?

    That would make a bit more sense, I think.

  24. John C. Randolph says:

    Dwight,

    Enderle’s brain exploded years ago. Couldn’t you tell?

    Come to think of it, he doesn’t sound all that different since it happened. Never mind.

    -jc

  25. Psyko says:

    Moof.

    MARK

  26. LastPostGuy says:

    Last Post!