03 Aug 05Jobs Unaware of Mighty Mouse.


Highly placed sources at Apple indicate CEO Steve Jobs is completely unaware of the MIghty Mouse – a multi-button mouse with a scroll ball that by all accounts goes against every fiber of his being.

Jobs has long held that the simplicity of a one-button mouse far outweighed the added functionality of a multi-button mouse. Others within Apple, however, believe that the lack of a multi-button mouse has been holding the Mac back.

According to sources, the Mighty Mouse was developed in a skunk works project set up in a small shack at the back of the Apple campus near the dumpsters full of unsold iPod socks. To evade Jobs’ all-seeing eye, prototypes were developed by carving them from bars of soap employees smuggled into the shack “internally.”

All aspects of the product’s subsequent development and marketing were hurriedly conducted during meetings when Jobs excused himself to take a phone calls from his many celebrity friends. This required the cracker-jack coordination of thousands of Apple employees bent on bringing Apple’s mouse technology into the late 20th century against their mercurial leader’s will.

“We’ve tried everything with Steve,” said a senior executive who spoke on the condition of anonymity, “And nothing’s worked.

“I’d say to him, Steve, the one-button mouse is a needless anachronism that gives our critics an easy target. And he’d say to me, Jon Rubinstein, I’m more concerned with making easy-to-use computers than I am with listening to the blatherings of John Dvorak and Paul Thurrott. Now finish your Go-GURT.”

Apple staff have continued to keep the existence of the Mighty Mouse from Jobs by blocking his computer from viewing any information on the Apple site about the pointing device, training all Apple Store employees to remove the Mighty Mouse from the shelves when he enters, and by standing behind Jobs and waving their arms frantically when reporters start to ask questions about it.

Despite these efforts, employees know that Jobs will eventually find out about the mouse. Sources on the project believe their best defense against Jobs may be a strong offense, and plan an intervention-style confrontation where they will take the stance that he has a “mouse problem.”

“If things go particularly bad,” one source said “we may be forced to throw a hockey-puck mouse in his face.

“I’m hoping it doesn’t get to that point, though.”

No Responses to “Jobs Unaware of Mighty Mouse.”

  1. Streetrabbit says:

    one (button) rulz

  2. ...House says:

    …especially when they they function as TWO (or more)….

  3. ...House says:

    erm…PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE EXTRA “THEY’ IN THE PREVIOUS POST….

  4. Carl says:

    Apple can pry the one button on my PowerBook from my cold, lifeless fingers.

  5. Disgusted Col Retd says:

    I told Lieutenant Jobs about needing more buttons on his mouse when he was assigned as I.C. I.T. during the Pathan North West Frontier Campaign in 1873. He protested but fitted the regimental Abacus with an extra line of beads and sprayed it white. It should be noted that his uniform was dyed white and had only one button. Form was everything to him then, and now.

    203495.

    Sorry that was my regimental number.

  6. Mahalis says:

    Fifth. I’m hoping the 2007 mactel PBs will have similar tech.. it’ll look like one button but be configurable to act like two.

  7. OverclockedLemon says:

    Seventh!

    Gimme my 2 button powerbook already!

  8. won says:

    “internally”

    Heh heh heh….

  9. 2000guitars says:

    scroll wheels rule

  10. OverclockedLemon says:

    Tenth! aaaand….

  11. OverclockedLemon says:

    Eleventh!

    aaaah ha ha ha! Again!

    I still want my 2 button powerbook.

  12. Chris says:

    @Mahalis:

    > “I’m hoping the 2007 mactel PBs will have similar tech”

    Why Intel? The new mouse works on PPC, and there are bound to be new PPC PBs before there are Intel ones. I see no reason to wait.

    I really wish people would get over this whole “Why just transition to Intel when we can make a fuckton of other changes at the same time?” mentality. The whole point is for the Intel transition to be as seamless as possible, not to present a giant turning point in the entire user experience.

  13. Aaron says:

    I think the idea is not that Apple should *have* to wait until they transition to Intel, but that they are more likely to want to make all their changes at once, to ease transition costs.

  14. Psyko says:

    Do you think that if I told Jobs he would give me a job?

    MARK

  15. iPALENDROMEi says:

    Dunno. But the wooping he would give you would leave some nasty marks, Mark.

  16. Curtis says:

    Interesting how in Canada, Yoplait doesn’t sell Go-gurt, but instead sells Tubes… Co-incidence? I think not.

    http://www.yoplait.ca/tubes/en/

    I will now go drink a Yop.

    -Curtis

  17. Psyko says:

    I’m not Mark.

    MARK

  18. Resuna says:

    It’s a pity the Mighty Mouse doesn’t actually work like a two-button mouse.

    I tell you, when I plugged my Microsoft Optical Mouse into my Mac mini, I was a little worried. Would the bogons and antibogons from the two devices combine and release a deadly flood of cluons?

    I’m happy to say that my Belkin 4-port hub successfully buffered the emissions, and I survived…

  19. Brian Chantel says:

    I find it hard to believe he doesn’t know about the Mighty Mouse. This is a load of crap. Somebody actually went in Jobs home and blocked mighty mouse from his computer, yeah, right.

  20. dumbfounded says:

    ummm….

    brian….

    ah…..

    {{shakes his head}}

  21. Me..... aka Him says:

    LOL…. how would you feel…..

    hehehehehehhe brian…. i think everyone knows these things and i’m sorry to have to tell you this but.

    wait for it….

    ITS A FAKE ARTICLE….

    there we go.