24 Aug 05Craaaaazy Apple Users Actually Like Their Computers.


In a survey conducted by PC Magazine, Apple scored better in every single category than the computer industry average, including “Smells Nice” and a category no one was able to explain called simply “Ass.”

But while Apple did extraordinarily well in the survey, PC Magazine made a point of noting that Apple users most likely cannot be trusted to be objective because…

(waiiiiiiiit for iiiiiiiiiiiit!)

… they like their computers so much.

The company’s scores are so high there’s some concern that they can’t be completely trusted: that Apple users are so passionate — almost fanatic — about the company and its products, they’re not quite as objective as other computer owners.

Editor-in-Chief Michael J. Miller said “Clearly, the extent to which Apple customers like their computers makes them unreliable in judging how much they like their computers.”

While Dell received much lower marks, PC Magazine partly excused this because, according to the magazine, many respondents use Dell’s computers at work, where their experience is generally less satisfying.

“Many Mac users are communists,” Miller noted. “And while they’re out there on their communes near Reed or Brandeis, hopped up on goofballs and having sex with multiple partners, sure they’re going to rate their computers highly. They’re going to rate getting hit in the head with a ball peen hammer highly. That’s what junked-up commie nympho pinkos do.

“The Dell user, however, struggles mightily as a cog in the great wheel of capitalism – a mighty, and worthy struggle, but also one that puts you in contact with IT people who are, generally, reclusive trolls that prefer to sit sullenly in the dark than interact with other humans. Again, that’s a generalization.

“So, in summation, Dell users god-fearing capitalists, Mac users slutty atheistic commies.

“Um… what was the question again?”

It is worth noting, though, that the discomforts of the business environment does not explain Dell’s extremely low score on “Ass.”

While many in the Macintosh community took great umbrage at PC Magazine’s characterization of Mac users, it is undeniable that some Apple customers are indeed crazy communist whores who should not be relied upon for an opinion about the time of day, let alone which computer system has fewer viruses, is less crash-prone and doesn’t look like crap.

Like that one guy in Wyoming.

You know who I’m talking about.

Crazy Larry.

32 Responses to “Craaaaazy Apple Users Actually Like Their Computers.”

  1. Anonymous says:

    First! Again! Woo hoo!

  2. Spidey says:

    First Post!

    Go Mississippi State Bulldogs!

  3. Posted by Posted by at at says:

    Three!

  4. Wtf? A CARS article that actually has some some sort of relatively-meaningful commentary? What’s gotten into you, Moltz?

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go burn a flag, and then I’m gonna steal me some new Birkenstocks.

  5. Jon says:

    Five-o-rama.

  6. nxxx says:

    I’ve let you all down.

    There’s no possible way I can live up to the high standards of ‘junked-up commie nympho pinko’. I’m a mild-mannered, melodeon playing, Morris dancing cricket watcher.

    John, send the Apple Police round to confiscate my Mac but please tell them to be gentle.

  7. Ozi says:

    Yeah maybe that catagory shows that we GET more Ass? I think thats it. 🙂 Dell users never do, i fear!

  8. ficko says:

    He should have added uneducated.

    Yesterday, I posted a brilliant bilingual pun, and you thick bastards ignored it.

    Wanders off aimlessly, sobbing gently. “You’ll miss me when I’m dead.”…. sob………gulp………..puts fingers in ears in case you shout “No we wont”…….

  9. Mason L Kramer says:

    Nine and feelin’ fine

  10. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog 10 times.

  11. Carl says:

    Just in time to be totally ashamed of myself.

  12. Streetrabbit says:

    Maybe Dirty Mary is the “Ass” in question.

  13. Del says:

    Being a Del myself I can unbiasedly say that Dell’s suck and are not nearly as nice as Mac’s (or other PC products).

    Now I must leave before that Michael Dell guy tries to put me back in that box.

  14. blank says:

    Well, let’s see here… I guess I have to give this Miller guy two out of three. Slutty, yep. Atheistic, uh huh. Commie? Nope, Libertarian.

    That’s me–a slutty, atheistic, Libertarian Mac lover.

    Oh, and Miller… smile when you say that!

  15. 2 embarrassed says:

    Hey, what’s going on here? The article is signed by Crazy Larry who is not a listed CARS staff member. Some form of tax fiddle? Your chance to strike Billy ‘Mr tiny fists of fury’ Gates.

  16. iBode says:

    Uh, ficko, I don’t get it.

    “Pomme de” means “apple of” and “terre” (you spelled it terrre) means “ground.” From that I’d think you’re making a joke about Apple the company.

    But, put together, “pomme de terre” means “potato.”

    – “That cease and desist order is a potato.”

    I don’t get it.

  17. Ace Deuce says:

    So (if Miller is right), Rush Limbaugh is a slutty atheistic commie. I knew it!

    And Pat Robertson advocates the assassination of a democratically elected leader because Jesus is no longer for love and peace?

    Sure, and I picked up a frog by its ears yesterday and swung it like a bola.

    Crazy!

  18. 2 embarrassed says:

    iBode,

    This might be the explanation

    Pomme=Apple. Now pronounce ‘de terre’

    Apple deters.

    Geddit!

    ficko’s right.

  19. shawk says:

    Uh.. Please don’t post pictures of Windows GUIs without some sort of warning. I had spent a fair amount on drugs to rid my mind of Windows images. Now I have to start over.

  20. Streetrabbit says:

    Potato had me rolling around the ground but now I’m all mixed up.

    Could it be that ficko has discovered the fabled joke with two punchlines?

  21. 2 happy 2 B trusted says:

    Judging from how much I love to post, I believe the varacity of this post is unreliable.

  22. 2 happy 2 B trusted says:

    Re: “varacity”

    I rest my case.

  23. You KNOW says:

    Hmmm … I would have thought that most Mac users, being more intelligent than the rest of the population, would NOT have been atheists … funny stereotype we’ve got there.

  24. iBode says:

    So…

    The cease and desist order is a “Apple deters.”

    I still don’t get it.

    ficko, would you mind clearing this up?

    Or, Moltz, since you started this French thing, maybe you could help.

    Oh, and potato does sound kinda funny.

  25. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS!

    ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS!

    ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS!

    ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS!

  26. Larry says:

    Wait a minute. I am from Wyoming!!

    Larry

  27. 2000guitars says:

    “Road Apples”

    “Horse Apples”

    “Cowpies”

    “BullPucky”

    Everyone knows that.

  28. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Editor-in-Chief Michael J. Miller said “Clearly, the extent to which Apple customers like their computers makes them unreliable in judging how much they like their computers.”

    While Dell received much lower marks, PC Magazine partly excused this because, according to the magazine, “Dell users are largely dissatisfied with thier machines so they are more objective about how great Dell and Windows really is.” When pressed on this issue, Miller replied, “Look, Dell is just better! They spend…more money on…advertisements…in this magazine…than…[Apple]…does!”

    Miller explained that in order to extract proper representation of the numbers, the Apple results had to be scaled by by a factor of nearly 1/2 while the Dell numbers required a “reality factor adjustment” of 1.77935. “That is more in line with reality,” Miller exclaimed from the top of his book shelf where he sat after stripping down to his HR Puffinstuff underwear and firing milk at us from a Batman squirt gun.

  29. Reedie says:

    “Hmmm … I would have thought that most Mac users, being more intelligent than the rest of the population, would NOT have been atheists … funny stereotype we’ve got there.”

    Um, religion is for retards. There, I said what everyone around you has always been thinking and been too polite to say. If religious nutjobbers keep pushing the ‘intelligent design’ agenda, all semblance of political correctness will be out the window, and we’ll tell you what we really think about your beliefs and your new shirt. Then you’ll go home and cry.

    But then, I just realized that I am an avid apple fan, I’m wearing a shirt that says “Communism, Atheism, and Free Love” as my semi-official school motto, and dammit, I do go to Reed. Time to find some goofballs, looks like.

  30. Chris says:

    Hey fuck you, just because I may be a commie nympho pinko bastard, doesn’t mean I go to Brandeis. It’s not like I’m posting this from my powerbook in my dorm room at Brandeis, or…

    FUCK YOU!

  31. iBode says:

    Posting on every article in still listed in my Safari RSS feed.