02 Aug 05Apple Introduces Multi-Button Hysteria.


Apple introduced the Mighty Mouse – a multi-button scrolling input device – today, finally responding to user requests since multi-button mice were first introduced in 1947 and ensuring a round of lawsuits from whoever holds the “Mighty Mouse” trademark.

Reaction from the Mac community varied from unbridled exuberance to shocked dismay.

“The Mighty Mouse shall usher in a glorious age for the Macintosh,” hailed Cult of Mac author Leander Kahney. “With multi-button input, Mac users will experience fits of euphoria, occasional bursts of stunning clairvoyance that will allow them insights not clear to ordinary mortals and, of course, longer and harder erections.

“Um… for the men.”

Kahney’s optimism, however, was not shared by all.

“AAAAAGH!!! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I COVER THIS COMPANY SOMETIMES!!!,” noted the usually staid John Gruber. “TILT-CLICKING! SQUEEZING! ROLLING! IT’S A USABILITY NIGHTMARE! A NIGHTMARE!”

Taking a deep breath, Gruber added “But ultimately Apple’s decision to add the Mighty Mouse as a $50 add-on to any Mac will have little effect as other multi-button alternatives are available for less. Until the Mighty Mouse is included standard on all Macs, the situation can only be considered status quo.”

Meanwhile some lamented the passing of an era.

“First they switch to a Unix-based operating system,” said a distressed Low End Mac editor Dan Knight, “then they announce they’re switching to Intel processors, and now a multi-button mouse…

“If we as Mac users are not all about a superior user interface based on a crash-prone cooperative multitasking operating system using shared memory space running on a niche processor and accessed by a one-button mouse… then who are we?”

Others reacted somewhere in between.

“Mouse!” screamed editor Jason Snell, rushing into the Macworld magazine offices and startling a sleeping Jonathan Seff. “With… with… many buttons! And… and… some… scrolly thing! Stop presses! Must… warn… readers!”

Finally, some believe the fault lies not in our mice, but in ourselves.

Staring out the window of his Griffin Technology office at the carnage being wrought by rioting Mac users in the streets of Nashville, Tenn., Your Mac Life‘s Shawn King shook his head in disbelief.

“Goddamn it, I hate the Mac community sometimes.

“I mean… that’s my car down there.”

No Responses to “Apple Introduces Multi-Button Hysteria.”

  1. uno says:

    no… it can’t be… uno

  2. John Moltz says:

    Si, si, oh, siiiiiiiiiii!!!

  3. sam Kucera says:

    3? could it be? whee!

  4. Bellidancer says:

    Mighty Mouse? Come on, Apple knows better than to violate Copyrights. Then again, maybe not. Look at the Rendevous/Bonjour mess.

  5. Xenex says:

    From Apple’s Mighty Mouse page:

    Mighty Mouse © Viacom International Inc. All Rights Reserved.

    No trademark issues.

  6. jinzo012 says:

    SEVEN

    EAT IT BITCH

  7. jinzo012 says:

    EIGHT

    KATE

    SHAKE

    LAKE

    FUCK

    BAKE

    EAT IT BITCH

  8. Streetrabbit says:

    “Up an’ at ’em….ermm Mighty Mouse!”

    9ine.

  9. hesure says:

    Oh God. I’ve had it wrong all these years. I’ve been using a Logitech Trackball.

    Now the decision, where to go, Belgium or Saudi to have this offending right hand that did not and does not like Apple mice or mice in general removed.

    Hang on, wasn’t it Archbishop Wolsley who thrust his hand into the flame when they burnt him?

    Just off to fire up the microwave, oh, and buy a left-handed mouse.

  10. Mighty Flea. says:

    Moltzy,

    Unless you stop posting early, causing us all to move back one place, I’m going to start a collection to send ‘Fingers’ Morelli more money, making him even keener to carry out grievous or terminal bodily harm upon your person.

    THIS IS THE FIRST AND LAST WARNING.

    Have a nice day.

  11. 2000guitars says:

    Do you think jinzo realizes that this site is about macs? I’ll let him know. Or is it just me. OK. It’s just me. Sorry. I was under the delusion for a while that there was some vaguely mac-related stuff somewhere…

  12. Nxxx says:

    Promise me that the Microsoft response will not be ‘The Springfield Mouse, for people with three fingers’.

  13. Francsapa says:

    No!!! I refuse and deny and don’t believe and don’t wanna and won’t under any circumstances use a multiple button evil mouse!!!! No, no, no… no.

    Oh, well, maybe someday. Soon.

  14. appletweak says:

    Does the little scrolly-button-thingy in the middle remind anyone else of a pert gray nipple?

    Just wondering.

    Mmmm. Boobies.

  15. Andrew says:

    “Mighty Mouse even sounds as good as it feels. The audio feedback built into Mighty Mouse provides an aural sensation that responds to your movements. When you scroll or click, Mighty Mouse produces subtle sound effects based on your actions.”

    Only Apple would build a mouse with buttons that do not mechanically move and then build in a speaker so they still make a “click” noise when you press them.

  16. appletweak says:

    Has anyone bought a Mighty Mouse yet?

  17. jcgavula says:

    For all you copyright enthusiasts out there, notice at the bottom of the Mighty Mouse homepage:

    “Mighty Mouse © Viacom International Inc. All Rights Reserved.”

    Apple has its butts covered, baby.

  18. Streetrabbit says:

    While beautifully stylish and displaying typical Apple chic the shapeless design does not fit well in the human hand. Ergo ergonomically the Mighty Mouse is best suited to the Mac user sporting featureless hands, might I be so bold as to say wooden, puppety hands.

    Larry the Lamb or Ernest the Policeman may find this mouse to their taste but I Sir, do not.

    However it is my way that I must possess one.

  19. Steve Jobs says:

    It’s not a multi-button mouse! They promised me when they revealed it, it only had one button. That knob on the top is supposed to be an antenna for Firewire Extreme music streaming…

    …oops…

    …nevermnid that. This is a disaster! I put the speaker in there so you could have a subwoofer for your iTunes. Not fake clicking!

    Some Bozo is going to lose his head over this, and it’s not me!

  20. Del says:

    I’m still waiting for someone to set up their mouse so that the speaker loudly screams “Here I come to save the day” everytime someone right clicks.

    There must be a way :).

  21. blank says:

    Only four buttons? Until they release a proper mouse with a minimum of twenty-three buttons I refuse to participate!

    There, someone had to say it. The problem with multiple-buttons is that what is enough for some folks is never enough for others.

    Kind of like sexbots…

  22. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    “pert gray nipple”

    Thinking about that. Where would one find one of those? A morgue?

    Definitely not a turn-on. For me, anyway.

  23. Anonymous says:

    WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!

    LOOK AT ALL THESE CURSED ON TOPIC POSTS!

    IS THIS CARS? OR SOME PANSY APPLE NEWS SITE?

    I LIKE PI…

    …in my pants.

  24. Evilproducer says:

    “Crash Prone?” Is he talking OS 9 or OS X?

  25. Psyko says:

    Apple is so lucky. What other company can sell a mouse to people that don’t even like it just by having it be made by them? Nobody, only Apple.

    I personally do like it, and will get one because I do. There are so many that don’t though, and will get it because it is an Apple product. Good old Apple. 🙂

    MARK

  26. Does the new mouse have the same delicious fudgy layer as the previous models? I count on that layer to help meet my fudge needs in the late afternoon.

    If they discontinue my precious fudge layer I’m afraid my time with Apple has passed.

    Layer of fudge,

    ‘twixt acrylic shells,

    be not long from me,

    your tender smells.

  27. Psyko says:

    The fudge layer you are referring to is gone, but Apple has replaced it with two more at different depths.

    MARK

  28. Elmer Fudge says:

    All I can say is FUDGE!

    Hehehehe

  29. appletweak says:

    Dwartz, don’t think of it as an actual gray nipple (dead boobies, ewww), think of it as a lovingly rendered black & white (or grayscale, I guess) image of one, ala 1940’s porn.

    Also, Andrew, having speakers give feedback is not new or far-fetched. Car manufactures use the same technology to make the blinker sound in your car. It used to be that the sound you heard was the bulbs turning on or off, but now with super-insulated cars and fiber optic-type lights, where do you think the sound comes from? And no, before someone says it, it’s not gremlins. Except in my car. I keep them for their family-friendly antics and authentic blinker noises.

  30. Hi Steve!

    Here at Microsoft we’ve got “usability” written all over our crappy products, but due to a bug in our manufacturing printing system it comes out as “Microsoft”. Not being one to come up with any good ideas on my own, I’ve decided that we need a 64 button mouse. Why? Well, that’s obvious; MORE CLICKEDNESS!!! That’s a full 16 buttons for each of my micro-fingers, or 12.8 buttons per finger if you’re one of those assholes who counts your thumb as a finger. (douche) Anyway, that spells “userygoodness” and “frickin’ profits through the damn roof”, since we’ll probably charge folks $99 for the stupid things even though it costs me $8 per unit!!! HA!!! Take *that*, Jobs!!!

    Oh, did I mention that the 64-button Microsoft Uber-Mouse comes with a cupon for a free six-pack of Del Monte Pudding Cups?! So if you hurry you can still get the pudding with the Fantastic Four stickers included. HA!!! I win AGAIN!!!!

    Oh, the mouse comes in only one color; black, but those pudding cups are your choice!

  31. That’s funny, my old Toyota’s blinker relay was mounted under the dash, thus giving its’ “feedback” aurally, since the relay clicks were louder than the 8-track player at full volume. Yes, it had an 8-track player… it was a 1978 SR5 and the player looked aftermarket. I still have it, if you need it.

  32. Anonymous says:

    Appletweak, light bulbs don’t make any noise when they turn on and off. Relays opening and closing, however, do.

  33. Emily Post says:

    As an anti post stacking gesture, i am offering 3 comments for the price of 1:

    1) For most relays, it’s the crowd noise that you hear.

    2) Does anyone still buy products they like? I’ve resigned my fate to those marvellous marketeers. The best I hope for is some satisfaction in counting the line items on my credit card bill.

    3) Sometime in the near future there will be a post by some branch of the Evil Choir about “FUDGE”

  34. Impertinent says:

    Emily Post is stacked?

  35. Alfonso says:

    Am I the only one for whom “Mighty Mouse” is permanently associated with that episode of “Diff’rent Strokes” with the child molestor? What was up with that show, anyway? “Diff’rent Strokes,” I mean, not “Mighty Mouse.” (Are my quotes annoying you yet?) Arnold and Dudley being molested, Kimberly bound and gagged in a closet… You just don’t get good, wholesome television like we had in the ’80s anymore. Instead we get vile filth, like “Joan of Arcadia” or “Antiques Roadshow.” *shudder* Doesn’t anybody in Congress have the courage to set aside trivialities like “health care” and “clean air” and finally take a stand on the moral depravity of Hollywood?

  36. Yeah, I think I remember that episode. Is it the one with Gordon Jump (Mr. Arthur “Big Guy” Carlson from WKRP) as the molester? I’m more of a Hogan’s Heroes and Wild Wild West type, but I’ve seen that one.

    tvtome has some good info on all that stuff

  37. Anonymous says:

    I have always said that Antiques Road Show needs more pedophilia.

    oh, and tenticles.

  38. Anonymous says:

    oh, and tenticles.

    Is that testicles or tentacles?

  39. NWJR says:

    tit-clicking and rolling nipples.

    Oh, wait. That’s tilt-clicking.

    Well, the nipple thing is still cool.