Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
The Mac universe is controlled by dark and sinister forces…
Let’s meet some of them!
Q: I just tried installing the most recent Security Update and it hung mid-way through. I know I shouldn’t do this, but I force-rebooted my Power Mac and now I’m having disk trouble. I have a lot of misallocated files. How can I fix this?
A: I AM LESRETH, MASTER OF LIES! AN OFFERING IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO FIX YOUR MAC! BRING ME THE FRESH MEAT OF SMALL HERD ANIMALS AND THREE YOUNG VIRRRRGINS AND I SHALL HELP YOU! AH-HA-HA!
Q: You sound… different.
A: OF COURSE I SOUND DIFFERENT, PRIMATE! I AM LESRETH, MASTER OF LIES! THE REGULAR HELP DESK GUY HAS THE DAY OFF AND SOME OF US DEMONS ARE FILLING IN!
Q: Hmm. Well, before I bring you an offering, how do I know you’re going to help me if you’re “Master of Lies”? I mean, you’re probably just lying to me now, right?
A: WHA- ACK. YOU DARE QUESTION THE LORD OF DECEPTION?! THAT… UM… THAT MAKES IT THAT MUCH HARDER FOR ME TO DECEIVE YOU. THAT’S NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON AFTER A LONG WEEK.
Q: Hmm. Yeah. See, I just want to get my Mac fixed. I don’t really want to have run out and find some virgins.
A: AND I JUST WANT MAKE IT WITH SOME VIRGINS! AH-HA-HA-HA! I DON’T REALLY CARE ABOUT THE MEAT.
Q: Yeah. I don’t even really want to bring you the meat.
A: HMM. WELL, WE SEEM TO BE AT AN IMPASSE HERE.
Q: I know. And this problem is really bugging me.
A: I TELL YOU WHAT, IF YOU BRING ME JUST ONE VIRGIN…
Q: No, no, no. There aren’t going to be any virgins. I could get in trouble for that.
A: OF COURSE YOU COULD GET INTO TROUBLE! IT WOULDN’T BE AN UNHOLY PACT IF YOU COULDN’T GET INTO TROUBLE!
Q: Well… what if I bring you someone who’s not a virgin, but really should know better than to get into a relationship with a demon?
A: HMM. WELL… IS SHE CUTE?
Q: Um… well… you know… kind of “eh.”
A: DOES SHE HAVE A FRIEND? BECAUSE KARL THE INCONSOLABLE NEEDS A DATE.
Q: “Karl the Inconsolable”? Hmm, I don’t know. Sounds a little… needy.
A: OH, HE JUST GOT THAT NICKNAME AFTER HE BROKE UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. BUT IT’S TOTALLY NOT A THING ANYMORE. HE’S TOTALLY OVER HER. TOTALLY.
Q: I’m working with iPhoto and I’m trying to make a screen saver, but when I put a collection of pictures together and try to get them to fade into each other, the fade is halting – like something is using up the processor, or my graphic card’s memory. I don’t have any other applications open. How can I fix this?
A: FIRST, YOU MUST GUT A GOAT!
Q: Um… Oh. Wow. OK. But… why?
A: YOU MUST APPEASE GLAARKU!
Q: Who’s Glaarku?
A: UM… ME. I LIKE GOAT.
Q: Oh. Are you Greek?
A: ON MY MOTHER’S SIDE. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT! WHAT’S IMPORTANT IS YOU FIND FRESH GOAT.
Q: OK. OK. Do you know a place?
A: I DO! FENTRYLAKIS’ DELI. THEY’RE ON 36TH.
Q: Oh. Do you… want any mint sauce?
A: DO NOT PATRONIZE ME! I AM GLAARKU!
A: SOME MINT SAUCE WOULD BE LOVELY.
Q: Uh… OK.
A: AND CAN YOU GET ME A JAR OF BLACK OLIVES? THEY IMPORT THEM DIRECT. THEY’RE SO GOOD. I’LL TOTALLY PAY YOU BACK.
Q: HEY, IS GARNAK THERE?
A: THIS IS GARNAK.
Q: HEY, IT’S LESRETH.
A: OH. HEY.
Q: UM… DUDE, CAN YOU COME PICK US UP?
A: WHAT… WHERE ARE YOU?
Q: WELL, WE WERE OUT THIS THESE GIRLS AND THEY TOTALLY DOGGED US, MAN. IT WAS SO UNCOOL.
A: WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?
Q: WELL, WE SHOWED UP AT THEIR PLACE AND WE HAD TO TAKE THE BUS BECAUSE KARL’S ESCORT WOULDN’T START. SO WE HAD TO GET THE GIRLS TO DRIVE AND WE WENT TO THE MINI GOLF PLACE WHICH IS KIND OF WAY OUT ON HIGHWAY 9. SO THERE WASN’T A CASH MACHINE AROUND SO THEN WE HAD TO GET THEM TO PAY AND THEY WERE GETTING KIND OF STEAMED. AND THEN KARL STARTS TALKING TO HEATHER ABOUT HIS OLD GIRLFRIEND AND HOW THEY USED TO GO MINI GOLFING AND… DUDE, YOU TOTALLY DID! YOU SCREWED THIS UP, KARL! NOW SHUT UP. SHUT! UP! I’M TALKING TO GARNAK. SORRY, GAR. I AM JUST SO PISSED AT HIM RIGHT NOW. BECAUSE I THINK DEBBIE KIND OF LIKED ME.
A: I CAN’T COME GET YOU RIGHT NOW, LESRETH.
Q: OH, MAN… YOU’VE GOT TO. I AM GOING TO FLAY KARL. SERIOUSLY. I FLAYED A GUY LAST WEEK. I KNOW HOW TO DO IT. IT’S NOT AS HARD AS YOU’D THINK. THE TRICK IS WORKING YOUR FINGERTIPS UNDER THE SKIN AND…
A: UM, YEAH, BUT, SEE… I… UM… CAN’T LEAVE THE HELP DESK. WHY DON’T YOU CALL KARL’S MOM?
Q: OH, MAN. SHE SMELLS LIKE HAIRSPRAY, DUDE.