13 Jul 05Discord At Apple Over "Next Big Thing."


According to sources at Apple, the company is rife with discord over what the “next big thing” will be.

“After the iPod became such a success,” author Leander Kahney said, “People at Apple started asking, OK, where do we go from here?”

It turns out where the company goes from here is to a lot of meetings featuring heated arguments between rival factions.

Highly placed sources indicate that the company has narrowed it down to two potential products: an entertainment hub that downloads DVD-quality movies and acts as an household conduit streaming both video and music throughout the user’s home, and a re-envisioning of “soap-on-a-rope”.

Each faction has its own adherents and each group vehemently believes that its product will steer Apple into a glorious new age of high market share and profitability.

“Home entertainment is hot and the Apple hub would greatest swell of the wave of the future,” said an engineer associated with the device’s development. “The ability to purchase movies online and then watch them in any – and every – room in the house would create a revolution in the industry.

“This would be the must-have home accessory for a the decade.”

As tantalizing as the entertainment hub concept sounds, soap-on-a-rope boosters are equally ebullient.

“The Apple soap-on-a-rope is the ultimate in personal bathing technology,” said an engineer from the hub’s rival project.

Holding up a prototype, he noted that “It’s shaped like the Apple logo and it comes in different colors and… um… it gets all lathery… and stuff…

“It… really does make a big lather.”

The engineer was unable to point to any trends that would indicate the Apple soap-on-a-rope would be a success. He did note that he was assigned to the project immediately after coming off a grueling 18-month stint developing the iPod socks.

Sources indicate that CEO Steve Jobs will be the eventual decision maker as to which product gets the nod as the heir to the iPod throne. Jobs has reportedly taken home three of the hub devices, as well as a crate full of soap-on-a-ropes and is even reported to have enjoyed both at the same time, while bathing in his tub.

No Responses to “Discord At Apple Over "Next Big Thing."”

  1. mutle says:

    first!?

  2. Nxxx says:

    I vote soap, especially if it is waterproof.

    Forgot AGAIN, tenty-nonth.

  3. OverclockedLemon says:

    Thrud!

  4. vans says:

    technically, it would be soaps-on-ropes. not soap-on-a-ropes.

  5. Appleswitch says:

    SECOND! Alephone! Pfhorums! and all that, now i gata read it.

  6. Streetrabbit says:

    I’m sick of the whole “Home Entertainment” thing, everybody’s doing it. Soap-on-a-rope screams Apple and I’d love to see it. Maybe a USB cable instead of rope, that way the soap could be pre-lathered or warmed before use.

    Could the next poster say what number I am?

  7. Huh? says:

    But of course… Your magic number is ….

    six

    At least thats what my pants tell me.

    moo.

  8. jokkel says:

    Juhu! first time top ten!

    Hand the soap home media center to me!

  9. kanonekanone says:

    Steve in the bath tub with his big thing… Makes me wonder…

    9th

  10. John C. Randolph says:

    I can state with confidence that whatever the next big thing is, it will not in any way involve sexbots.

    As for the soap-on-a-rope rumor: that’s not soap, it’s a waterproof iPod.

    -jcr

  11. John C. Randolph says:

    Oh, damn.. I wasn’t supposed to say anything about upcoming Apple products. Never mind, everyone. Forget what I said.

    -jcr

  12. vans says:

    In that case, I’ll forget you got 11th and claim it for my own!

  13. ficko says:

    vans,

    Soaps-on-ropes is grammatically correct,

    i thunk

    also twenty-third.

  14. I kinda thought the next big thing would be Firefox-in-iPod-Socks.

  15. Del says:

    I thought the next big thing was kitten mind control devices.

    Though in looking through the super secret stolen spec’s that I have I still can ‘t figure out if it is mind control devices to be used on or by kittens.

  16. ergo says:

    Obviously its a soapy kitten on a rope. raised from kittenhood in the shower, dangling of corse, it provides a cat bath while leaving you dry and able to listen to your ipod.

  17. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    Who would make the rope part of the soap, IBM or Intel ?

  18. blank says:

    The main thing holding back the soap-on-a-rope idea is that it doesn’t hold enough songs, which is to say, zero.

    I hear they’re working on that, though.

  19. pmsg says:

    I tried some of that soap once, and rope or no rope, it sucks. I mean Photoshop jut sits there, and you can forget even trying to get onto that interweb thingy…

    I think what they need to be working on is a multimedia sexbot on a rope. Now THAT’s an entertainment hub!

  20. Ace Deuce says:

    Soap-on-a-rope?

    Nope.

  21. iPantsless says:

    fools! they should combine the concepts and move forward. Soap-on-a-Rope that downloads DVD quality movies and acts as a houshold conduit for streaming both video and music.

    I a freaking GENIOUS!

    I can see though my HANDS!

    I have no PANTS!

  22. Psyko says:

    I’m not really a god, just a normal guy. (Well, as normal as somebody that actually posts at CARS can be.)

    MARK

  23. Bellidancer says:

    NOOOOoooooooo!

    My faith is destroyed. Psyko, first you claim godhead and NOW you deny it!

    What are we to do with the funds we have raised for your temple?

    What about the priesthood that is assembling?

    The naked temple dancers we are auditioning? (Well, that will continue regardless.)

    What about the massive kickoff festival we have been arranging to introduce your worship to the masses?

  24. Mr. Wee William Winky, Esq., Jr., PhD., BYOB says:

    Let’s invert the paradigm.

    Rope on a soap.

    My friends, we have a revolution!

  25. Disgusted Col Retd says:

    Monsieur Moltz,

    Non “Joli anniversarie de Bastille” de Rumor Stupid de Pommes. Pourquoi?

    Speaking to Howard, still in quarantine, he said you were pure bred Acadian, played a mean fiddle, was a washboard wizard and a magnificent melodeonist. He also added that you did unspeakable things in the shower with soap on the rope.

    Was that Beta testing?

  26. Psyko says:

    I was a god, but I got rid of the power. It was too much of a hassle really.

    The money (past, present and future money) we can just give to somebody. (You seem like a good candidate.)

    The priesthood, just tell them they were Punk’d or something.

    The dancers, yeah, keep them coming.

    The festival, in honor of you I guess, you seem to be putting out all the effort.

    MARK

  27. G.S. Patton says:

    I thought Psyko was a God because Psyko’s sister is Godess (or so I’ve been told).

  28. Del says:

    Bellidancer you may commence with the celebration in my honor if you like. Just so you know I myself am a pantheon of gods and goddesses.

    Don’t ask me how that works it just does.

  29. Zeb says:

    Last!

    Oh and uh, I’ve got a call into one of those invention assistance places for MY IDEA to have iSocks for your iSoap-on-a-Rope.

    I’ll be sure and call you suckas from the TOP when Steve and I are tipping a few at the vegan country club! te, he, he…

  30. ovw says:

    Not moo.

    Moof!

  31. Home entertainment is hot and so is the Apple tub and this soap-on-a-rope would provide the greatest swell of the wave of the future… of your tub.

  32. Psyko says:

    G. S. Patton. Crimany man, forget about it.

    Del. Your not a pantheon of gods or goddesses, you said no to me, remember?

    MARK

  33. Bellidancer says:

    I’m not sure how refusing Psyko is any indication of godhead… just good taste! 😉

    Ok! let the Festival of the Devine Feline Fanciers begin!

    First in the temple vestibule we will have the (drum roll, please) Vestal Virgin Dancers!!! *However, since this is Del’s church, the Vestal Virgins will be joined by the Chippendale Dancers!)

    In the chapel will be nature films of small rodents along with liver, tuna, and chicken hors d’oeuvres. Entry allowed only by permission of the kitten ninjas.

    The confessionals will be open for those misguided individuals who have strayed from the Way of the Mac.

    The Main Room will have alternating “hot” tubs of ice cold vodka and hot mulled sacramental wine around the perimeter. Closer in will be the buffet tables of Geek Cuisine. In the center will be the torture racks where tech support monsters will receive their just punishments. Users too stupid to use computers will sacraficed on the hour. (Wait! There are too many for that to work out. Have to think this through.) Sexbots will circulate throught the congregation.

  34. Ace Deuce says:

    Honestly people, you repeatedly trot out sexbots as if they were some kind of condiment to be liberally sprinkled on any comment that needed a little zest.

    And you know what? There are no sexbots! That’s right, I don’t believe in them. If any of you sexbot-pushers has a shred of evidence that they exist in the real world, please present it. I promise to return it after a short evaluation period.

    The only documented reference to a sexbot that I’ve seen was in Robots of Dawn by Isaac Asimov. And even so, R. Daneel Olivaw was mainly a detective and only performed those other services as a sideline. Further, that’s ‘way in the future (it’s 2005 as I write this).

    Finally, I’d like to apologize for sprinkling this comment liberally with sexbot references in hopes of spicing it up.

    P.S. I do believe in lesbian ninjas, however.

  35. bloke with the beard and the funny hat. says:

    Ace Deuce,

    By the powers invested in me by the Synod of the Church of Reformed Sexbots, I declare you a heretic.

    As such you will be arrested with taunts of “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition” and taken to a place of detention where Lesbian Ninjas will hang, draw and quarter your iPod before you without anaesthetic, and thou shalt never mention the Holy Names of Moltz or Jobs again on penalty of death by Extreme Sexbots.

    Given this Noonth day of Spangloids in the year of Our Bot Noonth by

    The bloke with the beard and the funny hat.

  36. Del says:

    Great Party Bellidancer!!!

    YAY!

    Though next time I would suggest getting the Chippendale dancers and not the Chip ‘n Dale dancers. I know the little chipmunks were quite cute. Unfortunately due to all the kittens, were is all they are now.

  37. Anonymous says:

    mmmm liberally sprinkled heretanical sexbots that features an entertainment hub that downloads DVD-quality movies and acts as an household conduit streaming both video and music throughout the user’s home and an inovated rope on a soap interface.

  38. LastPostGuy says:

    Last Post!